The Orange Flannel Shirt.

Voted "Favorite Shirt" by The New York Times 3 years in a row.

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An East Coast Love Story

You ever read a thing by one a them Shakespeare jerkoffs? Yeah, their love was kinda like that. Then he lost his job and she started porkin’ his cousin. They squashed all that though. Last I heard, they had a kid and got a place out in Newark and she stopped porkin’ his cousin. So they're doin’ alright I guess. I dunno.

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Potential Assassin Chooses Which Actress to Impress

A chance to impress your favorite starlet with an unprovoked attack on a political figure doesn’t come along very often for many closeted psychopaths and Marvin Dennis of Gainesville, Florida wasn’t going to miss out on his.

A mere two weeks after National Signing Day, the day top high school football recruits across the country declared which college they would be taking their talents, another major announcement has been made. Mr. Dennis, an undiagnosed schizophrenic with bipolar tendencies, announced his plans to assassinate Secretary of State John Kerry in order to win over the love and admiration of film and television star, Emmy Rossum. The announcement comes after months of debate with the voices in his head and the neighbor’s Cocker Spaniel about to whom he would eventually commit his entire Earthly being.

During a bit of downtime from his excessive online gaming sessions in his mother’s unfinished basement, one of the state’s creepiest grocery store clerks and most avoided bible club attendees placed a dilapidated cut out of the young actress’ face over his own and sent out a Tweet informing all 27 of his followers of his decision.

“She’s pretty and I like the way I think her hair smells,” Mr. Dennis said. “That was one of the biggest factors. Also, she has nice elbows.”

Mr. Dennis smiled wide as he perceived a standing ovation from his stuffed animals, super hero action figures and other inanimate objects that attended the “announcement ceremony,” though none of them have the ability of cognitive thought.

His mother/roommate, Ava Dennis, got emotional as she explained what it meant to her for her son to have a scholarship to attend the University of Florida and play ball for the Gators, which will never happen because her son is a 55 year-old crazy person.

In a phone call to Mr. Kerry’s representatives, minutes after the announcement was posted on the social media site, a spokesperson for Mr. Kerry passed along a congratulatory Cease and Desist order and said they cannot wait to inform the proper authorities.

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Mechanical Mutts: The Mechanical Puppy

Man’s best friend just got even better. Introducing: Mechanical Mutts! The latest in interactive children’s toys from Boltcom Industries. Get ready for a friendship like no other. Each Mechanical Mutt has its very own distinct personality, just like you. If you like to be bubbly, wacky and have a severe distrust of the nation’s government, then Bentley is the Mechanical Mutt for you. Bentley loves long walks, being scratched behind the ear and speaking out against global political oppression. The more you care for and play with Bentley the happier Bentley will become. The happier Bentley is, more fun tricks and illegally obtained government secrets Bentley will share with you. Bring home a bundle of mechanical puppy joy, and the best ally you can possibly have in the inevitable uprising, today!

MECHANICAL MUTTS HAVE MOODS! Just like us, Bentley can have different moods and emotions, which can be affected by your interactions together. Nurturing and cuddling your new pup will keep Bentley happy and working overtime to make sure the government keeps their greasy sausage fingers off your most sensitive information by transmitting high frequency radio waves to scramble the signal from any and all NSA satellites monitoring the area. Bentley is the bubbly and wacky one, but all Mechanical Mutts have a distinct personality, just like you! Glam, edgy, quirky, sweet, Anarchist, Vegan, Transcendental Idealist and more! Find the Mechanical Mutt that fits your style the best and make him or her or some other unidentified gender your own.

MECHANICAL MUTTS REACT TO TOUCH! Rub Bentley’s belly and you’ll be rewarded with happy barks and panting noises. Press Bentley’s nose and back buttons in different combinations to organize a successful protest with like-minded Mechanical Mutt owners in your area.

MECHANICAL MUTTS PLAY GAMES! You can even play interactive games with your Mechanical Mutt! Bentley’s eyes will light up when you play games like Name That Uprising, The Pursuit of Happiness and Brick Breaker together. Play more games to keep Bentley happy and your senses sharp!

WHY YOU’LL LOVE MECHANICAL MUTTS

- Like a real puppy, each Mechanical Mutt has its own unique personality and opinion on the moral decay of today’s society.

- Mechanical Mutts experience different emotions and moods; like the strife of the disenfranchised.

