The Hypocritic Oak

Trying to spread positivity

[thehypocriticoak]

I can’t stop crying and I don’t know who to talk to.

[thehypocriticoak]

I don’t like to give out bad and negative emotions into the world. But, I really need to say this to someone. I have been thinking of suicide for quite some time now and the only reason I haven’t done it and will never do it is because of my family. They love me so much and will be devastated if I do anything like that. I will never ever commit suicide because I don’t want to hurt them. At the same time, it feels sad and hopeless that the only reason I want to be alive is because of my family. I have no passion or hope that makes me want to wake up every morning, As sad as that might sound, it is what is keeping me going. I feel that because that option is out of the question, I can ease my pain by maybe slitting my wrists. Just feels like the pain will flow out that way. But don’t worry I will not do that either coz strangely, I know the consequences and added expenses because of such things. Just really needed to get this out into this Internet void.

[thehypocriticoak]

When was the last time you ate when you were actually hungry?

All the fad diets that we see these days, say you need to get protein carbohydrate, fruits, veggies, etc etc for breakfast. Add some seeds, drink 2 litres of water, and so on. Did you notice that in adding all these, your plate size has increased more and more. I eat so much for breakfast that I am not even hungry by lunch. But then peer pressure to have lunch together and comments saying you don’t eat enough force you to gradually increase your lunch size and there is no more mindful eating. Then you are supposed to have a snack. You get home for dinner, again has to be healthy. You try and do batch-cooking, waste have the time looking for recipes and buying ingredients that you won’t use again. By the end of the day, there is so much thought and time and energy that goes into food that it is no more just nourishment, no more a joy, rather it has become a chore. I agree that in the earlier days, people used to eat at almost set times. But they mostly ate leftovers from previous night or in set portions divided among family or rationed. Nowadays, with the free access to almost any kind of food from around the world, the concept of meal deals, and restaurant eating we’ve lost discipline. Also we no longer perform as many manual tasks as people in the older days. This calls for a step back and reevaluate. I do not need that bowl with so many items. I can make do with two or sometimes just one type of dish. You do not need variety on a daily basis in every single meal. 3 sources of proteing,veggies, fats, vitamins, fibre, etc. SO MUCH THINKING for every single meal. I am tired of all this. This week all I ate for breakfast was a small bowl of porridge/ oats+yogurt. This kept me going till well after midday and I decided to eat only once I get hungry. Even then not immediately. I will finish the task that I am on before going to eat. I need to get away from the instant gratification and greed cycle. I will no longer listen to diets, food exclusivists, fitness gurus, etc. I will make the most of the ingredients that I have, only buying fresh foods and basic necessities. No more extravagant foods. I am hoping this will help improve my mental health as well. I will bring the discipline back into my life.

[thehypocriticoak]

Workplace sexism

Sometimes I just want to yell, “Shut the f*** up!” when my colleagues constantly bring up a sensitive sexist topic and make comments followed by “just kidding”. Shut up, just shut the f*** up!

[thehypocriticoak]

Today, for the first time in all my life, someone came and sat at the next table. Not by compulsion, not because all the other tables were full or because the book they were reading was too heavy to move around. They sat, just because there was a place to sit here and why go anywhere else. This might seem a bit out of place and unnecessary but after a day of extreme lows when even trying to move feels emotionally painful and after a lifetime of people looking away when they see you or that disappointed look on their face the first time they see you in person as if they were expecting someone else, judging you based on appearance and not even giving you a chance to prove your talent, this scenario comes as a welcome relief. May be there are people who like you. Maybe someone was genuinely happy to see you and not saying it just to be polite. Maybe your friends get in touch and invite you to events because they want you there and not out of pity. Leave behind the acquaintance who calls someone at your party asking if he should even come and if it is worth it given that his crush is not able to make it to your birthday party. You don’t need them. There are people who actually want to be with you. Give importance to the people who love you and not these passing garbage trucks (I won’t say passing clouds coz these people don’t deserve to be called the all nice, fluffy, happy, ever so useful clouds). Please do get in touch if you can relate to this story or if you feel I am wrong in thinking the way that I did. I am open to criticism if it means I can become a better person through learning. I choose to be happy. I choose to spread happiness. I choose to not let my happiness dictated by others. I choose to help people feel better.

