The journal of my journey

This blog is about my life, and since it's messy, I hope I will be able to see clearer.

[thejournalofmyjourney]

Online diary. To understand where this is coming from: www.thejournalofmyjourney.tumblr.com

[thejournalofmyjourney]

Explanations

Approximately everyone I talk about on this blog is aware it exists and read some parts of it. Now that was the point.

I have to get some little things out of the way in order for it to keep its original purpose: help me clear my mind.

Eveything I write, I mean it. If you’re in there, you either did something I loved, or did something that hurt me or made me angry.

I will never try to put myself above the people I talk about as I know I did mean things too. And I will try to mention my own behavior from now on.

I try not to insult people, because 1st I know some of them read, and 2nd because it doesn’t do any good to me. I try to build a reflection upon whether I feel good or bad and why.

Now, it is something to write about someone in their diaries (okay mine is public, but I don’t use names and the only ones recognised will be by themselves). And it is something to say that they are stabbed in the back online. But do the same thing, I don’t quite understand. Because if you think this is not normal, why do you do the same?

And, I will respond to your message right here. Dear, I know you suffered. And I have suffered too. The thing is don’t even remember why we fought in the first place. But it is not what matters. What matters is that, I feel you keep throwing it to me in the face. You want to talk outside, to tell me that you made progress on yourself and that you grew up. I am genuinly happy for you. But it conveys an other message. Because when you tell me: things can never go back to normal, it means that now that you grew up, I am not worthy of you. And I got that, you made it clear. But stop rubbing it in. Our lives drifted appart, and I accepted that. I know you have accepted it too. 

So we have to leave this alone.

[thejournalofmyjourney]

I am haunted

I never was your sweetheart. And I feel bad. And I feel sad. I wonder why you would do this to me. You told yourself: Because she is young, She will recover.

But, months passed, And your laugh haunts my life, And your body haunts my dreams. Like the ghost of my past.

Maybe you died a little, When things ended. And you haunt me because You are resentful. And you haunt me because

Maybe after all, You cared about me?

[thejournalofmyjourney]

Sadness at my door

Tonight, I realised plenty of things that made me feel awfully sad. Broken friendship, broken heart, broken me.

Firstly, I walked on a picture I loved taken with someone who turned her back on me. I thought it did not matter and that I was strong. That I wasn’t touched my this. So it happens, I was. And it makes me angry. Because why would I be the one suffering when I did not do anything wrong? You could rot in hell I thought I wouldn’t care. Turns out I have feelings, well, that’s a first... But everytime I have thoughts like this, I remind myself the following things

“I was the only one trying to save the friendship”, yeah right, and I am just a filthy bitch you can spit on and come back to. If you need someone to hate, you know what, pick me, I am used to this. But don’t you dare think you can come back and tell me stuff like this. 

“It can never be like it was”. I. Don’t. Care. You make your own decisions. If you were just intelligent enough you would know a rational human being does not toy with people like this and that once you took your decision, even though you have remorse, you don’t come back. Please, don’t come back or I will have to be mean.

Secondly, I just found a gift I was supposed to give to my ex boyfriend, for Christmas. To me, this marker pen is just a symbol of this relationship. It is the symbol that I knew everything about him, and that he didn’t know anything about me. He told me once he liked the smell. I put that in a corner of my brain and acted on it. He couldn’t even tell I hated dark chocolate . My champ. I saw this and I had regrets. But this I need to suppress right away. I can not allow myself to fall back on something like this. I just need to remember he said: “I can’t develop my feelings” and “if you want things to end now, I understand and I won’t try to stop you.”

Thirdly, I found an old notebook I always had on me. I read a story that was in there, I also found plenty of sticky notes with a lot of ideas on them. And I felt so sad. Because I don’t write anymore. I have some ideas, but it is impossible for me to put them on paper. I am helpless. I used to love writing, I don’t know what happend, what broke inside.

So now, I just feel all washed out, empty, like I feel nothing.

[thejournalofmyjourney]

Burying the hatchet

Tonight I write to make peace with myself. I have been putting my body and mind through a lot, too much. I was devastated by bad decisions, and not necessarily only mine. I dove deep down in a noxious relationship, and I couldn’t resolve myself to end it. 

