rossellelelele :) @theobservantsperspective - Tumblr Blog

What a November!

These past few nights have been disturbing. I've been sleeping with the lights on just because a nightmare is expected every night, and I had to push the negative energy away.

Earlier this month, I expected something good to happen on November 26. Almost 6 years ago, I had a romantic encounter. Two years ago, some random stranger predicted that I was going to pass the board exam. Although last year wasn't really good, it helped me become stronger as a human being. It is unpredictable, isn't it? This year, two important people hurt me.

To You: please understand how it was difficult for me to open up. I was making sure I wasn't taking advantage of your expertise. It had a big impact on how I socialize with people.

To the other One: No more. I'm done with you. I could never forgive you anymore. You are a living reminder of what I should have been preparing.

I've been isolating myself for days. I haven't been able to post a selfie in a while (as a weekly homework suggested by my therapist). Up until now, it has been difficult for me to initiate a hangout with friends because I feel that I am too much. Nevertheless, my social needs are deteriorating.

~ Ross

November 26, 2024

life is in the middle-- can be dark sometime, but colorful most of the time. Photo source: Melissa Benoist

my favorite playlist at the moment

The Bearer’s Trait

That one trait that I’ve been avoiding, I got it. In fact, that is a major trait that have ruined my life and also others lives. That one trait that has vanished, but came back with conscience and guilt. That one trait that made me not to trust people anymore, but it happened again. People may not trust me anymore because of that one trait.

How can I practice my profession, if I am living with that trait?

I am sad because of this. I am not the one playing the victim here, but the bearer is. These toxic traits that I can never accept, I have it. I’ve been away with this trait because I was facing maturity. Looks like I am not mature enough for the real world. If I keep on doing this, I may not be rewarded with a long lasting relationship. In fact, I think I already lost my bestfriend.

I want to leave and face my whole life alone. No one will ever trust me because of this trait. What the fuck is wrong with me? I get so upset whenever people are blaming me of their mistake, but this time, I actually made a mistake. And I admit it. Didn’t know that this is how committing a mistake feels. I can’t even describe it. I think I do not deserve to live, especially with this kind of trait.

I am so mad to the bearer of the trait, and at the same time, I know I always have a choice to make. I am so stupid. Why can’t be thankful for having that trait? I’m sure it also has its good side, but the bad side is fucking dominant.

The only thing that I am thankful of, is that I admitted my mistake which made me away from another trait that I was also avoiding. All I want right now is to leave. I don’t want people. I don’t want to have friends anymore because they do not deserve me. I fucking destroyed everything. The history, the relationship, and fucking everything. I wanted to pay everything I owe and be a stone after. I wanted to die... I fucking self harmed again because I don’t want to die. I know this mistake does not define my whole life ahead, but why do it feels like it? I feel like I don’t want to be friends with anyone right now. I am so sad. I don’t even know how to end this.

I took a break from social media to reflect—

I get sad whenever I explode. That everytime I explode, I can almost break my relationship towards people— whether family or friends.I get sad because I feel guilty when I explode, he won’t even talk to me until now— it has been a week I have been sad for 2 weeks now. There is this one day when I locked myself in my room, and then fell asleep. I don’t usually lock the door when sleeping because we do not know there might be an emergency.This one day that I slept absorbing all the sadness that I got due to stress.

And then, I woke up.I woke up sad, with the dark aura all surrounding me, and it’s not even dark yet to see darkness already, it was just past 5PM. Not to mention, I almost committed suicide that day, but then, I suddenly realized that life is not worth taking. All my lifetime goals flashed for a moment.

Locked up in my room for three days, and I am still here in my room, choosing not to make a move because I wasn’t taught to make one. That one day when I suddenly became out of my mind, exploded, shouting and not appreciating the at-the-moment events. Of course, people will react as if you were the bad person. Not realizing that I am a human, I get sad, I get tired, I explode. Nevertheless they are human too, who gets sad, who gets tired, and who gets offended.

Why can’t I just appreciate everything? Why did we need to explode? Why did I ask for emotional support, when I already knew they won’t be able to give it

#sad #i give up

I don’t think that they love me. I think they do love me conditionally. I think they love me not because I exist, but because every individual must be loved at all times. They have taken my heart away, so faraway that I couldn’t find it near me. A heart that was not just ripped off, but frozen enough for me to become heartless. I know that being numb has always been a problem to me, but even though I knew I was numb, I still do not feel anything to the point that I do not feel anything at all. Because of what has been happening, I decided to take my heart out of my body since it has been frozen for a long time. From now on, I shall be heartless, unable to feel.

