the life I am living

She eats a lot of rice and drinks a lot of coffee and asks people why she is gaining weight. She graduated with a Journalism degree but did not pursue that at all because she thinks her calling is in education. Currently, she watches videos, reads stories and does blogging at her spare time. But most the time, she meditates about the life that she has lived-- trying to make it worthy, trying to make it well-lived.

[thelifesoughtfor]

There ain’t Problems that Choc’late can’t Fix

I feel a little bit of down today. It started yesterday when I talked with my sibling and continued at night when I and my co-instructor talked about a certain person. 

Emotions are really powerful and they can control your life unless you control them. Unfortunately, controlling my emotions is one of the battles I find it difficult to win. 

In her poem, “If I should have a daughter,” Sarah Kay mentioned that she will have a stock of chocolate for her daughter because there is nothing that chocolate can’t fix. 

That is true at a certain degree. It was scientifically proven that sugar can cheer you up whenever you feel emotional breakdown. A recent research studied about how two different kinds of romantic movies can influence the eating habits of two groups of people. In the research, they grouped subjects into two groups. One group was asked to watch a romantic comedy and the other group was asked to watch the tragic love story. Both groups were given snacks to consume as they were watching the movie. The result shows that the group of people who watch the tragic love story consumed more of their snack as compared with the other group. The study explained that people who watched the tragic story ate more because they have to immediately cope up with a sad experience. They probably need a boost.

Sugar et. al. is an agent that can make someone fat. It is therefore logical to say that most office workers//employees who are stressed with their job can gain weight since they brush off stress by eating. 

Well, as for me, who at the moment is emotionally down, there are two ways that can instantly make me better: eating my heart out and writing my heart out. Since the former is easier to do, and requires little effort, I do it more often. 

I know I will be OK. I have always been. It’s just that sometimes, it is hard to relax and make yourself feel alright when you are not.

Good thing, there’s sugar; for there is nothing that chocolate (and sugar) can’t fix. 

[thelifesoughtfor]

Blessings Unltd.

They said that if you are troubled, you should just have to count your blessings. I am deeply troubled today about a particular thing so I cannot focus on my tasks for today. 

Instead of ranting about my problem today, I would like to just stop and count my blessings. As a song suggests, “If you sit down and count your blessings, you gotta find a comfortable chair for it might take a while to number all the ways God cares.” Or something like that. 

I still have a good-paying job. 

Despite my laziness in RareJob, I am not yet terminated.

My dad is still here. So is the rest of my family. 

I have a healthy body. No sicknesses. 

I am well-educated. I can read, write and speak English and Filipino well.

God still provides daily food. Not just the food I need but also the food I want.  

I am physically able to do zumba and other sports activities.

I have the opportunity to study Methods of Teaching in SPCF.

I have Freda and Remy to cheer me up. I also have the brothers: Peter, Renz, Alain and Kelvin. 

There are lots of books I can read of. 

God has made a way to put “him” out of my life. 

God has been calling me all through out.

Christ has been given to us that I can always repent of my sins and not dwell on them nor think of them. 

I have the opportunity to listen to beautiful songs and sing them as well. 

The salary will be released tomorrow. Yay! :)

My spiritual family, I know, is continuously praying for my return. 

I can drink expensive coffee at times. 

I was privilege to be sent to a piano school when I was young. If I go back playing, surely, I could manage it well.

Though we do not have air conditioner at home, we have fans to blow humid,hot air away.

We have a nice-looking apartment unlike other people who sleep on the streets. 

I am alive. And since I am alive, I can do a lot of things the dead cannot do. I can feel emotions. I can share them with people. I can witness life as it is and enjoy every morning coffee, every afternoon chocolate and every evening dessert. 

Every now and then, I will add blessings to this entry. I do not want to forget that amidst all the trials, there are abundant blessings still. 

[thelifesoughtfor]

The Last Dance

The title of this entry was taken from one of the soundtracks of one of my favorite series, Emma. It is such a beautiful piece of music that whenever I listen to it, I feel delighted 

I feel like dancing myself away from  lot of things and happenings. I feel like dancing myself away from some people who I think are no longer want to be part of my life. I call it dancing because I want to do it gracefully, joyfully, with my head up high. 