[thehypocriticoak]

Never in my life did I have to cancel a social meeting request. Only if two events were clashing. Even if they clashed mostly I tried to complete one event and go to the next one to attend what was remaining. No I never had to say no to people because if it was meant to happen it will. Usually the other person(s) chickens out mostly last minute and it is not me saying no. And this gives you the upper hand, the chance to be on the moral high ground. If you don't want to see this person ever again then you don't reply, that's the end of that. You don't need to say it's okay or validate their excuse and give them another chance. Just plain blank silence and their 'change of plans' message is the last one. I am not gonna be a test mouse for your rejection strategy of apologising and offering to meet me another time. Hell no. That ain't gonna soften my heart. I didn't even want to see you in the first place. But if you really do want to see them, then tread carefully. See if they blew you off for no reason or if there is a genuine explanation for them not able to make it. Trust me if they want to be there, they would be there unless something critical has come up. If it does happen and it is fun then well and good. If it is not a happy time then it is always a learning experience, how not to behave/treat someone. Trust me on this.

[thehypocriticoak]

Empty promises

[thehypocriticoak]

When was the last time you ate when you were actually hungry?

All the fad diets that we see these days, say you need to get protein carbohydrate, fruits, veggies, etc etc for breakfast. Add some seeds, drink 2 litres of water, and so on. Did you notice that in adding all these, your plate size has increased more and more. I eat so much for breakfast that I am not even hungry by lunch. But then peer pressure to have lunch together and comments saying you don’t eat enough force you to gradually increase your lunch size and there is no more mindful eating. Then you are supposed to have a snack. You get home for dinner, again has to be healthy. You try and do batch-cooking, waste have the time looking for recipes and buying ingredients that you won’t use again. By the end of the day, there is so much thought and time and energy that goes into food that it is no more just nourishment, no more a joy, rather it has become a chore. I agree that in the earlier days, people used to eat at almost set times. But they mostly ate leftovers from previous night or in set portions divided among family or rationed. Nowadays, with the free access to almost any kind of food from around the world, the concept of meal deals, and restaurant eating we’ve lost discipline. Also we no longer perform as many manual tasks as people in the older days. This calls for a step back and reevaluate. I do not need that bowl with so many items. I can make do with two or sometimes just one type of dish. You do not need variety on a daily basis in every single meal. 3 sources of proteing,veggies, fats, vitamins, fibre, etc. SO MUCH THINKING for every single meal. I am tired of all this. This week all I ate for breakfast was a small bowl of porridge/ oats+yogurt. This kept me going till well after midday and I decided to eat only once I get hungry. Even then not immediately. I will finish the task that I am on before going to eat. I need to get away from the instant gratification and greed cycle. I will no longer listen to diets, food exclusivists, fitness gurus, etc. I will make the most of the ingredients that I have, only buying fresh foods and basic necessities. No more extravagant foods. I am hoping this will help improve my mental health as well. I will bring the discipline back into my life.

[thehypocriticoak]

Workplace sexism

Sometimes I just want to yell, “Shut the f*** up!” when my colleagues constantly bring up a sensitive sexist topic and make comments followed by “just kidding”. Shut up, just shut the f*** up!

[thehypocriticoak]

Argh!

“Argh!”, she shouted as people walked in and out of her life. More like walked all over her. Is it that difficult to survive when you try to mind your own work? Why does she keep running away from situations? Feels like escaping is the only constant in her life. People suffocate her.

I just want to be on my own. Is that so difficult to digest? When I can respect other people’s decisions/choices and busy-ness why can’t they do the same to me. This brings back the very first counter argument against my thoughts. Just because you don’t eat the lion doesn’t mean the lion will not eat you. Aaaaaaaaa! Shut up! Yes, it is very easy to say, “Just write it.” I wish it were that simple. Do you even know how it feels to wake up in the morning and just stare at the ceiling dreading going and looking at those faces, answering those questions, pretending like youare okay!? Oh my God, leave me alone.!

