...And that expectation- that sense of...well- debt. I'd imagine it DID impact you a lot even more so then usual. Well...No one is ever truly a weapon. People are imperfect. But in this world, it does feel like imperfection can ruin or kill you...
...That sense of purpose- it's something that everyone seems to struggle with. That idea of forming an identity for yourself...
...The idea of expectation, of tradition, of family...When it's not reinforced that it's okay to mess up or show that through genuine action, it can end up reinforcing negative and self-destructive thoughts. It's at least a good thing that you have the capacity to feel this way. To feel that you messed up or that you cared for those you grew to love as family. Did you ever really feel like you had to overcompensate as a Younger Sister at that age?
Even if it felt like no one was telling you to do so, or held that expectation?
(Husky understood this sort of feeling. Hers was more geared towards holding emotional space for others, and always being there to empathize and be kind to others, to listen to their emotions and their feelings- to make them feel better...But that's a different story to this.)
Also, yeah...With some distortions...Your kind of stuck as something. I mean, as a distortion the third time, I became an entire sentient complex...And...Compartmentalized that trauma- and...Well...Now we're standing in the realized form of it.
...But I have a feeling that'd not really help your case.
But also. Brae. During that time in your childhood...You were still ultimately a kid. But you at least tried the best you could. You truly managed to try and help them, even in small ways. After all- isn't the middle about debt in a way? And repaying that debt? So I'd imagine, feeling that way-
...Right...Not all relationships are transactional, and to be instilled with the idea of having to protect others, not only because of the kindness you have, but because it's expected of you...
That's transactional. The middle, surprisingly, were a lot better then your actual parents in this small instance. Because their idea of transaction seemed to be a bit more personal, and thus- would've given you a potentially safer space if you ever felt like you faltered. Now- I'm not saying your parents were bad or wrong in this, but what I am saying is that their dependency on you might've unknowingly helped instill this sense of guilt at a young age, and it wasn't necessarily broken until you probably felt responsible enough for protecting those who couldn't or those you bonded with.
It's a normal thing for this type of unknowing flaw to kind of contribute to how a person thinks, and how they see themselves.
But that doesn't mean that there isn't any hope for you to try and slowly unlearn this, while maintaining a healthy relationship between the kindness and empathy you feel- and the ensuing guilt that you've slowly pushed upon yourself due to environmental circumstances.
...You can cry, if you want. It's not exactly like there's anything here that would wish to embarrass you, and no one will ever really know. I can cover my ears and close my eyes if that helps it be easier to let those emotions out.
Because trying to hold them back in fear of weakness- especially in a fucked up world like this- won't help with survival or helping others, but what feeling these emotions can do- and processing them...
Is that it can help us understand ourselves better, so that we can help people better.
As the saying goes. You can't help others if you can't help yourself.
Learning how to process this, and trying to reflect on things- along with learning information on how this could effect you mentally- will make things seem less like it's your fault, and mainly help with unpacking and understanding where this guilt first came from- how it had spiraled- and the tools you can learn...mentally- at least, on how to build towards getting better.
Oh, and tell me if I'm being too distant or too cold, I don't want to make you feel more uncomfortable then you already do, okay?
(Husky smiled warmly, as she did feel her eyes water a bit. If only because she genuinely wanted to help Brae, and seeing her like this- in such a vulnerable- similar state- she couldn't help but want to comfort her. That's what Husky felt was her purpose after all. What she's meant for.)
