The Litterings of AR

Give me a place to stand and I will move the earth.

[thelitteringsof-ar]

Almost a doctor.

Hello old friend. 

I am one month away from walking down a stage in a black cap & gown to receive a diploma for my doctorate. The first in my family on either side with the title of “doctor”. It feels surreal. If I could make a wish, I wish my grandparents were here to see it. History in the making.   

I think for once I will be okay with taking it all in and feeling all the emotions. This is the one thing I did for me, and only me. We were given the option to choose a family member or friend to present our hood at graduation and I struggled with that choice for a bit. I didn’t want either parent to feel left out if I picked one. Although my family and bf supported me through this time, I wouldn’t say they got me through it. In the end, I decided to have one of my professor’s present my hood because I genuinely feel that I pulled myself through it. My classmates and I definitely helped each other but we can’t hood each other haha. I guess I just wanted this moment to be about me and not worry about how anyone else felt about it. 

I feel my age. Tired but still vivacious. 

[thelitteringsof-ar]

Hello old friend.

I woke up at 3am, it is now almost 6am. What started as an attempt to become tired via watching TikToks turned into me laying in the dark and allowing my thoughts to spiral. They land on the fact that my parents' relationship has gone to shit and I came to the realization that I, as a 27-year-old adult, miss my parents. I realized the other day that it has been difficult for me to have a relationship with either of them because we are all walking on eggshells.

I feel like a child crying in my bed about mom and dad fighting. My Christmas break from school wasn't what I wanted it to be because of COVID and because my parents hold resentment toward each other. What a first-world problem to have.

I hate that I have been hurt by this without even asking. Being invalidated and told that I'm lacking understanding of this situation because "I am not a wife so I couldn't fathom this situation." I never asked to be the family therapist but everyone comes to me to vent for some reason.

What's also shitty is that I have a solution to all this, but it's not my job to fix it.

I can't say for certain that the work in grad school has changed me as a person. It's challenging, but it hasn't changed me. It's always this kind of stuffj that changes me.

[thelitteringsof-ar]

COVID-19

We are all being affected by this pandemic. Businesses are temporarily closed, schools have gone remote, concerts/large gatherings have been cancelled, people are frantically buying supplies... and the healthcare workers tread on. I’m in awe and feeling nervous at the same time. I wonder what this means for PT school in May? I wonder if I will even have work this week at the PT office? Time will tell. Stay safe everyone.

[thelitteringsof-ar]

When I grow up...

... I’m going to create a budget for pole dance lol. Been at it for about 5 months and I’m really proud of my progress. Recently have been able to get my outside leg hang comfortably from the floor. I’m getting a little better at stringing moves together without thinking too hard. I really think I’d like to compete some day! That is all. 

[thelitteringsof-ar]

Hello all, 

I did it. I got into PT school! Proof that if you work hard, take the necessary steps, and are sincere in your pursuit... well, you might just end up where you wanna be. 

Best, 

Alex 

[thelitteringsof-ar]

A reminder for myself and whoever else needs it.

Respect is an act of trust. Respect is acknowledging a person even if you disagree with how they think. Respect is holding yourself accountable for your actions. Respect is a choice. Respecting someone is a choice. Respecting yourself is a choice. It is not your responsibility to teach someone how to respect you when you’ve already done so once, and especially if you’ve done so more than once. It simply means they don’t respect you if they choose to act in a way that crosses your boundaries and values. So I say again that respecting yourself is a choice. You can choose to respect yourself in that moment or choose to let the other person determine what that means to you through your dismissal.

[thelitteringsof-ar]

thoughts on “closure”

The way I like to organize my life is chronologically and sequentially. This is the way I think and this is how I’m able to explain events, sentiments, etc., or at least make sense of the things that occur and for what reasons. 

I am having a hard time with closure because closure doesn’t happen right away. It’s not like event A happens, then it’s processed, then it’s closed. No. It’s more like, event A happens, I try to process it, it goes away, event B happens, old feelings pop up, they go away, they pop up again... you get the jist. 