The fear of not being enough and the fear of being too much are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you. IDGAF if you think I am not smiling enough. IDGAF if you think I am not headbanging to your shitty music. IDGAF if you think I don’t hang out enough. IDGAF if it a very important event for you, coz you ignored me through the most important times of my life. IDGAF coz you forgot everything you said and did in the past but now behave as a saint in front of everybody. IDGAF if I seem straight forward and ruthless. From now on you will get what you deserve. No filters. No apologies for mistakes I never made. You are now going to encounter a savage who will burn you for everything stupid that comes out of that shitty mouth of yours. Don’t even expect me to feel sorry for your first world male privileged problems. You say sexism doesn’t exist. You are the personification of it. You say you are not racist. But WTF dude! Why do I feel so small when I try to explain something to you from my world? Sexism is not just when you say or do something to the other sexes. It is also when they are not able to freely express themselves and discuss what matters to them. Every time you open that shitty hole of yours I am dreading. “Oh God what will you say now that I’ll be thinking about for the next 2 weeks and possibly recollect a billion times later too.” Amidst all of this you are happily moving on with your work and in your world while I lose my mental peace, reputation and valuable time. Is this fair? What is wrong in asking to be left alone? Why do I have to be held responsible for the actions of a billion-other people? There is a difference between questioning one’s beliefs and ostracising them for it. I refuse to fall under your labels. I refuse to fall into your trap of saying something I don’t and never meant. I will never ever ever again be patient with snide remarks you make. Be it about me or anything I believe in. I hate you for turning me into a hateful person. With hate- Happy Valentine’s to you and your community of privileged asses.

[thehypocriticoak]

Argh!

“Argh!”, she shouted as people walked in and out of her life. More like walked all over her. Is it that difficult to survive when you try to mind your own work? Why does she keep running away from situations? Feels like escaping is the only constant in her life. People suffocate her.

I just want to be on my own. Is that so difficult to digest? When I can respect other people’s decisions/choices and busy-ness why can’t they do the same to me. This brings back the very first counter argument against my thoughts. Just because you don’t eat the lion doesn’t mean the lion will not eat you. Aaaaaaaaa! Shut up! Yes, it is very easy to say, “Just write it.” I wish it were that simple. Do you even know how it feels to wake up in the morning and just stare at the ceiling dreading going and looking at those faces, answering those questions, pretending like youare okay!? Oh my God, leave me alone.!

The fear of not being enough and the fear of being too much are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you. IDGAF if you think I am not smiling enough. IDGAF if you think I am not headbanging to your shitty music. IDGAF if you think I don’t hang out enough. IDGAF if it a very important event for you, coz you ignored me through the most important times of my life. IDGAF coz you forgot everything you said and did in the past but now behave as a saint in front of everybody. IDGAF if I seem straight forward and ruthless. From now on you will get what you deserve. No filters. No apologies for mistakes I never made. You are now going to encounter a savage who will burn you for everything stupid that comes out of that shitty mouth of yours. Don’t even expect me to feel sorry for your first world male privileged problems. You say sexism doesn’t exist. You are the personification of it. You say you are not racist. But WTF dude! Why do I feel so small when I try to explain something to you from my world? Sexism is not just when you say or do something to the other sexes. It is also when they are not able to freely express themselves and discuss what matters to them. Every time you open that shitty hole of yours I am dreading. “Oh God what will you say now that I’ll be thinking about for the next 2 weeks and possibly recollect a billion times later too.” Amidst all of this you are happily moving on with your work and in your world while I lose my mental peace, reputation and valuable time. Is this fair? What is wrong in asking to be left alone? Why do I have to be held responsible for the actions of a billion-other people? There is a difference between questioning one’s beliefs and ostracising them for it. I refuse to fall under your labels. I refuse to fall into your trap of saying something I don’t and never meant. I will never ever ever again be patient with snide remarks you make. Be it about me or anything I believe in. I hate you for turning me into a hateful person. With hate- Happy Valentine’s to you and your community of privileged asses.

[thehypocriticoak]

My Crush

You know that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you hear someone’s name? To me that is Dorothy Hodgkin. <3

[quote-diaries]

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.

Robert Louis Stevenson (via quote-diaries)

[thehypocriticoak]