When I read the poem Desiderata by Max Erhman, I felt a lift in my spirit. I felt like the poem written in 1920 still apply for me today in many ways. It was as if Erhman knew I would be alive and wrote the poem for me. That, of course, is wishful thinking. He did not dedicate that for me but to all humans. I think Desiderata was written as a testimony that humans are capable of doing mistakes and plunging into deep, dreadful trials; however, it is also a testimony that they can also get back on their feet and live happily.

I would like to put here the poem itself and highlight the lines I find really inspiring.

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

The world, with all its heartaches and treachery, is the only one I have for now. And I am the only person who can decide about how would I deal with everything that is happening to me. Honestly, I am still not satisfied with the life I have lived so far. I know the reason why. For the past years, there is nothing in this life that I have been serious about-- not even my faith, not even my work. I feel like, at 24, I am not yet financially, emotionally and spiritually stable, which I should already be since I am not getting any younger. 

Not that I have never been happy, yet my happiness remained to be shallow and short-lived. At 24, I am still like a dead leaf on a river, not knowing where to go, just letting the water current take me to who-knows-where. 

It is disheartening. It is sickening. It is saddening. 

But no. I will not stop there. I will not allow myself to be consumed with all these negative emotions. I have to get back off my feet and focus. As David Wynn said, there is only one way and that way is upward (non-verbatim).

Forward Christian soldier. Forward you go!

So to end this entry, I would go back to the phrase I began this with. Today is my last dance. This is THE LAST DANCE. 

Now is the time for me to dance all the negativity away; the time to dance all mediocrity and lukewarmness away; the time to dance faithlessness, bitterness, non-productivity, shabbiness, laziness; the time sweep off all sham, drudgery and broken dreams. 

I will be better. I promise my God I will do it. I will be a lot better today than yesterday. 

I have to let go of all these traits and replace them with good ones-- those who are godly. For true it is that godly traits bring eternal joy and peace of mind. 

God be with me in this last dance. #

[thelifesoughtfor]

Endless Learning

In my past blog entry, I wrote about enrolling in the University of the Philippines Open University for my master’s degree. I did have distance learning education for a year and it was nice. I learned some things. However, I decided to quit in UPOU for some reasons. 

1. Online learning is very accessible and convenient but I still want to be in a traditional-classroom setup where I can interpersonally interact with people. We know that there is still a huge difference between interpersonal communication and mediated communication. A lot of people, including myself, would prefer the former. 

2. The course I enrolled in is related to my undergraduate course yet, it is not the path that I see myself walking onto for the next years.  I teach English and for the next years, I see myself doing the same. I suppose, it is just reasonable for me to take master’s in the English language. 

Leaving UPOU does not stop my pursuit for learning. One of my co-instructors said that I should have just finish my studies in the said institution since it is still learning. While I totally agree with that, finishing the degree would make me spend time, money and effort. That would be great if I can use that in my career; unfortunately, I cannot. 

So, I have made up my mind. This coming June 8, I will be a student of the Methods of Teaching in Systems’ Plus College Foundation. Methods in Teaching will help me improve my teaching ability since I get to learn principles of teaching, curriculum development, facilitating learning and more. My undergraduate course is far from teaching so enrolling in this course will help me be an expert in this field. I and a long-time friend, Marc Lilangan, are enrolled for 9 units. Yes, we will be very busy for the next months. 

After I finish my 18-unit course, I plan to take masters in the English Language in UP Diliman or Ateneo. I really want to study in either of those schools. 

With all these in mind, I am very excited for what the future brings. I hope I can accomplish all these without compromising time for God and my family. 

[thelifesoughtfor]

A society for readers and frustrated readers On May 21, 2015, at Gustav, Balibago, Angeles, I and the other two pioneers of The Readers’ Club had our second meeting. It was a really fun activity for all of us since we get to share the books/articles/poems, etc. we read, listen to others and drink quite expensive coffee. hihi.  I shared Sidney Sheldon’s “Tell Me your Dreams”: a story about Multiple Disorder Personality. My co-instructor-turned-friend, Remy, shared an article about smartphones and social media while Marc, my-friend-turned-co-instructor, told us about Max Ehrman’s Desiderata. I fell in love with the poem almost instantly that I wrote it on my planner. :)

We hope for more meetings and of course more members so that we can have more people to listen to. No membership fee (as of now, haha!). 

