spare me!

but feel free to be my guest 

[themessofadream]

To The Nicest People I've Met

I am an introvert. There is no scientific data to back this up, but living with myself for almost 30 years now, I think I can make a substantial judgement on myself.

To further explain, an introverted person is someone who is comfortable with their inner thoughts and feelings. I am reticent, yes. I don't put my heart up on my sleeve. I don't, or should I daresay I can't.

I have been brought up in a conservative way. By conservative, that covers the traditional way. I never learned how to speak up until I got into Psychology - hell, this course got me out from most of my traumas. This course also led me to have a career in the most people-ly kind of job - Human Resources. In this job, you HAVE to build relationships with people, this is actually a hack because you get (shit) things done. You get to make people do their actual jobs because simply they "owe" it to you. You get to make people respect your job because they know that you have built that trust between them.

I should be proud of myself for being in this HR, let alone being in Recruitment (which I think is more people-ly). You get to meet strangers, talk to them, act as if you like them to do the job. And as an introvert, it might be the death of me. (not physically but mentally because duh, I'm an introvert!)

Anyway, speaking of jobs, I have just resigned from a role of 9 months. Gosh, I don't do jobs in less than a year. But it was inevitable. I had to leave the job. The saddest part about it? I had to leave the people that has been with me while doing the goddamn job.

They're nice. I think this is an understatement. They're phenomenal. I never had a group of people that are insightful, soulful, and intellectuals. I got to be with people who are mature, who are open, who are accepting. As someone who grew up not having relationships, I can say I'm lucky to build relationships out of my adult personalities. I am happy to have met people after I turned 25, (and also happy to maintain people) because I can say that they're the most logical friendships and intentional relationships I have.

It's hard - goodbyes? It's been a week. I'm in a new job, enabling me to be actually introverted. I do miss the camaraderie. I do miss the mornings. Too early of mornings.

I am writing this because it has filled my mind and I wanted to let this out of this head.

[themessofadream]

Solitaire ♠️♦️♣️♥️

I'm the worst player at any competitive game - ever. The only card game I really learned how to play is UNO - and that was due to the stress of the reviews for the boards (that was our equivalent of smoking, I don't know why we grew up such good kids).

Although this post is irrelevant to the UNO card game, I am writing due to a recurring thought that I have: Am I to play this game by myself or am I meant to do it with another?

I always miss my solitude. As sad as it may sound, I sometimes feel at ease when I take things within my control, without having anyone to blame if the circumstance does not go well. But I've been provided by the heavens with a teamate. And sometimes I can't figure out how to deal with this partnership.

Anyway, I should stop myself from rethinking life and its choices a half hour past 9 because i should be sleeping. But attached is why this writing has been triggered.

[themessofadream]

Impostor Syndrome

I had a conversation with my boyfriend about this last night. Although I understand how men understands the world (in black and white duh), I did appreciate his open mindedness to me speaking about this.

I’ve never felt the entirety of this until now, or maybe I had been feeling this all along but never to the extent of labeling it, i just thought I was overthinking. Whenever I have accomplishments, to which I should give credit to my hardwork, I don’t feel as happy and as accomplished as I should be. I always feel like I am not doing the right thing, and I always have the fear of people finding out how I do my work (probably also why I’m uncomfortable working with others, as in double body). For this, I am starting (or ongoing) for this new job that I have and I felt like everything I do is wrong even if nothing really is. I felt like I deviated from the process, to which I don’t(?). 

I don’t know about you though, but I’m kind of bummed today. As in I wanna go to Mcdonald’s and just eat whatever I want. lol. but srsly though, I just wanna feel accountable for the good things that’s happening. xx

[themessofadream]

It’s not the coffee, it’s the sugar

It’s a rainy day, midweek. You find yourself getting up, doing your stretches and heading straight to the kitchen. You slightly reach for the cupboard, getting your favorite glass. You open the coffee packet, scoop out a right amount and just pour it on to your brewer. Then you wait 5 minutes. 

You open the fridge, unknowingly, then pour a hefty amount of milk onto your glass. Then a handful of vanilla and carmel, with lots of iced cubes - then your pour your coffee. 

You sit through as you take the sips in. Little by little, you feel the rush onto your veins, thinking that the caffeine has starting to seep through. 

You go about your day, energized - in the back of your mind, you are thinking - thank you, caffeine. But by mid day, somehow the thought of your morning has abandoned you, you felt the opposite.