My last message for my TOXIC colleague

List of the good things I’ve done to you:

1. I sacrificed my potential feelings for a guy I like. I told you that I really liked him because you were one of my friends before. But what did you do? You talked to that guy and surprise! you’re in love! ❤️ you even gave me feedback that he was not really good looking #FriendshipLove

2. I helped you in our Chemistry course becase you needed my help. I tried even though I wasn’t so sure about my knowledge, but you got a better grade than mine. #NotABigDeal

3. We were in Cioccolata that day when I let you use my load to contact all the contact persons for your 18th birthday. You needed to contact those people because your debut was on the next day, and few things must be arranged. You also have a business in loading that time, but you didn’t have load for your personal matter. Of course, as a friend, I understood that you were saving money.

4. When you told me that you were jealous with me and my bestfriend, I’ve TRIED balancing our friendship because I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. I am sorry if you felt jealous and left out, but ‘forcing friendships’ can never work out.

5. When you were asking for a file that I sent a couple of weeks ago, I still send it to you even though I get irritated because I sent it already, and all you need to do is to find the file. I understand that the file may be too far, but you were demanding and I was also too far from my laptop.

6. I still entertain you even though I wanted to have time for myself and be alone. I still talk to you even if you lack respect on my ‘me’ time.

7. I sent you formats, even though there is no format, because you needed a format before you can start your work.

8. I always make sure that you knew the announcements whenever you’re not present because you are also a student and you deserve to know it.

9. I still welcome you in my house even though you always complain whenever you’re not comfortable. I’m sorry if my bed was too short for you. I’m sorry if your feet was not comfortable. That motivates me to have a big house when I get older, but I’m never inviting you.

10. I don’t always make effort on quizzes because you will always feel bad whenever I am higher than you. I didn’t want you to feel bad because I was trying my best at everything

11. I begged our prof if we could be in the same company for our specializations class because you cannot find one.

12. I helped you gain participants for your possible MA thesis because we commit to help each other. I never want participants in return, but support is the least that you can do.

And the rest is etcetera...

I didn’t want to take back all of the good things I did to you because that is never the definition of friendship— anyway, we ain’t friends anymore.

To be fair, here is the list of all the things I hate about you:

1. You are a crab. You like bringing me down, so you can get ahead of me and look me down. To be honest, I never wanted to compete. I just do my best at everything, so I won’t be disturbed by my consequences.

2. You overthink too much that you hold grudges to hate other people who do no harm to you. I remember when you asked me if I wasn’t overthinking because you thought that I didn’t seem to understand what overthinking is like. Well, my answer is that, yes I overthink, but I do not get to the point where I hate people and hold grudges where I fight below the belt. I understand that sometimes I feel that a certain person hates me, but as long as they do not humiliate me, attack me or harm me, I believe there’s no reason to attack them as well.

3. I hate it when you do not respect my alone time. I forgive you on that, but talking to me while the class is on going??? Wtf is wrong with you?? I am trying to listen to the discussion, and then there you were, asking stupid and nonsense questions unrelated to the topic. The next time you will do this to other people, take this advice from me, ask after the discussion. Or maybe you knew that I was having a hard time focusing, that’s why you take advantage of it so you can be ahead of me. Again, I am not here for competition.

4. I hate it whenever you keep talking and talking. It’s okay to talk, but I hope you find a place for that. I just don’t understand that you show to us that you’re shy, yet you feel confident and prideful talking loudly in quiet places??? I am sorry, I’m just not in fond of squammy people. Please understand why we are not friends.

5. I hate it whenever you request a file from me that I have already sent. Don’t you know how to save?? Or don’t you know how to scroll on the right side of messenger???

6. It pisses me off whenever you are unable to finish your food. You cry like we are forcing you to finish what’s on your plate. Another piece of advice: get only what you can consume.

You cannot fully like a person, and that’s normal because nobody’s perfect.

What I want to point out is that of all the good things I did to you, you still managed to stab me behind my back?

Let me just remind you all the things you’ve done that I didn’t deserve:

1. You knew the requirements for final submission, yet we didn’t hear any single word from you. While here, we still maintain professionalism and update you with every announcement that we know.

2. You told our clinical supervisor that OJT isn’t our priority because you also have school requirements, yet you still manage to have time for OJT. Well you know what? I am thankful because I’ll never see your face again on my remaining days in NCMH.

