Mia Koehl @thelinesonyourskin - Tumblr Blog

i felt everything at once. everything that i had been hiding, running from. all the monsters that i had built a wall high up for. not stick, nor stone. but diabase rock. all of a sudden, my walls crashed. and i breathed out slow. i breathed out everything. and i knew, deep down in my soul that time had ran out. the memories flooded my sick brain of every emotion i had suffocated with piles of dirt and rock over the years, the emotions i burned to ash, the emotions i stabbed until there was nothing left but the cold, numbing blood. everything was so empty. everything. everything was so quiet. everything. silence. so i silence myself now. how wicked it is to birth a child into a world of sickness. some angels just want to go home. fuck lol.

most of my white shirts are stained with wine, because when i drink; i drink so violently as if it is air into my begging lungs. the bruises appearing on my once olive, now faded honey skin are only multiplying from the lack of food inside my body. my stomach is weeping and screaming at me, my brain will not and never allow food inside. my nails which i paint over and over and peel off continuously shows the control i so desperately crave yet cannot have. the dark circles under my eyes are no longer “i didn’t go to bed until 3 am,” no. they’re, “i haven’t been sleeping at all the past month,” and quite honestly, the people around me notice, and their eyes.. are widened with concern but I, well I could care less. but not only is my body slowly dying, my liver, my heart, my lungs, my brain. my soul is dying and mom, but mom why can’t you see me ? but no, that’s for another time. people ask me all around, “are you excited to turn 19!” and i smile, but if you watch me my smile does not meet my eyes, can’t you see the signs ? i cannot actively and verbally ask for help, no. but please, god. i’m begging for help, i am begging. but my silence will be the death of me

i silenced everything around me, like one does with putting a seashell over their ear. the world slowly lost its brilliance. until i could hear my own blood flowing through my veins, until the sizzling of eggs in a pan felt loud enough to wake a city, until the grass blowing with the wind sounded like thunder, and finally i silenced myself.

and time was just a stall,

because she knew that any day she could make the choice of letting out her last breath,

she knew soon enough her tired soul wouldn’t support the bones in her body nor the muscle that supported her lifeless corpse.

she knew she couldn’t fill her heart with people, with drugs, with forgiving or forgetting because it was still there.

the sickness in her brain was still there, ever since she was birthed her mind had the smallest of whispers poisoning herself. it had only multiplied and now her mind was empty and her heart was empty, eaten away by the little monsters that lived in her head.

many of you have been kept safe from the wolves your whole life, you don’t know how it feels to be running on empty lungs. most of you have been running in a sweet field of lilacs with your little herd. safe. okay, sometimes a storm occurs and you get a little scared or lost. maybe a herd member dies, okay. but most of you don’t know how it feels to be running through the frozen ground with the bottoms of your paws getting raw with blood all around, letting any enemy know your appearance. your mother wolf snarls at you, telling you to toughen up, to become stronger. you do. you hunt and sink your fangs into the sweet flesh of the begging victim, you snarl your nose at any one who dares trespass into your territory, you sleep beneath a pine tree with bitter snow and wind around you. you run and you run and you run. giving up seems sweet and easy, but something instilled into you at birth, before you could even walk you were taught what strength was. and you accepted it. people around you will not understand this because again, their whole life they have kept safe in a herd, following the same rules, having their mother and father protect them and give them all the love. but you are a lone wolf, you have been all your life. people will envy your strength and try to rip you down, little do they know we are not the same. we never will be.

you cannot love with expectations. for that is not love. you can not love for the person. you wish they would become but for the person they already are. you cannot love someone when you only wish to control them, neither of these things are love. you cannot become angry with someone who tries their best, just because it isn’t to your expectations doesn’t mean they aren’t trying, this is not love. do not want to so desperately be in love that you don’t understand you are poisoning them.

she just wanted silence. not because she hated anyone or people in general necessarily. but because her mind was a raging storm between wanting to give up on this world and wanting to fight. all she craved was a ocean around her, with the scent of life without all its pollutants from expectations, people, and the smoke that filled her lungs with poison. and all she wanted was the gentle kiss from the ocean air and the gentle hug of the breeze to remind her that it’s okay. but she didn’t have that.

she fell in love with strangers like one would with a book at first glance. she fell in love with the old man down the street, every morning he would take his prayer rug out onto the patio and pray. she fell in love with the woman who wished her a good morning, coffee in hand and in her pink robe, every day before she left for work. she fell in love with the girl she passed, who was drinking coffee and scribbling in the loved and work journal. she fell in love with the boy who picked her a flower and blushed as he gifted it to her, running away behind the playground. she fell in love with herself, the way she saw beauty in every soul.

and everything was beautiful about you. the way you drink your coffee— steaming hot, in less than a minute. the way you dance when you’re happy, spinning with your hair dancing in tune. the way you eat pickles right from the jar, and the way you put peanut butter on both sides of the bread. the way your big brown eyes light up and your jaw sets firm when you are angry. the way you close down and shut the world out, reading a book or two with a bag of salt and vinegar chips by your side. how you see beauty and good in every soul. how you never give up on finding out the truth of something or someone. how you bite your lip when you are nervous, chewing on the right side. small bruises remain. the way you chew at your nails and the way you furrow in your eyebrows when you are worried. everything about you is beautiful.

and sometimes it all comes at once. the bitterness. the anger. the wrath. the hurt. and all those emotions intertwine with each other. until it is a dark and a suffocating monster fills up your lungs, your blood, with pure destruction and hate. they wonder why when you speak, you speak cautiously before the storm is taunted. and you hold back as much as you can, until blood and your own self poison are dripping from your eye sockets and nose. dripping onto the ground beneath you, decaying any ounce of light.

It was a quiet humming sound that I will never be able to understand when you were first in front of me. The noise of the air conditioning and the aurora that was gently coming off of you and onto me made my skin break out in small goosebumps. Then after time the humming became more intense, so intense that all at once i felt as if I have loved you fiercely in another life time.

i’ve stopped putting peanut butter on both sides of the bread because you’re right, it’s gross. every time i eat dollar ramen i can’t help but think of you, and how we would argue about when the seasoning goes in first. every time it thunders i can’t help but think of the time i took off in the pouring rain and you followed me telling me everything was going to be okay, to just come inside and let you hold me. i did come inside which then you made me a warm bath and tea. every time i wake up in the morning i stop by the bagel shop to pick out the freshest batch of cinnamon bagels because they were your favorite, despite how much i hated cinnamon.

her anger was buried deep within, buried into her veins and only came out when her flesh was cut. they wondered why she would get so silent when the blood started to pour. why she became so still. they didn’t know. her blood was a poison that only spreaded onto anything it touched.

and with her last breath she finally understood. she finally understood that the fire has been burning so long within that the only remains are the cold ashes. she finally understood that everything leaves like how the leaves fall from the trees and wither into the ground. how the snow melts and the candles die out into nothing but a distant smell. she finally let go.

slowly poison leaked from her heart. the poison others had put into her long ago. it came out slowly at first, then all at once. with every word she spoke, it was bitter and stung like a wasp.

slowly it all began to fade. like sand in the wind, scattered throughout her mind. the small, delicate, yet deadly grains of rock scrapped her from the inside and out. every time she breathed, it felt as if her lungs were slowly giving out. and every time she breathed out, the pain disappeared.

i think of you late at night and i make my fingers dance from my breast all the way down between my thighs.

- mia koehl

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