I HATE MY LIFE.
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@thekimboo2
I HATE MY LIFE.
...
I once was a little girl who believed she wouldn’t make it past 15.
I fought a war with myself. I fought, I fell and I got up again.
I told myself that all of that was worth it. That everybody struggles that hard to stay alive.
I made it to 15.
I once was a girl who believed she wouldn’t make it past 18.
The war inside got harder, more brutal. The battles longer, the losses got bigger. I kept fighting, I kept falling and I kept getting up again. Once again I told myself that all that was worth it. That everybody struggles that hard to stay alive. It wasn’t as easy to convince myself as it was years ago.
I made it to 18.
I once was a girl who believed she wouldn’t make it to 23. I am still that girl. I still don’t believe that I am going to make it. Every day it gets harder to convince myself that it’s worth it. Thinking everyday about how and when I’m going to do it. I don’t know how long I can keep fighting. But I’m still fighting, falling and getting up again. Everyday all over again.
Loosing Your Best Friend
I haven’t lost her yet. But I think I’m in the process of loosing her. I’ve been trying to save our friendship but she’s making it impossible. She’s using my insecurities and things I’ve trusted her with to hurt me. And to me that’s one of the biggest betrayals there is. And another thing is she doesn’t even seem to care. How can she not care? We’ve been best friends for years. And it’s not just me. She’s pushing away all her other friends too. Everyone exept for her boyfriend (and they aren’t even toghether for that long). For the past few months she’s been acting weird and she won’t tell me why. She doesn’t want to hang out. She’s even stopped texting me back (or I just get a disinterested short answer).
I don’t know what to do or how to deal with it. I don’t have many friends (or any real friends at all). She’s the only one I really could talk to. I don’t know what to do without her. But I also don’t know how to save our friendship if she doesn’t seem to want it. Without her I’m alone and I don’t know if I can handle that.
Have you ever gone through something like that?
My Kind of Poem
I knew a boy who liked to draw He drew pictures that nobody saw He was most artistic late at night In the bathroom out of sight He kept a secret no one knew He didn’t tell a soul and his gallery grew His drawings were different no paper or pen But needed a bandage now and again We stood by the river under the stars He rolled up his sleeves and showed me his scars He felt embarassed and looked down at his shoe Then i rolled up my sleeves and whispered ‘I draw too’
Compliments
“Why don’t you accept compliments?”
“Because it feels like I’m beeing lied to.”
That’s kind of how I feel like about compliments. I don’t get them very often but when I do I alwas feel like the person lies to me. Like the person feels like they have to say something nice without really meaning it. And most of the time I’m right. The person giving me a copliment didn’t mean it and just said it to be nice. So whenever somebody says something nice about me I always doubt it because I feel like it’s not true. And if the compliment is true I can’t accept it because I don’t agree or I just don’t see myself that way. I’m trying to accept compliments and belive that they are true. But I don’t think that I’m gonna make any progress on that soon.
Never Trust A Mirror
Never trust a mirror. A mirror always lies and makes you think that all you are worth can be seen from the outside. Never trust a mirror. It only shows you what’s skin deep. You can’t see how your eyelids flutter when you’re drifting of to sleep. It doesn’t show you what the world sees when you’re only beeing you. Or how your eyes light up when you are doing what you love to do. It doesn’t capture when you’re smiling when no one else can see. And your reflection can’t tell you everything you are. Never trust a mirror. And if you think that it dictates what you are worth it’s time you look within.
You Are ...
You are not your bra size, nor are you the width of you waist, nor are you the slenderness of your caps. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe sizes have no concequence. You are not defined by the amound of attention you get from males, females or any combination thereof. You are not the numbers of situps you can do, nor are you the number of calories you eat in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not your little black dress.
You are none of those things.
Killing Myself
NO I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF
But sometimes I think what would happen if I did. I wonder what other people think. What would my friends do or say? Who would miss me? What would my family say at my funeral? How would my friends and family grief? Would my friends even miss me? How long would it take my best friend to move on?
I know it’s totaly psycho. But sometime I just can’t help it and I start thinking about this. It’s totaly insane. And I probably have some mental issues. But that’s just something nobody knows about and I can’t talk about because people would think I’m crazy.
