The Brain Attic @thelazylullaby - Tumblr Blog

It’s a Tuesday, let’s start at the beginning.

Hello, my life has been fuxking awesome for a very long time. And I think I just needed something good in my life to see that. And that good thing. Her name is Sadie. We went out on our first date may 28th this year. We played Cornhole in the park, had dinner after and then drinks. We talked about a lot. But one of the big things is she lives and works in Canada and wouldn’t be here after the summer was over. I told her I didn’t have my passport (but I would start that process in the next couple of hours) and that if we did long distance it would only be for one year. She kissed me hard when I said that.

So the thing is that she inspired something in me. I felt like I was on autopilot my whole life. And when I met her, I was pulled forward. Like a switch flipped and I started to feel human again. I spent the good part of my life disassociating myself. And have lost touch of my emotions and my humanity a bit. Don’t get me wrong though, meeting her didn’t immediately fix all that. But it was the spark that lit the flame. And inspired me to get serious about my career and my life. I signed up for therapy after that. Not because I was in crisis or anything but because I wanted to grow and work on myself. I started studying for the LSAT. Which I plan to take in the fall.

She kissed me first. And that was amazing. It felt like gravity shifted. It felt like …fuck. The words that tumble through my head that lightning quick speeds. They all fell away like they never existed.

A year ago. I help my friend move across the country. And I met her family. And for the first time in my life I felt a mother’s love. And dammit I felt whole. Her name is Robin and I still talk with her and her brother-in-law more than I talk with my friend actually. I found a family who accept me and love me. I’m in emotional flux right now. So I decided to sober up. I’ve strung three days together the most since since January. I’m feeling lost and I messaged Ma. And within minutes I was on the ground crying because her words moved me and make me feel good.

/Hello friend

You know that feeling when you don’t exactly know what to say? You think about in your freshman comp class and you instructor kept drilling it into you “Write for one person. You try to write for everyone and you will fail exponentially”. It is just in the voice in the back of my head now sitting under my conscience. I don’t have anything to write. I would go so far as to say i haven’t an audience. So i am just writing because i want to.

I don’t remember the last time i wrote in here. Maybe it was yesterday. maybe it was a month or closer to a year. I don’t want to look. I am too sober to deal with it....i remember now. I wrote when my cousin died. my cousin who was closer to me than my own sisters. and before that it was when my old friend died. I remember why i didn’t want to write on here. I didn’t want to see what i wrote before. I am a coward.

I visited my friend a few months back. it was fun. it was life. I’m going to visit again soon.

when i visited him. i was suppose to meet my pen pal. She was interesting. I stopped talking to her at the start of the year. when i decided to be sober. it felt great. but i got depressed. i let the loneliness back in. so i relapsed. It was good in that it helped to realize my addiction. anyway, i talked to her when i was drunk. and she told me she loved me. and i told her the same. i didn’t mean it though. i just meant that i loved that talking to her pushed the loneliness out. i shouldn’t have lied, but i didn’t want to be rude.

(i have this habit of saying i abhor qualifying statements. and anything said before the word “but” does NOT count. Though i do think doing it while not being conscience of it. has helped me to understand more about myself.) I am a liar.

In my drunkedness. I talked to a young lady i haven’t spoken with in a year. we talked for hours. I shared some of my philosophical insights. she kept reminding that she too was drinking and she was in a bathtub. I remember that. I felt like she was flirting with me. I liked her. and she lives close to me. She could be a cure to my loneliness. I don’t want that. This pain is a part of me. So after i hung up on her. I messaged her ex boyfriend. and talked to him. told him a bunch of sideways things about myself. all the truth of course. it was just that i wanted him to talk to his ex. and this was meant to alienate me from her. Fuck, i am a coward.

So also gave a lecture on freewill to a girl who had a crush on me. this was another friday. I developed a pattern. ( I disdain being predictable) Three fridays, three drunken conversations with females. I barely remember. though i remember parts. On this friday, i was just lonely. and she called me.

The next week, some girl i never met. and we talked and talked.

on the fifth weekend. I moved to twitter. and messaged a girl who retweeted all my stuff. she is 10 years older than me. She is apparently infatuated with me, and she is kind. i don’t want to lead her on. So i am done with this habit. i am done having people listen to me.

Someone once told me that talking with someone for hours means something. that there is a connection a friendship could develop. I guess i wanted that to be true, also i want to prove it wrong. I live for contradiction. I relish in paradoxes and ironically i don’t always see when i am embodying that aspect of myself.

An overarching distraction from the beautiful//

I can’t think of anything to say. Should I explain the long gap between posts? Should I say way the last was simply exasperation? Oh who really cares. I am just content to be as it is. Punk rock and the such.

