The Mother Runner

bonnie/mom/wife/runner

[themotherrunner]

Here's some photos to catch you up.

[themotherrunner]

Where were we...?

I felt a kind of weird twinge when I downloaded the app again. I don’t know… maybe this will be my only post - but I feel like being more *real* in some space. I kind of have a lot of thoughts and feelings and some spillover. Why I can’t journal in a book like oprah tells me, we will never know. Maybe I’m an attention-whore, but here I am anyways. I find I can only really be honest on the internet for a spurt of time before I feel self-conscious or like there’s people watching me make an idiot of myself. But, alas.

Where am I at?

- my mom died last August (2016) from brain cancer. It all felt like some really terrible movie. I’m glad it’s over. - things got weird with her boyfriend, I kind of had to break up with him on my dead deaf mothers behalf. #awkward - before my mom died, someone I had worked with for a long, long time decided to declare his love/attraction for me on a work trip in New York. While I was having a vulnerable moment talking about my mom with cancer. That didn’t go over so well in a lot of ways. I felt pretty embarrassed by the whole thing and that i had to escalate the situation with my employer - so I never really talked about it to many people. - I got knocked up, found out a couple of weeks after my mom died. HEYO! - I quit my longtime job in higher ed (see:sexual harassment, above) made the jump to sports marketing doing my dream gig for the best brand in the world. I pinch myself everyday, it’s too damn good. I think my mom helped line the stars up for me. Thanks bae 😘 - I’ve been executor of my moms estate and that’s had some harrowing moments (see: breaking up with dead moms bf, above) - we had a couple of weeks at the end of April that I’m trying to block out. It involves a torn off roof, windstorm, and then in a strange turn of events, gasoline being spilled through that roof. - my best friend had her sweet baby boy and I got to be there for it, it was absolutely amazing. - I had a healthy, happy baby boy in May 2017 - we named him Sydney Ira, he is absolutely perfect in every possible way. EBERETT is a champion big brother. - I just started running again and, holy hell, where am I supposed to find the time?

So that’s where we are at, currently. It’s summer, babies, and I try to have all the beer or wine I can find the time for.

[lhrry]

Can we fucking skip the last four days of this year I’m done

[thenightbaker]

Me going into 2017 like:

I’m one with the force the force is with me I’m one with the force the force is with me I’m one with the force the force is with me I’m one with the force the force is with me I’m one with the force the force is with me I’m one with the force the force is with me I’m one with the force the force is with me I’m one with the force the force is with me I’m one with the force the force is with me

[attndotcom]

[humansofnewyork]

“The hardest part of first grade is ‘eleven plus eleven’ because a lot of the class don’t be knowing that.“

[themotherrunner]

Mothering without a mother.

I really like the Longest, Shortest Time podcast and just listened to one where they feature Casey Wilson and she talks about losing her mom prior to true career success and then having her baby without her mom around. 

My mom has been gone for nearly three months and it just still feels too big to get my mind around. I remember feeling the same way when my grandma passed, but this feels so much more significant in a different and biological way. Yesterday was my birthday and this was the first birthday of my life that she wasn’t there. No silly video texted. No surprise cake from her. 

My birthday was always as much about my mom as it was about me. 

I set up a tiny heart-urn with her ashes, a photo of her, and a candle. I wanted her to be with us. The night prior I just cried and cried and thought I would never stop crying. I cried that way you do where you feel like you can’t breathe and might die. 

I feel my mom with me most of the times and then sometimes there’s nothing at all. A lot of the time I feel pretty numb and unable to give of myself outside of my tiny circle. I still talk a lot about my mom as if she were here, but I am pretty liberal to say she just passed to perfect strangers - it feels better to acknowledge her and that this big thing just happened to me. 

When it comes to being pregnant, my emotions are super unwieldy, which in a way is good because I feel like otherwise I would drink or workout too much to avoid the feelings. This way I just have to go through it and I hope in the long run that’s better for me. 

I have heard a lot that “you are never too young to lose your mother”, but I honestly think that’s bullshit. You can be sad about losing anyone no matter what the circumstances are - that’s only for you. You’re the only one that has to feel those feelings for yourself and you determine the meaning of the loss. For me, our time was cut short, we will miss a lot of life together, and I have felt like I have lost my personal cheerleader and I am not really quite up to being that cheerleader for myself. 

