Theia Evangeline Ashwell

All the little thoughts in my brain with nowhere to go, published under a nom de plume. 22. Publishing a book of original poetry, date TBD!

[theiaevangelineashwell]

I took a test online once

To see if I was the Soldier

The Poet

Or the King

It told me I was the King

I always thought I’d be the poet

I think all kings long to be poets

In the same way that all eldest daughters long to just be children

Why bury your pain for the sake of others when you can turn it into art

Why raise children you didn’t make

But just like the test said

“The sword is at your side”

“It bore your name long before you did”

I never asked it to bear my name

I want to be free of it

But we all want what we are not meant to be

“You are tired of being steady. You dream of feeling alive. Not that you aren't, but, sometimes, it's hard to remember that there is a heart between your ribs.” -@atlanticsea

[theiaevangelineashwell]

Where did my girlhood go

Was she lost the first time I laid with someone

Or the day in elementary when I looked down and saw blood

Was she lost somewhere in between the lines

Of my mother tucking me in with my blankie 

And realizing I couldn’t walk down the street without hearing them whistle

Maybe she was never there to begin with

And the space between my legs has always been a proverbial noose around my neck

There’s something so female about being hated for existing

[theiaevangelineashwell]

It was never meant to go this far

A messy room

One cut

Unfinished homework

Two cuts

Dirty dishes

Three cuts

A bad grade

Four

It was right in front of your face the whole time

Fluorescent lights

A school counselor's office

“Why would you do this”

“It must be that music”

“You’re making us feel like we failed as parents”

Well maybe you fucking did

[theiaevangelineashwell]

i’m glad you’re here. merry christmas ❤️

That means a lot more to me than you’ll ever know. I really needed that. Thank you, I’m glad you’re here too. Merry Christmas ❤️

[theiaevangelineashwell]

To My Father

Somehow, the one good thing that came out of you leaving me is I now have this blank space for all of my worst feelings. And no one, at least anytime soon, will ever see them. And maybe somehow, someway, they'll find their way back to you in this vast universe we have? I've never been a believer but I have to believe there's a life after this. Otherwise, what would even be the point? And maybe one day, some historian will study our society and see these messages and think "wow, she was a sad sack of shit!" And they'd probably be right! Because I know that I'm making all the wrong decisions but I'm far too stubborn to let anyone else tell me that. Hell, I'm too stubborn to even tell myself that. But I wish you were here to tell me that. Maybe I'd actually listen to you. Doubtful, but maybe. I guess we'll find out in 60 some odd years. Until then, I'll keep sending these and hope that somehow you find them.