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@thekatieflaneffect
david duchovny speedo and pizza ..cus life is good
He’s So Perfect ! #billpullman #zeroeffect #billpullman4president #cute #eyecandy
have i mentioned my rekindled crush on young Bill Pullman?
Cut open my sternum, and pull
Startin to feel that being away from him burn sooner and sooner after we part ways! </3
9/29/2014
I wonder why im so destroyed by him not being here anymore. Ive been able to laugh. Ive been able to love and be with friends and enjoy myself. But the moment that all stops and its just me and the world I feel something break a little more. The pain feels just a tad worse than it did when i found out.
I think its because for me, Jake was what I always wanted. He was someone who met me and found me cool at first, then even after seeing all the messy bits and ucky pieces stuck around and loved me all the same. He built me back up all though, stronger than I had been before. Jake's love rebuilt me. And its just made worse by the fact I cant hug him or anything in appreciation for that. All i can do is feel.
Im doing a lot of it too.
I miss you Jake. I hate this... that you're not here.
It still really sucks knowing you're not here.
I can barely believe you surprised me today. I didnt expect something so soon, especially today.
I was very blue this morning - slept in and slept well-ish. I woke up and talked to Chris for a good while about him helping Paige get to your service. (she ended up not needing it) and the ceremony itself. He loved you. As a duo, we LOVED you. He was going to go early to help your mom and everybody set up - that wonderful man. He knows exactly how much of a tragedy is is that the earth lost a force like you. Anyway...
I was just going to fuck around my dads house and clean and head to some of the local shops to get some of the necessities for their place - napkins, napkin holders, new kitchen towels, etc. Just to make this awesome house a bit more homey.
i got a facebook message from an element of my past, Christopher Garten - a friend/romantic interest from the wonderful months of my 15th year. He saw I was in Clermont and he was just an hour away - so last minute despite my reservations I agreed to meet him at a half way point for lunch - simple enough.
I met him after a nerve-racking ride in my dads Saab that is notorious for its mechanical issues. Despite its cry for coolant i continued on my way. I paid for gas, and the 4 Florida tolls despite it being just 40 minutes away, and met you in the outside patio of an Applebee's that to my relief was still in business - (since i picked the place and called to get a dead phone line after he was on his way i figured we'd encounter that issue when we got there.) I was very relieved that i made it and there was an actual applebees to meet at.
Now, I really didnt know this person very well when i did know him in the first place, considering the last time we really even spoke it was 6 years ago. That means that the 4th of July that i kissed him it was 2007. Despite this somewhat awkward fact, i guess we just hoped for the best and took a friend when they were very few and far between here in this Sunshine State.
He smoked probably 7 cigarettes in the 2 hours we hung out. I had 2 drinks, he had 6 beers. He had quite a lot going on in his life - i believe i listened to his side before I threw mine in there. As most people with more than bullshit to talk about, we bullshitted first. About tattoos, jobs, places to live. etc. We were getting deep in this conversation, to my relief. Luck was on my side and he was a man of substance, intelligence, faith, and spirituality. Despite everything going on in his life, he remained so hopeful. Harder than Jake in many ways, but just as loving to those close to him. My most hopeful thoughts go out to him and his loved ones. They are innocent and do not deserve what they are going through. <3
When it came my time to share the ugly bits, I told him all about Brendan, our only connection to eachother (unfortunately a negative conversation) and we both hold tremendous hope that he comes down here and, being faced with this entirely different situation, chooses to get it together. He having this Christopher Garten would be amazing from my perspective. I then got into the crux of my life right now, the loss and realizations ive had regarding my lovely Jakeface. and my god, what happened then truly was amazing.
He quoted Bashar. Word.For.Word.
We were speaking about his passing on, about his new adventure and how i hoped he would have some time to visit me someday- and somewhere in all of this he says: "The one is all and the all is one."
He might as well have punched me in the face, and i didnt hide it very well.
Somehow, when i was feeling so far from where it was all important, feeling the weight of my absence from the ceremony going on without me; the source of my new-found peace found me again! All the way out in Florida and in a person i have not been close with since before i was an "adult".
Im telling you, it was no coincidence. This was no "oh thats just weird" moment. Jakes favorite thing in all of things, synchronicity found me when I felt farthest from the magic. My god, it is truly amazing.
Thank you Jake - I told him all about you, we're both happy that you've moved on to the real adventure though we're sad we didnt get to dick around with you in this life a little longer. Until then! I love you<3
Oh Jake. My Darling Lovely Jakeface.
