Jitter

DID system of an indistinguishable amount lol she/it/they/he but use them all interchangably pls our DID system blog thingy. DO NOT BRING UP SYSCOURSE FFS

[thejitterbugs]

its ok bc i moved out of my abusive household so now i live in a Genuinely Safe home with people who Dont Want Me Dead and actually Love Me Dearly and Want Me To Feel Okay. yay its still a lot to process LMAO but i keep finding more things i didnt know could happen. holy shit i can lock doors? holy shit i'm allowed to ask someone to stop doing xyz thing? holy shit my cats are safe? holy shit the bathroom is normal? WOW. there was a healing /ref

[thejitterbugs]

guess. g guess who, fucking forgot, Again

[thejitterbugs]

re: last post i laugh about it but being that philosophical at that age was intensely frightening ontop of what was already going on LOL. i was NOT meant to be an extremely 45-year-old kindergartener /j but no i was like. very acutely aware that the way my thought patterns worked was not "The Norm" and i was insecure asf about it. i dont even know how i knew that at the time either but i was Very Aware this also makes syscovery way more funny to be fair because i was So Acutely Aware of how our brain functioned and yet was still in denial for so long. like yeah i was literally assigning colors and Titles (not names, titles) to the "PARTS" in my brain that were clashing (YES EVEN USING THE TERM "PARTS") and wrote "poems" to "Myself" about "Self Reflection" and when DID was presented as a possibility i was still like "pfffft nah. not a chance in the world. i'd be so disrespectful if i were to put that label onto myself. i'd be diluting the experiences of others if anything! hahaaa" like. girl. no. your plurality is palpable girl

[thejitterbugs]

i forgot this account existed again todays thought is about how i think its really funny how our plurality manifested as being an extremely existential ass baby like we were having full blown existential crises in the midst of kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN! bro i was supposed to be playing touys. i was instead obsessively asking strangers and friends "hey what would do you if you woke up tomorrow and you were a baby again? and like you were dreaming this whole thing rn" <-yes this was a real thing that i asked a lot during kindergarten, up until i think 2nd grade ish? that and also the intensely self-observational gender revelations at around the same age. by the time i went into my first day of kindergarten, it was the most kids my age i had ever been around. so when i looked down the hall at all the kids, i shit you not, i thought verbatim: "... are there ONLY boys and girls? i could have sworn there'd be more than just boys and girls. like a combo or something" like i damn near felt betrayed :sob: i ASSUMED there were way more genders. i was an existential woke ass baby

[thejitterbugs]

so yk that recent post i made about having 3 persecutors frontstuck . so that very suddenly stopped happening last night LMAO i literally have no clue what caused that or what made it stop happening but like. okay ! it may have been EMDR tbh it may be fucking with compartmentalization and the controlling of such :P we've started EMDR with our therapist and its been Hooh Boy Wow! Scary (dw she's aware we have DID shes the one who diagnosed us shes awesome. she started taking online courses and buying thick ass books to learn how to properly do EMDR on intensely dissociative patients or plural patients shes extremely accommodating)

[thejitterbugs]

i once said in a "plural-friendly" server i joined that i liked having DID and someone said "..what kind of flex is that." like i wasnt flexing i was actually just saying i enjoy being myself but thx. i think youre telling on yourself that you think liking who you are (being plural) is a Flex so i'm sorry i guess. realtalk why do ppl act like in order to be valid in having DID you need to be consistently endlessly traumatized and check off a list of symptoms every month. like do you know what functional multiplicity is . do you know what recovery is . you can be fully recovered from your trauma and still have DID and still be valid in having DID. like. you're allowed to be doing well and also have DID. those two things arent mutually exclusive. they can happen at the same time without cancelling each other out . also god damn Fuck Forbid Me Like Being Plural. clutching my pearls. oh my god. you like the way your brain functions !? ALAS!!!! also guys i know syscourse will tell you otherwise but the alters =/= trauma. the alters are not THE trauma in of themselves. stop treating your alters as inherently traumatic :sob: yes it can be FROM something traumatic. that doesnt mean thats all they are and thats all theyll ever be. holy shit yall gotta be nicer to your headmates edit: NOT TO MENTION YOU CAN BE SUFFERING AND ALSO STIL LIKE YOURSELF. I KEEP FINDING LAYERS OF BULLSHIT

[thejitterbugs]

so like. imagine 3 persecutors. and then encountering life circumstances requiring them to be hosts/somewhat frontstuck. and now: bar off the actual concept of dying away from them completely. so now they can't access suicidal ideation. that's where we're at rn i'm god's number one favorite cognitive experiment i swear to god. i can't die but i CAN experience a secret third thing /j/nsrs

[thejitterbugs]

I'm Morze

I'm Semi

And I'm Guy Who Hasn't Chosen A Name But I Know It Starts With P

And We're The Help Me Brothers

[thejitterbugs]

i need to make a real pfp and banner one day

[thejitterbugs]

our system works off of a shitton of mechanics that rely more on cofront blends and passive influence wayyyy moreso than An Individual Guy's influence. and also microdosing memory processing via passive influence and our individual window of tolerance's...... like usually instead of "i stopped fronting so [guy] could write smth down" it usually goes like "i felt a change in the rotation and now i am getting a VERY STRONG feeling i should write these words down but idk where they're coming from or what they mean just yet. idk". this made syscovery so fucking weird lemme tell you ALSO the fucking. self-medicating via passive influence. holy shit. we'll have 3 or 4 people in/near front that all hold memories/emotions/etc that clash SO BADLY with one another so in order for their front blend to not kill us immediately they have a fucking. chaperone guy (usually gatekeeper or caretaker adjacent) that utilizes their potent passive influence to chill the whole frontfeel out. 3 guys in front that all feel like exploding but theres 1 guy ten feet away thoughtbeaming rays of sunshine in their direction so its less bad.

