comfort

I write for you, and only you | cathartic

[thelovk]

Other Me.

I gave you time and space, to grow. Yes, my dear, I do it intentionally. Why? well, I saw the anger within you. I grew up with it too. I'm in pain to see you deep in sorrow. And now, you acknowledge that you exist. And I bloomed with proudness. My dear, I know it's hurt. It may not seems like you're in the right path, but you do. The path out of the cage is indeed a hard one to take. But, I believe in you dear, and you're not alone. Look! I held your hand, didn't I? We're in this together. I'm never far from you. So, take your time okay. Let the pain out of you. I'll be here to hold you through it all.

[thelovk]

Meeting Destiny

my gaze is hazy my words sharp like two edges-sword my ground is cold strong wind all around, chilling to the bone I refused to hug myself or to lean on a certain fire-warmth I felt sorry for my friends, for all they witness is my pain I wish I can lessen their burden but sometimes my heart hurt so much and I don't know what to do and I don't know how it happens I'm lost in my own path,

that until I saw your ray of lights-

to my destiny, our memories tangled, like stars meddled in the sky once, I close my eyes and dreamt of your warmth seeping through my soul remind me what it's like to be loved thank you, although we're universe apart, I'll forever hold you in my heart we're like a flower petal with a heightened sweet fragrance longing for the sunlight, hug each other under the cloudy sky

"maybe for once, things will be okay"

these are my thoughts when you all near me, I'm glad to have you by my side

[thelovk]

Time works differently, between inside and outside. I closed my eyes at night and realized that time has stopped. The house that I'm in- was full of noise and crowds. Pain painted over me. It doesn't even hurt anymore. I am numb with pain as I saw the walls started to change their pattern. People talks differently, yet I always know what they're about to say. It's like one flicker of light in a pitch-black room. I grew tired. I want to end this, this repeated cycle of pain and realization.

a personal self-guide on how to end stuff

People walked around us with luggage of pain, yet they never realized the weight they're carrying. People got used to hurting others with their words, yet they never realized it. It seems like everyone is repeating this stupidity that they start when they're young. It seems like they never realized how ridiculous it is. Those things that they repeated, it's ridiculous. Yet, unconsciously, I repeated the same pattern that was unique to me. Even if this pattern is different from others, it still a pattern that makes me sick.

1. Pain

I'm in constant pain. It is something that I can't control. Even after years of pain, I still don't know how to get out of this pain. I'm never used to this pain. Always tired, and now I'm annoyed.

So, I rest. Then another pain came.

So, I rest.

Then another pain came.

So, I rest.

rest, rest rest.

Until I grew tired of this repeated cycle. I asked myself last night, is there anything that I can do to end this? I'm truly sick of this pattern.

2.Breaking a pattern

I'm moving, one with myself. As I continue this journey, I take notes of every step that I take. Once I realized that I started to repeat the same pattern, I stopped, and change some steps.

Once you lived in a society, stuck at a certain home that you dislike - you'll slowly become like those that you dislike too. Even if you're different on the inside, but you'll draw the same pattern without even realizing it.

Maybe you'll need to take more notes, but act as you go. Maybe the first step to end this cycle is to take little action and make small changes.

I am just like them, I don't move much. So, I sleep less in the morning and wash dishes right after I finished my breakfast. I am just like them, I got lazy doing house chores. So, I tidy up my desk and clean the house. I play music close to my ears so that I'll remember my existence.

I am just like them, I grow weary when someone saw things that I do differently. So, I keep my heads up and keep my essence nearby. Journals, sketchbooks, and music- I took every inch of my existence in my mind all day. This is between me and myself. Whenever I do things differently, I do it for myself. This is a prove to myself, that I'm alive, I exist.

3. Creating a new pattern

There is a list of things that I deemed dangerous and I planned to break those list. Sometimes, the rule is no rule. Although it's important to continue our journey, it's equally important to let our existence painted the path that we just walked on. I make rules when I want to follow rules, and I go by instinct when I don't want to go by rules. We all get to decide how we want to live this life.

