Cocaine

[theonlyalpha]

Hm

I fall in love with people that will break me

to write poetry that no one will ever read

[theonlyalpha]

It sort of sucks now that I think about it

That I can't listen to any song that reminds me of you because we never had our song momemts

Neither can I laugh at things that only made sense to you and me because we never got to the part of inside jokes and our personal humour

I can't read our chats and feel those moments again because it was just replies and responses, never conversations

I guess I'm upset or angry at myself now because I miss you but what do I even miss, waiting for you to remember to respond, or hoping that today you'll decide you want to see me, maybe being your therapist that you never listened to, I guess your empty words and promises that you always seem to forget

I don't know what I should miss about you tbh.

But I guess I miss the me I was becoming with you, the hope and excitement I had for a future and all

The person I was, I was gentler, kinder, honest with myself and my desires, I stood my ground but I was open to yours. I became a better person with you and I was proud of me.

I thought this version would be good enough for me, it was healthier and real.

But I don't want to lie and say that's all. I miss you. Or what I thought was you. Maybe I was wrong about you

But I miss you. I miss your patience, your kindness, your openness, your care for things and people. I miss that smile that comes when something really really tickles you, it's like your inner child coming out, a part of you that only a few get to see. I miss you sending voice notes and ending them with a song. I miss your banter and the way you trusted me. I miss when you had faith in us. I miss how passionate you get about everything you do, how irritated or hurt you would get too. The way in which you felt emotions even if you brushed them aside in conversations. I miss how you would tell me almost everything without me asking.

I guess I miss how we were before I pushed us to be more. I don't think we can be that again and maybe that's what I was waiting for.

Again I don't how honest you were or how true it all was but for what I knew it to be, I miss it.

I guess I did ruin it, in my pursuit of change and understanding, I don't blame you exactly. It can get a lot, but I am lot and if that felt like pressure before I even fully showed you me, then I figured you weren't for me or maybe I for you

I did wish and try because I thought and felt we got each other. But I have fought for spaces my whole life, this wasn't another battle I wanted to a part of my book of warsl

But I miss you and I wish you happiness and peace.

[vomitingwords]

"Sometimes, I hope people can always say what they truly feel. And be genuine about it. No restrictions. No holding back. No keeping all the most important parts.

But then I remembered that I myself couldn't even do that. So why would I expect other people to be like that?

I realized that sometimes we have to choose what we only have to say from the words that we truly want to say. Every word doesn't have to be said out loud; rather, let our actions show what we truly mean. Because not everyone has the time to listen to what we're about to say, and that's totally okay. We human beings don't have all the time in the world to understand everything that's happening around us. We're all busy trying to save ourselves and live life the way we want to.

So it's fine if you can't compose yourself to say everything you want to. But remember that there are so many ways to reach those people who are important to you. And I hope you'll be surrounded by the right people who will lend an ear to hear the stories that you've been holding onto."

I wish I was braver // ma.c.a

[thoughtkick]

“Give people time. Give people space. Don’t beg anyone to stay. Let them roam. What’s meant for you will always be yours.”

— Reyna Biddy

[theonlyalpha]

Words are only fun in poetry

Not when it comes to promises

[theonlyalpha]

I think opening up your space and soul

And still not be known

Is the deepest most silent pain one can live through

It's lonely to experience not being seen, them looking right past you

Must be how the night feels

To just be driven through, acknowledged but never embraced

I think it's time to close the doors

Shut all the windows

And accept only I will ever be know the texture of my walls

The warmth within

The desire to rest between

The time we could share as it passes away

If you could take time to know

We could die and still live on

[blossomfully]

“So I said: “please love me,” and what I meant was: please treat me gently. Please love me with a love that can be felt. That can be touched. A love that I can write about gracefully if and when it ends. Which I may look upon with pacific eyes, and say: “that was a good love. It had to end but it was good.””

