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Sade Olutola
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@thenerdgetspersonal
It's only 9am and i have to stay in this cafe until 10:20 and i'm already so fucking boreeeeed
I'm trying to get some work done but it's so cold here, thankfully the coffee is good and i'm on my second cup but damn i just wanna go home and nap. Why do i have to be in a random cafe Working
i'm learning that what's meant for me won't cost me myself
Yet againnnnn woke up at 5am and couldn't fall back asleep
I slept 6 hours i think which isn't abominable, but i'll try to squeeze in a nap during my lunch break
I'm nervous for my neuro appointment because what if he's dismissive and what if i can't succintly explain my situation and what if he's like "you're not in pain now so you're fine". And also these past few months of terrible migraines were pretty unprompted, i did not identify any trigger.
So now i have half an hour and i'm too restless to try to sleep but what else am i supposed to do at 6am. And i'm also very very hungry but i'm having breakfast at a cafe so i can work there until my appointment so it's still like 2 hours until i can eat something
I want a new brain i hope my neurologist can hook me up because this one fucking sucks
I would be chill with my tattoo artist taking forever to email me back (i would not) if it wasn't for the fact that i have to plan a whole ass trip to his country specifically around the tattoo and because in the email i said "since the tattoo is on my chest, i'm trans, is that gonna be ok with you?" And i'm 98% sure he'll be like "brother i do not give a fuck" but it's still. What if.
Anyways i hope hope hope tomorrow i get a reply, but i'm not holding my breath
And also tomorrow i have my first neurologist appointment! I'm a bit overwhelmed because i don't really know what i want/need
Like i got anesthetic injected into my brain nerves and i'm fine now, so i'm worried he's gonna dismiss me. But like once this wears off i do not wanna go back to the not being able to leave the bed for days on end other than to work. I just hope i get a good night's sleep and i'm lucid enough tomorrow to explain everything in a coherent and cohesive way. And i hope he gives me something that helps
Feeling so so so anxious about getting a reply from my tattoo artist
And also from the guy i'm trying to get a date with. I didn't know what to say so i said something lame like "i don't know what you like other than Cinema, so maybe we could go for a drink in [centric area that's hip but also kinda woke]" and i have been to literally two bars in that area so if he says yes i'm kinda fucked
It's close to 4pm and i'm in prison (office) until 6, i have lots to do but no fucus at all. Don't even know what to do other than hide in the bathroom for a bit
Life can be so fucking beautiful and fulfilling.....
I have friends who say they love me and appreciate me
I can invite my friends over to a place that's mine and that i am proud of
I can ask people for dates because i think i might be awkward and weird but that's who i am and i know there's people who will like me like that so might as well give people the opportunity to do so
I fucking finally asked for my chest tattoo!!!!! I've been thinking about this tattoo by this tattoo artist for fucking ages, and i finally asked. He is taking his sweet ass time to reply but. I did my part!!
I am literally working at something i enjoy enough and i make money
I have a flat chest and a testosterone dominant body that passes as male 100%
I don't know man, sometimes life is blessed and i feel really happy and relieved of where i am in my life
I'm trying to play it cool asking this guy for a date but i'm running out of steam soooo fucking fast
I said we could meet, he said "sounds fun" but never suggested a day or anything so i just insisted like "does saturday work for you?" And he said no but he can do thursday and "plan whatever you feel like" and like obviously if i'm the one who asked him out i should be the one coming up with the date idea, but i am scareeeed and also like i don't fucking know. Last date i had was a concert party at a squatter centre, last one before that i think was a Jeremy Corbyn talk. I am not used to dating :(((((
I'm still waiting for my tattoo artist to reply either today or tomorrow, today would be lovely, to know if he's willing to do my tattoo and what date works for him. I also finally asked my friends to come to my house so i asked my therapist to change our appointment if possible.
So if that does work i'll have:
Wednesday: neurologist
Thursday: a date with a man
Friday: therapy and house party
That's soooo much i might throw up
But like in a good way
Had a banger of a day!!