Do you think about crazy shit like this? Let me know.
My Obsessions
Part three
This is going to be kind of similar to part two. But I tought it was a great idea to share my favorite songs. I love listening to music and sometimes I love one song. And with that song I’m gonna be obsessed for a while. I like different music genres.
Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood
The Hills - The Weeknd
See You Again - Wiz Khalifa
Fourth Of July - Fall Out Boy
My Love Will Never Die - Hozier
Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots
Bleed It Out - Linkin Park
Songs About Roses - Owl John
Prayer Of The Refugee - Rise Against
Happy Song - Bring Me The Horizon
Intro - The XX
Last Resort - Papa Roach
Killing In The Name - Rage Against The Machnine
Hell Yeah - Bloodhound Gang
Beautiful Now - Zedd
Lean On - Major Lazer
Good For You - Selena Gomez
Say My Name - The Neighbourhood
Can’t Feel My Face - The Weeknd
Throne - Bring Me The Horizon
That’s all I could think of for now. I probably will do an updated list sometimes.
Stressed Out
I know in my previous posts I said that I never do anything but watching TV-shows (and that’s still what I do the whole day) but sometimes I feel stressed out from doing nothing. My school starts tomorrow and I don’t want to go back. From six week of doing nothing to total stress. The first day of school is kind of chill. You get your schedule and you get told who your teachers are. But the second day is where a lot of things are starting to happen. You have to go to class, you get your books for the year and some asshole teachers decide to start with the curriculum. You get homework and you have to learn. Most of the times I don’t learn but it’s my final year and I’m already scared of the finals so I think I have to learn this year. And that’s where my feeling of being stressed out starts. I don’t like to do stuff. I like to sit in bed all day and watch TV-shows. So I feel stressed out and from feeling stressed out I get moody. Not a good combination. I hate that feeling and I have no idea how to stop feeling that way.
If you have any tips and tricks for me to not feel that way please let me know.
My Non-existing Friends
I don’t have many friends. And the friends I have are not really my friends. They’re the kind of friend you have in school. In school you hang out with them and talk to them but as soon as you leave school you have your own lifes and other friends. Well they have but I don’t. I have them and after school I have no one. I only have my tv-shows and my music. I don’t have anyone to talk to. And sometimes that feels lonely. Over the years I got used to being alone and not having anyone to talk to. I feel like I can’t have honest conversations with my friends in school because they already think I’m weird. Sometimes I wish that I had a really close friend. But then I think it would be to hard to keep that friend. I grew to like my life like it is. Sometimes I wish it would change but after a while I realize that that’s never gonna happen. And I have no idea why I’m posting that on my blog so that everybody can read it but I like to think that I’m not the only one who feels like this or that I help somebody with those blog posts. I know it’s stupid and the people who read this are probably thinking ‘get a life’ but somehow it makes me feel better writing about my life.
My Obsessions
Part two
I’m a normal human being. So I like music. I mean who doesn’t like music? I listen to music a lot. So I tought maybe I’ll tell you what my favorite bands are. Or the bands I’m obsessed with. A few of them you might not know but you can check them out. Without further ado here are my favorite bands.
The Neighbourhood
Fall Out Boy
Of Mice & Men
Hozier
Billy Talent
Imagine Dragons
Linking Park
Nirvana
The Amity Affliction
Rise Against
Skrillex
Bring Me The Horizon
Pierce The Veil
Black Veil Brides
Bastille
There are more bands but that’s all I can think of right now.
Well, My Life Is Boring
I tought I could start kind of a diary. But then I realized that my life is damn boring. I tought back on what I did today and all I did was eating, watching a tv-show, listening to music and being on tumblr. And that´s exactly what I did yesterday and the day before and I’ll probably do the same things tomorrow. I don’t know how to change that or how to make my life more interesting so that it’s worth writing a diary. So I guess until I figure that out I’ll do nothing the whole day. Hope you have a more exciting life than I do.
30 Day Unfuck Your Life Challange
I try to set myself a goal for every day to slowly ‘unfuck’ my life. they are like really small goals but baby steps are fine and definitely something to be proud of!
