The Lost Thoughts

there will be no hate, there will be no disrespect. This is a safe space, all is welcome and no one will be turned away. My pronouns are he/him/his and it’s all LGBTQ+ friendly

[thelostthoughtsofthebroken]

Toxic women do destroy good men

Despite what people believe, toxic women do destroy good men. I dated this girl. Got really serious with this girl. Let’s call her V. We met when I was 17. Spent 6 consecutive years together. But once year 6 hit it got really on again off again. She was my first love. She was the person who made me realize what crazy in love really meant and just how unhealthy crazy in love really is. Don’t get me wrong, the first 2 maybe 3 years were magical. Still hard because we were young and trying to figure out life. But we made it work. When we got to years 3-5 I could tell she was putting distance between us. But not major distance just subtle things that I would notice that she was doing that she didn’t notice she was doing. Things like buying a privacy screen protector so you can’t see the screen from the side. Things like that.

I know my time line is off some but it’s generally right. Coming round to the end of year 5 is when my depression really sat in. No physical contact. It was the absolute minimum. It was just enough for me to question my relationship But then she would do just enough to stay relevant when I would muster up the courage to try and leave. But then the day came when I came home from work because I forget my wallet, me needing my wallet because I drive a commercial vehicle made me discover she was cheating cuz she was caught. And it broke me. But I feel for her Bs speech about how she loves me and she messed up and she didn’t mean it and blah blah blah. And I fell for it. Ended up staying longer. But at some point in year 6 she left. Honestly I don’t even remember why. But she did. Had about a year and a half gap, in that time I explored a little, got into another situationship, but that’s a story for another day. Time went on with that just for it to come to a rocky end. At the end V made contact with me. she reached out and we reconnected.

We moved back in together, got a nice house down in a good part of the city in a sun division and it was a lot closer to my job at the time. We spent 2 years there together. But it was more like 2 roommates who are fucking but going 1/2 on rent too. I realize now that it was always just me in the relationship but in her world I didn’t exist. Yo her parents she was just staying with a friend. We weren’t Facebook official. Hell her friends didn’t even know I lived in the house I was paying for. But again, at the time I didn’t know that. I noticed things but because I was so broken and hurting a so alone all the time, she did just enough to be relaxant and for me to kinda feel like I wasn’t alone. Our history gave me comfort to think it was going to last and I kept banking on our good history. Those first 3 years. I kept holding onto the person I fell in love with not the person that was in front of me. She cheated on me multiple times after that reconnect in those final 2 years.

In the last 6 months of those 2 years we decided to sleep in separate rooms because it was for the best and we were officially broken up. But even being over, seeing her being dude after dude over right in front of my face just felt like a betrayal. We weren’t together but I paid everything. Bills, rent, food, her gas, her car payment. She didn’t contribute financially even tho she was working. It was really hard on me. My mental health was fucked. And what really fucked me up the most is she could tell on those days when I was having really bad days. Just sitting in the couch in the living room just in the dark, tv on but I’m not watching it. Just lost in my thoughts and she could tell that I was just having a bad mental day. I’ll never forget what she would do, mainly because it’s so fucked up now that I openly talk about it.