I did some stitching while i was supposed to be working, fixing up some broken parts in my vans. I added two rainbows so i think that's gay enough and i'll just do black for the rest (though that is harder because seeing black on black is a struggle)
Then i had a basketball match and i hadn't gone in sooo fucking long because of migraines and shit and i had a lot of fun!! There were many new people in my team so i didn't feel as left out, and one of the good players of my team said i'm good! (It was one of those days where i felt like i was playing and contributing instead of being completely lost and just standing there)
When i got home i had a shower and watched a dan and phil video. I'm also trying to remember to mosturise my legs often because i want my knee to be in tip top condition for my tatoo next week. I already trimed the hair, i think it was a bit too early but i just didn't want to have a big patch on my hairy legs
And the Leeds tattoo artist just published something saying "i'll be getting back to all my emails" so if he doesn't reply tomorrow or the day after i'll DM or email him again
Things are going quite well and i'm so glad 80% of my time is not spent with a headache
Unfortunately i have to go to the office tomorrow but we live and we learn or whatever
Hyperfixation has me wanting to do actual stuff it's crazy
I really like creating chains out of wood. It's a challenging woodworking quick project that requires a lot of thought and problem solving while being quite "mindless" in that you're just handling the piece of wood with one hand and the dremel with the other
The result is super good as a fidget toy and since it's solid wood it should be quite durable
But since i can't do that at home because 1) i don't want to be the annoying neighbour using a dremel 5 hours a day, 2) my roommate might kill me in my sleep if i did and 3) i'm scared of scraping the table or the floor or anything. Not only because i don't want to mess it up but because i'm renting
So i got the idea of looking for a squatter centre that has some kind of woodworking coworking situation where you can go work on your projects without having to pay and all that
I didn't find any so i was like wait... I can just fucking create this. I could go to this one centre that's like 5 stories tall and ask for a little tucked away corner where i can have my woodworking tools and anyone who is on the same boat and wants to do woodwork but doesn't have a place can come and do it!
Obviously i'm way in over my head because i am already incredibly busy and i don't know anyone who would like the idea so i wouldn't know how to get the word around
But honestly this might be a good idea for a long term project. Or even find a different centre that's closer to my house and do it there
I also thought i could do a bunch of chains and sell them at a neurodivergent event and give the profit to some kind of pro palestine org.
Also i need to find good wood to do this witj because my first try was with pine from a pallet and it worked out fine but the wood was old and full of nail holes
And my second try was fir because it was slightly more expensive than pine so i assumed it would be harder but it is super splinty and i had like 4 chains split while i was carving them
I also have a feet of a pallet which is like a 10cm cube and i thought about doing a huge two links chain/conjoined rings. But that would take a ton of work too
And also i got some dremel bits which are too big for this dainty ass task but they're good for removing the bulk of material and rounding out, however when i was removing the bulk if i held it in a specific way it kind of caught on the wood and sent it flying, making the dremel bit hit my finger. I stopped after the third time but now my index and middle finger are a bit banged up
Anyway i should get to work
Tattoo artist still not responding to my email
I sent a risky dm to a guy i matched with on tinder asking to meet up and he said "sounds like fun!" And so i was like "okay so if you like the idea we could decide on a day" and he simply said "of course!!"
Brother give me something moreeeeee. It feels like you're not actually interested so why are you saying yes? And if you are interested why aren't you giving me a crumb? Your schedule? Your free days? A plan? Anything at all????? I hate this
This is like actually crazy i am so happy not even having a coffee with my boss where he spent the whole time talking about Islam is enough to damp it
My basketball team is meeting up tonight and i sort of really want to go, but also i would have no time at home, i would arrive at 22:00 or later, and tomorrow i'm leaving for the weekend, so i don't think it's a great idea
I'm still anxiously waiting for my tattoo artist to reply to my email. He just announced a guest spot for the days right before i wanted (btw rude, i've been following him for years and this is the first time he does a guest spot outside the uk) but he hasn't replied yet. I don't want to be annoying and email him again but like brother i need to look up the flights and accommodation for those days!
I am incredibly sleepy which is weird because my plan worked: instead of taking my sleeping pill at bedtime, i took it at 3am when i woke up. Instead of taking 1:30-2:00h to fall back asleep as usual, it only took 15 mins
All in all i think i slept over 7 hours, which is quite good for a day in the offfice since i have to get up before 7
Anyways i should take a tiny 2 min nap in the bathroom and then get back to work
Today had that whole being sociable vibe that was weird and i still have to reply to like 3 dms
But i'm good and my dad came over to help me and my roommate put up our ceiling fans and!!!!! Love it!!
