The Office: Chicago

The office antics of a Chicago CPA firm

[theofficechicago-blog]

What I want to do every time someone calls the main office line and asks if I'm Phil/K/M/someone else.

Oh and apologies for falling off the planet; working 70 hours/week is getting to me.

[theofficechicago-blog]

Let me just start by saying that I'm pretty sure the woman in this video has undiagnosed dementia or Alzheimer's, so we really do try to take pity on her and listen to her with a kind demeanor....

... but OH GOD the woman talks. For hours. About nothing!

Honestly, it's hysterical to sit here and listen to her husband (actually not sure they're married, thinking on it) as they bicker for 45 minutes about where to have lunch. Pizano's or Lou Malnatis? They went back and forth for ages while she asked him what street it was on and how they were going to get there because last time they went in circles for hours (I'm pretty sure they didn't).

Anyways, this all culminated in the partner coming out to talk to them for a few minutes and take the info they were there to drop off. This should have taken 5 minutes, but an hour later, there they sat. After he went back in the office, she started mumbling to herself and then a whole bunch of things happened at once:

1) The FedEx guy came and asked me to sign for a package

2) The phone rang and a client went on a 5 minute ramble with no breaths about their returns (after which they asked to speak with the person in charge of their account)

3) A staff member left the office to go to, presumably, the restroom down the hall.

All of this happened in about 30 seconds which is why I was helpless when the woman flew through the door that was still closing and sprinted down the hallway towards the partner who had just gone into a meeting with a different client.

I awkwardly turned and begged Michelle, who had missed the crazy woman running past her, to go and stop her.

They sat in their chairs for another 15 minutes before I caught this video after she had bolted into the office.

Seriously, I thought shit like this only happened in a hospital or something. What is this? Western Union?

[theofficechicago-blog]

So? Should it Stay or Go??

Honestly, I don't even know what this is.

[theofficechicago-blog]

Honestly, how hard is it to just write something down and give me that? Do you honestly expect me to remember all these details about an account I'm not familiar with while I'm in the middle of this giant project I'm working on? JUST HAND ME A POST-IT, GOD DAMNIT!

[theofficechicago-blog]

I think that all this stress is getting to me. Despite the fact that I generally think I'm putting on a happy face and being kind and bubbly, like I am when not a slave to my job, apparently I've developed a minor case of CBF (Chronic Bitchface) or RBS (Resting Bitchface Syndrome). I know this because people keep asking me if I'm okay, even though at that particular moment I'm not having homicidal/suicidal/genocidal thoughts. Usually it's when I've settled into something and am content that I have a few moments peace that someone asks that. 

I think I'm becoming Daria. 

[theofficechicago-blog]

It's the Ides of March and everything is conspiring to kill me.

On the way to the IRS, I almost got hit by a bus, then I spent 4 hours at the IRS being tortured by their incompetence. 

When I finally got back to the office, I thought "ah yes, I'll have a nice refreshing drink from the soda fridge." 

WRONG. As I opened the door, this soda can (pictured above) exploded at my knee caps and shot across the room. It was filled with frozen soda chunks that shot all over the office and guess who has two thumbs and had to clean it up with no help.

This girl.

[theofficechicago-blog]

A new round of Stay or Go!

This glorious sculpture adorns the wall of the reception area directly across from where I sit every day. I have 40+ (now 55+!) hours per week to contemplate the lovely colors and lines in this... thing.

Made of some shiny metal, the only thing it's really good for is to see when people are approaching me from behind. Although it does distort the view a bit, so I've taken to keeping a pair of mirrored aviators next to my desk to see if my boss is standing behind me before I jump on Reddit.

[theofficechicago-blog]

Screw you, Pandora

40 hour limits per month on mobile listening? Are you kidding?! I just hit that limit and this has been a light listening week for me. I work 40 hours in a week (during a normal week) and I use my phone because my computer doesn't have sound.

I'm going over to Slacker, you ingrates.

[theofficechicago-blog]

I keep a bottle of Liquid Bandage at my desk for the inevitable 100 paper cuts I get throughout the day, sometimes because I'm a klutz and other times because people are morons and I get injured digging for files.

Anyways, some days, like today, the temptation to paint a huge swatch of skin with the liquid Bandage just so I can rip it off is overwhelming.

Also, I think that it would make an excellent exfoliator for your face if you were brave enough to try it. I'm not.

[theofficechicago-blog]

How I get through my day….

[theofficechicago-blog]

Apparently my name just sucks!

I posted yesterday about how a client wanted me to change my name so I wouldn't confuse her with my name on invoices.

Today, my boss (not Phil) called me Lauren. I've worked here just shy of a year and a half and he didn't notice he called me Lauren until I gave him a weird look. 

And for those wondering, no his daughter/wife/sisters names are not Lauren. He just thought, for 30 seconds, that my name was Lauren.

Fantastic.

[theofficechicago-blog]

9:14PM. I'm all alone here. Gorging myself on bite-sized KitKats for energy. No end in sight. Send help.

[theofficechicago-blog]

Murphy Confusion

It would seem that to some people (clients, *patooie!*) the name "Murphy" is not a common one.

... Really.

A client called me up today, completely irate because she had just received a bill for an invoice that she had already paid months ago. I, being the excellent customer-service person that I am, I calmly looked up the invoice based on the invoice number she shouted at me. 

"Invoice number FIVE-FOUR-THREE-THREE-TWO-ONE. GOT IT?!"

"Yes, ma'am, I have it here. It says that there is a balance due of $1,300." This invoice was only sent out last week, so I'm not sure how the charges could have been paid last month." (I know, right? I'm so cool under pressure. It's my telemarketing experience)

"Well I'm positive this has been paid and mraw, mraw, blah, blah, yipp, yipp, yipp, and I don't even understand how you have our company name listed under Staff for only half of the work done!"

***crickets***

"Ma'am, what company do you think this invoice is for?"

"Well, Murphy Law Group, OBVIOUSLY!"

"Ma'am, I'm Erin Murphy. The name you're seeing on your invoice is the work I completed on the return which was done for XYZ Residential, Inc."

"Oh.... well..... you should use a different name so as not to confuse me!" *click*

Yeah... I'll get right on that.

[theofficechicago-blog]

FRENCH, BITCHES!

Today I got to spend two hours translating a document from French into English for a contract between two companies who are contracting in Iraq and Kurdistan. My translations have impact.

Best thing I've worked on in two years. Finally, something enjoy.

[theofficechicago-blog]

This is my face for the next 5 weeks -^

  Just announced, 55-hour work week mandatory.

For those keeping track, this means that with 20 minute lunch, I will have to work until 7:30 everyday and from 9am – 3pm on Saturday. MINIMUM.

  Unless I come into work earlier, which is never going to happen because I hate mornings…. When I have to go to work.

  Anyways, adios social life!

[theofficechicago-blog]

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This is exactly what Mini-Phil sounds like. Honk honk honk.

Except it's "HONK ERIN?! Do you know where we have any more Post-It notes? HONK"

[theofficechicago-blog]

A client just walked these over in the snow to return the ‘Sign Here’ stickies, business cards, paperclips, and empty folders from their return and said, “make sure this is reflected on my bill.”

…..wut?

You paid us ~$500 to prepare your return and you want us to credit you for the $1.23 these materials cost? Sorry, bub. It’s included in the price.