e.

[themoonandmaryjane]

one day i will heal and none of it will matter.

[themoonandmaryjane]

one day...

[themoonandmaryjane]

one day has come. GOD is good.

[themoonandmaryjane]

finally.

i have finally found love.

a place where it's safe enough to talk about my dreams.

a place where i'm held during gut wrenching sobs.

a place where i don't have to be perfect. i just have to be me...on whatever day in whatever version that may be.

the kindness eyes. the sweetest kisses. the softest touch.

every time he speaks, it's like a frequency i've been waiting my whole life to hear .. all while being my most intimate listener.

my heart has found a home and GOD is the architect.

this is deeper than love...this is divine alignment.

[pisces-core]

[pyritetears-deactivated20260218]

[biglibrat]

𝔩𝔦𝔟𝔯𝔞𝔱

[themoonandmaryjane]

me & my man ❤️‍🔥

[themoonandmaryjane]

i have to remain strong. i have to get through this. i have to heal from this.

always remember that if they wanted to they would.

reading back through it all, i used to really believe in the power of love, but now...i don't know what i believe in anymore.

[themoonandmaryjane]

lingering

i wanna erase the lingering feelings.

i wanna erase my emotions.

i wanna erase the memories.

i wanna erase my heart.

[themoonandmaryjane]

it’s been a rough time.

i ain’t been tryna cry.

i ain’t been tryna be angry.

i just been tryna move on.

i just been livin in confusion.

i hate the way i feel.

i hate the pain.

i feel violated.

i also feel isolated.

[themoonandmaryjane]

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

What is unconditional love exactly? Do any of us actually know? Is it based off of what you have, what you provide, what you do? Is it a myth or can it truly be received? You ask anyone if they’ve ever been loved unconditionally and they’d probably tell you “No.”. Ask anyone if they’ve ever loved someone unconditionally and you may get a few yes’s and a some stories. It is my understanding that our society is lost on the terms of love and what it means to really love someone. I, myself was lost some time ago. But through my experiences, learning, unlearning, improving and remembering what I have inside me…I have been able to grasp, at least the concept of what unconditional love might actually be. I believe that If I am loved unconditionally, that means that I am in a space where I feel safe to be my true unaltered self. I can be vulnerable, I can be honest, I can be open. I can share my secrets, my ups and downs and STILL, someone would be able to show me that I am worthy of love. It would have nothing to do with my finances, if I am a good cook, if I can fuck, if my hair is long..etc..and everything to do with how the person that I love loves me. Could they accept my vulnerability? Could they accept my short comings as a human being? Could they put aside the judgement and decide to pour into me instead? Could they let their shields down so I could do the same? As humans, we constantly feel a void…nothing is ever enough for us. WE CRAVE GRATIFICATION…even in the simplest ways…AND we make it hard for ourselves with the conditions we bring to the table..forgetting that the only thing that can fill that void is love. love for ourselves. love for our peers. love for our lives. and during my time of re-evaluating I have realized that unconditional love was inside of me. Where it’s been all along, before I had money, before I had my job, my car, my looks. I realized that I was love in human form. and that LOVE HAS ALWAYS COME FIRST. And it was about time that I put it first. Putting love first, is putting yourself first. 

[themoonandmaryjane]

one day i will heal and none of it will matter.

[themoonandmaryjane]

one day...

[themoonandmaryjane]

when i fuck up ... i really fuck up.

[themoonandmaryjane]

one day i will heal and none of it will matter.

[officialaudreykitching-deactiva]

‪Everything is going to work out beautifully, you will see. Even better than you imagined it. ‬

[themoonandmaryjane]

i want a better relationship with GOD. i want a better relationship with my soul and self. i feel so close and so far away at the same time. i want to be a better person, provide a better life for myself and my family. i want to have the freedom to chase my dreams .. which again, sometimes i feel like i do..and sometimes i feel like i don't ..

34 has been so disappointing...while i've had small wins here and there .. i feel like i let myself down..i feel like i fumbled my blessings..

in this season of my life, i've learned more about self awareness and accountability. i've cried more, grieved more..in between the small wins, i feel lost most of the time. i feel like im spiraling and tbh..most times i really don't know what to do .. i understand that i have to keep pushing through.. i understand that GOD will provide .. it's just i feel like GOD is only stepping in when i get close to my breaking point ..

have i not endured enough in my life? have i not proven that i believe ? sometimes i feel like GOD doesn't believe in me, the way that i believe in GOD. and i know that's not true but im human and those are the kind of things i think about ..

i pray that this difficult, stressful season of my life comes to an end sooner than later.. that i can live my life without fear of feeling lost and disconnected. because in my 34th year of life, this is what i feel.

i know that GOD protects me always but anxiety is doing a really good job at convincing me otherwise ..

[themoonandmaryjane]

it's been a while since i've had anything to say. i've mastered the art of shutting down and forcing time to heal my wounds. i've lost things. i've gained things. but none of it has been worth talking about until now.

it's 2:22pm, SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21st, 2023.

i've been experimenting with my happiness. doing things that bring my body joy. this is how all my decisions have been made. at first, i felt like choosing myself was closing ppl off until the ppl i felt that i was neglecting were actually rooting for my experiment. praying that i find what makes me happy. even in minimal communication, i could still feel their love. they agree with me.

i won't talk about how certain people treated me and how that made me feel..what i will speak on is how i felt when i decided to say NO. liberated and strong. it's about loving and respecting myself because certain people do not. i realized that there's nothing i can do about that.

they either see it or they don't.

the taste of bitterness is something every human experiences..i am not immune. no matter how happy i am and continue to be..i will always wish things went exactly how i wished and wanted. and the dissatisfaction we feel by not reaching that goal leaves a deep wound that only time and new experiences will heal.

so here i am .. still healing.. still on a journey to perpetual happiness. and while some days have not been the best..i push forward. whether it be in silence or screaming from a mountain top.

that's all i came here to say.

[themoonandmaryjane]

Cheers!

Three cheers for perpetual heartbreak!

hip-hip! hooray!

hip-hip! hooray!

hip-hip! hooray!

[themoonandmaryjane]

imma be honest man.. i dont even know what to say about anything anymore. i just keep sinking deeper and deeper. the pressure is literally crushing me at this point and i dont know how im gonna survive.

[themoonandmaryjane]

i love him.

there's no denying that.

i cry for him.

there's no shame in that.

im consumed by him.

there's no escaping that.