So my thought on closure is that maybe sometimes we don’t get closure for every situation that happens in life in the time that we want it. Sometimes we don’t get it at all. The more often life shows me that it is grey and not simply black and white, the more I must re-frame my understanding of it all. I sometimes wish life was as simple as some make it to be, but it’s not.  

[thelitteringsof-ar]

The semester has started and all sorts of insecurities have popped up. Feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence, anxiety, stress... I can’t say I know where all of it is stemming from. I’m trying to turn in my PTCAS applications by the end of September. Other than that... I’m just kinda doing life. 

Not a whole lot of updates. I’m still me. A little different version from a few months ago but still me. Hope y’all are alive and well.  

[90377]

[thelitteringsof-ar]

Today I took the GRE and got the scores I needed. Waiting to see what my analytical writing scores were but I get the feeling I will be fine.

I didn’t get the scores I wanted but my scores are a reflection of the work I did/didn’t put in. Given the circumstances surrounding the preceding weeks to the test date... I think this is the best I could have done. I was really struggling a lot with my work and home life on top of trying to start school applications. And I got so caught up thinking that this stupid test would determine whether I get into my grad program (which is super competitive) that I almost avoided studying it when possible. Which ultimately hurt me in the end. I didn’t really go into the exam feeling super prepared. But at least I went in with a positive mindset. “Prepare for victory, learn from defeat.”

My main takeaway from this experience is that I place too much pressure on myself for a lot of things in my life. And it starts off as a positive push but at some point becomes a negative aspect. I need to work on that. Sometimes “satisfactory” is good enough. Sometimes I need to let go. Shit like that.

[thelitteringsof-ar]

[thelitteringsof-ar]

I am being challenged to grow during this time. Life is in transition and I feel stuck in between the past and the future. I guess that puts me in the present. I don’t know if I’m ready for the ride but I have no choice. That is all. I hope you’ve all been well. More elaboration another time.

[thelitteringsof-ar]

I hate how one minute I’m beaming with energy and productiveness and a few hours later I’m unmotivated and melancholy. The fuck is going on with me. I need to get shit done and I’m blocked by stupid, lingering feelings. I hate it.

[thelitteringsof-ar]

Je vois la vie en rose.

[thelitteringsof-ar]

I wish I knew what it is like to feel desired. I wish there was someone out there burning with passion for me. I wish someone wanted me so bad they don’t know what to do with themselves.

[thelitteringsof-ar]

Filling voids

I give you words

You give me a look

Your hand caresses my face

That’s all it took

You elated me in that moment

Reeled me in on your hook

To drown me in your void

And make me feel like a crook

Because my heart was not in it

I could read you like a book

I was never your solution

Just a person forsook

[thelitteringsof-ar]

Lessons

I did not anticipate that the death of my dog would impact me in ways that would cause me to question my life, what I am, what is love... We take these animals into our lives and think, “Such a cute puppy! He’ll be my best friend and I’ll take him on walks everywhere, give him a good life!” We think about what they will bring us superficially. But they teach us things that we sometimes don’t even learn through human connection.

They teach us true companionship. Companionship that is the relief when you come home to them. Companionship that is the silence of sitting together. Companionship that is the look of “I know what you’re thinking” as they come over to comfort you. 

They remind us of our innocence and simplicity. It is in the way they greet us when we walk through the door, and the way they call for us when we leave for hours. It is the way they enjoy sticking their head out of the car window with their tongue out of their mouth. It is in the way they can do the same thing day in and day out, and never be tired of it. 

The hardest and most valuable lesson I’ve learned from my dog is unconditional love. How badly I wanted him to live one more day, for his fur to be golden and brilliant again, for his quick steps to keep up with my stride. But that’s selfish. Unconditional love is making the choice to do what’s best despite how shitty you feel about it or how much it will hurt and for God knows how long. Unconditional love acknowledges when it’s time to fight and when it’s time to give in. Unconditional love is being there when they take their last breath because that’s the best thing you can give them, ever.