[thejitterbugs]

how the FUCK am i gonna do a system intro man. our system could be classified as polyfragmented-- though i dont use the term "fragments" for any one guy, i usually use it for like. memories that literally havent formed enough of a consciousness to BE a guy. its a whole thing. we call it The Condensation. sometimes the condensation will gather enough memories to split a guy for a bit, usually that guy will process what they need to and fuse with another pre-existing guy fairly quickly. other times pre-existing guys will visit The Condensation to take in certain memories. ANYWAYS. ALL THAT TO SAY. our system changes FUCKING CONSTANTLY every time we document smth extensively it usually becomes at least somewhat inaccurate within like, a couple months or so. due to this we tend to keep stuff very very simplistic whenever we document stuff, and anything we choose to document other than that is not rlly fit for public posting-- its a lot of word vomit and images with really intricate contexts that only make sense if youre In Our Freaking Brain, internal references and hyperconnectivity out the ass. etc etc ...i think i'll just . make the intro more diagram-based... and i wont focus on individual guys outside of if they choose to make their own post. but the pinned intro post wont have any specific guys. except maybe the selfsona (<- what we call our drawings of our bodily appearance, and usually what we default to drawing when we dunno who we are lol)

[thejitterbugs]

guess who forgot this account existed :flex emoji flex emoji flex emoji we r kinda going thru shit atm though anyways so its not like i need to feel guilty about it omg. i keep going like "i need to make a habit out of having a ramble account to shamelessly put our thoughts where our abusers dont have access! :)" and then abandoning ship the moment we dont do it for more than a week as if tumblr accounts have expiration dates. (TO BE FAIR this could tie in with how we have some pre-syscovery bitterness in regards to lack-of-communication and pre-syscovery "voices in my head who arent real" hostsyndrome fights that got ugly frequently. we may start to feel the need to abandon a communication method if we dont use it frequently enough bc we register it as "well i guess this one isnt working either/we wont be listened to this time either". sigh i need to work smth out about that. <-WE do. not one singular guy is responsible for it dumbass/lh)

[thejitterbugs]

i feel like ppl don't talk enough about how even some communities that claim to be survivor-inclusive are all fine and dandy until someone's trauma is like, obscure or impossible to make light of. like ive spoken about my experiences in similar spaces and i'll have people look at me like this

like idk sorry my trauma is uncomfy for u to hear. it was way worse experiencing it actually :thumbsup: FOR THE RECORD I HAVE NEVER JUST DUMPED MY INFO TO SOMEONE UNPROMPTED. i'm talking about talking in a space where its welcomed and at the proper time to do that and stuff. hell this sorta thing has even happened in vent chats "orz what do you want from me

[thejitterbugs]

once i figure out how to uproot the trauma-induced emotional auto-translate in my brain so that i dont have to strap my nervous system down to a stretcher its so joever. until then i have to just keep killing everyone around me

[thejitterbugs]

something that's a little sad to see is when systems-- new or not, its more common with newly discovered systems but ive seen those who have been well aware of their plurality still do this-- blatantly and persistently shoo away any sign that someone new is forming. like, borderline insulting the system as a whole for splitting someone new, as if its their choice. like, ok, to be overwhelmed is one thing- and is expected! but to actively voice that you dont want someone to exist and would rather literally put in effort to suppress their existence than to even acknowledge that there *is* someone there... is kinda just abusive to your headmates. i'm gonna be frank here. youre abusing your headmates if you do that. and its not gonna make them want to communicate or cooperate any more than they may or may not already want to. we learned the hard way that doing this pushes back trust and communication by LANDSLIDES, and will ultimately make it worse for the whole system. when has ignoring your issues ever done anything other than let it fester and come back 10x harder to take on. the number of people sharing a body can be stressful, but you legitimately have bigger fish to fry than cringe factor- and if its blurriness/switch frequency/alloted time out(or lack thereof) thats the stressful part, communication is what will help that. not the complete opposite. TL;DR: be fucking nicer to your headmates guys, suppressing anyone's existence or outwardly expressing your disdain for their existence is going to make them feel unsafe in their own head. dont do that to them. i see it happen too often

[thejitterbugs]

i love being a system because people will hug each other or otherwise give physical comfort and i can either cry so loudly or be like GAY. GAY. GAY. GAAYYYY. this is just like a real family guys

[changelingcoded]

Rule of thumbs, if someone is fake claiming, they were never supportive and their opinion is biased, therefore can be disregarded

true !!!!