The "Love, Me" Letters

Letters to random people. http://www.facebook.com/thelovemeletters

[thelovemeletters]

Dear Dictionary Editors, This is literally the worst. http://www.salon.com/2013/08/22/according_to_the_dictionary_literally_now_also_means_figuratively_newscred/ Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Dear Friends and Family, I'm in a bit of a quandary and need your help. The spider, Fred, who lives in my tub in a cozy little tupperware bowl home that's secured by a tub of floral scented body butter, so, you know, totally like a garden. He's living a great life! He really seems to enjoy moving back and forth underneath the bowl! BECAUSE: He's got a 360 degree semi-translucent view in sought after Miracle Mile tubs!!! After a few weeks in there, I'm starting to get worried he's not getting enough food. He hasn't seemed to order any take out, and I haven't given him anything, and I don't think he's gone grocery shopping. At this point, I don't feel right killing him. We've bonded. But, since he's not dead (DEAR GOD WHY HASN'T HE DIED YET?), and he's too big to go down the drain, I feel like I should let him go. Except for a couple of things: He's a spider. I am terrified of spiders. What if he goes back to his spider family and tells them how I, despite providing a lovely home for him, starved him for weeks? I feel certain they will seek revenge. And I have a limited amount of tupperware bowls. All thoughts and ideas are welcome at this point. Note: My tub is separate from my shower, for those concerned about my personal hygiene. Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Dear Tinder, You've offered me two exes, two friends and a guy I went to HS with. So, I'm no longer shopping for men on your site. Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Dear Friend Who Found Out Assault Could Cost $200 In Fines, You don't even want to know how much a pepper would run you... Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Dear People With Money And Nothing Better To Do With It Than Contribute Funds To People Making Delectable Side Dishes, I've decided to make pasta salad. Because: delicious. But first I'm heading to Kickstarter to get some cash for groceries and a new car. Hope to see you there with open e-wallets! Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Dear SCOTUS, A. I gots me a new platform: Viagra and Cialis should only be available to married men who have to regularly prove that they are only using this miracle of science with their wives solely for procreation purposes. B. Instead of saying "TRUTH" to agree with any common sense notion, given the awesomosity that is Ruth To Tha Ginsburg, I submit we all respond "RUTH" from here on out. Cuz, like, RUTH. Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Dear Hulu, Apparently you have all of "Felicity" available now. I really want to rewatch it, but I'm just not sure I'm emotionally strong enough to get through hairgate a second time. Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Dear Monday Morning Grocery Store Patrons Who Got To Witness My Pants Fall Down Around My Knees In The Milk Aisle, Next show's at 2. Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Dear Elderly Punk Dood that I keep seeing on La Brea, You appear to be around 80 years-old or so. Your walking is labored. Your back appears to be in chronic pain. Just breathing seems difficult. I have no idea who you are, but man, I want to hear your stories. Mainly the ones where you explain who shaves your hair into that mohawk? And who dies your grey hairs fluorescent green? I can't believe that you'd be able to either much precision, given your arthritic-looking hands. Basically, what I really want to know is, if I curl up at the bottom of your presumably spiked, leather rocking chair, will you tell me about the good ol' days? Will you be my grandpa? Love, Me.


[thelovemeletters]

Dearest Earthlings, Now there's a whole new planet we can ruin! Happy Earth Day! YAY! Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Dear Meb Keflezighi, It's cool you finished the Boston Marathon first and all, but I just finished a family-sized bag of potato chips. I think we know who the real winner is here. Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Time Management Is Next To Godliness.

Dear Guy With The “Jesus Is God, Read The Bible” Bumper Sticker, Can I just read your bumper sticker instead? It just seems, you know, more efficient. Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

I'm a jerk.

Dear Homeless Guy On Venice, I was late for work today. And stuck behind a bitch in a BMW who refused to budge, despite the green light. Fully road-raged, I was about lay on the horn when you came running up to her car. I was still being a complete brat, and still about to lay on the horn, when I saw her hand you a hundred dollar bill. I think it was life-changing for you. It certainly was for me. Because, Your smile reminded me that sometimes people don't suck.
 Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Clearly The Fountain Of Youth

Dear 70 Year-Old Woman Who Just Informed Me That You Don't Drink Water Because You Only Drink Scotch, You are, quite simply, my hero. Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Consciously Coupling Couple Uncoupled...

Dear Couple Having The Sex In The Car Blocking My Garage, Well, this is awkward... Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

A New Kind Of Ball And Chain...

Dear A&E's Real Life Series: "Beyond Scared Straight", After viewing just a handful of your episodes, I realized I gotta turn this ship around, study more, stop yelling at my parents, stop getting in fights, and I definitely need to stop all this underage drinking I've been doing. Instead I'm going to dream about that hot-as-fuck convict you had in that Florida prison. I mean, damn, he was fiiiine and only had, like, 19 years left on his sentence. So, you know, I've got some time to plan our (hopefully) pending nuptials. Fingers and toes crossed that he says "yes"! In other news, I kinda might need to rethink the kind of men I'm into... Love, Me.

[thelovemeletters]

Fucking Zen.


Dear Woman Who Was Just Driving In Front Of Me, You were going about -3 miles per hour. Your turn signal was indicating that you wanted to make a right turn. You apparently weren't looking for a parking spot, as you passed about eight of them. You also did not appear to actually want to make a right turn as you passed up a number of opportunities (alleys, streets, brick walls) to do so. During our time together, I noticed that you have a number of bumper stickers affixed to the back of your car. All very pleasant and inspirational: "Bliss!!!" "Meditation opens the doors of heaven!!!" "Love!!!" "PEACE!!!" "SOME YOGA PLACE IN GEORGIA!!!" I'm sure that you've completely transcended and your third eye is fully opened, to the point that those meaningless things we other humans foolishly fret over (such as getting to places on time) mark merely a blip in your hemisphere. I would very much like to thank you for being so inspiring and giving me so much time to reflect on things such as "HOW THE FUCK DO I GET AROUND YOU?" "ARE YOU GOING TO TURN OR WHAT?" "WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING, LADY?" It also gave me time to reflect on the creation of a personal bumper sticker to add to your collection: "FUCK RIGHT THE FUCK OFF." Perhaps we could meet for a $25 vegan matcha tea made with the milk from almonds, picked by Himalayan monks and blended with organic water so I can give it to you? You're buying. Love, Me.