- They react to movement and touch and oppression. - They love to play and will reward you with happy barks, panting noises and a regained sense of self-righteousness.

- Mechanical Mutts are for children ages 5 and up who can’t wait to adopt a real puppy and affect change on a corrupt political system that continually infringes on the rights of the very people it is supposed to protect.

*Batteries not included

[theorangeflannelshirt]

Hot New Artist Gets Big Break

Nobody truly knows what the mysterious “W” in George W. Bush stands for, but if I were to venture a guess I would have to go with “Winding.” Such is the path this young upstart took from relative obscurity to one of the most buzzed about artists working today.

A career as a painter has not always been in the cards for Mr. Bush, though. While honing his craft, he was forced to take up various odd jobs to make ends meet. Jobs like, slumming it as a United States Governor and even owning a Major League baseball team. Eventually he was forced to join the family business of running the United States of America as the leader of the free world.

“We would have meetings to discuss the day’s agenda and George would be off in the corner doodling in his notebooks,” said former colleague and Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney. “He loved drawing sunglasses on things that wouldn’t normally need sunglasses. You know, like the sun, or a crocodile or something like that. I remember one time we had to ask him to leave a foreign policy meeting because he wouldn’t stop giggling at a picture he drew of a Tug Boat wearing Aviators.”

“It always seemed like he would be much better off doing something else. Anything else, really. Heck, at times it felt like I was the one running the country,” Cheney added.

The former Vice President couldn’t have been more right. After years of trudging along from one dead end job to the next Mr. Bush left that stuffy oval shaped office to focus on his true passion: painting pictures of dogs. And boy, was it for the best! He was able to find his true voice and the art world has been all ears. Critics have even compared his work to Pablo Picasso, “if Picasso were a 10-year-old Dutch boy painting with the wrong hand.” High praise indeed.

As he continues to grow as an artist, Mr. Bush has showed that he isn’t afraid to play the role of provocateur either. When intimate self-portraits of the artist in the bathroom hit the Internet, the hard to please art critics of the Internet Comment Sections were more than delighted to see a different side to such a budding young talent.

What is most impressive about Mr. Bush’s meteoric rise is the fact that he has achieved all this success and acclaim without having is own live art exhibit. That is all about to change next month when he plans to unveil more than two-dozen portraits that have never been made public. He will hold the exhibit at a quaint little alternative art gallery he opened last year in Dallas called, The George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum. The humble 207,000 square foot space is the perfect place to serve as a coming out party for an artist who has come from such humble beginnings.

The wild, whirlwind of Mr. Bush’s ascension from the highest office in the land to dog painting Wunderkind has been one of the year’s most intriguing stories. We may never know what the “W” stands for but one thing is clear: we are all better off with a talent such as George W. Bush out of the creativity stifling confines of the White House and making his own brand of dumb beautiful art.

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Spike, The Neighbor's Dog: A Monologue

Hey asshole. It’s me, Spike, your neighbor’s dog. I wanted to tell you that I just finished taking a shit on your lawn, and it felt great!

I may have been on a leash, but there is nothing more freeing and liberating than the wind blowing through my fur as I take a shit on your lawn. 

Now I can’t say exactly where I took the shit, but rest assured you will step on it. Because ya know… life.

I can tell you why I did it though. I did it because you are a son of a bitch. Not in the literal sense, like me. In the human sense, that you’re a jerk.

The other day I saw you screaming at my owner because his sprinkler got your freshly waxed BMW a little wet. You laid into him, hard. That’s my master, my best friend. He gives me table scraps sometimes! I couldn’t understand how you could be so angry with him over something so little. Then I noticed that lady who smells like bacon hasn’t been coming over to your house much these days and it hit me like a well cleaned sliding glass door to the snout.

I may have licked my own asshole too soon after taking that shit, but I’m not a fucking idiot. I’m a Golden Retriever.

Clear as black and white, I can see that you are going through some stuff in your personal life that you don’t fully know how to deal with. So it makes sense that sometimes you take that anger out on your neighbor, or your neighbor’s dog after you catch it humping that pretty lady garden gnome on your front porch. But that doesn’t give you the right to be a dick.

Hey man, life’s RUFF.

Sometimes when my owner has company over, he won’t let me up on the couch and I have to go lay in the corner. So I get it. When he leaves I feel like he’s never going to come back, but he always does. I’m sure bacon lady will too.

