12/7/19.
It has been so many years since I disappeared from the world I knew.
I often wonder if this is karma, punishing me for being an insolent, cocky brat. Punishing me for leaving my family’s legacy to rot as I chased my dreams. It sometimes makes me question morality in the grand scheme of things. Does the universe see me as wrong for having abandoned my clan, my family...for the selfish dreams of a thoughtless brat? Or does the universe see me as in the right for leaving behind the rigid traditions of a restrictive home life, all in the name of pursuing an purpose in life all my own?
A third side of me silences these two theories, knowing that the truth is that this burden is the result of a universe void of true direction. A universe that holds people accountable for their own paths. A universe that reminds me every day that, had I not lived my fantasy of stardom, I would have completely avoided the tragedy of my enslavement. There are so many things I review in my mind, so many actions that drove me to this hell. So many that it drives me to near-insanity every night. Sometimes I tell myself there is no point in reliving the past. And sometimes I cannot help but to delve into the habit of doing so. It is hard not to think of the past where the future is void of promise.
I do not live with many luxuries, despite what the patrons of the Battle Nexus believe. I would not even be allowed to write this, if Big Mama knew. She would insist there is no use dwelling on depressing thoughts. She may even grow angry. Angry than I had the audacity to treat my life like imprisonment. Angry at the thought that I do not appreciate what I get, that I do not appreciate what she is doing for me. That I do not appreciate being her star, being the slave of this bloodbath held highest in prospect.
It is sickening that there are things I do appreciate in this terrible life. That I am luckier than the other victims of this cruel game. That I should be grateful things are not worse.
The longer I stew in these terms, the longer I accept the smallest things as a mercy. As a grace. Just as she wishes.
-Y