I think the key is to trust ourselves first. We might need to allow ourselves to do so many 'ridiculous' things. Trust yourself, there's no need for rules. Trust yourself, you can follow rules. Trust yourself, worry less about the consequences. Trust yourself, you'll still be responsible for your action and words. Trust yourself, you know how to behave in every situation that you're in. Trust yourself, you're a gift from God.

4. Maintain steady pace and position

Get back up when you fall. Set boundaries, and hold them up. Respect others' boundaries, and be with those that will respect yours. I think it's important to know your life values, principles of life that you hold on to dearly. I have a belief that I hold up to myself. It helps me to decide what's wrong and right in life. This is like the basic life essentials that we can develop at the beginning of our journey. It's like tools to live this life.

a.n: I remember that I'm a strange individual. I'm aware that maybe it's hard for others to know what I'm talking about. It's even hard for me sometimes.

[thelovk]

I often feel like I’m just a soul wandering in this earth, my existence closer to the universe and the stars rather than to similar being like me. I often feel like I’m not a human. Perhaps, I’m just simply too different.

Do you know how much God loves human? I feel like I respect other humans because God told me to. The truth is, I felt disheartened with the massive amounts of humans with ill intentions. They bring destruction to others, a nation, a race, or even themselves. I am in deep sorrow after a few days of living with humans.

Sometimes I wish I can go back, but this is my first life, and I don’t want to disappoint God. I’d like to think that my first experience in this earth is all for me to mature. To be a better soul, or a being.

If I see it in that way, If I see myself as a soul, it feels like every problem in my daily life is just small pebbles. It’s not that big. And, our whole experience as human is much more precious than those small pebbles. 

[thelovk]

Choose who you want to be around with |

there are people in our life that told us to be a certain person, do certain job, live a certain life-- to be precise, the type of life that they choose for us. they believe that it’s the best for us. 

there’s no need for hate, because you can always choose different things. 

as we first walked in life, we hold our heart closer so that we can listen to its beat. as we first love, we choose to listen to that gentle whisper inside of us. so love, let me remind you that you don’t have to listen to others.

believe what you choose to believe. after all, there are people for you to meet, for you to adore and admire because they just have the best personality and dreams and story of life. there are people that will guide you, help you, accompany you, understand you, and love you.

as much as I believe that you need to get back up on your own, I also believe that it’s okay if you want to lean on others-- those that you believe in

my last advice for you (for this moment)-- is to be with people that gives good  vibration in your heart. in short, trust your instinct darling. be with those people.

[thelovk]

Dear, my Violet

Hi... I... I hope you're okay

I, I want to tell you something...

You're... beautiful, 

I mean, I'm not only talking about looks- 

it just, 

your soul... and mine,

I can feel them dancing together,

it's like, even in quietness,

I can understand you... 

like we're aligned with each other

I'm sorry for leaving you behind, I'm sorry for being a coward all this time, I'm sorry for causing you so much pain--

if I can turn back time, 

I'd choose us over our family

maybe... maybe deep down, I wish for a family too

maybe, maybe...

maybe I'm the only one that hopes for us to be a family

But no matter how much I've tried,

even blood didn't mix well

It's like, I was born to hate my own blood

I... I rarely think about me and my family

All I'm worried about is myself, and you

I hope you can have a family, 

and maybe...

I hope that my blood can be your family

--even if they can't be mine

maybe... 

I hope for at least one of us to experience happiness

let me be in sorrow,

if I can see you in happiness

let you have my blood,

maybe they'll mean much more to you

then them to me; or me to them

[thelovk]

I have no idea if I’d ever feel like this again

[ 29th August, 2020 | 10.59 a.m. ]

“I’m ready to die” - I heard a whisper in my heart as I paint my walls with red.

I haven’t see myself for a long time. It’s like opening a door and there’s a hallway with piles of boxes in front of me. By the end of this hallway, there’s a girl. I can hear her cries in pain. I want to reach out to her. I feel like she’d be angry at me to, for leaving her behind.

I’ve always knew if she cries, and I ignored her a lot. She didn’t want to hate me, for unable to listen to her or reach out to her. But at this point, I think she’s angry.

I...

I should’ve wrote loving words, right? I’m waiting for her, to be okay, to talk in here too. So, let’s wait for a bit.

She just...

