how many male novelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The terrible sex had made him feel deeply interesting, like a murder victim.
A: The beast, which had represented his feelings, was dead. âI think Iâll do a pushup,â he announced to the sea. The sea respected him for it.
A: [4000 words from the narrator about his feelings on his childhood circumcision]
A: He straightened his tie. He had lost, but in a romantic way, which meant that he had won. âIâm going to do a pushup,â he announced to his tie. His tie respected him for it, and secretly wished that it could have sex with him.
A: You wouldnât understand.
A: He swore curses at his coworkers. He was making a lot of money. Fuck.
A: This neighborhood in New York City was very different from the other neighborhood in New York City heâd just been in.
A: He lit a cigarette. His glass of whiskey lit a cigarette too. âI can only truly love my best friend,â he said, âbut not in a gay way. Women wouldnât understand it. Theyâre too gay.â Both of the cigarettes agreed.
A: [4000 words about an isolated encounter with a service worker that borders on racist and goes nowhere]
A: âThe cocaine isnât the point. The cocaine is a metaphor,â he explained wearily over the pile of cocaine. She folded her arms. She didnât understand his cocaine. âDidnât you read my manifesto?â The prostitute had read his manifesto. Why couldnât she?
A: This lightbulb is inauthentic.
A: âItâs only the institution I have a problem with,â he explained to the empty bar.
A: The time had come for him to go to war, and also find himself, and also reject the rules of your society.
A: His alcoholism was different, because someday he was going to die.
A: [Nothing happens for 450 pages; receives fourteen awards]