I remember it clear as day. I had a long day at work, pulled a 14 hour day. Ended up taking the tow truck home because I didn’t have a personal vehicle. Yeah the mofo paying for literally everything didn’t have a car of his own. That’s besides the point. But I got home late it was 10:45. I remember it because when I walked in the kitchen it was dirty as hell and I checked to see if there was any dinner left for me, which there wasn’t and I remember saying to myself “I guess I just come home and work since I gotta make my own food at 10:45 at night” and then started slamming shit out of frustration and hungry. I went and sat in the couch and just sat there in the dark. And she just kept asking me “are you okay?” I started to tear up and just said it doesn’t matter. Because I’m reality it really didn’t. We weren’t together and she clearly didn’t want to be. I went to my room and just crawled in bed. I just wanted to go to sleep at that point. Bout 20 min went by and then I heard the shower kick on. I could smell her body wash that was my favorite that she quit using. I could smell it cuz she left the bathroom door open. Heard her get out the shower and dry off but not blow dry her hair. She knows that the wet hair look is one I really enjoy so she didn’t dry it completely. My bedroom door was cracked because my pet dog at the time would always sleep with me so I leave the door cracked in case she would want to roam or leave. When V walked out the bathroom I saw her stop to see if I was asleep. She assumed I was because I didn’t move or say anything. Then out of nowhere I can smell her perfume that she knew I loved. My weakness is when you smell good, like if you smell good then I’m like 1/2 way there if you know what I mean. So at this point she’s washed in my favorite scent of body wash, now wearing my favorite scented perfume, she comes into my room in just one of my work shirts. Doesn’t say anything at all but she crawls in bed with me. She does that thing that all females do when there the little spoon and push there ass up against the dick area which then just is the perfect storm for some action. I asked her what she was doing and she told me word for word, I’ll never forget it, “ I know you had a long day and I know it’s been hard for you lately. I know you are still in love with me and I know you really do love me dearly and that’s always been my favorite thing bout us” and me stupidly on heard the word “us” so I questioned it. “What do you mean us” and she tells me “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, I really miss us and if you’re up to it maybe we could just have some fun tonight and see where things go” I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea but she cut me off and just kissed me. At that point I could resist at all because it was the perfect storm, she was telling me what I wanted to hear, she smelled absolutely amazing, and she’s in my work shirt. Her physical touch was something I wanted so bad for so long and I just melted. So we got in some action. Hang boom surprise. Woke up the next morning to her still there. Got up for work and she kissed me good bye. Everything was perfect. I was finally at peace and happy. She asked for some gas money to go hang with some friends that evening since I was working late on a long tow. So I gave it to her. She went to cincy with her friends. I came home to a empty hose so I just crashed. I was so happy and on cloud 9. She was sending me lovey text. It was great. I fell asleep waiting for her to come home.

Now remember everything is perfect. I’m happy. I’m excited to have the girl I fell in love with back. I’m my mind at the time, I’m in high hopes. Butterflies in my stomach, basically falling in love all over again. About 2am comes rolling around and my dog jumps up out of my bed and she’s in defense mode. Usually when V gets home she comes in the front door. But the ack door opens so my dog starts freaking out and barking and playing defense. So naturally if it was V, my dog wouldn’t be on defense. So naturally I think someone just broke in my house, grab my pistol and then I go in the defense. My dog keeps barking at V’s bedroom door. Kitchen, living room, dining room are all clear so that’s where they gotta be right? I open the door with gun drawn and ready to fire and this weird ass corny ass wanna be skater goth dude is standing there and then V comes storming in and she’s like “he’s with me! He’s with me!” So I asked what the hell is he doing here!! And that’s when he spoke and he just said the wrong thing because that breaking point, it was then and there. He said, “ I’m here cuz my girlfriend lives here. Who the fuck are you?” And the only thing I could do was say “what do you mean your girlfriend” and he said “her dumb ass I’m moving cuz we’re In love” and that’s when I learned that crazy in love is a real thing and how unhealthy it is because I snapped. I put my gun down, and then beat the shit out of him with my bare hands. Not my proudest moment but I broke. Pure anger and rage because not even 24 hours prior V was giving me high hopes and happiness. Just to find out it’s all a lie and she used me. I snapped. I stopped and got off him and they both left. I went into my room and cried. And I mean bawled my eyes out. I ugly cried. And just kept asking god why. Kept replaying the night before over and over and just kept crying. It hurt so bad and that pain wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t get the pain to stop. That’s all I wanted was for the pain to stop. Then thought thought crossed my mind, I wrote out my goodbye letter, and then pointed it under my chin and pulled it with no hesitation. But all you hear is a click. It misfired. I even pulled the slide back to make sure it was loaded and it was and it misfired. I dropped it and just cried even more.

About 30 min goes by and the cops show up to my house. I’m sitting in cuffs in my underwear on my own couch. Full on embarrassing. Long story short, they took my side, said I didn’t do anything wrong, confiscated myself firearm, and told me “imma keep it real with you, you’re a young black man with a fire arm in a white neighborhood and you got violent with 2 white people, you and I both know she was in the wrong but he has the option to press charges because he was invited by V here. They have 24 hours to decide”

V comes back to the house to grab some clothing and looks me dead in the face and tells me “either your fine by time I get back tomorrow or your ass is going to jail, I’m sick of your shit” all I could say is “okay” I didn’t question it or anything. At that point, I just turned to ice. My “I don’t give a fuck” switch just flipped on and just like that I got my shit out and vanished. I made myself disappear from her life. It took me months to get over here. So many bad days. So many days where I reply that stretch of 48 hours in my head over and over even to this day it still happens. I have so many relationship issues in my marriage because of V. The wife doesn’t deserve that but it’s there. And it’s because of V.

