(This got super out of hand so. Sorry)
I think it would makeJax a better person - not automatically, not right away, he has to deal with all the cramps, nausea, all that lame shit he absolutely should not be feeling right now and he's totally dissociating too hard to focus on it, but then one day he feels a kick and it... it's visible.
He can see a tiny paw pushing against the wall of his stomach.
And for a few seconds there is nothing behind the stare before pure terror washes over him and he's feeling faint like in those damn soap operas he's heard Ragatha talk about, how it always felt so overdone and dramatic but it's not, he's really feeling something inside him growing and if that thing dies, he knows it'll take him with it.
For a while, he thinks of the thing in him as an angry, wrathful creature sent from whatever idea Caine had of Hell, clawing at his insides and trying to make him abstract from the stress and strain.
It probably takes a good sit down with the girls to actually convey what the hell is happening to him, how lost and betrayed he feels by the whole notion of pregnancy in an inescapable circus where everyone is losing their fucking minds, and why shouldn't he, too?
But their words are balm to the bruises on his stomach, reshaping his entire thought around the thing inside him. For a while, it's mutual understanding of survival, and he's okay with that - he can live with that if they can too, and then he'd pawn it off on someone who actually cared about the thing enough to keep it.
But over time, the sensation becomes a constant - if he's breathing, if his pulse is racing, he can feel it in them, as well, and slowly they start to become a 'them' more than an 'it'. And it's scary for a while, how the parasite seems to become his own, how he starts to think about names and how he'd hold them when they were out.
And suddenly months pass, he's in labor - god, no one told him it would hurt so fucking bad, he can't tell if he's breaking around them or if the circus is reshaping him, but it starts to blur and then, suddenly, he's holding them, soft and kind of damp but clean enough, curling into his hold with noises only he could make back to them for comfort.
Jax doesn't care if he's at his most vulnerable around everyone in this instant, because it feels like an orchestra flaring to life and color beaming from the thing that was in his stomach, now a small rabbit baby creature swaddled in his arms and it feels like he's taken a fresh breath of air for the first time since Ribbit abstracted, like something unwinds in him and he's in the moment, here with everyone and his kid.
And maybe he can live with himself again.
Anyways that's my thoughts on it.
(Note; I do not know the context of the song sorry)
gamechangershow
ellievsbear
areudirty
pixelskylines
tangentwithtanner
discoholicmusic
titsay