[thelifesoughtfor]

23 and a Turnabout

Here I am again, inside a coffee shop (not Starbucks for a change), thinking, meditating about the life I have been living. A few months to go and I will be 24. The clock's hands tick so fast that another year would turn in even before you know it.

And what have I done with the time passed? Not much. Well, I practically got a degree in the premier university in the Philippines, taught myself the basics of piano that I am able to play Yiruma's RIVER FLOWS IN YOU, learned to sing, dance and mingle with different kind of people, got myself a good-paying job and finally enrolled myself in the same university for master's degree. 

But aside from that, what else. Well, nothing. Practically nothing. Unbelievably, insanely nothing. If I would be honest with myself, I did not develop any talent worth showing. I have been a mediocre. I have not read a lot of books that would probably have increased my knowledge. I have not been serious with my job. I have not improved in spite and despite of everything that has transpired in my life for the past two decades.

Now, turning 24, everything that and who surrounds me has its own changes. Buildings rise up, the internet is faster than ever, colleges already accept incompetent instructors, my elementary classmates are already either married or pregnant; basically, everything has changed. 

Sadly though, I have not been keeping up with the change. I have been stuck because I pushed change away by the time it has knocked itself on me. 

Change may be tiring. But not changing is exhausting. So then, let me end this entry by saying a few things I am willing to change this year.

1. Friendship

I realize that I should not go on pleasing everybody. I can't go on with my life, feeling satisfied and contented with my mind set on pleasing everyone. I also realized that not everybody can be my friends, not in this world I suppose. So if a friendship has to be something that does not make positive things out of your life, let it go. There are some people who are not compatible with you and they end up bringing out the worst and not the best in you. There are some people who are happy seeing you miserable and that just don't help you out. 

2. Working and Saving

Per cut off, more than half of my salary is spent on things I don't even know of. When I tracked my expenditure, I found out that too much eating out is the reason of my big expenses. So, I will make it a goal to work harder and save more. Enough for lethargy.

3. Working out and Losing weight

I have gained more than 10 kilos for the past 2 years and I don't want to gain more. I need to eat right and run a lot. Less rice and less sugar.  'Nuff said.

4. Be happy

I guess I just have to be happy with whatever state I am in. Stay positive and surround myself with positive people. Negative people can only put me down. So I just have to seize every moment while it lasts and make the most of the trial that the Lord has given. 

So today, August 24, I will start to make changes. #

[thelifesoughtfor]

Pay-day Treat

I deprived myself of junk foods for a week because of two reasons: they did not fit in my budget and I was (have been) trying to live a healthy manner.

But today is different.

I did not think of buying junk foods when I initially stepped into the supermarket. All I wanted to buy were conditioner, dish washing paste, bread, cheese, soap and cotton. But hooray! While I was strolling around, my hands just voluntarily moved and got the food they thought my taste buds would like. So, to cut the long story short, by the time I left the supermarket, I had with me the following: NutriStar, Hello Panda, Sweet Corn, Tortillos Cheese, Berry Knots, Kinder Joy, Panni Carlo Wheat Bread, Eden Cheese, Brassiere (oops..), Cream Silk, Zonrox and Colgate Plax. I even forgot to buy soap and cotton. 

After that, I even ate chicken and spaghetti since I was also craving for some. Yumm!

Before I end, let me introduce Kinder Joy. I first saw this in 7-11 and was amused and curious because of its price. How can something so small be sold very expensively? Is there gold inside it? It is even more expensive than Snickers. So, I bought one and got disappointed of what I had seen when I opened it. For crying out loud, it is P 49.00! It even has a minitiaure toy car inside, which I do not know who to give to.

Anyway, I tasted it and I could bluntly tell you that your money is not worth it. 

Next salary day, I've got to try something else. #

[thelifesoughtfor]

One of the reasons why despite of my stress-causing pimples, I can't leave my job. 

[thelifesoughtfor]

Getting on with My Life

Truthfully speaking, I am no longer attracted to James Timbol. Please do not ask me my reason for this because I cannot give one. It is just that maybe, what I felt for him is likened to what we feel when we see people blessed with beauty. We get attracted to them because they please our eyes but they have never pleased our hearts. 

