trigger warning before you read this, large mentions of eating disorder, depression, and self-harm, read with caution.
There is something wrong with Wolf, but he will not talk to us or tell us what is wrong. He’s been meaner to all of us recently, isolating himself in his room more and more, sometimes he will stay in his room for such a long time and dad will have to drag him out by his shirt. That happened a couple of nights ago, Wolf had only been out of his room four or five times, all to use the bathroom, and he was refusing to eat anything. Dad went up there and tried to be nice about it, but Wolf started yelling things like, “I don’t feel good, just leave me alone!” and, “I’m not hungry, I’m fine!”, and more stuff I will not write down. Dad got really upset and broke down the door, not to hurt him or anything, he just dragged him to the dinner table. He still didn’t eat anything, after a while he just got up and threw it away before going back to his room. I know it is scaring our mom, since I heard her and dad fighting in the kitchen that night, whispering about getting him help by sending him away to a hospital. It is starting to scare me now, I’ve heard nothing but bad things about hospitals like those, I don’t want to lose Wolf, he's my best friend.. I tried talking to him today though, but he didn't talk much. I sat outside his door and talked about going back to school and whatever I could think of. I left though, I could tell he didn’t want me to talk to him. I hope he starts getting better soon..
I heard Wolf crying last night, it wasn’t loud, it was noticeable though. I think I was the only one who heard it because my room is right next to his room. It went on for at least fifteen minutes before it stopped. I went out to check on him, but he was already walking out of his room. He stopped when he saw me, I saw him gripping his upper arm tightly, I think I saw blood coming from in between his fingers, it was too dark though. He had some sort of regret and sadness in his face. I went back into my room though, I didn’t say anything to him, I was too scared to. I listened though, I heard him go to the bathroom, close the door, and start wincing quietly. I think he did get hurt, I don’t know what could have hurt him in his room though, he's completely alone in there. I keep hearing mom crying too though, especially when Wolf doesn’t come down and eat. It's been like this for almost a month, just as long as Wolf has been like this. I thought about telling our parents about what I saw last night, but I decided not to, I think it would make Wolf feel worse than he already feels. I have no idea what caused Wolf to act like this, but I don’t think any of us do.. He was fine a few days before this started, then he just switched up, I don’t remember anything causing it. One day he is fine and then the next he is acting like this. Mom has been trying to talk to him through the door, sometimes she will try and go in, but it is always locked. I know it hurts her, because I always watch her expression fall when she realises it is locked. Though dad has been harsher to him recently, which causes so many arguments between them. Just this morning he started yelling at Wolf for not coming down for breakfast again, I don’t know why he would do that, it is not Wolf’s fault. Dad started saying Wolf wasn’t a man and that he was acting like a disappointment, he also said he wasn’t acting like the boy he’d raised him to be. I think that hurt Wolf very deeply, since Wolf started yelling and saying vulgar things to dad until dad just left. It made me sad for some reason, it made me sad to see Wolf act so out of character.
Wolf threw up last night after dinner, mom and dad didn’t hear it though, I think they were outside in the backyard. I went and checked on him when I first heard the gagging start, he would not let me in though. I knocked and tried talking to him through the door, even after he stopped. When Wolf opened the door I asked him what was wrong with him, but all he said was, “I’m sorry, Maria..”. Before he gently pushed past me to go back to his room. I do not know why he threw up, I thought the dinner tasted fine, maybe he is sick or something. Wolf looked really tired though, I don’t know how to put it into words, but he looked like he’d been sleeping badly. He also was wearing the same hoodie he has been wearing for weeks now, and there is now a stain on the sleeve, but it was unnoticeable. I think I am going to tell mom and dad this time..
I just told mom and dad that Wolf threw up after dinner, I regret it though. Dad is currently yelling at Wolf through his door, so is mom.. Mom isn’t mad like dad though, she is just begging Wolf to talk to her and to come out of his room, but dad is mad at him for something. I don’t understand it, he keeps yelling about sending him to a hospital. Wolf is denying the help and denying being unwell, and mom is insisting depression. I don’t know what that word means, but I think Wolf does. He is denying it more and more, mom and dad are giving up though. I hope they will stop yelling at Wolf like this and try to be more gentle with him.
