Agent 6

Jeff Sterling | 17 | Panic Disorder/Anxiety Dancing is kind of my thing. So is food.

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

Jesse chuckled softly, leaning down to press his forehead to the blond’s. “I know…” His voice was soft, lacking the usually arrogant bite. He bent down to kiss Jeff again, relieved at the ability to open his mouth and actually be an active participant. His arms pulled a little tighter, the comfort and fear driving him to want this boy closer to him.

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

"Of course you do." Jeff chuckled and leaned close as Jesse kissed him, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around him. This felt kind of perfect. He hadn't felt this good with someone in such a long time. He twirled a strand of Jesse's hair around his finger, pulling away from the kiss after a moment, nipping softly on his lip. 

[sexmeupcalliope-deactivated2013]

as long as he doesn’t hurt you.

i’ll try.

<3

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

I think for the first time, I've finally chosen the right guy.

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

Jesse smiled. It felt natural for Jeff to call him the old name. The name only one other person had ever been allowed to use. His arms pulled the blond close, tightening around his waist. Jesse had never really belonged, never allowed himself, thinking he was above all that. But here, in Jeff’s arms and in his love, he belonged. He was safe from the harm of age and death that had claimed his grandmother’s life, safe from his parents’ incessant demands of his perfection but disgust at his disorder. Jeff was his net, that caught him from doing something stupid and let him open his eyes to the ability to be happier.

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff shifted closer when Jesse tightened his hold around him, closing the gap between them in a gentle kiss. It was still a little new to him; kissing Jesse. He hadn't been able to kiss him very much because of his jaw before now. It was kind of perfect how well they fit together. Pulling away after a moment, Jeff blushed as he bumped his nose against Jesse's, biting nervously on his lip, "Songbird suits you, you know? You have a beautiful voice." He looked into Jesse's eyes for a moment longer, just glad he could make him happy like this.

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

Jesse looked away minutely. “Well..there..there is one…” He wasn’t sure though. Even though this was Jeff, only one person had ever called him by something other than his given name. But the blond reminded him of her so much, made him feel so happy… He felt, maybe it was okay for him to use it too. “My..my grandmother used to call me Songbird…”

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff perked up when Jesse said there was one. If there was a name Jesse would suggest, then he'd  know for sure that he would like it. He's be willing to call Jesse anything he wanted. He looked into Jesse's eyes, brushing his fingers gently through his hair, smiling fondly, "Songbird?" He kissed Jesse's cheek, "Songbird it is. My Songbird." He grinned, resting their heads together.

[sexmeupcalliope-deactivated2013]

YOU WOULDN’T. :(

i really miss you too.

depending on how i’m doing, and if they let me, i could try to come back to visit.

i don’t know. :/ i need to ask first, so, we’ll see.

i doubt it though.

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Don't hurt him.

You should come visit. I want t see you. There's so much I could tell you. 

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

Jesse chuckled breathily, he had completely forgotten about the nickname thing. To be honest, now with this all out in the open, he found he didn’t care what Jeff called him. At all. He could call him anything, just so long as his feelings kept for him, Jesse would allow it. “Call me anything you want, Jeff. I love you…and I’m not going anywhere.”

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff's heart fluttered when Jesse spoke. He had to get used to hearing that. He honestly never expected to ever hear anyone say that to him again. He pressed a kiss to Jesse's cheek, shaking his head, "You're absolutely no help. I suck at coming up with nicknames, and for you it has to be perfect."

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

When Jeff turned and sank his face against his neck, Jesse found himself praying he didn’t start crying. He knew Jeff had had a hard time with relationships, he had told him himself. But if he’d start crying, Jesse wouldn’t know what to do. But instead he heard those words, the sweet voice that made Jesse feel like the world was spinning just for them. He grinned, hugging Jeff tight. Who on earth would have thought a gallon of cotton candy ice cream could’ve helped start something like this? He certainly hadn’t, but he would be eternally grateful that it had. “Me too.”