I know, you’re sitting here wondering and thinking, what’s the point of this? Well yesterday V reached out again, and simply said “I’ve really been thinking about you a lot lately and I miss you” and all I could do was think about the perfect storm from that night that gave me happiness and exactly what I wanted. But then I remember what happen after. Toxic women destroy good men. I ignored it, didn’t even entertain it. Blocked it actually. I will never let her have that power over me again. Despite how fucking hard it is to follow thru because there will always be that part of me that is “what if this time she means it” I gave that chick a total of 9 years of my life. That’s a long as time. But, I’m happily married now and I can’t put myself thru a crazy in love situation ever again. I’m happily and healthy in a great marriage because I choose my wife. No matter how much the temptation is there. Look at it like this “The truth is slow 'cause someone's always in a rush to hide it

The lies is golden 'cause the devil got a touch of Midas” the truth is she can’t have me anymore and I won’t let her, and the lies are played in gold trying to tempt me. I will not let a toxic woman break me again.

[thelostthoughtsofthebroken]

Do you know what the worst part of a toxic relationship is?

Toxic relationships have many down falls. We all at one point have stayed in one because at first that was the person we fell in love with. That toxic person was not who we originally met. What made her/him toxic? Nobody ever really knows but in the end we always blame ourselves.

Toxic relationship teach you how to manipulate your partner so that you can avoid the toxicity. Being with a toxic person teaches you how to master compartmentalization. Being with someone toxic you tend to stay broke as well. Toxic relationships teach you so many bad habits and it really takes a toll on your mental health. Doesn’t matter if it’s male or female.

From my POV as a male dating a toxic woman, I definitely learned what to say and how to say it. I definitely learned how to manipulate her just so we could have a good day. We never touched or had sex for the back half of our relationship. Trust me I tried. Not often because the rejection would fuck me up more than the toxicity would. Of course no means no, and I’m cool with that. But instead of just saying no, it was always, “no, don’t even try it or I’ll call the cops and all they will see is a white woman calling on a black guy and see sexual assault” yes it was really that bad and I stayed a lot longer than what I should have.

There was always a financial hardship/burden. She expected me to be the bread winner and provider while she stayed home and did nothing but run my bills up and find reason for me to not have money while she enjoyed the fruits of my labor. If I had a small paycheck then my relationship was in jeopardy. If I had no money then she would make my life hell.

There’s so many things I could go on and on about that are examples of the toxic parts of my ex. But what people fail to realize is, the worst part about a toxic relationship… it’s the healthy relationship after it.

Why? Think about it. Your brain and body is so used to all the time spent with that one toxic person that you’ve become stuck in limbo. The beginning of a healthy relationship after a toxic one so hard the first few months if not he first year. You have to force yourself to be normal. You have to try to not manipulate. You can’t compartmentalize anymore and you have to be open and honest with your partner about hoe you feel. Then there’s the fear of being open and honest and it being used against you in this new relationship.

I’m a year into my marriage and 2&1/2 total for the actual relationship, to this day I still don’t “put the moves on her.” She starts it every time. And it’s a habit that I can’t break because of the fear. Yeah she understands but it’s not fair to her. No matter what she deserves better. I love her to death for staying.

Being in a healthy relationship after leaving a toxic one, it’s really hard to not walk away over the slightest inconvenience. In your mind you think “oh this fight is over dumb shit, he/she is bout to start being toxic over (insert miscellaneous harmless example). I should probably just leave now before it gets worse” when I’m all actuality, she was just voice her/his opinion on something you did that she didn’t like.

I have a homie, he’s dope as hell. But even he is in a healthy relationship trying to recover from the previous toxic one. He flinched every time his girl would reach of something near him or if she’s stretching near him. I’ve seen it. And it’s not because he’s scared, his toxic one used to beat him. Yeah he is a dude who was physically abused by his ex. It happens. It was hard for him to leave because they had a kid together and he came from a broken hole so he tried his damndest to not have his son come from a broken home either.

The healthy relationship after a toxic one is the hardest part about being in a toxic relationship. There’s so many more examples I could give and go on about but I think you guys and gals understand what I’m talking about. Relationship PTSD is a real thing and it needs to be talked about more. You’d be surprised with how many men would come forward if they knew that could be emotionally secure instead of being made fun of or talked about for having valid feelings. Just some food for thought.

