Content warning: Religious trauma, eating disorder, drug use, verbal abuse, body dysmorphia
I donât remember ever feeling confident in my body. I never liked myself growing up.
Negative self-talk was second nature for me. Growing up didnât make it any easier. We got judged for simply existing. I judged myself enough and didnât need any other reassurance. My family was not the best when it comes to body positivity. Body-shaming was so engraved in their brains; they never noticed the damage they were doing. Years and years of small comments about my body, weight, how much or how little I would eat --Â this eventually led to deep-rooted insecurities.
I did eventually end up with an eating disorder -- anorexia. Ninth grade was when it really went full throttle. My close friends noticed my drastic change, [like] conveniently never being hungry around lunch time. I began wearing less form-fitting clothes, sticking specifically to a pullover and black pants that hid the true size of my legs. Having a school uniform made that easy. My negative self-talk seemed so normal to me. It felt like it was all I really knew. With that being said, the eating disorder took a stronger hold on me.
Iâm not going to lie and say that my relationship with my body is any better than it was when I was in ninth grade. I struggle everyday with poor body-image. I don't see myself the way others see me. I have body dysmorphia so my view of myself is definitely altered. Most days, I hide behind baggy clothes that are too big. Somedays, the dysmorphia settles down enough for me to show off more skin.
Iâm not sure I can say I do anything with the intent of taking care of myself. Itâs extremely hard to picture me deserving anything good. I definitely struggle with accepting compliments. I always assume the other person is joking or pitying me in some way. I am working on trying to accept that others can see beauty in me that seems to miss my eyes only. I have a very tainted mind that feeds off of my self-hate. I use drugs to help, but the line between self-care and self-destruction is often blurred by the feelings of emptiness. And I realize I should be able to step back and be mindful that my value of myself was created by deceptive thoughts and verbally abusive family members.
I [do] love my sense of fashion and love for channeling and incorporating different aesthetics. I'm confident in my creative mind. And although I might not be happy with every outcome I create, I find [solace] in the fact that something living inside me wants to create amazing things and live a life I've so often deprived myself of.
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All bodies are beautiful. Everyone holds beauty. The world doesnât get to define your worth or your beauty. Society was set up to suppress confident women. We are the most exquisite beings to exist. We are the nurturers and creators of life. I love women, so I can be biased, but the world wouldnât exist without us. Our bodies, minds, and souls are so beyond powerful. It should be a disgrace to ever attempt to change a woman's sense of self-worth.
[To my body,] Iâm sorry that I take my self-hate out on you. I know weâve been through a lot, and I know weâre still fighting. I hope the hurt Iâve caused us both will be forgiven. Woman [NO. 004], age 22.
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Photographer: Kathleen Motoa Copywriter: Jessica Chung Subject: Anonymous