Well
Back to the depressing blog. I haven’t been here for a while as some of you may know because I found my soulmate and I have been so happy for the first time in my life - and I fucked it up. I don’t know why I expected it to last. I was stupid. I let my insecurities and my inability to let myself be loved consume me and I drove her crazy. She’s perfect, a fucking angel. I really tried to be awesome to her, and I think in a lot of ways I was. But I don’t think I’m supposed to be happy. I lied to her about something so stupid, I can’t believe I did it. It looked like something much worse, but it was nothing, and because I lied she will never trust me or want me again. And I don’t blame her. I’m a fuckup. All of my close friends have chimed in today to tell me how disappointed they are in me. One of them will likely kill me for it. She was the only thing I ever loved, the only person that ever made me feel okay. She gave me a reason to go on. I had hope for the future, of being happy together. As usual, I just ruined it. It’s my greatest regret and I will never get over it. There is nobody else like her in the whole world. She loved me so purely but I just had to be a dumbass like I tend to be. I’m glad she found out I lied to her. She deserves better. Anyone as good as her does. I am finally at rock bottom, drinking scotch in a bar full of douchbags, ignoring deadlines and responsibilities with my kids Facebook posting their general disappointment in me. Everything sucks so much. Fuck this. I’m tired of everything forever. I am just done.
