Horoscopes By Gil Hizon - Week of October 26 - November 1, 2015
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
So, check it. You are dying to rip a bitch a new asshole, especially since you have the perfect zinger to finish her off. Before you go all old-school Mortal Kombat on her ass, you must ask yourself if your frustrations are really towards this queen, or is there some underlying baggage within yo ass which you are unable to overcome? It may not be about that ho after all…
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
See, usually, you can get away with letting someone know that you’re into him after the first date. Some of us bishes can’t do it without the other person thinking we’re cray-cray; but with you, somehow it works. This week is the exception, hunty. Don’t be putting all those balls in one jockstrap (I think that’s the saying, right?) or that shit will blow up in your facial.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Oh, gurl. All the worrying in the world will not change the outcome of a certain situation, so why spend the fucking energy? This is the perfect opportunity for you to give yourself a break and set yourself free from the obsessing. And the whining. And the nitpicking. I repeat: YOU CAN’T. CONTROL. THIS SHIT. So get yourself a fucktini and enjoy every slurp and swallow of that life juice, mama!
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
All the worries you have about your outside world, must be reigned in, queen! You have bigger-ass problems close to home. Of course, this comes as a shock to you because you had no fucking idea. That’s either because you’re playing dum-dums, thinking that shit will sort itself out without your help, or because you really are a clueless ho. Well, it’s time to step in and tackle that family drama before it takes over your entire life.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Normally, you’re too concerned about everyone’s feelings to be a blunt-ass ho, but this week, I give thee license to be as direct with anyone as you can be with your thoughts on various topics and subjects. I swear to you and yo mama, no one will take offense because errbody’s too busy with their own respective shits–they don’t have time for wishy-washy answers and pontifications.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
You’re not exactly feeling lost in your life, but you’re getting there. It seems as if you’ve been distracted by all the big things hitting your face that you haven’t had the time to figure out where your life is headed. A little contemplation and meditation never hurt nobody–I suggest you start trying out that shit. It shouldn’t be a problem to give yourself a day or two to do this, as your recently cray-cray schedule is about to open the fuck up.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
No matter how prepared you think you are, it won’t be enough when a shitshow balloons into a massive clusterfuck this week. Although it will be manageable, I’m afraid your personal life will have to take a serious backseat to what you’ll be dealing with. Give your loved ones fair warning–don’t just ignore them hos. And when you’re ready to tackle the workload, take a deep breath, and do the hard parts first.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
I’ll just put it out there: your biggest difficulty lies within showing errbody the real you. It’s not that you’re afraid of vulnerability; it’s more like, you have way too many thoughts, ideas and thingamahoozits going on. It’s a challenge to get through all that and figure out what your heart really wants; in turn, it’s hard to share your inner desires with others. This week, try to cut through the concepts. What does you heart fucking want?
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
A-ha! Bitch, I knew it! The last time you acted on impulse, you ended up offending some hos. So, now that the inspiration is striking again, you’re afeard to act on that shit. Although I share your concerns about the past, I also think that that line of thinking is bullshit. Not every time will be like the last, so let your hair down and let that freak flag fly!
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
This is truly the best week to brainstorm your ass off, hunty! So grab yourself a thinking spot, a notepad and a pen so you could write all them ideas down! No concept is too small so make sure you fill up every inch of that page. And once you’re done, pick out your top five and put that shit into motion. You’ll be doing that shit so quick, you’ll even have ample time for a fucktini!
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
You can’t keep a good ho down! This applies to you more than anyone else this week, as you rebound from a month of horridness, rising from the ashes and looking as fucking flaming as evah (right, about that entrance, tho…)! We knew you had it in you, gurl! It’s very crucial that you take advantage of this quick upward mobility before that shit goes back in the fucking vault.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
WARNING: All the passions and desires you want for yourself is in danger of being piled on by other bitches’ needs. And since you’re not a very conflicty person, you might just let that shit happen. Don’t be so hung up on offending other queens. Standing up for yourself won’t turn them hos away, but instead, they will see that you have enough gumption that they’ll start respecting yo fine ass.
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shit show!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!
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