I have had an interesting thought though. I should stop doing things just to do them. I should only pursue that with which i want. I adhere to this idea as I espouse a removal of a sense of “self”. To rid yourself of an ego/pride you move toward a freedom. A freedom called enlightenment.

fucking fuckedy fuck/

AAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(Read Above)

Silent movement under still water//

I am tired. Not just physically, not tired like after a long day. I mentally and spiritually exhausted. My body is wide awake but My mind keeps saying I need to sleep. It creates this sense of restlessness in me. You know what though. I know I will get throuugh this. I don’t feel the need to reach out to someone and have them pat me on the head and say i will be fine. I know I am going to be alright. When I realized this I smiled. A month ago i would have lost my shit immediately and bothered my friends just to hear a voice and get some validation as to my suffering.

The strangest thing, I started talking to a fairly intelligent person. She compliments me in just the right way, but she is anger. She is rage. I feel as though I let her into my sense of self because she praised me in such overt ways I was taken aback. She allowed me an outlet to speak on ideas, and use my nickle and dime words. She is nothing like me.

She is unique and I don’t think I like talking to her. But I love listening to her praise me. I love that she laughs at my jokes. That she understands when I say I cut myself on occam’s razor. The ideas with which we have built ourselves though are diametrically opposites. I shall not go into the grittiness of it all . I just feel I have to be careful when interacting with this individual. Or i will lose myself again, and I have spent so long looking for this balance. I smile because I am happy in that, I cringe because I know I don’t write as well without my pains.

The removal of expectation from my reality has freed me in a way I did not know possible. The Buddha says that the root of all suffering is attachment. and I believe that expectation is an attachment to a possible future. A future, is a dangerous thing to grow attached to.

The voice from the paper stones//

I want to talk about romance with a true romantic. I miss my friend from Michigan. Actually I would be a little mortified if she just started talking to me again because I would still be embarrassed for being an idiot. Wouldn't that be a little rough but couldn't help but hope to not go back to the way things were. But continue on in a newish style. 3 and a half months with out a word. Fudge, dude. I miss you. I don't know to many other people who think like me. All optimism and anxiety rolled up into one. I am watching a Kristen Stewart movie right now and I just think "damn, Kayla was right Kristen is freaking awesome". Ah well. Maybe I would just keept writing about her for awhile. My friend, not Kristen Stewart....though maybe Kristen. Sort of a little awkward though if/when I do this, she could just say "hey so you've been writing about me?" Actually no she wouldn't say that. I do wonder what she would say. Weirdly I feel the more I write about her the less likely she is to say some thing. She loves the office but doesn't like doing something that would be considered Cringe or Awkward.

Anne, Elly, Kayla, and Brittany//

You know weird I do know that there is no place in the universe that would ever appear that would allow for the lot of you all to sit together. But you are connected through me. The only people i have ever “loved” romantically. I would want to apologize, well....for many many things. I was always an idiot, I was chasing a concept I couldn’t conceptualize. I was racing toward a cliff and thought I would fly. I didn’t know what Love was when I was in your lives. I must apologize for lying to you. I hope you will forgive me. I can’t tell if I was wrong or my definition changed. But I lied to you many times. I am sorry. I was and still am an idiot. You deserved so much more, and I happy that the lot of you have found that happiness. I didn’t want to say this to be mean or petulant. My mind just thinks I couldn’t sleep unless I said this. Now would someone punch me in the face so I can stop talking?

Why do you call your self insane//

Somewhere along the line I realized. Sense not I make have to. That the truth to the world. No matter where it is will allow itself to be known when I am ready. and moving there can not be done logically. It is like being in love, you can reason your way into and out of it. it happens. The flow of the thing is rhythmically similar to insanity. Technique is a trap, style a prison. To reach enlightenment you must liberate yourself of these shackles. Any place you do not leave is most assuredly a prison. Now I sit outside logic, I do think and I can not ascertain what the reason for it is. It makes me happy. And my train of thought sometimes turns into a plane and takes me through thoughts that don’t connect. But it is in this that I have found myself. and inched closer to the truth. the truth of the world.

The concept of Death is the biggest pile of BS i have ever come upon//

All my live I have thought about that door. And stared at it for days with my fingers on the handle. Readying myself for the next part of the journey. Good thing I pulled on that push-door. People have this idea that death is the end, and the ending is the most important. The ending to them is the moment you walk away from the typewriter and hand in your work (your life).