Sue Zhao // Nothing but Strawberries

[theonlyalpha]

washed

I know from afar it might appear that I do not care much for life and its aspirations

I know from where you stand my utopia seems to be light years from reality

It is not that I seek anything beyond the clouds

For a fact I spent too many years trying to live in the realities I was set in

I could not

I could not stay without seeking to be among the clouds

I know you will not understand

The world that I created was so I could live longer here

It kept me sane and safe

When my mind wished to wander outside the confinement of my body

I gave her a space to explore without choking the vessel of this world

Yes, there were times I myself wished to leave this structure

 If from your stand point you see that I am weak, then that is fine

If it is seen as if I am selfish, that also is alright

I have found holes in myself in that I am yet to fill

I am broken in places that the glasses around make sure I can longer walk in

There are areas of me that even graveyards should not be in

I have died many times

I have died more than I have I lived

Yet I am not dead

 Hope

The hope of the child that was once me

That was buried with him

Maybe I was born without any

Maybe I was born with Hope that they loathed

Maybe I was not to be born

Maybe I am not what they Hoped

[theonlyalpha]

Skittles

It’s a new sort of weird feeling, but my inner child giggles at the thought of you, I feel safe around you. That’s pretty big for me, I have felt all sorts but safe was always a bit out of reach for me. I am safe when I am with you, my whole being, soul and mind are at rest at the thought of you.

I guess I like you or whatever

[theonlyalpha]

Shifting my mind to write about happiness, I found peace. He's kinda cute

[theonlyalpha]

Skittles

There this is weird thing about me, suppose it's normal but I haven't met my kind yet

You see the thing about me

I am very intentional with my acts

I cannot predict nor foresee the future, but I like to believe I am aware of the possibilities.

I am optimistically unsure of you, in fact for the most part you make no sense to me. Somehow, I could not have foreseen that you would shift my intrigue from compassion to passion. I desire to be known by you, to watch your soul unravel before me in silence or chaos. 

To be felt and held by every existence of your being is my truest desire, forgetting all consequences and fears. I recklessly desire you with no plan or motive, it is not lust driven nor can I lie and turn this into an unknown part of love but a sacred part of my being will not let go of ideal that you should be mine. 

It Could be trauma or control, is there more healing that I skipped over?

I am very intentional with my choices but this I cannot explain to my heart nor brain, my body does not understand but here I am. Looking for way in, I desire you in ways that I do not know.

[theonlyalpha]

I'm not trying to mend a broken heart. I'm learning to live with one.

[theonlyalpha]

I cant wait till someone also falls in love with me.

Wants to keep me.

Fight for me.

Grow with me.

The same way I want to with them.

I can't wait till I never have to fear being told that I'm not the one. It isn't me. It isn't time. Cant we just fuck.

I can't wait to I find a home in someone too. And not just a hospital.

I can't wait to be loved the way I loved you.

[theonlyalpha]

I love your tone. The bass that howls from within as you utter your words drumming from your tongue. I love your tone. The clay tint that echoes the work of the generations before, the potters smoothened art piece. I love your tone. The pace in which you allow your heart to beat to the keys life plays, oh how you embrace every moment as if it you do not mind endings.

Tone. The voice that calms the cries drowning my soul. Tone. The face that loves me without words . Tone. The adventurous soul that simplifies this world's puzzles for me.

[theonlyalpha]

I love how slow our love progressed. I can sit and reminisce on every moment as if it was it's own lifetime. How long it took till you held my hand, as buds of your hand blossomed into my mine. I understood the beauty of birth in a simpler way. Watching you grow into me, your soul unraveling, the shell of its walls cracking, seeing you emerging from the depth of you, into us.

I loved the pace we took, slow and steady. I could play this role a thousand lifetimes more. Only If it means I get to watch you grow in every one. I love how you lwalked into love. I remember each step. One step- this is just a game. Two step- he makes me laugh. Three step- He'll hurt him. Four step- I'll hurt him. Five step- we should change... six step- I love this, just this way. Seven step- I hope we never change.

Each step I can recall a milestone. This love in its strangeness. This love with its weaknesses. This is love with its hope. This love oh so different and true. This is love is nothing without you.

This love is meant for souls like you and I.

[theonlyalpha]

Sometimes you just have to force yourself to stop loving someone. And that hurt.... it's a different kind of pain.

[hey-please-never-let-me-go-deac]

“my heart is too big for my body to hold.”

— s.s. (stephenstilwell)