“I'm in too deep and I’m trying to keep up above my head, instead of going under.” “In too Deep”, All Killer No Filler - Sum 41 

For once I did the right thing. It was the final straw, and he knew it. I know he wanted me to break up for him, well be the bigger man for once. I guess I did what he wanted but at least it’s over. The only thing that came out of this is that when I take decisions I tend to stick with them. At least when it is about ending things.

I get out of this relationship stronger, more independant and motivated to take care of myself. Because I don’t need a dead weight to carry around everywhere. I also need to focus on myself, right?

[thejournalofmyjourney]

I want to be a better man. Well, I am doing the best I can.

“Better Man”, Somebody New - Bella Figura

[thejournalofmyjourney]

Relapse

I was reading what I wrote a month ago, about being merely happy. Well I am not anymore. 

When I take great decisions, I cannot compel myself and I relapse. I said I would cut him off completely. Now we’re dating. But I am not happy. When we are together I feel I am waisting my time. Like I could do something more interesting. I don’t want to introduce him to my friends, not because I am afraid they won’t like him, just because I am not proud to call him my boyfriend. 

It’s been more than a month. We have not been to the restaurant, or the bar, or anywhere. He didn’t get me anything, not even a flower for Valentine’s Day. I know I feel bad because I don’t do anything new, I have my routine. And it destroys me. And he doesn’t help me at all break it.

When I tell him I don’t feel really great at the moment, he asks me what is wrong. I lie, because I know if I tell him I feel depressed he will tell me it’s all in my head and I have everything to be happy.

I feel like he is just my friend, but mostly I am pretty sure he feels I am just his friend. In his life there is his family, his friends, school, associations, sport and then only me.

Finaly I can you see crystal-clear. We almost had it all. We could have had it all. “Rolling in the Deep”, 21 - Adele

[thejournalofmyjourney]

We don’t talk anymore. We don’t laugh anymore, like we used to do. What was all of it for ?

"We don't talk anymore", Nine Track Mind - Charlie Puth x Selena Gomez

[thejournalofmyjourney]

Keep your head up

"Keep your head up", Every Kingdom - Ben Howard

[thejournalofmyjourney]

How come?

How come you are enjoying life with your friends while I am stuck here, waiting for you to answer the phone? How come you don’t understand that I love to cuddle, I love to kiss and I love to hold hands? How come you never have cute attentions for me? How come I am drifting away again, and you don’t seem to see it? How come I am questionning my sexuality since I am with you but, I don’t know, you don’t seem to notice?

Sure enough, if I want to go out I have my own friends, and I asked you only once if you could answer more, maybe you didn’t hear. Sure enough, I didn’t say it straight to your face, but don’t you get that when I move real close to you, you should hug me? Sure enough, you have other things on your mind, with work and school. Sure enough, when you ask me if I am okay, you are not expected to listen. Sure enough, we are in a relationship, and you are so confident. But you never try to understand why I refuse you touch me.

I told myself when we started going out that I won’t be pushed aside in the background, behind everyone else. I told myself that if you did one thing wrong, well I would end things. As simple as that. You should know me, know that when I say I am okay, and then look away, it means I am not. You should know what I like, know that I am the biggest romantic on this planet and that I would like to know if you think about me from time to time. You should know that when I say “It’s okay, it’s not a big deal” it is a big deal.

I can’t believe myself. I am so pathetic. I mean, I even wrote it down. I gave you too much chances. And every time you crushed my heart as if I was nothing. As if I would always come back. As if I was not a human being with feelings. Well guess what. I am a sensitiv person. I can take a lot. But when it is too much, don’t expect me to stick around.

I am not some consolation prize. I am not some whim. I am not some toy you can play around with, put in a corner and get back to it whenever you want. 

I am a whole. Love it or leave it. I am your girlfriend. Love me or leave me.

[thejournalofmyjourney]

I pretend

It’s easy pretending you don’t exist. I see you in the halls, I tilt my head down. I see you outside, I am on the phone. I see you on social media, I scroll down. I see you in my dreams, I wake up. But, When I come across pictures of us I feel sad. My eyes tear up and my heart grows heavier. And then I remember. I remember it is you; You, who pushed me away, when I tried to come back. You, who decided we had nothing in common. You, who cut me out, telling me to fuck off when I apologised. Now, I might miss you, and reply to small talk. But, let me get this straight. You lost me forever. I am never coming back.