The real epiphany really is - it wasn’t the caffeine that is kicking your ass out for activities, it was the sugar in the syrup, in the milk. boy, you may have gotten yourself into a sinkhole of magic - the kind that tricks you.

Feelings - much like the sugar are also deceiving. Some feelings make you feel you are most alive - but by the end of it all, their sugar effects just left you hanging there, clinging for more. They make you feel the high, only to lift you to bring you down. the higher you are, the further you fall - the harder it gets. 

But it does get addicting, the sugar rush. You may never know, you are already looking for it. The taste, the aftereffects.  One could not always realize how deceiving it could be, unless one prepares his own coffee in the morning.

[themessofadream]

Choices

When one is being faced with the sunrise, surely from there, one realizes that movement is impossible without choices. The moment your body comes into senses from your dreams, one must ponder upon whether to open once eyes already or not. This simple choice could lead to another - that is waking up fully and getting out of bed. From there, one must decide what to do first, coffee? stretching? water? or far worse - phone.

I don’t even know where the cycle begins, but choices underlie all the actions we took. Sometimes these choices comes on an afterthought especially when one is already facing the consequences.

The reality in our lives is that we are really governed by choices. Some of it may come second nature, some may be from logic, some choices are repetitive because they seem to work - or too comfortable. 

Have you wonder though about other’s choices as well? This question really bugged me for ages because I realized how much I thought of other’s choices. In my life, might probably be the hardest one to accept was me not even having to part in the choices. I’ve realized, even if the choices are being presented from A-Z, I would never make the cut. I was just given the realization by now. Which is why I’m putting this into writing. 

So, what choice do I have as well? Might have other things. But it’s quite funny and sad at the same time. When we choose a person, but that person does not choose you, is it a matter of your worth? 

[themessofadream]

Morning Encapsulation

I am writing this down, in the hopes of having to read it in the future. I just realized that most people who write often leave footprints of their thoughts. Ironic.

This morning was a discovery. I realized how tasty it is to have cream cheese and honey on a biscuit or bread is!!! I am mildly lactose intolerant but I’m trying to reorganize my shitty gut. Dairy is so delish.

I just had my coffee as well - guess who is sleepy now. 

I did my morning stretch - guess who wants to go to yoga now?

[themessofadream]

the similarities are uncanny.

the likes - not sure with the dislikes. 

it might be true indeed - that you have 7 other person most likely similar to you. 

[themessofadream]

Regarding Parents

It always astonishes me how our parents are so mature - in age, looks, mindset maybe but not always with emotional intelligence.

My parents are great - they’ve given me all the love they can muster. Financially, we’ve struggled but we got by, we still get by, and by the looks of it, i would not worry too much anymore about it. So far, everyone and everything is being taken care of.

What boggles my mind really is how their traumas have been an integral part of their ‘now’. I never knew the entirety of their childhood, teenage years as well - but what I do know now, they have this unresolved situations that they see as normal and unknowingly, understand it in a way that it should also occur to me as their child. As a student of Psychology, I never really applied my learnings when it comes to my parents - seems very unethical. I never had once analyzed their acts, I never questioned why they are like that. I just always thought that they are my parents and this is what they are like. Not until the past year, that I’ve managed to arrange a few affairs and unresolved traumas of my own that I only see the essence of understanding them fully to the core.

Take for example - my mother. She has outbursts of anger, not always but mostly. On Saturdays, it would always be a luxury for me to wake up to a silent home. (oh no not me crying while writing this essay). But on OUR days off, she goes on and on about how the little things bother her. Unwashed dishes, scattered clothes, unlaundered dirty piles. These always bugs her day. Which is in total opposite of my father who seems to never cared about anything in the house. In return, every evidence of unpleasant reflects on me, or my sister, who are “lazy”.

I don’t think I am lazy - I procrastinate, yes. But never lazy. I get things done. Sometimes late, but I always do. I just have my own pacing, which does not really coincide that with my mother’s. She is quick, I don’t even know, she doesn't even have social life outside my dad. Ironic.