[thelostthoughtsofthebroken]

What’s the worst word in the dictionary?

Almost. Think about that word for a second and how much power it has. The word almost has so much power and so much control but at the same time it’s the worst. Let me put it to you like this, side note, creative writing was my thing in high school

“I was scrolling along and saw the post

It was on Facebook so you know it’s doing the most

But then I thought about it, looked real close

It explains why the worst work in the dictionary is almost

But I’m going to put my twist so you can understand it

I almost went through something I had a hand in

I was almost good enough to be your man then

I almost walked in the door to see you on top of him

I was almost the one to be your next kin

I almost laid her down to rest

I was almost good enough to be her best

See what I’m getting at, almost can be deadly

I almost killed myself effectively

I almost left my sister in this cold world alone

I almost gave my ex my last name but that shits dead and gone

I almost had my mother without her eldest son

I’ve almost made some mistakes and I’m talking big ones

I almost went to jail for being black in America

I almost died as a kid because of the bloods and crips in my area

So do you catch my drift of how almost is the worst?

I can’t tell you how many times I was almost in a hearse

So this is my lesson and yes it’s been rough

But nothing is worse than being almost good enough

So if you know what I mean it’s on a much deeper level

It’s like driving in the fast lane with out a brake pedal”

Yeah it could be better but I was almost finished and hit writers block. My point here is, being almost anything, it really takes a toll on the mental health. It really is one of those words that people don’t realize has so much power. Maybe it’s some food for thought. Maybe I just opened some eyes. Maybe the world may never know. These are just my thoughts.

[thelostthoughtsofthebroken]

Time mixed with trauma

It’s crazy what time can do to a person. I remember back in high school I used to be the most loving and caring free spirit ever. See the good in people on a regular basis, kept my head held high, and never really had my guard up. Nowadays I wait for complete strangers to screw me over. Nowadays you gotta better chance of me forgiving an enemy than you do a friend. At least with my enemy they make their intentions clear. My friends shouldn’t be trying to screw me over but for some reason they always have. Both friends and my partners. It hasn’t happen recently with my set of friends and my wife but there always that alarm in the back of my head that is constantly going off to make sure I keep myself in check when something seems suspicious to me but in reality it’s just me overreacting.

It’s a lot harder to keep past trauma separate from the present. Patterns and habits speak volumes to me. So when I see someone new doing what someone old used to do I go into this defense mode and shut my self off. I get short with people and I try to push them away. In my mind, you can’t hurt me if I just hurt myself first. But in the end it’s just me playing myself.

I miss who I used to be sometimes honestly. I don’t trust people. It doesn’t bother me that I work and go home and do nothing else. But it bothers me that I always think someone is out to get me. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I find myself crying at times because Scenarios pop up in my head when someone says certain things or will do certain things so my brain just automatically assumes the worse. I wish I could give an example but every time it happens I try to just forget about it. Time will change people so drastically.

[thelostthoughtsofthebroken]

It’s just one of those days

You even just have those days when you just feel, blah? Like today, woke up, and just felt really anti social. As the day goes on my phone rings and pretty much everyone gets voicemail. Talking just doesn’t seem like something I want to do. Being social is just something I don’t really want to do. It’s not anyones fault. Nobody did anything to me either. It’s just one of those days.

Sometimes being male and having depression and anxiety, it’s a huge burden to carry. Meting a man the social standard means we don’t have feelings. If we talk about our feelings then we’re a bitch. “Man up and move on” we as men don’t really have an outlet and today that is really hitting me. I love my wife to death, but she already has enough to worry about. I got homies that I can vent to but nobody really understands. Being at work, well I don’t want to be at all right now. I really just want to crawl back in bed and sleep the day away. I know it’s the depression talking but man. Constantly having to wake up every day and out on this mask that shows a happy go lucky person is not easy. Don’t get me wrong, some days I actually am that happy go lucky person but then some days I just wanna take a bath with my toaster😂. I won’t but sometimes it’s there. Having to constantly be the rock for everyone else, being strong for everyone else, giving guidance for everyone else, it’s tough. It’s hard. I don’t mind being everyone’s go to person but when do I get a person? You know? I got homies and a best friend but they got they own things going on. It’s my problem right? So I should deal with it on my own right? I know that’s not right but we as men are pretty much programmed to be like that.

