Rating the CDF characters on how they’d be on a Costco run
• Darren: 11/10. Easy peasy. Nothing phases him. Costco during a Saturday afternoon rush is the least of his existential horrors. It’s all about perspective. Cries tears of joy as he takes a bite of his first proper hotdog in a decade. You take his hand and tell him you’re proud of him.
• Evra: 6/10. Fun guy to run errands with, until his body starts shutting down to hibernate in the cold produce room.
• Larten: -1726282626/10. Your trip will only go one of two ways. Either someone lightly bumps into him with a cart and he ends up on the news and you have to appear as a witness in court, or he’ll somehow leave the store with someone else’s kid in his cart and won’t be able to explain how it happened.
• Steve: no rating available. I would run blindfolded across the parking lot before I’d invite Steve to Costco with me.
• Seba: 5/10. It’s funny to watch him react to modern consumerism up close. Everything’s an abomination and the world is going to hell in a handbasket and it’s all Costco’s fault. It gets less funny after he’s been ranting at the customer service desk and you remember you’re his ride.
• Sam Grest: 1/10. You don’t realize he was in your car til you arrive at the store. You don’t realize you’ve lost him somewhere in the store til you get home later. He’ll probably be fine though. The staff are pretty nice.
• Harkat: 8/10. He’s such a great guy to hang out with but he gets lost every 4 minutes.
• Mika: 7/10. Keeper of the executive membership. Unsettlingly efficient. Gets you in and out in under 30 mins during peak rush hour, but at the cost of your self esteem. Loses points for rushing you. No time for free samples, although he puts a rotisserie chicken in the cart and starts nibbling on it before getting to the cash; a little something to take the edge off. You ask if you can have some. He pretends he doesn’t know you.
• Gavner: 10/10 no notes. Chill guy. So chill you barely notice him wipe a tear when you see a smiling dad carrying his son around on his shoulders with a shopping cart full of toys.
• Vanez: 10/10. Finally you get to park in an accessible spot due to his vision impairment. Even with no eyes he navigates the store more efficiently than any human you’ve ever met. And he’s funny. You can’t stop winning.
• Vancha: 3/10. Insists on climbing the shelves all the way up to the ceiling and jumping across like Tarzan. Only comes down to make a scene over the tubes of ground meat. Calls it an affront to life itself. You try to explain that times have changed and it’s really just an economical way to feed a family because some people live in apartments and work full-time and can’t just go hunt their own cow or whatever. Just when you’re certain your membership is about to be revoked, he notices the rotisserie chicken and is seduced by the smell. He changes his tune and walks behind you in silence for the rest of the trip as he devours the whole thing.
• Arrow: 10/10. Likes pushing the cart. Cuts through large crowds with ease like a snowplow. You sit in the cart and let him take care of you. Of course you’re stopping at the food court for hot dogs before you leave. It’s not even a question. He puts a hotdog in his pocket to take home for Mika.
• Kurda: 8/10. You won’t have to worry about feeling rushed, but you might not get around the whole store by close because he can’t resist making earnest small talk with the employees at the free sample kiosks, and buys bulk packs of every single item they’re advertising. The store is closing. It’s too late. You’ll have to try again tomorrow. Shopping with Mika doesn’t seem so bad now.
• Paris: 9/10. He takes things in stride pretty well for an old guy. Can’t really fault him for much. He’s not very helpful but maybe it’s better this way. He gets his eyes, hearing, and blood pressure checked in the pharmacy area and waits patiently at the food court for you to come back.
• Arra: 7/10. She complains the whole time there about how stupid the premise of Costco is, but it’s just to save face. Everyone saw her eyes light up when she saw a pallet of reasonably priced high quality white tank tops and tan athletic pants. By the time it’s all said and done she’s taken control of the cart and all you have to do is try to keep up with her.
• Alice & Debbie: 20/10. Absolute dream dynamic duo to do anything with. Debbie’s endless patience and sense of humour combined with Alice’s cool head and strategic precision make you believe in soulmates again. They insist on treating you to ice cream in the food court for letting them use your membership card. You work up the nerve to ask if they’d be open to adopting you. They have a great laugh. They don’t realize you weren’t joking.
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