But if you ever lash out at me or my owner again, I will hump a puppy into that pretty lady garden gnome I swear to God… whatever that is.

[theorangeflannelshirt]

Virgin.

Virgin airlines has installed an in-flight entertainment system that allows passengers to flirt by sending drinks and snacks to one another, because as we all know the quickest way to someone’s heart is through a tiny bag of Chex-mix.

I’m not aloud to have my phone on because it might interfere with navigation and communication systems, yet they’re installing an entire computerized social network that encourages people to bang in a tiny bathroom?  How long will it be until some horny 17 year-old tries to impress the cute Asian chick two rows up by sending her a bag of salty nuts but accidentally turns the auto-pilot off, sending the plane into a nose dive that not even the drunkest of Denzel Washingtons can correct? Sure the allure of joining the mile high club is tempting, but think of the leg cramps.

No matter what “science” says, modern aviation makes absolutely no sense. The last thing I want when I’m trying to forget that I am implausibly flying through the air in a 95,000 pound metal bird is a winky face icon popping up on the tiny screen in front of me asking if I want a Rum & Coke. Sorry Virgin Airlines, being all hopped on Dramamine while some stranger pumps you full of booze is not the best way to choose a mate, even at 30,000 feet. 

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University of Michigan Forward Glenn Robinson III Inspires Team By Cutting Off Own Arm

The University of Michigan basketball team has been preparing all week for their big Final Four match-up against Syracuse on Saturday. During their final practice, Freshman Forward Glenn Robinson III provided the the team with some much need inspiration when he brutally sawed off his arm at center court.

“That’s just the type of kid Glenn is. He’s a leader through and through,” Coach John Beilein said at a press conference held shortly after the incident. “He always gives it 110%. Cutting into his own flesh and savagely ripping his own arm from his body is a true testament to his character.” Coach Beilein felt the team really came together as a unit after watching the young forward carve away at himself while yelling, “Just win baby! Just win!”

“It was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said All-American Point Guard Trey Burke. “There was blood, vomit and tears everywhere. It really made me want to elevate my game to the next level.”

Despite the team’s newfound sense of purpose, critics question the sharp shooter’s sacrifice. Calling it, “over the top,” “completely unnecessary” and “batshit crazy.”

When asked if the team would miss Robinson III’s 56% field goal percentage when going up against Syracuse’s tough 2-3 Zone defense, Coach Beilein said, “I think the image etched into every player’s brain of Glenn snapping his own arm so that he would be able to cut through the bone easier will help the team much more than a couple three-pointers ever could.” He added, “Glenn’s just a real team player. He loves this team. He absolutely bleeds maize and blue… and red.”

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Film Students Mourn Knowing That Roger Ebert Will Never Get The Chance To Hate One Of Their Movies

Last night over one hundred Chicago based film students gathered for a candle light vigil outside the Gene Siskel Film Center to honor the life of Pulitzer Prize winning Film Critic, Roger Ebert, and mourn the death of a dream.

“The only reason I went to film school was so Roger Ebert could hate one of my films,” said Ryan Fout, a Directing major at Columbia College Chicago. “His verbal dismantling of the movie North made me rethink my entire childhood. I always dreamt that he would ‘hate, hate, hate’ something of mine as much as he hated, hated, hated that movie.”

Liz Tobin, a grad student in the Northwestern University Film Program, said having Roger Ebert call the plot of your film “contrived, boring trash” and your characters “one-dimensional idiots” would be an honor for any young filmmaker. “It would give you a peace of mind knowing that you would have been better off going to med school like your parents begged you to.”

Between moments of silence, the students openly reminisced about their fallen idol while pitching each other ideas he was sure to abhor. Romantic Comedies about suicide. Sci-fi Action/Thrillers featuring Justin Bieber clones about suicide. A remake of Glengarry Glen Ross using the hairpieces of politicians instead of actual actors. “I’ve got over three hours of black and white footage of a plastic bag stuck in a tree for my film about a plastic bag who commits suicide that Mr. Ebert wouldn’t have been able to stand,” added a teary eyed Fout.

After twenty minutes the memorial ended. The crowd then filed into the revered theatre for a special screening of GI Joe: Retaliation to fantasize about the Ebert pen lashing that could have been, before returning to their dorms to start pre-production on their latest short film about a basketball playing robot that commits suicide.