I've wanted a ceiling fan for ages but i couldn't have it in my old room so now i was like "if i'm gonna change the lamp might as well get a fan" and it's one of those where the fan blades fold into itself so they're not visible when it's off. It's really silent, powerful, and it has a pretty wood colour band. And! I can adjust the light intensity and warmth
I'm really happy with it and so is my roommate. There were several times over the process where we thought we wouldn't make it and the top embellisher thing is held up with tape because there were no instructions and i couldn't find any video so we just had to fucking go for it and do it
It's supposed to be very low energy use so i can keep it on all night or set a timer for x hours when it's like 30°C at midnight like last year
Tomorrow i'm going to the office and i'm so fucking bored of work but i have three reasons why i think it's gonna go good:
1) i can't fuck around and waste time as efficiently when i'm sitting directly across my boss
2) i have realised my sleeping problem is not trouble falling asleep. Is trouble waking up at 4-5am and being unable to fall back asleep. So instead of taking my pill at bedtime i'll take it when i wake up in the middle of the night
3) i'm gonna drink an energy drink i have in the fridge (if i remember to pick it up) and that usually keeps me focused albeit shaky
Yeah i'm really fucking sleepy and it's not even 11pm. I need a break so fucking badly
I'm having a weird day that i can only describe as some type of almost manic state?
I have been completely unable to focus today (and also yesterday). I feel very wired and cannot get any work done.
I dyed my vans (actually just one of them to test. I did ruin it). I made a bloody mess in the bathroom doing it. I put them in the washing machine after.
I cleaned the floor in the living room
I tried to fix my lunch bag magnetic close
I got a like on instagram by a person i met on tinder -we chatted for a bit, never met, never went anywhere, but for some reason we remained mutuals- and with a confidence and boldness unheard of in me i messaged him something, he was like "haha thanks" and i continued the conversation suggesting we get a drink. He said "sounds like fun"
So now i have to decide if i want a date with this guy (i think i do) and suggest something concrete if i do want to do it????
He might be like "sorry not interested" or whatever, it's been forever since we matched on tinder, but still. It was fun talking to him and i felt like i could so i did
Anyways it's only 15:30 so that means i have 2:30 more hours of work and i cannot focus to save my life. Hope things get better in my brain
still so many first times to look forward to
Mannnn life is going great
I got to see the dogs today because my parents went with me to a demonstration against the eviction of an old lady in their neighborhood. I'm glad they supported that, the dog got nervous so we had to leave early (we didn't know what rhe action was about so we didn't know it was going to be noisy)
My dad then came to my home and we tried to hang up my ceiling fan. It does not meet the distance to the walls and to the floors but fuck it we ball
We were missing one part of the wiring so my dad is gonna gome back tomorrow to finish. I had to drill right above my head and my eyes and nose and throat ar filled with dust even tho i tried to wear a dust mask
Now i'm soooo sleepy and i get to sleep until 8am which is great
Tomorrow however i have to find out the way of locking in and working bc today was sooo lazy. Felt like a monday though it was a tuesday
Being happy is fucking wild after a lifetime of being confined and held back
When i was in the UK i was really really happy because i wasn't living home and i was having a lot of fun and meeting a lot of lovely people. But i was so dysphoric it killed me
When i was back home and i transitioned i felt so at peace in my body and so correct but my home life drained me
Yesterday i went to this meeting in my bike and i remembered the last time i had taken my bike somewhere was this other group i used to go to in like 2022 and it was one of the coolest groups of people with some of the best ideas i've seen. I miss it so dearly and if i was there today i would give so much more energy (but back then i didn't have energy to give)
Basically i was biking home and i remembered this and i cried a little because i went to this other meeting with my friend/roommate, i felt like an independent person who could voice my thoughts, and i went home to my house where i have a safe space. It just feels so fucking nice
Anyways i'll try and get some work done. The ceiling fans we ordered might arrive today or tomorrow so fingers crossed