Anyway, he is not the main topic of this entry lest this entire blog will be devoted to him. If that happens, I have to change the blog address to iloveyoujamestimbol.tumblr.com

I will talk about my masters in UP Open University. When I talk about it, I just don't feel very excited because I don't feel prepared about studying again. Nonetheless, I have got no choice but to study if I want to progress with my career. I also have to study since I already paid roughly P 9,000.00 as my matriculation fee. 

Next month will be the start of my hell year. Of course, I have to work in ACA in the morning and work in RareJob at night. I still don't know where would I fit studying and making lessons in. I will just have to cross the bridge when I get there.

On a positive note, despite this pessimism in my head, I am optimistic about getting on with my life. Sana magtuloy tuloy na. For the past months I was haunted by emotional problems/immaturity. That greatly affected my being, leaving me pained and broken.

Now that I am moving on, I have learned that it is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactic fluid. In simple words, I should not have cried over spilled milk. Life is short and time is swift. Seize everyday. #

[thelifesoughtfor]

Stupidity Begets Regretting

One or two days ago, I went to Starbucks Luisita to have a cup of their signature hot chocolate. As I have already mentioned in my former entry, the place is my place of redemption-- a place of temporary escape from all my stress.  I slept in the bus and a few meters away from my destination, I instantly woke up. Since I was sleepy at that time, I regretted going to Tarlac and wished that I had just stayed home. 

Yet, all those thoughts vanished when I saw the guy who I always refer to as "yung chinitong barista." How can a person be that handsome? I am not sure if it is a fortunate or an unfortunate thing but at that time, he was at the counter. He asked for my order, offered some drinks, received my payment and gave me my change. 

He is really handsome. Did I already mention that?

Anyway, as I always do, I wrote something on my cup. Something that I should not have written. Here is the content:

PAANO LUMANDI WITH DIGNITY: (I've stolen this title)

1. Pumuntang SB Luisita kahit may SB Clark, SB SM at SB AUF naman. Kailangan mong makita 'yung chinitong barista.

2. Kapag naging cashier ang chinitong barista, act normal. Sabihin ang order mo nang hindi nauutal.

3. Pasimpleng tingnan ang nameplate niya only to get disappointed na PARTNERS IN TRAINING ang nakalagay. Act normal pa rin.

4. Maupo malapit sa sa salamin para kahit hindi tumitingin directly, nakikita mo ang reflection nya. 

5. Sulyap sulyap once in 5 minutes.

6. Isulat ang saloobin sa basong ito at huwag munang pumuntang SB Luisita ng 1, 2, 3, 4 na buwan. Better yet, habang buhay. 

So there. I wrote it on my cup and left it on the table outside. There are several things that might have happened after I left my cup:

1. The guard/barista got it and instantly threw it away.

2. The guard/barista got it, read it and realized I was referring to one of the staff there.

3. The next customer who sat on that table got it, read it and left it behind. Of course, they must have laughed at it and told themselves how malandi I was. 

4. The next customer who sat on that table got it, read it and gave it to the barista.

Anyway, the point is, I have to deprive myself from going to SB Luisita lest, I would be the talk of the staff.

I should have just kept my thoughts and feelings. I should just have sat there, quietly observing him. If I did that, I could still freely go to that place without the fear of being mocked at.

But if I did exactly those, I would have deprived myself of self-expression. I also would not have made people smile and most of all, I would not have made him feel how wonderful he is. # 

[thelifesoughtfor]

'Yung Chinitong Barista

Weeks before, I was down and depressed. It was then I decided to go to Tarlac so I could keep my mind off from my innumerable problems. I found Starbucks San Miguel and stayed there for couple of times, sipping my coffee, waiting for the time to pass by.

I found serenity and calmness in that place. It is away from the city I live in and most of all, it is far away from the source of my depression. 

Well, I was not really depressed. You might think I am sort of a psycho. May I just say that I was emotionally down. 

Anyway, in one of my stay there, there was a guy who got my attention. Yes, he is good-looking, not to mention, he is chinito. He stands 5 feet, 8 inches and has a relatively good body frame. Yet, those are not the reasons why I have found him interesting. 

He has a very calm facial expression. Whenever I look at him, in a bit, I feel relieved. His smile, it's genuine-- something I haven't had for quite a long time. He seems to be contented with the life he is living, needless to say, happy. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that I got attracted to this guy because he has the serenity and the peace that I have long been searching for.

Chinito, the next time I go to Starbucks, would you mind serving me with my next coffee? #