3. You play victim. You manipulate other people by telling them that we’ve bullied you. To be honest, we never harmed you in any way to the point that you’re going to file a complaint to Tulfo? What the hell is wrong with you?

4. When we were on our way to UPLB, I told you that we were going to ride JAM on the way to Los Baños. When you asked the conductor what time will the bus arrive, the conductor told that we were on the wrong station. To be honest, I asked who knew how to get to LB. No one answered, so I searched on the internet on how to get to LB and it directed me to the station where we were. I was pissed because you showed to me that you knew how to get to LB, and YOU KNEW THAT WE WERE ON THE WRONG STATION. Why did you not tell me??? So I would look stupid to the face of your sister???? Did she know that I didn’t know how to get to LB? Did she know that I asked? No! Because you were the victim here. That’s why she looked at me like I am the most stupid and most mean person in the world.

All of this because you were left out??? Considering that being left out is not really a good feeling, why did you get to the point that you’ve had an ideation of slapping our faces???? WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU??? WHY ARE YOU SPREADING THAT WE ARE A BAD PERSON????? WHY????

You were requesting for a friendship, but I never felt your support. I’ve always felt that you want to compete. You always want to be at the top— as if I care.

I hope you find peace within you. I hope you stop stabbing me behind your back. You know what’s the best part? I’m still praying and hoping for the best in you. If you’ve hated me, why did you stay? So you can take advantage of me? Because If I were you, I will let go of the people who I do not get along.

thanks for reading

written this on a bad day

18:40 | 3rd of July, 2019

Mandaluyong is a place for sad people

It’s sad because everytime I go there, it makes me remember that one incident that I wasn’t able to witness, but I was able to feel. That triggering incident that made my tears pour and definitely became more emotional than I thought. That incident where I realized that I was a disappointment, I let people down by giving my best to something else.

It’s sad because everytime I step my foot between the Manila- Mandaluyong border, I remember how I disrespected our protocols and felt like I am carrying the whole world on my shoulders. I heard every single word that they’ve expected so much on us. That we trusted our instincts and felt the biggest consequence the universe could give us.

Nevertheless, we became bad shots. I became more than a bad shot— A shot that went through the heart and had its complications. I was late everytime. I was unmotivated to finish what I’ve started. I wasn’t even doing my best to make a diagnosis and think of a better solution to save the heart with a very big and heavy bullet.

What I have learned from my experience is that to never trust anyone. And we, who’s ahead, shouldn’t be trusted all the time. We all make mistakes, but nothing is higher with the mistake that we made. Because of our mistake, we can make people go to jail; we fucking disrespected a portion of ethics in which we didn’t release the full results to the referral— yes a portion, but still, it’s ethics; and lastly, we decided for our own good and being numb of the consequences.

And the most of all, we exerted effort to make someone better, and still asking for her favor back. I realized that not every family must be considered a part of it. There are people who will take advantage of you and making their pride higher thatn their guilt.

I am sorry for what we did, for what I did to let you down. For bringing our school’s reputation down, for disrespecting every rule in the institution, for letting you trust us. In this training ground, I realized that this should be the ticket to worklife, and having these mistakes won’t let me or us get the job that we deserve.

And yes, Mandaluyong is still a place for sad people.

JUNE 5, 2019 | 00:21

“The lights are so bright, but they never blind me” —Taylor Swift, Welcome to New York

It’s so damn bright, that I’ve seen what I must not have seen too early.....that it was all part of the act

It’s all part of the act

When the director told you to sign a contract with a best actress,

You signed because it will make you famous.

It’s all part of the act

When your manager told you to give something to the best actress, you did because you wanted to earn more.

It’s all part of the act

When the manager told you to go on an event together, though it is against your will, you did so the media can sell your captured monents together.

When we were interviewed on a talk show together, we both denied everything, disappointing all of your fans, because it is just part of the act —and it is still trending!

In this playing world, we are both on the stage, playing the act and making the audience believe that our act was real, when it has not been real at all.

Learning to love myself

It was today (2-24-19) when I finally realized that I love everything about my body. I love how my shape looks perfect— not too thin, not too fat. Everything is just perfect.

But how can I love my body—and myself, if my environment doesn’t allow me to? People say that I should ignore those criticisms, but how can I avoid criticisms if it is the only thing that I can do from their expectations?