She just left a note, 

let me share it with you:

here we go,

maybe I’m feeling too much, it became too much. maybe more than I can handle. Someday, I want it all to stop. I wish I still wish that it can go away or I can get away. Any of which better. I do want to leave, leave this place - and run back to God. I do still wish to go back home to God. but I don’t even pray, you don’t even pray. How can God accept someone like me? a hypocrite. I feel like, all I do is running away from my problems-- troubles. I want to breath. I want it to go away. I want to be angry at you, but at the same time I want to hug you, because I’ve miss you so much.

you don’t need to have pen and paper to feel better or to know yourself better. All you need is a bravery to face me and to talk to me-- like you always do

my baby, my child,

you’re brave enough, already

I love you

One day after this, you can go back to praying. God will wait for you to go back home too.

the notes end there, I have a feeling that by the time she sent this letter she’s already there- back home in God’s side.

[thelovk]

You’re more free lately, more freedom, more love; I don’t want to fill this notes with anxiety... so let’s talk about what I want to say to you instead.

You’re indeed someone new, developed, grew. And I’m proud of you for that. It’s been a while, right? I miss you too, There’s a lot that’s happen, and not just to me, or any of us. It’s a whole, really a lot to take in.

But, you’ve done good now actually, you expressed more. I think it’s pretty clear already. You do now that there are some warning, but what I admire from you is that you continue to let out. It’s almost as if you’re careless, you’re still careful- I know. You can barely harm anyone or anything, you’re gentle and soft after all.

Continue, go on. You’re in the right path, with the right movement.

Whatever this one will turn out, you’ll learn, and that’s what all matter

Remember, I love you. Always.

[thelovk]

breathe in, breathe out; I closed my eyes and let the lullaby sipped into my heart. I let the sounds of heartbreak and betrayal filled my eyes with unseen tears, and let my heart felt the cold stabbed itself repeatedly.

you know how the answer goes, you know how it’ll sound like.

as time passed by and you spend this moment waiting for nothing-- your words might slipped out, you might forgot again.

words of insecurity, of fear, of anger--- things better buried deep, it’s less hurt that way

that’s not you who said that, it’s something within you that tries to protect you, something that miscalculate what’s the danger is or maybe they do know what the danger is, and they know how fragile you are. 

so my child, shaped yourself, get strong. i’ll wait for you in the other side.

I know you used to hold back from expressing out of anger, but love- I think your anger-art is also a masterpiece. Whatever your art and expression is, I always love it when you be able to let it out. I’m glad you can let it out, I think that’s what important.

go on, and let them know

[thelovk]

-an attempt to reach out to my soul-

because this one remind me of a friend, and a creature that I haven’t visited in a long time

[ date: 9th July 2020 ]

[ time: 7:29 p.m. / an hour of disappointment blaze]

Maybe tonight I’ll stay up late, no matter how long it takes-- I want to reach out to you first. I’m sorry, I wrote anger in this page. But, I’m desperate to hear your voice inside of my heart again. Even if, we’re already one and I can feel you vibrate alongside my heartbeat-- I still miss you dearly.

Hello, how do I begin this... where should I start?

Remember that voice? that sounds... when you can’t reach out to me, unless you hear those sounds. Something happen, and I do feel the need to explain everything to you. But, I-- I’m scared if someone find out.

I tighten my headphones, I really don’t want anyone to hear our conversation. Anyway, let me try to tell you about what happen. Let me try to let this one obstacles between us out.

Someone hurt us, someone repeat the same mistake, someone add it up-- the flame got bigger, it’s gigantic. But, I’m silent. I’m both battling a battle, and healing from past wounds. Tell me, how can I continue to go to the next war if I’m not even healed from previous ones?

Dear my soul, who’s so close to God. What do you feel... from all of this?

I am so disappointed, I genuinely thought that things will change. Maybe they’ll finally be kind to us, and to younger us. But the truth is, as time passed by, they got more advanced technology to lure us-- back into their control. I don’t want any of that to happen again. I know the main cause of this problem,

No matter how much you’ve tried father, you won’t be able to protect something that already been buried deep in the ground, past with the time. I am not a woman like your mother or my mother; or any woman that’s once in your arm but then slipped out from your grasp. What do you protect us from? We’re a woman for a reason.