Fuck that. The universe has been around so much longer than us. And after we die we will have been dead in a disordinate proportion to the time we spend alive. Death is pretty insignificant, especially as an idea that takes you out of the “NOW”. If you act or move in a way that is dictate by the door at the end of the hall, what the fuck are you doing? tantamount to nothing. Yeah I know death is sad. I am living in that now. When a life is taken it isn’t only taken from the person, but also from their family/friends/community/world.

My friend isn’t dead in heart. She will always float around and make me smile. for the memories is where she will live on. You see i had this idea once that the words I write are my “soul” and when I die they will still be there. I will live on in anyone who reads them. Now I may have sounded like a pretentious asshole, but I was holding a journal and asked a friend of mine to keep it. and to read it if she ever missed me. Now, i sitting a moment that will not end. the moment of My friend Cari’s death. I will carry this with me moving forward. She is not dead.

The half of an inch different between heaven and hell is accepting things for how they are and wishing them to be otherwise.

I can’t write well-ly now-ly, sorry

Rage like the quiet of smoke//

I found myself surrounded by loneliness. As a ship becomes engulfed in darkness. Try as I might it eeked its way into me. It ebbed the flow of my sense of self. After awhile I couldn't tell if it changed me. Or in my arrogance I changed it. But what mattered was that I had become. The darkness touched me and I bloomed. I reached back and it smiled.

My mind is awake and so crushingly open like a turtle eating a sandwich

A bullet to the brain is peaceful in its own way//

I want to say this to you, but I don’t know how. I fell in love with someone. In the course of 1 year. The climax of it all was that i made her cry. Because I am a jackass. I spent the next two days floating, because she gave me a hug. I loved her so deeply that everything else that happened before seemed like a prequel and the real story was happening now. I felt like what I thought about love was this weird idolization. Like I put the concept on a pedestal, and espouse rhetoric like I felt it but only read about it in books. When someone disagreed I would say they must not know what love is. I want to punch that asshole in his smug face. That asshole that I was before I fell in love.

I love her. And I am entirely OK with that idea/fact that she doesn’t feel the same way. My friend once told me “Being in love lasts just as long as you need it”. Maybe The quiet that i felt in my fucking brain when she spoke, was just a doorway. That kismet felt I was ready for this conversation. That i would fall in love but wouldn’t lose myself in that feeling. Like this would be a good growth.

I remember when I was telling this woman how I felt about her. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t look at anyone in the room. because believe it or not, that whole was too amazing for me to believe it was real. I was saying all these crazy things, and I said a soft prayer in the back of my mind, under the blankets of words. I thought “Please for the love of god, all gods that have ever existed or ever will exist. Please let me not be sitting alone in this room when i open my eyes” So i rambled on for a bit and I slowly opened my eyes. and by some small miracle three sets of eyes stared back at me.

In that I spoke of how everything is a miracle, a series of choices that lead to the idea of “now”. I wanted to reach out hug her, stroke her hair and tell her I love her. but that wasn’t the “now” i was at.

I don’t know If i will ever talk to her again. and to me there is a beautiful sense of self that comes from that. Someone once mocked me for falling in love so “easily”. I wanted to tell them that it isn’t easy, and it isn’t a choice. Another person said that the way I fall in love it beautiful. to so fearlessly go head over heels so readily.

Callie G., she is lightning. I am happy to have just sat with her one evening and told her that she is beautiful. Now I am going to back to walking in the straight lines that my mind lays out before me.

When I say I love you, just say “I Know”//

I am going to get this off my chest. I have been sitting in it all. Right under my mind. I feel like telling this. It may not make sense, and I may forget the “order” but time is an illusion my friend. Is it alright if I call you that?

Did i ever tell you I was engaged once. For about 30 seconds. I was driving my girlfriend’s car. The car that she taught me how to drive in. My College girlfriend taught me how to drive a stick-shift. I like that. Anyway I was driving and there was a song on the radio and I smiled. Looking to the left at the mountain range. I jovially asked her “So you wanna get lunch?”. She gave me a strange look, then smiled and said “Yeah?” like what I said was the oddest of statements. I didn’t pay attention at the time so I quickly said “Ok awesome, where?” And she keeps looking at me like an insane. “What we are planning this right now?”. I said yeah, I am hungry and would love some fries. and just busts out laughing. and she just doesn’t stop. I don’t know why she is laughing but it is so infectious that I start laughing too. She says” So you said Lunch huh?” I asked her about that question after I eat. And I accidentally proposed to her. It is funny that happened.

I was also proposed to by a lovely woman i didn’t know that well. She was a friend of my friend and we were playing trivial pursuit. and she needed a green card. The difference between these stories is minimal to me. I mean, in one the words were misheard, and the other the meaning was different. In the latter tale I kindly said no, because I would only get married once and for love.

Someone once told me that symbols and meaning are two different things.

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