Nevertheless, no matter how I accept my body, THEY still perceive me as a big & fat girl who can occupy 2 seats in any means of transportation. I accept the fact that I was too fat way back highschool, but I did my very best to reduce weight. From one cup of rice to cups of red rice; from exercising regularly at 5AM; until I realized that the more I restrict myself from food, the more I will binge eat.

But no matter how much effort is exerted, they never realized what I’ve done. They still remind me that I should take action before the driver asked for double fare for me.

I wanted to get out of this world full of criticisms.

I wanted to be free from all the judgments.

This photo was taken last summer of 2018. I was too shy to post.

PERIWINKLE playlist is a collection of songs that will help cure whatever problem you are dealing right now

#promotementalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #awareness

4 things I learned from my clients

Most cases I’ve handled in National Center for Mental Health were about abandonment, and here are the things that I learned from it:

1. Do not ask for him to come back for the sake of your dreams. It will be depressing for you to wait because he’ll never come back.

2. Despite the pain, be thankful for their existence. They still made you happy.

3. Be contented. You will always find something that’s missing, but what if it it not destined for you to have it?

4. Trust your instincts, plan ahead, and prepare yourself for the unexpected pain.

This is for all the wives who were left by their husbands.

(Cont.)

This photo was taken yesterday (02-23-19). My bestfriend told me I should keep this photo for remembrance. What is not present in this photo is the antecedent of that smile.

That wasn’t a smile before. It was me having a mental breakdown before class. It was me crying because I didn’t know what to do with my life; I didn’t know why should I even exist. Those thoughts have been in my head since friday night. I just couldn’t cry that night, I don’t even know why, maybe I’m out of tears to cry.

The reason I was smiling in this photo is that I was putting liptint, so I would look normal. But my bestfriend clicked the shutter and so the photo was taken.

I had friends who could help me, but I chose to stay silent, and didn’t ask for help. Funny thing is that I get to promote mental health, but I couldn’t apply it to myself. We even have our circle’s support group, but I was shy because I’m not the person who would not open up about me and my problems.

I tried opening up yesterday, I gave hints that I was not okay, but I overthink that no one would care.

24th of February, 2019 | 18:00

To the person who made me feel special, thank you!

to the person who made me feel special, thank you for the those countless moments I would feel very happy. I was really happy.

to the person who made me feel special, thank you for taking advantage of me.

to the person who made me feel special, thank you for the experience. I did learn my lesson. I hope my mistake will never ever happen again. I was so numb that I never realized it earlier, and didn’t listen to my friends.

to the person who made me feel special, I am really thankful from the bottom of my heart.

This piece is for my friend, Camille. I hope this will help you move on. ❤️

-R

IF I FALL

If I fall

I won’t tell you

Cause why should you care?

If I fall

I won’t leave

Cause you make me happy

If I fall

I will stay

Cause I will never leave a friend...a close friend

If I fall

I will just keep it to myself

Cause It’s scary to let out your feelings

and I don’t want to be your obligation

If I fall

what about it?

This is to prepare myself If I fall, but since I do not know the concept of falling in love, It might be hard for me to determine.

This is for my friend, who has fallen inlove, but doesn’t want to tell the guy

If the good God is dominant

I was born and raised a Catholic.

Before, missing one Sunday frustrates me so bad but that was before...

I don’t go to church anymore after I finished highschool— was even told by others that I am such bad person for not going to churches.

but yes, I DO BELIEVE IN GOD

not going to church doesn’t mean I already ended my relationship with him, but we actually became more closer with each other.

YES, I do believe in God

but I think Satan is the dominant God in this world. Why? if the good God is the dominant,then why are wars still existing?Isn’t it if God really loves us, he would not let these happen to us?

if the good God is the dominant,then why do good and honest people die?

Isn’t it if God really wanted peace, he would let these people lead? maybe the dominant God kills them to prevent them from doing good deeds....to prevent peace.

Would you care to speculate....?

I actually do not care which God is the superior, but let me tell you one thing... believing in God has got to be one of the best things I ever did,having a relationship with God makes us have hope despite all the bad things that had happened...maybe my God is not too strong to empower the superior God, but one thing is for sure, he helps makes me stay positive at all times...

Wrote this because someone from my family asked me to go to church, but I do not want to...

#godoverreligion #god #goodgod

Dear assessment partner: this can be one of your references

I’ve been lying to you all these years. I have told you that I am very happy with my family, but the truth is I just realized I have family problems that I have been carrying my whole life.