There’s a voice in my head, telling me I’ll regret this. Go on and regret, you wouldn’t learn anything without regret. From regret you learn, you raise and try again. From regret you learn to let go, and move on with life. So go on, make mistakes, this is your art, so go on and make a mess. Your mess is an art piece.

//

Once the night become dim, and every hushes become silence,

meet me again when the clock strike twelve, right before your bed time.

Go on and made love with time and space, as love is something beyond

you’ll meet me again, you’ll hear something from me again

I love you, always.

This is your replies, from within and beyond.

[thelovk]

“even if I do let this one out, I will be the only person who understand how much it worth” - a notes on my gift box

Dear Myself, do you… want to have a talk with me?

Sure my love,

First, I want to say I’m sorry. Second, I want to say, I’m proud of you.

I personally think you’ve done a right thing, well maybe ‘right’ isn’t the correct words. I understand why you do what you do. You felt guilty even for expressing your natural human reaction for getting harmed by your own family members, don’t you think it’s strange? You’re a human, don’t forget that, please forgive yourself, it’s not even your fault.

Even if there’s no words that you say to me that indicates the word I just said – but honey, babe, I can feel it. You keep wanting me to tell you that it’s okay. I know it hurts, you’ve been through a lot after all. It’s overwhelming for you, isn’t it? So much that you can’t even explain to me. It’s okay. If it’s me, you don’t have to say any words, I’ll always know. Listen closely and you’ll know that I always pay attention to you. I love you.

[thelovk]

30th March 2020,

It’s written in this letter that I’ve received; it said--

“love mostly was a personal one, I think I won’t be able to be human enough if I didn’t love myself first. Don’t you think so, my love? I actually adore that stern look in your face, you look cute when you put your focus on something. That burning passion light up the essence of life in you. I’m... glad that I can witness you get through today. You said to me earlier, that you’re unable to feel anything today. Well, my love, let me be the one to feel for both of us. Please allow me to shower you with love, you’ve earned it. I love you, thank you for today”

I let out a sigh as I read this letter. I... I really miss her, I wish... I wish she’s still around. I know, I remember, about the last phrase that she said to me.

“I’ll always be in your heart”

I hope... I hope it’s true.

[thelovk]

Perhaps you can have a seat beside me? I just made you a cup of warm tea, full of my love, and admiration towards you.

Dear younger me, probably a few minutes before I wrote this,

Thank you, for trying your best to be the best aunty that your nephew can have. I admire your carefulness, although yes, sometimes you are too... anxious when it comes to them. But, it just tells me about how kind you are, you don’t want them to get harmed in any way, right?

I’ve noticed that you recently got angry with their parents? well, even though you’re really good at hiding your emotions. You’re worried about their growth since their parents seem to threaten them a lot, huh? Let’s pray for them, I’m sure Allah will protect them. They’re really kind children, their personality already shines at such a young age. 

It is quite sad, isn’t it? To notice that most people that you surrounded won’t  listen to suggestions if they don’t experience it first hand? They’re the type of people who’d rather fall on their own than in the hand of a child? That’s what you think right? That they saw you as a child, there’s no way that they’d listen to you? Because you already try before when you’re much younger?

Keep being yourself, I’m sure when you achieve the best version of yourself then they’d realize their mistakes. Hopefully, it won’t be too late. I know, I’m scared too, of course. We don’t want any other child to suffer like we do, right? Let’s just pray, love. You already do your best, and I’m proud of you. You always try to be there for your nephew even with all the huge luggage in your shoulder. 

[thelovk]

maybe I am in love, but only with those that I can't have for real maybe in love was much comfortable this way, when you love from afar; although it'd be nice to sleep next to someone so close to your heart; so warm in your embrace.

if I'm such a professional in being alone would you consider knocking on my door? just so I can remember to eat and sleep properly because I might be too busy loving myself instead of you

I don't want you to end up with someone as bad as me, so maybe that's why I'm trying to change

I woke up early today, and of course, I never missed brushing my teeth in the morning don't worry I'm eating properly today too; I'm actually healthier