I’m very open and aware of my mental health issues and my mental state, but 9/10, nobody understand it or even wants to discuss it because it’s unheard of for me to have these feelings and be aware of them. Every woman is so quick to preach about equality and everything else, which I’m with it, I’m down for that. But don’t preach equality and then treat men like shit because they have their bad days. When a man opens up to you, a woman, hell or even another man, don’t use that information against them. That’s why men don’t talk. That’s why men struggle with their own thoughts. Men commit suicide so much more than women because of that alone. As a male our feelings matter, we want to be heard too, we want to be comforted and hear the validation because we have bad days too. We have bad days too

[thelostthoughtsofthebroken]

I have these thoughts sometimes

Sometimes I get reminded as to why I take family so seriously. Coming from a broken home and from a broken family it really puts a different outlook on the future. I got friends that are more family than my own blood. I have blood that more an enemy that what people would realize. Coming from a mixed family makes it even more interesting.

On my dads side of the family, very white and very country. My dad was an absent father after a nasty divorce with my mom when i was around 8. His mother/my grandmother is married to A Known KKK leader in southern Ohio. His dad/My grandfather was a respect war vet but he passed when i was still young. I’ll never forget him either because he was the only person that even remotely treated me like family and loved me. He actually got me hooked on nascar and made me a huge #3 Dale Sr fan. Both of his brothers/my uncles disown me because I’m mixed with African American. I don’t exist on my dads side of the family and since a kid it has really fucked me up. It really makes me question a lot of things that Caucasian-Americans do and their motives.

My moms side of the family is black, and it’s all different decedents of black, but even on my moms side of the family there is still a lot of problems. My own mother kicked me out the house as a child over fried chicken. No that’s not a joke I’m dead serious. And my mother doing that to me as a child really created some emotional trauma that affects my life currently. But that’s a story for a different day. My grandfather on my moms side took me in and raised me. Gramps was my father and once my grandmother passed, he was also my mother when it was needed. Once gramps passed that’s when the rest of the family showed their ass and true colors. Just to give you a small taste of my mother, after the passing of gramps, she moved into my grandfathers house where I was currently living, and she kicked me out again. Back to back disrespect like I was getting dunked on by MJ in 88’. So family in a very questionable thing to me on both aspects of the color wheel.

I have this coworker. He’s 306 (for privacy protection I won’t use real Names) wonderful Guy. Love him to death, he’s also one of the fellow black employees and on a daily basis I have to watch him go thru the same Trials and tribulations I went thru when I first started. We built our bond on that and I’ve known the guy for a year, I love that man to death and he is my brother. Why do I bring this up? I have brothers by blood, but 90% of the time I don’t exist in their worlds until they need something. Honestly sometimes that really breaks me too. It really takes a toll on me. I also have a few coworkers, and for context, yes they’re white, very white. Southern Ohio and northern KY white. 232 and 225, those are my brothers. One is ready to hide the body and the other is ready to go to war. 232 is definitely a family man of his own and he’s took me in to be apart of his family and I will always love him for that. I’m uncle 203 to his kids. 225 that’s my ride of die. He is the definition of stay strapped or get clapped. That’s my dawg and they are my brothers.

It kills me to know that my own blood means nothing 75% of the time and what really kills me is when I put in the effort and get nothing in return. The distance I’ve put between me and my blood is wild. But in order for me to keep my mental health in check, I have to have that distance. I stay away from the toxic as much as possible because I’m also a father and to show my kids what they deserve from people in life, I keep the distance so my children don’t get taken advantage of disrespected like I was. My kids deserve better. My wife deserves better and I will make sure they get better. My kids may not be mine by blood but they are by marriage and I love them kids as if they’re my blood because their father doesn’t want anything to do with them either. So trust me, those are my kids.

Sometimes I have these thoughts, and these thought take me on a deep dive spiral. I guess this is a small introduction to what you’ll come across here. My thoughts, my job, my life. My ups, my downs, and all the trials and tribulations as a adult male that has to check the box “other” on everything that’s paperwork. But there will be no hate, there will be no disrespect. It’s all truth and facts around here. This is a safe space, all is welcome and no one will be turned away. My pronouns are he/him/his and it’s all LGBTQ+ friendly but I am straight male too.