Going over the father, he is one good guy. Sweet, thoughtful in some ways but sometimes naive. Naive to his own thoughts, naive to the reality. We grew up, I’m already in my mid-20s but somehow it has failed him to see how I am like that. By logic, there should have been some “home privileges” a person my age should have at home. But, nothing came out of it. Months of endless reminders, pursuits even, but I feel like the cries are just unheard and made to past one ear to the other. His principle in life - satisfaction. Yes, dad. It’s peaceful, but it always bothers me how you can’t want more when you are capable of it and most especially the circumstances would allow. That is downright laziness? (as aforementioned)

So, the real purpose of this essay really is none. I could not fathom why they are like that, nor have the energy to accept. Probably I’m just past the stage of having the emotional turmoil about themselves rock me to my core. They are parents, I am their child. The dynamic works, they get angry, I still still, they speak up to me again without even saying sorry for things. I’ve already have this situation accepted though, not necessarily them. 

Probably in conclusion, as most essays should have anyways, as their child, I could have the choice to have the bigger perspective. This is still a privilege anyway to live rent-free. Some food are free still. Which is nice.

[themessofadream]

Vienna, Billi Joel (1977)

Ahh, to find a lovely piece, encased in 3 minutes or so that finally hits home.

Most of my mid 20s, I am constantly living for “what’s next”. I’ve been obsessed with making sure that the “now” is settled because in my head, today would always lead to what is tomorrow. 

It’s true though, but it came with a price - SANITY.

This meant that being in that kind of thought makes me feel like i’m always in a limbo. Nothing to go from here. Nowhere to start. Been thinking outside the box as well - does this really what life has to be? Is it all process? Evolution?

Nobody said this was life for us. Whoever set the standard anyway?

Then there’s this song. it came to me in a very confusing moment. A snippet of a video, then I realized: Whatever is for you couldn’t escape you. It will always meet you at a certain point, it’s not always mathematics. What’s for you, will always mean to find you. 

The hardest thing to accept though - what if what’s meant for you is not something you wanted? 

But, it may surprise you - what if what’s meant for you is...something greater than you ever dreamed for yourself?

But still. YOU CAN DREAM. Just make sure to point out which are worth achieveing. 

[themessofadream]

vow to keep things private for 2022. <3

[themessofadream]

you know what hurts?

that.

but then again, i was surprised. it still hurts. but i dont care anymore.

[themessofadream]

This sucks. I wanna regret everything and everyone.

[themessofadream]

Oh, this song brings such great moments - which is ironic because those moments happened even before this one was released. Let me tell you what moments are those are: OR maybe my mind is playing its little trick on me...again?

I can smell the sea from here. Someone is in charge of the bbq, cooking in the background. We get to the beach early at 7am and now we’re eating an early lunch. By midday, we get to the van, go round the area just tasting the wind. Too early. Just a dream. To be under the sun. Incoherent, right?

[themessofadream]

Oh Romance, stop enticing me!

Throughout my adult life, I have not categorized myself as being “hopeless romantic”. I always see myself appreciating those and only realizing that they’re inside a box we see from our couches. 

I never knew what being hopeless romantic truly meant until I find myself in a restaurant with a pretty bar. There, I somehow flashed back from the moments why I haven’t categorized myself as such...when in fact, all the things I want already states the obvious.

For instance, when I’m walking through the night, I don’t see the darkness - rather I feel the mist, wishing I was being held like how the wind wrapped me into coldness.

When I’m witnessing the mornings, I always wished I wasn’t like the sun - rising all alone. Although beautiful, but with no companion. Think it lacks that to make it truly spectacular.

I always remember this one time that I was by the shore, hearing the peaceful sound of the waves...only that I wasn’t peaceful inside because I want someone beside me to whisper nice words to me.

I haven’t read a lot of books and/or watch movies about love - but one thing I know, I can always feel it in my bones. That the love I’ve felt, can be manifested outside through a person.

[themessofadream]

Love vs Commitment. Is there a difference, really?

I don’t think we are afraid of love. Love is a feeling, your own feeling. When we act upon love, it becomes commitment, and truthfully, people are more afraid from the latter.

[themessofadream]

Aug 6

Today, in the other parts of the world, someone is celebrating their birthday.

[themessofadream]

Day 1.

Today was my first day at rehab. When I got diagnosed with patellofemoral pain syndrome, I actually cried that night. You know how your body betrays you? It felt just that. I thought everything was fine with me - guess I'll have to endure. FOR 12 WHOLE FREAKING SESSIONS. But I still need to do things in between, so that would make it a month.

It's not that bad, honestly. Today is my day 1. I just can't wait for one day.