[thejournalofmyjourney]

I wonder

I always wonder if you think of me as much as I think of you. Do you? Because sometimes, you pop into my head. And I want to text you to say: I miss you. Maybe you do things to keep me off your mind, like getting high and seeing other girls. But now, I think of you even more often. Yet you don’t answer. Never. Maybe I am not on your thoughts, while you are constantly on mine.

Maybe it is just me. Maybe you don’t care.

[thejournalofmyjourney]

I miss

I miss Our late night talks And How you make me laugh I miss Going to the movies And Watching YouTube together I miss Tickling you Cause I know you hate it And Touching your hair Cause I know you love it I miss The way you curl up against me And How you behave around me I miss The way you stare at me Like you didn't know I caught you And You telling me I am beautiful When I feel insecure I miss Eating sushis And Chocking on cinnamon I miss Sleeping in your bed Cause you keep me warm And Waking up in the middle of the night Cause I can watch you dream I miss Talking to you everyday Cause it makes life bearable And Seeing you drunk Cause it makes life worth living I miss this And I miss You.

[thejournalofmyjourney]

Today I am writing from a happier place. I feel happy actually. I feel great. And for once I am not lying. I cut everything that was rotten in my life. My job, that made me want to kill myself. My crush, that made me want to kill someone.

I guess after my exams, I finally let out the breath I had been holding for the past 10 months. Living my life as if there was 48 hours in one day. Now I can chill. Now I have the time to enjoy everything. See my parents. Eat at home. Watch series and go to the movies. And read. Read, I missed this soooo much...

I feel closer to my friends, because I am not spending my time concentrating on something that will never happen. Cutting this person from my life felt like a relief. I guess I realised that I felt pressure to hide parts of myself, that he belittled me and my opinions, he ignored me with no explanation whatsoever, he was only interested in conversation about himself and he didn’t care about knowing me at all. I was always searching for his approval. What about my opinion? Doesn’t it matter to you ? Don’t you care? I also realised he saw me to boost his ego. Because I worshiped him. But now I’m gone, and he doesn’t feel compelled to tell me he misses me.

I, for once, am proud of myself on this one and have no regrets. I deserve to be chosen undoubtedly, not merely considered. If he ain’t ready to do so, I will do it myself.

[thejournalofmyjourney]

How dare you think you’d get away with trying to play me

"Best for Last", 19 - Adele

[thejournalofmyjourney]

An eye opener

I realised something today. I realised how much a person could hurt another just with words. Not meaningful words, just with a simple conversation.

A friend of mine I like (a litlle too much I confess) asked me what I thought about fuck friends. I asked why. 

Why do I always have to ask why? 

Why was he obliged to answer: “well someone asked me and I wanted your opinion”. What am I? Your roomate you talk about sexual exploits with? I don’t think so. It might have been to test my reaction, I don’t even know.

“OMG you are jealous” he said. Guess what: I am! I am because she is better than me. Because I don’t even know her face, but I know she is at least as pretty as me. I know that she likes the same things you and I do. I know you do with her the same things you do with me. And I keep picturing it. You bring her to your place. You eat pizza. You play video games. The only difference is that she gives you what I can’t. Sex. Why can’t I? (You see, “why” again). I guess I don’t want to. It discusts me, and it frightens me at the same time. I never thought virginity would be a turn down to a guy. Well I guess I should have thrown my ass at someone when I could because now I feel like I am trapped. This girl has everything. She is able to talk about sex to a guy she barely knows. I don’t understand why he is happy about it. Since when talking about sex is attractive?

I actually hate myself right now. Because all I do is think of him. All he does is thinking of someone else. He called me on a Sunday night to ask if I have weed, and I say “Of course, what for?”. What a dummy. I ended up selling it to some girl he “owed one” to. Guess what, the same girl. He even told me he didn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore. 

Now, I don’t have weed and he has a fuckfriend. I now crave for a distraction weed could have offered me, but that I can’t satisfy anymore, and a cold I got by walking half an hour under the rain to sell it.

Which brings us to what I actually wanted to write about. 

I told him to stand up for himself, when I knew all I would get was the wrath of the person he finally stood up against. But what I didn’t know was that I would get to see my history repeating, except that this time, I was not the main protagonist.

And it was not me who got the happy ending.

[thejournalofmyjourney]

Hope you guessed my name

"Sympathy for the Devil", Beggars Banquet - The Rolling Stones