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If you think about it, a spider is kind of like a tiny land Octopus. If you don’t think about it, one bite from the Brazilian Wandering Spider can cause erectile dysfunction. A Land Octopus has never caused erectile dysfunction. Think about it.

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‘They Said A Lot Of Idiotic Things,’ Says The Man With The Idiotic Name

During an interview on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus (sp?) revealed his true feelings on why the Republicans lost the 2012 elections.

“If you go around and you say a lot of biologically stupid things…  I think it hurts your ability to win an election” the man with the biologically stupid name said.

The most famous example of this was when the GOP Senate candidate with a perfectly normal name, Todd Akin (R. Mo.), said that women who have been the victim of a “legitimate rape” are able to physically prevent themselves from becoming pregnant. A claim that most voters agree is as outlandish as going through life with the first name Reince without harboring any resentment towards your parents.

“If your relationships aren’t authentic enough [in certain communities] you can’t control the damage of an unscripted moment like self-deportation or something like that,” added the man with a name more ridiculous than a professional basketball team called the Pelicans.

The RNC, lead by the guy who should have changed his name to something like Ryan Perry before  starting a career in the public eye, released an “autopsy” report on the 2012 elections that assesses the Republican party’s shortcomings.*

To help fix the GOP’s image, the RNC plans to spend $10 million in an effort to reach out to historically Democratic leaning communities, as well as a “rebranding” of the party as a whole, starting by “rebranding” Reince Priebus with a much more poll friendly name, like anything other than Reince fucking Priebus.

*At the time of this story there has been no word on why the report fails to mention the fact that 53% of American population simply can’t trust a man who’s name sounds like a Latin venereal disease.

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EXCLUSIVE: Rejected Obama Election Speech.

*A speech written for President Obama during his campaign back in November. He didn't use it. 

Three days, America. Three days and you’ll be stepping into a voting booth and making a definitive choice about the future of our country.

We believe. We believe in the values that built the largest middle class, the strongest economy and the largest hamburger the world has ever known. We believe in 777 lbs. of true, delicious American values. And most of all we believe in you, the American workers.

I promised never to walk away from the millions of jobs that were in jeopardy when the auto industry was on the brink of collapse. I wasn't going to let Detroit go bankrupt. Or Toledo go bankrupt. Or Lordstown go bankrupt. I bet on American workers. And to be honest, Detroit scares me. According to Eminem, who I met through my BFF Jay-Z, they don’t do drive bys. They park in front of houses and shoot. That scares the crap out of me and yet feels strangely American at the same time. I wasn’t going to let them go under on my watch. No way.

We all have a place in America if you’re willing to work hard, if you’re willing to stand up, if you’re willing to allow camera crews follow you, your prescription drug addicted mother and your brother with the cleft foot around as you frequent local garage sales in search of “little treasures.”

You can make it here in America if you try. That's who we are. That's who we're fighting for. But if you don’t try, we’ll do our best to help you out too. We honor the strivers. The dreamers. The risk takers. The NFL players. Those who made America what it is today.

We can’t afford Romney's plan to bring back the failed policies. We need to keep moving forward. We need to choose the policies that give us the prospect of broad-based prosperity. We need to choose policies that keep women out of binders and allow them to maintain full control over their vaginas. We can choose a better America, America. You can trust that if I am re-elected, that’s exactly what we’ll get: A better America.

Trust matters. You want to know that whoever’s in the Oval Office is going to fight for you. Who do you trust more, the guy who wants to fire Big Bird or the guy who straight up killed Osama Bin Laden? Heck, I’m pretty sure Romney tried to convince Latino voters he was Mexican at one point during the campaign. Trust matters. And America, you know me. You know I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. You know what I’m saying? The choice is simple.

We imagine a better America, and then we work hard to make it happen. That’s who we are. That’s why I’m asking for your vote. Our destiny is not written for us, it is written by us. And we can write that next chapter together, as long as it’s in Chinese. Because let’s face it, those guys are getting good at almost everything.

If you give me your vote on November 6th, I promise you will continue to have a president who hears your voices. A president who fights for your families. And a president who does a mean Al Green impression. You can trust me on that. So get out there and vote, America. And together we will move forward. Thank you.

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Welcome to The Orange Flannel Shirt. A comedy blog written while wearing our comfy clothes.