I started this challenge for myself and I actually had fun and was much happier every time after finishing one of the ‘tasks’ so I thought I’d share it with you :)
make your bed right after you wake up
drink 2 cups of water after you wake up
prepare your breakfast/lunch or dinner for the next day
pick up everything in your room that’s lying on the floor and put it where it belongs
use body lotion after your shower. take your time until your whole body feels soft and smooth. and if your body lotions smells of coconut - be proud to be the worlds largest walking coconut!
pick your outfit for the next day so you don’t have to do it in the morning
practice single-tasking. eat, watch an episode of a tv show, listen to music. focus on what you’re doing.
bring all the dishes to the kitchen (be extra proud of yourself if you actually wash them)
go on a walk - don’t take your mobile with you. look around you. this is the earth we’re living on. and it’s so absurd that we exist. laugh at your existence. it’s a comical, wonderful thing.
change your sheets
ban 5 to 10 items of clothing from your dresser. sell them, donate them, start a diy project using them, give them to a friend …
eat an orange (unless your allergic of course). eat slowly, maybe even close your eyes while eating, focus on the smell and the taste
make a to-do list for the year. even write down things that seem unrealistic. it’s okay to dream. don’t forget to write down small things like sleeping in a tent or to go strawberry picking. know that you could still do all of these things in the next year and the year after that
vacuum your room. I know it’s annoying but you’ll feel good for doing ti afterwards
eat something you’ve never eating before
clean out your desk or at least one drawer. if you find something weird or funny and get distracted and don’t finish this task, don’t be mad at yourself. take a picture of whatever you found and post it.
go to bed early and take some time to reflect on the day. if it’s been a bad day try to find peace in the thought that tomorrow will be better
call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. if you’re scared you could also text them (or send them a nice anonymous ask if they’re on tumblr)
stay offline. do it for the day, for a few hours, until 4 pm - you choose!
change something in your room. it doesn’t have to be a big thing, maybe you’ll just put up a picture. be proud for putting up that damn picture!
donate some of your old stuff
be proud of yourself for everything you’ve done in the past few days!!
prepare as much as possible for the next day (pack your bag, pick an outfit, prepare some food)
get rid of something. throw away that one thing you wanted to throw away for ages. today is the day!
say no. I mean only if you want to. if someone offers you a donut and you want it then please don’t say no.
let go. of whatever - a goal, a thing, a person, a memory
write an email to your future self (futureme.org)
try a new recipe. send me some of whatever you created in the kitchen
make a list with things that cheer you up when you’re feeling down. put that list somewhere you can always see it. now when you’re sad you might not remember a lot of things that could make you feel better - look at your list when it’s time
choose to have a good day. you finished the challenge, surely that’s something to be happy about! you go, you!
Life Advice
Before you read the actual post I just wanted to say how important those words are. You should live like that. I know I don't but I try my best to honour those words.
You are not your selfie, the width of your waist, nor are you your six-pack. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you your bra-size. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any cobination thereof. You are neither the number of friends you have, nor are you the number of countries you visited. You are not your tattoos, nor you flawless skin. You are not your job, your clothes or your possessions.
You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things you laugh at and the words you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.
My Obsessions
Part one
Because my life is so boring, I have lots of spare time. So I’m watching a lot (and I mean a lot) of TV shows. So I’m going to list all of the shows I love. Just for you.
Pretty Little Liars
Game of Thrones
The Vampire Diaries
The Originals
Hart of Dixie
Desperate Housewives
Grey’s Anatomy
Teen Wolf
The 100
Once Upon A Time
Gossip Girl
90210
Glee
The Walking Dead
Revenge
Castle
White Collar
Orphan Black
Prison Break
Misfits
There are loads more shows but that’s all I could think of. I may continue the list sometime. But that’s all I have for today.
Welcome To My Blog
Hello, my name is Kim and I'm 16 years old. I decided to start this blog because... Well there is no reason why. I just felt like it.
My life is pretty boring. So you are going to hear a lot about my thoughts, things I like and my classmates (they're really annoying).
Oh, and if you are wondering why my english is so bad, that's because I'm German. I’m really trying my best to write properly.
Hope you are enjoying this blog and that you can relate to the things I write about and that they're maybe even going to help you in your life.