Yes it’s sad

during our interview I never told you that I am dealing with this kind of problem because I did not want you to know even if you told me it’s okay because you won’t judge

but this sadness reached its limit, and I can’t handle it anymore.

I am writing this because you know me, as your bestfriend, never knew how to open up about this kind of problem.

But here it is:

my mother: is full of pride, always blames me even if it’s not only me whose to be blamed, and never respect me whenever I want some alone and private time + she’s also a judgmental and manipulative. I hope she realizes why I look like I did not want to help her whenever she’s sick, because I did not know how to help.

my father: is also full of pride, but he’s 20% lower than my mother. He doesn’t want me to cry and he doesn’t want me to feel bad to every sadness I wanted to cry on. I understand that he wanted me to be strong, but I think I am strong enough that I became cold hearted with everything, not being able to feel anything and having no empathy with my loved ones.

Both of them: did and do not know how to listen. Whenever I want to open up things about my life, they usually open up another topic and disregard mine. Can you now see how sad my life was, is and will be? If my dad’s pride wasn’t 20% lower, they would have been separated years ago. I think it’s been sex that keeps their love alive

They ask me why I don’t make effort to wake up early for breakfast, I can’t tell them that I do not need to join breakfasts anymore because even if I am with them, I feel alone.

All they care was my grades—even though I make effort to attain high grades, they still do not appreciate it. I am pissed whenever they say very good rather than a good job. Yes I am thankful because I can have what I need, I am able to travel to different places, but there’s something missing…..I did not know where I left it….my heart Now I understand why some classmates of mine would choose to stay at school than in their home because I am experiencing it too.

I don’t know if I will thank my course—psychology, for somehow bringing a piece of my heart back or making me have these realizations that makes me hold grudge against my family.

But despite of these, I thank you, and other friends for being at my side all the time.

I love them, I really do because sadness is just a part of my life and with that I learned to accept and forget the unpleasant things that had happened. If you weren’t with me, I would have been a lot sadder by now, but because they made me strong, I am not, and still thinking of the happy moments me and my family had.

Thank you for reading this

Love,R

Ps. I am not crying. I do not know, but I am not able to cry anymore….maybe my tears are now dry, or maybe I am too strong again for me to cry at every sad moment.

to my future husband, I hope we do not end, like my parents, to our future children

LOOK AT THAT CHILD, SHE’S SO HAPPY I WISH I COULD BE LIKE HER NOT THINKING THIS KIND OF PROBLEM

written 20 minutes before Christmas…

YEAR- ENDER MESSAGE

2018 has been a year full of negativity. Countless times that I’ve cried even at my happiest state. Yes, I am happy because I was able to travel in 4 countries, 3 counties & 1 mountain. It has not been a great year for me, but let me just enumerate all my achievements this year: won the best thesis in the annual regional convention in Holy Angels University; was able to have my exposure in a private clinic in QC; was able to go to another to another country for school plant visit; learned how to manage Psychological first aid; and was able to understand why am I a behaviorist.

But behind these grateful moments, I knew that there was something that makes me sad that I don’t even understand why. But despite all of these, I still want to extend my gratitude to all who have been part of my 2018. To my parents, who keeps on reminding me to always listen and just listen, thank you for always reminding me to be patient at all times. I love you both

To some people at the psych dept, who keeps on supporting me in everything that I do, thank you for helping me boost my confidence and for trusting me.

To Ate Hazel, who has been my inspiration in life and in academics, thank you for teaching me the best way to escape.

To my friend who has never been a friend to me, thank you for making me realize that I should stop being a good friend to those who do not deserve my help, including you. I promise, after 2018, I will not let myself swallowed by your manipulation.

To Anna, Leila, ate Marla, Crisha, ate Inna, Ruth, Jem and the nopie, who has been giving meaning to my life, thank you for helping me realize the things that I cannot understand.

To my crush, who has been my source of happiness, thank you for appreciating the risk that I did. Your moves make me happy every single time.

To my bestfriend, who has been a sister to me, thank you for opening my heart. To be loved— it’s actually the best thing. Believe me, I cannot imagine myself without you. You taught me to be patient, selfless, and kind to those who deserves me. I love you bish, you know the rest.

Thank you, 2018! for making me strong. I am now ready to leave all the negativities, and face 2019 without any fear.

...

written while crying on my bed on the 15th of December; 20:57

I was really sad while writing

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rossellelelele :)