I feel tired and cynical.

I know everything will eventually be okay, but this loss will stay with me. I know I have the greatest people surrounding me that are patient with me and that will likely be the thing that makes everything okay. I know that birthdays and holidays will always be sad, but we will find a new normal. 

I got a new job and it’s totally my dream job and makes me feel like a million bucks - but my mom isn’t here to see my success and that somehow makes it feel less important. It just does. She was so deeply and profoundly proud of me in a way I didn’t quite comprehend until she was gone. She would’ve been the happiest about these changes for me. 

The other night when I was crying, I just pictured her sitting next to me on the bed, sitting up and just kneading on me. She would be so sad to see me so sad, but here we are. I would be heartbroken to see Everett so sad, so that kind of gives me more of an idea of how she would feel.

This was a brain dump.

[themotherrunner]

Those new job feels. 

[micdotcom]

Watch: Michelle Obama’s speech on the Trump tapes should be required viewing for all Americans

[themotherrunner]

tfw even thought your life feels like mostly a trash heap you keep pushing, you keep showing up, you keep saying “im good and worth it” - and then something bigger agrees with you. 

That’s what I am here for. FOR REAL.

[nevver]

Whatever happened

[boyswanna-be-her]

This is art.

[princesconsuela]

[vinebest]

frickin bats

[coffeepotsmokin-deactivated2018]

@jellybeandreammachine the only Halloween vine that matters tbh

[saraaadezzz]

hey friendos! if you would be so kind as to follow the link below and like the goofy picture of me and my mom scuba diving, I would be super grateful! 

We’re going to Tulum in a few weeks and the picture with the most likes wins a free rental car for a week from Easy Way (which everyone says is the best car rental place there), which would be amazing!!! As all you single mamas know, EVERY PENNY COUNTS! 

Click me, please!

[saraaadezzz]

Hey dudes - there’s like 5 hours left on this contest and I’d really like to win so that we can save about four hundred bucks. All you have to do is like a photo - the help would be greatly appreciated!

<3<3<3<3<3

[themotherrunner]

Help @asweetlittlebaby take the win so her and her mama can have a rental car during their big trip together! All it takes is a really quick facebook like. 

[themotherrunner]

The patriarchy is alive and well in my inbox this morning. Dealing with entitled white dudes is not my cup of tea first thing on a Wednesday morning.

There’s a minor upset over a “fancy dinner” for some donors and an implication that *I forgot*. Like, okay, if you as an 80-year-old white man want to go out with a 26-year-old lady professional - I am game. But I was going to give you the option and such. WHATEV.

[pr1nceshawn]

Tips That Can Save Your Kid’s Life.

[hiddlesherethereeverywhere]

THIS IS IMPORTANT 

When I was a child, from the time I was about four and could understand things, my mom told me and my brother that we should have a secret word. That way, if we were ever in trouble or felt unsafe and we didn’t want the people around us to know we needed her to come get us, we could let her know. So she let us pick the word and my brother and I chose the phrase “peanut butter cups.” (I’m happy to share the phrase now since both my brother and I are adults now). 

I used the phrase twice in my life. Once, I was at a friends house when I eight years old. Her dad got really drunk and was throwing things against the wall. I was really scared and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself on the phone when I called my mom to come get me because I didn’t know if he would get more violent if I asked her to come get me. So I called her and was calm and after a couple minutes I asked “Hey mommy, did you get me those peanut butter cups from the store?” And she said “I’ll be right there.” And she came and got me within minutes. 

Second, I was a teenager spending the night at a friends house. Her brother and dad were drinking and they started talking about things that made me uncomfortable - ie: what they liked to do to women. My friend didn’t seem perturbed and said that was normal for them and that I shouldn’t worry. But I was worried because they were really drunk and I was 15 and the only ‘woman’ around that wasn’t related to them. I went in my friends room, told her I needed to call my mom and say goodnight. Before I hung up with her I asked “Next time we go to the store, can we get some peanut butters cups? I’ve been craving them.” And she came and got me, just like that. 

Two incidents, one as a young child, one years later as a teen. Don’t discredit this stuff, it fucking works. My brother used it a few times too. Let your child pick the word and no never, ever, ever, ever get mad at them for using it no matter what it is. 

[titenoute]

DO NOT SCROLL PAST THAT.