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff smiled brightly as Jesse hugged him tightly. It felt so good to be in his arms like that. He hadn't felt that comfortable with someone for so long. Jesse made him feel whole. It was like Nick had left this crack inside him, and Jesse came along, and not just filled it. He made it so much better than it had ever been before. He pressed gentle kisses along Jesse's neck, pulling away after a moment to look into his eyes. He gently brushed Jesse's hair from his eyes, chuckling softly, "This has done absolutely nothing to help me choose a nickname for you."

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

Jesse kissed Jeff back but when those words were said, so directly. He was forced to realize his heart was fluttering more than ever, he could feel the endorphins entering his blood stream from hearing the words come from Jeff’s mouth. It made him dizzy and now Jesse could tell, that yes. This was what Jeff was describing before. A slow smile spread across his face at his realization and his voice was soft as he spoke. “I know…” He held the blond tighter. “..I love you too.”

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff wasn't sure whether or not he was expecting Jesse to say it back. When he did, though, it felt like his heart was pounding in his chest. He turned in Jesse's arms wrapping his own around him and burying his face in Jesse's neck. He sighed happily, taking a moment to breathe in Jesse's scent, to soak in his warmth. It felt so good to be so surrounded by him. "I'm so glad I met you." He whispered softly against Jesse's neck.

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

A faint blush spread across Jesse’s cheek but he couldn’t help smiling back. He pulled Jeff a bit closer, wrapping his arms around his waist. “I did… Must be an infectious disease. Though I’ve heard it’s more socially accepted then what I was diagnosed with, so I guess it’s a good thing to catch.” He was smiling, and he had no idea what he was saying. But he was with Jeff and Jeff didn’t care if he didn’t make sense. As long as they were connected somehow, holding hands, hugging, kissing…somethings more… They were fine, they were better than fine. They were perfect.

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff smiled brightly, leaning further back against Jesse, his hands brushing over his arms as they wrapped around his waist. That was such a nice feeling. It was like it was just them. Nothing else seemed to matter. It was perfect. Jesse was perfect. Jeff chuckled softly at Jesse's words, brushing his fingers against Jesse's as their hands rested together. Jeff looked at them in the mirror for a moment more, his eyes catching Jesse's for a moment. They were so different. Completely different. But they fit so well together. Like opposite sides of a coin. Looking back at Jesse, he leaned over and gently brushed their lips together, smiling as he looked into his eyes, "I love you." It was still difficult to say. He didn't know if he was setting himself up for pain, but he didn't really care when he had Jesse looking at him like that. He knew he could trust him.

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

Jesse listened, continuing to rub his thumb gently against Jeff’s hand. He glanced around the room, noticing that Jeff also had a mirror in his room. Perfect, he thought. Smiling softly, Jesse began to stand, pulling Jeff along. “Come here, I want to show you something.”

He pulled the blond over to the mirror, making him stand directly in front of it while Jesse stood behind him, letting go of his hand only to place both of them on his hips. “Look at this guy, this awesome, adorable, sexy, guy. Who helps and listens to others. Who steals ice cream from the kitchens. Who eats too much candy…who taught Narcissus how to fall in love with someone else.” Jesse bit his lip at the last bit, his heart doing a weird fluttering in his chest.

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff wasn't sure what Jesse was thinking. He hoped Jesse wasn't thinking he was too pathetic. He wouldn't have blamed him if he did, though. It was kind of pathetic if he was honest. He didn't like being so afraid all the time, so self conscious, to hate everything about himself.

Jeff's eyes went wide when Jesse pulled him up. He wasn't expecting that. What was Jesse even doing. He looked at himself in the mirror and frowned. God, he looked awful after attacks. He was so pale, and his hair wasn't sitting straight. Why did Jesse have to see him like this? Jeff leaned back against Jesse as he started talking, a small smile slowly growing on his lips. He couldn't quite believe Jesse really thought that of him. Tilting his head to the side to look into Jesse's eyes, he bit his lip, trying to stop himself grinning, "You said the 'L' word." It sounded so stupid when he said it like that, but he didn't expect Jesse to say it.