I think I'm ready to love you

I know, we ever met before but I'm really sorry; I was so--- out of this world, huh? don't worry I changed, which is a good thing

we can... we can try? let's met here every Thursday we can... we can get to know each other first but so you know, I'll already know if it's you and... and you might not even realize it yet

gosh, I sound like a creep already sorry, just--- sighed

you talked too much I was just enjoying the night the other day maybe I'm not like what you think yeah, there's a lot to figure out maybe you are a little bit of creepy

but that doesn't change the fact that our heart got tangled since the first, we enter this cubicle

I saw you the other day, with a new hairstyle, you pierced your ears, huh? you look gorgeous... as always

in the past, you're more of a cute type but I guess... you're more... m-mature, now

you have beautiful eyes, and I like the way you dress

please, stop biting your lips like that; you'll crush my heart, sighed I'm sorry, I'm not good with words but I'll try to be honest with you from now on

[thelovk]

It was night time, the dark covering the city and the dim light flickers here and there. My heart was sore, you’re way too far from me. I should’ve done something about it, right? But at times like this, I just want to jump through time so that I could be with you for one more time.

“Hey…” he sighed, contemplating whether he should call her or not. He’s muttered under his breath, ‘fuck’.  His heart was screaming, ‘let’s be with her’ but- how could he even tell her that?

“If you don’t have anything else to say, I’ll hang up,” she said, about to hang up for real. “Wait, wait, wait!! Fuck babe, wait… please… just—” he sighed again. “Meet me” he finally said.

He’s out of breath as if he just runs a mile in her heart. “Where?” she asked, still with a cold tone. “I’ll go to your place… you’re still in the same place?” he asked her. 

“yes...” she said in a whisper, 

mind racing, heart beating. suddenly you remembered about those times when she’s close to you; in your arms. your mind goes back to when all you are loving her, and to let her love you.

you’re one big idiot,

she’s thinking the same thing;

“hurry home,” she said in a huffed breath, 

“I’ll wait for you” she sounds so sweet, it’s luring him in, 

so hot; it’s suddenly felt too hot around here.

And by the end of the day, as night was filled with rose petals and candles light, your body got tangled with hers. Whether it’s in her bathtub or her bed, you're back to who used to be. It’s like you’re alive again, it’s like you’re whole again.

[thelovk]

I know one thing, when it comes to falling in love with you, I don’t need to rush. Even with the blood rush in my vein, my time felt like it’s slowing down as I met you at one night. It was your voice that attracts me, the low rumble on your chest as you try to speak slow to the lady in front of you. It was the way you look at someone in their eyes, as your hands caress their cheek, as you’re trying to fall in love with them- when all they did is loving your body and not your soul. I wish I can say, “let it be me” but we all know that I’m not that brave. I’m just a part of the shadow around you. And I always thought that you won’t ever know my name. Yet, I indeed fall in love with you since that night.

[thelovk]

Thirst, Hunger, Escapes, Saving Me, Saving You, Loving Me, Loving You - It was January when we first met, as ten years have passed. I was today’s years old when it happens. In a pitch-black room with rose petals on the ground, yet the flame was set ablaze. I’m scared to talk to you, but not because I know you’ll be angry. Something is waiting for both of us, she’d kill us, she has that capability. That’s what I’m afraid of, of my own mother.

“Of your own mother!? Our own mother!? That’s what it all about? You feel this way because of her!?” I can hear a voice inside of me, that’s another me. “Yes, our own mother, you forgot?” I reply to the voice. “Well, maybe I don’t want to remember it? maybe I don’t want to admit it?”

I can feel the defense was built up, as my eyes were covered with a thick fog, My truth, and my reality was blurred. I don’t know what’s real anymore. Some of me trying to escape this, while I know that I’m just panicking.

A lot of me was out, my love, my passion, my desire - everything was out in the table. I know her name, but maybe I forgot. (Sigh, this crowd is too loud)

I don’t want to tell anyone, I don’t want to ask for help. I just want to sit down, feel, and think. I want to stand up and defend myself from her. Sigh, so that’s what it all about?

My sweet love has escaped

to her own mind full with jumbled forest, mess

My sweet love paint her body with red

and her eyes with black and gold

She’s not an angel, of course, she doesn’t have wings

She doesn’t have any weapons with her,

But her braveness is what I fall for