#si tw

[brokenrot]

iknow I literally just reblogged a post about this but it drives me insane how people are about trans women not being able to access estrogen. and also trans men but that's not my thing to talk about and it's prob different in some ways. because it's always a variation of "oh you'll be valid no matter what" or "well some cis women have that problem too" to every single complaint constantly and that's Not the point. the point is I am upset I have been denied throughout my life the medical care that would have kept me alive and put me into a body I felt comfortable in. I tried to kill myself 3 times. i still want to kill myself because I cannot ever be in a body I like. I'm not even that old and I can't. I cannot. and I would like my pain to be acknowledged instead of dismissed. I would like to be allowed to be angry about my suffering instead of it being redirected to the suffering of cis women because beauty standards damn us all. I would like to be understood.

[dahliagothdoll]

wanting to blow my brains out just to get you out of my head.

[thecorvidforest]

OCD culture is experiencing the most awful debilitating symptoms that keep you up at night and lowkey make you want to die (not an exaggeration) but not being able to talk about it because everyone thinks OCD is just liking things to be tidy and line up and if you talk about your symptoms you’ll be told you’re a terrible person and should be locked up in a psych ward

[camvents]

they don’t even care about last night.

I could’ve died.

[babyjakes]

stuff from my journal ig (tw’s: mental illness, si, trauma/ptsd themes, i am so unwell but also dw abt me i promise im j chillin)

[corezy]

pffft imagine being suicidal over stupid internet discourse. couldn’t be me. (it’s me)

[kurulover]

if i don’t kill myself right now i’m going to kill myself

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

It really sucks that one of the after effects of having been gaslit is having parts ready to gaslight ourselves now.

Last night we got triggered bc husband seemed off but when we had asked about it a couple times throughout the day he said he was fine. And the dissonance between his words and his demeanor left us questioning what was real. Some parts were quick to jump in and try to convince us that we'd just been imagining things. That we should trust his words instead of what we thought we perceived. Which triggered other parts who were very adamant about not ignoring our perceptions. And I was stuck, unsure of what was real.

Then when someone tried to talk to him about it this morning they had a hard time explaining and he thought we were saying that he was trying to convince us we were imagining things and it was a mess. But once we'd calmed down a bit we were able to talk to him about all of it and explain that it was just the dissonance between his words and demeanor that triggered us to gaslight ourselves. And he was able to explain that he was just tired and malaised yesterday in a way that didn't really register to him as something being wrong which is why he had said he was fine. So we talked about better communication strategies for the future.

But yeah. It's so incredibly distressing to not know what's real and feel like I can't trust my own perceptions. And knowing about our DID and time loss just gives extra fuel to the parts gaslighting us from the inside.

We're not actively in distress anymore but I'm not really ok. My grasp on what's real still feels tenuous and echoes of distressed parts pleas for death still linger. Echoes of fear and pain still resonate. It's quieter now, just an after image, but still there.

I'm tired.