I'm sorry for writing you out of such pain the other day. I came to such a mellowing pain-relieving realization yesterday thanks to you. Remember Bashar? Well - I remembered you showing him to me and listening to him in my room the wonderful summer of 2013 when we really got to know eachother.
I wondered how he viewed death - and got to work. What i found was absolutely what I needed to hear.
It is through him that i was reminded of the physical and ethereal realms. The states of consciousness that most of us just arent ready for yet. Its amazing... because if anyone was ready; aware of what was happening to them when they passed over, it was you. If anyone could have made the absolute most of the endless possibilities at your disposal now that you have left your physical body - its you!
I was reminded that our relationship is not over - you are not gone. Our friendship has only changed form.
I realized every regret i may have and all the love that i feel you now know and can feel yourself, wherever you are.
I picture you meeting the advanced beings and entities like bashar and thousands more who are so happy to meet you because you're one of the few they dont have to explain so much to.
My only hope, my only selfish request/s:
Make time for me when you get it. Once you're done getting to know your new possibilities, visiting all the corners of the infinite universe you only could wonder about while you were here. Once you're done visiting your mother, and Julia, (Especially Julia) and Paige, Max, Kenny&Dave, Alexis, Dave Kahen, & Stef. Please.. Please make some time for me. Just pop by in my dreams; as much as you can would be nice but even once would be enough for me to live in this realm just a tad happier than i was just having known you; for i really feel i need to do the following things we talked about but never got to do:
- Go to gratifly.
- A renaissance fair.
- Get Indian food - in huntington or india. Your choice.
Even if we just end up hanging out on a mountain in peru somewhere - Even if we just end up hanging out in my room one more day - i dont care. just to feel you once more before meeting you over there myself would mean the absolute world to me.
I under appreciated you greatly; thinking when i was in a better time for myself that i would be able to do all these great things we spoke of. I feel tremendous guilt for this and am going to do my best for this to not interfere with my relationships in the future.
I love you Jake. I love you so much and I will forever miss you so much.
My god.. Not you. Not you Jake.
Jake, My Jakeface, the last person I got close to before I moved.The only reason I've truly regretted ever leaving.
Such an amazing year its been until 7:25am on Monday, September 8th, when my ignorant innocent bliss crashed down on me.
You were tragically killed in a car accident. You... You. Of all the god-given good there was on this whole damned planet, you and your amazing goodness was stolen from me, from us. from everyone who had yet to meet you and would have loved you.
Im at work right now, listening to Bashar... because i just really miss you more than i already did before any of this. I havent listened since before my move last year.... with you. In my room on those sunny days we'd laze and fuck around. It hurts a little but I love when he gets comical. I remember just listening and looking over at you to smile/laugh.... because you knew I loved aliens and of course knew to show me this human channelling an extraterrestrial being coming through to open our minds to our own power and natural selves..... ugh.
Its sinking in more and more by the minute. I wish you knew how deep I felt for you. I hope you do now. I love you Jake.
♡ find your best posts on my blog ♡
This is perfect <33
Good Afternoon Tumblr, this is a rant.
As I sit here with bleach on my faint mustache after getting out of a 40 minute shower that did nothing but stress me out, I really had no where else to turn to get this out of my system.
I hate this ritualistic shit girls have to do to fit in and be pretty. (even though i do enjoy the pretty part.)
Up until a couple of months ago, i never did cateye makeup, curled my hair, styled my hair and Ive been using a 2 in one shampoo/conditioner everyday in the shower. I use irish spring for my face and body, and thats about it not including plucking my eyebrows. This had never been an issue in the past, for anybody. No one really cared what I did cause i really didnt look too bad. Most of my boyfriends thought it was great that the total time it took for me to get ready was 20 minutes (on a not shaving shower day.) All until Chris.
He never really said or did anything to make me feel this way, but ever since things got serious Ive felt the strongest need to "put the effort in" like all the other girls he was dating used to. Hed ask my why I didnt put my hair up, or lecture me on how gross it is i use a bar of soap, show me how much better his hair felt because he used conditioner. etc etc. Fuck, i was using mens deodorant until i met him. Ive already made big steps and sacrifices. I know its because i love him and i dont have to do any of it but i chose to cause i think hell like it.
Ive gone to both the rite aid and cvs near my place over 4 times this week and just stared at the make up and facial products and hair products and my mind just cant pick from all of them. I never bought anything. None of those times. If this wasn't brooklyn id be worried i come off like a crazy. luckily no one notices that here.
Damn i feel psycho sometimes.