Something big happened today, something really bad with Wolf. Today was the second day of him not eating, at least to our knowledge. Dad went and yelled at him through the door again, yelling at him to eat or else his scholarship to college is at stake and he's not gonna make the hockey team if he doesn’t eat anything soon. I think I understand why dad is yelling now, I think it is the only way he can be concerned, by yelling. Anyway, Wolf said go away and I guess it made dad extra mad or extra concerned because he forced the door open like last time. When I heard it I went out and watched it, I don’t know why, maybe it was concern. He managed to drag Wolf in the hallway, and I noticed Wolf was wearing a different hoodie, a zip up one, but it was unzipped. Dad had a hold on Wolf’s right sleeve and when Wolf started resisting and tugging backwards his arm slipped out of the sleeve. He had a tank top underneath, and his upper arm was in full view for everyone, it all happened right in front of my doorway, where I was. I saw Wolf freeze up and dad flip around, I don’t remember dads facial expression, I was still looking at Wolf's upper arm. It had these cuts all over it, some deep, some not so deep, some old, and some new. Some of them were white lines, but a lot of them were various shades of red. Wolf started shaking slightly before anyone said anything though. Dad was still staring at Wolf’s arm by the time I looked at him, before dad grabbed Wolf’s upper arm and looked at it closer. Wolf was muttering excuses but dad started yelling about Wolf cutting himself. I saw Wolf tug out of his grip and start yelling back, angry and mean stuff, but I do not think he meant any of it. HIs voice was.. Shaking, that is the word for it. Mom came upstairs after dad started yelling, Wolf had already put his jacket back on and covered his upper arm with his hand. Dad told mom though, that Wolf was cutting himself. I think that means intentionally hurting yourself, I don’t know why Wolf would do something like that. Mom started crying and asking Wolf why over and over again, while dad kept yelling at him for being weak. I think this time it was more so anger rather than concern. Wolf wasn’t saying anything, but I saw he kept glancing at me, almost like he didn’t want me to see this or see what was happening. Wolf shoved past both of them and I think muttered, “Don’t do this in front of Maria, please..” before he walked downstairs. They followed him quickly, I just shut my door. They are all still downstairs, but I can’t hear them anymore. They are being too quiet, it is starting to freak me out. I can make out their voices, I can very slightly hear mom and dads voices, but I cannot make out what they are saying to Wolf, and I do not hear Wolf’s voice at all. I think they’re going to send Wolf away.
We just got home from dropping Wolf off at the hospital, it is very far away, I think almost two hours. Mom has been crying nonstop since we dropped him off, and dad has been awfully silent after too. They took him to the doctors a few days ago, I heard them talking about it when they got home and Wolf went back to his room. I sat on the stairs listening, they were talking about how the doctor said he has an eating disorder and depression. I’m not too sure what either of those words mean, but I think it is a bad thing to have. Mom kept talking about how he is too young for any of this, dad was agreeing. I guess that is why they took him to the hospital for a while. It feels empty in the house without him, and heavier I think. I think he is there for three or four months, at least, that is what I heard being told to mom and dad, I was too focused on Wolf. He looked bad, it was one of the first times I had actually seen him in a month I think, he still had a hoodie on, and his arms crossed, like he was trying to hide himself. Maybe he felt ashamed, I hope he didn’t, I do not think he can control it. I hugged him before we left, he hugged back and told me that he loves me and to not get into any kind of trouble. I think that is why mom was crying, because I noticed her tear up after that, she only started crying when we walked out. I hope Wolf will be better when he gets home, I miss my brother.
Wolf got home today, I do not think it helped him, at all. I mean, he seems better, he took off his jacket finally and started eating in front of us again, but something about him is different. He is quiet, he usually talks about hockey or practice or anything, but he is just silent. He hangs out with us, but he just won’t talk, he will just sit there, not saying anything unless spoken to directly. He goes back to school tomorrow, maybe that will make him talk to us. Mom and dad have not noticed, I do not think they have anyway. I think they are just happy he is home and eating. Maybe Wolf is just getting used to being back at home, maybe he’ll be ok soon.
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