The Deficiency

How far can you push the limits of health? How much damage can you inflict upon your body before it reaches the point of no recovery? You skip meals so that you can complete that presentation. You don’t eat breakfast coz you woke up a tad bit late. You go home and just sleep hungry or gorge on a bag of chips or cake coz you could not be bothered to go to the shared kitchen and chance upon a conversation with thy neighbour which you are already too tired to have. Then you look at colleagues who seem to be so much healthier (and happier?) and think maybe I should be more like them. One of them is vegan. One of them goes running for several miles every week. One of them says some wine everyday goes a long way. Someone advocates the oh-so-holy 5-a-day rule. All this leaves you confused. In the end, you are overwhelmed by the choices and possibilities, forgetting that what your family has been eating for the past 2 decades has kept you alive and surprisingly healthy too. You gradually notice that you can’t concentrate any more. The screen appears blurry and you fiddle with the brightness settings hoping it would solve the problem. You are constantly fatigued. Extreme mood swings and depression. Do something for 10 minutes and sleep for an hour. Wait, this is not me. What is going on? Why can’t I be active like before. Your friends wonder why they don’t see you anymore. And you just blame it on ageing. I am just growing older so my metabolism is slowing down. You joke around saying oh I was born 30. Until one day you lose control of your body and suddenly fall to the floor. Still conscious but unable to move. Telling yourself to stay conscious, that if there is one thing that you have to do, even if it is the last thing you can do is to try and open your eyes. Just that one thing. If you faint there is no one around to even notice that you are gone. A few moments later you carefully open your eyes but don’t dare to move. So many thoughts rush to your mind. What just happened? The light headedness when you move suddenly has become quite common lately. Maybe coz I am just growing old. But this! This is not normal. Thankfully I was not in a public place when this happened. Would have been so embarrassing. Sadly, we never learn from our first mistakes. So, we carry on with life as if nothing happened. Then one day, you feel extremely uneasy. This is not a passing feeling like every other day. You try to move about slowly so that the previous incident doesn’t repeat. You google the symptoms and perform a self-diagnosis of low blood pressure and start drinking salted water. This is not really helping, and you DO NOT want to faint in front of your office mates. The shame. The sympathy. So, you get yourself down to the doctors (sped up for brevity), explain your symptoms, get blood tests done and get diagnosed with B12 deficiency. You try to convince the doctor that you do not want to take any medication and will bring your levels up with healthy food. The doctor tells, in the politest way possible, that you should get your ass down to the GP and take injections right away coz your B12 levels are dangerously low. I thinking I needed to hear that. It brought out the responsible adult who went to the doctor’s straight away and started the course. The nurse said that the diagnosis completely explains all my symptoms and that I am lucky that I don’t have anaemia which is normally an immediate side-effect of extreme B12 deficiency. Thanking God and my family for building my immune system so I could resist drastic effects of 4 years’ worth of poor eating habits, I go to the supermarket to buy B12 rich foods, promising myself that I will never ever neglect my health. Presentations can wait. Meetings can wait. Lab parties that go on till late in the night don’t need your attendance and even if you go, you do not have to be the last person to leave. It is okay to excuse yourself.

[thehypocriticoak]

Today, for the first time in all my life, someone came and sat at the next table. Not by compulsion, not because all the other tables were full or because the book they were reading was too heavy to move around. They sat, just because there was a place to sit here and why go anywhere else. This might seem a bit out of place and unnecessary but after a day of extreme lows when even trying to move feels emotionally painful and after a lifetime of people looking away when they see you or that disappointed look on their face the first time they see you in person as if they were expecting someone else, judging you based on appearance and not even giving you a chance to prove your talent, this scenario comes as a welcome relief. May be there are people who like you. Maybe someone was genuinely happy to see you and not saying it just to be polite. Maybe your friends get in touch and invite you to events because they want you there and not out of pity. Leave behind the acquaintance who calls someone at your party asking if he should even come and if it is worth it given that his crush is not able to make it to your birthday party. You don’t need them. There are people who actually want to be with you. Give importance to the people who love you and not these passing garbage trucks (I won’t say passing clouds coz these people don’t deserve to be called the all nice, fluffy, happy, ever so useful clouds). Please do get in touch if you can relate to this story or if you feel I am wrong in thinking the way that I did. I am open to criticism if it means I can become a better person through learning. I choose to be happy. I choose to spread happiness. I choose to not let my happiness dictated by others. I choose to help people feel better.

[thehypocriticoak]

I am going to my first counselling session tomorrow. Very nervous, on the verge of tears. But I am sitting in a public library, so I am controlling myself. I don't know what to expect from the counselling session. I haven't told anyone about this. Not my family because I don't want them to be worried. Not friends because I don't want them to feel sorry for me or think that I am weak. Not colleagues coz this news will just give them sadistic pleasure. They are the ones who drove me to depression. I am trying to stay positive because, however terrifying this step is, I am glad I am taking it. I will try my best to feel better. I will update on the progress.

[thehypocriticoak]

Talk to me if there is something wrong or you want to know more about me. Don't go around discussing me with others. You might find this surprising but I know me better than anyone else. I know what I like, what I want and what I am capable of.