one bajillion words of how highschool friendships are when youre a weird as fuck furry who dresses like shit in a school with only 60 kids per grade (specific to me tho)
its crazy bc i created this account in idk around 10th grade when my life was falling apart bc 2 of my closest friends moved away and past me literally just knew from the beginning what was going on back then. like I knew that that was it for me. i looked around my small asf school and i cried & begged them not to go. bc where was there room for me? and i tried really hard to fit in somewhere else. but i knew this was what my future was.
and dont say I didnt try, bc there were 4 of us so I always stayed with my one friend left. meanwhile we started sitting with another friend group. and for ~2 years we did this. so, how can you be friends with someone for in his case, 4 years, and in their case 2 years, and not consider them a close friend ^_^? I ask myself this question daily, especially yesterday on the last day of school(ever) my friend of 4 years, he got bored of me pretty fast. he found another group of people, people who dress cool (alt) and are interesting and new. who wants to hang out with some loser who they’ve known since 8th grade with these guys around? and the alt people like him, they invite him to everything and give him gifts on the holidays and invites him to play games during lunch (im sitting right next to him but they dont talk or look at me ^_^) and well he figures Ive got my friends of 2 years so why exactly does he have to include me in anything? its not like our old friends are here, why bother? and look at all these people who love him, cool people! love him! and all he has to do is get rid of me! nice! I mean I shouldnt be offended that he ditched me for the entire last day of school, made plans to go out to dinner with school friends and didnt invite me, and didnt leave any room at his table so we could sit together at prom, right? its not like i have NO ONE ELSE :D!
bc why should I care about someone i’ve known since 8th grade? I have my friends of 2 years who I mentioned before, surely they do all that stuff for me! but, theyve known eachother since 8th grade too, and I expect to show up and 10th and get a seat at the table? obviously friends who have been together for that long want to stick together:D! so thats why two years later ive never been invited to go anywhere with them after school. I mean they talk about birthdays, grad parties, christmas parties, trips they planned together -all that im not invited ofc- to in front of me. plus they talk about their group chat, their times playing roblox together, their sleepovers- sometimes they just leave to go off together when im eating lunch with them. I mean its not their fault, they just figure, why would I care when I have my friend of 4 years who by their logic I should like more? (who often sits with us too, but turned around so that he can talk to his real friends(the tables are very close to eachother)) I mean they literally left during lunch once to go to a christmas gift exchange with each other which they discussed infront of me ^_^ yesss tell me more about how you all got each other presents and are so excited just like how you planned at the sleep over and in your group chat. im not hurt at all that you didnt think of me once even tho we sit together every day and i always help with the math homework and were always partners in class. oh whats that? you want me to take your photo ^_^? sure!! especially on the last day of school, they took so many photos of themselves! jeeeze i should become a photographer! i mean theyve been so close for so long its only natural, and ofc theyll meet up after graduation while my other friends blow me off to see people who dress better than me.
yea when everyone in the grade was standing in the lobby yesterday celebrating the last day of school and hugging etc, it didnt hurt my feelings at all that noone came up to me, even though i was standing next to all my friends. my friends of 2 years ofc hugged each other, while my other friend left ^_^ just immediately left to see his other friends. and I just stood there all by myself. and I knew it would happen. i practically saw the scene play out in my head in 10th grade when both my friends told me they were leaving the school. its not a big school (60 kids in my grade) and its a joined middle-high. there wasnt any room for me anymore or anymore time to find people who actually are close to me.
especially as a queer & weird person, my friend group who ive known for 2 years is all straight and respect my pronouns but have indicated they are not that kind of friend group, which I think is why they dont fully accept me. as for my other friend, yes I tried to meet his alt friend group. on various occasions i talk to them, they let me join them in their game 2-3 times. on a class specific muesam trip i talked to them the whole time (my friend of 4 years wasnt there bc he wasnt in that class) and i came up to them while my friend was avoiding me hanging out with them yesterday on the last day of school. they certainly tolerate me. but its the same situation and not only that but its all me inviting myself. they wont talk to me by myself, they only invite my friend to come with them even if im sitting right there, one time a person brought little trinkets in for everyone in that friend group. its not a suprise in the slightest i didnt get one. it just hurts bc it would be nice for someone to think of me like that. once i stayed up until 1 in the morning on a school night bc I was making a mushroom cow (from minecraft) out of beads for his birthday the next day. im not even saying he has to reciprocate. i just wish he considered me a close friend. i was sobbing when i wrote this but now in this last paragraph i feel kinda pissed. it just sucks to be alone and it sucks i lost the only friend group that ever cared about me in 10th grade and it sucks that i feel loyal to/love all these people bc they obviously dont love me(ok now im crying again) i love my straight friends even though they wont invite me to anything or remember my birthday or come to my grad party and i love my other friend who thinks im not cool enough to talk to anymore and doesn’t invite me out to eat or sit with me at prom and i love my two friends who moved away who still text me but never have time to come over and i wish i knew those alt kids better even if they wont look at me when theyre talking to my friend.
and i just don’t know what im doing wrong and if i abandoned one group to focus on trying to get the other to accept me i know theyll both leave me behind bc no matter how much time i stand there waiting for them to get done with their test so we can go to lunch together theyll never do they same for me but maybe it doesnt matter bc were all going to college now so for what reason do they have to even remember that i exist, no matte that im still thinking about them wishing that we had the kind of relationship that they would still call me after we graduate. but they dont. and they wont. and dont tell me shit about making friends in college bc im not kidding when i say i love the friends i have now. i can cry bc irs one sided :) but it doesnt stop the feeling. i dont hate them i just wish they saw me as a person with feelings who they could get close to ^_^ too much to ask for a fucking loser mutt like me tho
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