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

His lips twitched as Jeff spoke. “I did… But I wonder why you don’t.” It was something he was honestly curious about. Jesse had ever understood self-doubt, not truly. He didn’t get it why whenever he called Jeff adorable, he instantly denied it. It wasn’t often Jesse saw value in another being, if at all. Jeff had given him a bit of humility, it would seem. A bit more humanity. Could Jesse give him confidence?

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff's smile faded and he looked down at their hands, sighing softly. He didn't like thinking about how pathetic he was. He didn't like thinking about the worthlessness, and all the bad things that had happened in his life. He didn't want to think about it. "I uh...I was teased a lot when I was a kid. And then as the panic attacks got worse, being social became harder, so I never had friends apart from Nick. That made things hard." He smiled sadly, shrugging, "I've never been the sort of person that had much confidence, I guess."

[lostgirlin-wonderland-blog]

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

All his life, Jesse had known what to say and do. He always had the last word, he was always strong and smart and beautiful. But right now, sitting with Jeff, he felt so open and raw and exposed. So weak and stupid. But the blond had faith in him, he believed in him and he…he loved him. Jesse moved his free hand up, cupping Jeff’s face, trying to make everything seem a little more concrete. This whole thing was making his world turn upside-down, inside-out. And yet, that was okay. Because Jeff was here. He could anchor himself on the blond and see him as solid ground. “You’re extraordinary.”

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff was lucky to find people that would talk to him. He knew he was. That was the one thing this place had managed to give him. Sure, not many people here did, but there were a few people that bothered to talk to him, that became his friend, and then there was Jesse. Beautiful Jesse. He doubted someone like Jesse would ever look twice at him outside of this place, but here they were, and Jeff didn't know how he'd ever gotten to be this lucky. Having someone like Jesse calling you so many wonderful things was kind of surreal. He couldn't believe Jesse really thought it of him sometimes. Tilting his face into Jesse's touch and closing his eyes for a moment with a smile, Jeff chuckled softly, "So are you, but you probably already know that."

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

“You have a lot of faith in me.” Jesse said it before he realized the words had formed in his head. Even he would trust himself that much. He knew the kind of person he was, so self-absorbed. But Jeff had found a way around that, hadn’t he? Jeff had managed to wriggle himself into Jesse’s life and throw him completely off balance. He was feeling things he never knew he could, experiencing new things he never thought of. It pushed him, scared the living shit out of him. But he found he couldn’t pull away either. Like when he was learning piano. It frightened him, but Jesse couldn’t help but sit at the instrument and continuously play. So..was Jeff his new piano?

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff looked up at Jesse, a small smile tugging at his lips, "I guess I do." He hadn't realy thought about it before, but he did. He trusted Jesse more than he'd ever trusted anyone before, but it wasn't like Jesse would hurt him. Jesse never had. He'd had so many opportunities, and Jeff had given him so much of himself it would be easy for Jesse to destroy him, but there was something about Jesse. He knew Jesse wouldn't hurt him. "But someone's got to have faith in you." Jeff smiled, tilting his head to the side as he looked at Jesse. He opened and closed his mouth for a moment before finally speaking, "No one makes me feel like you do."

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

Jesse stared at the blond, his eyes crossing a little due to their proximity. Love? A part of him, a very large part of him, wanted to rear back, push away this possibility. Love was not an option, love was a debilitating disease for the weak and imperfect. But he remained, his thumb running almost hesitantly across the back of Jeff’s hand. He was petrified, but curious. Could he really be in love? He had never experienced it before, not in this context at least.

He knew his voice would sound awful, but Jeff had never judged him. In an odd way, he trusted Jeff. Since he had seen the boy in the courtyard, he had felt a strange sense of trust in him. Who was he going to tell? And honestly, in this place, what did it really matter if he did? But Jeff would never tell, would never look at him different. Well, different than he already did. And Jesse liked the way Jeff looked at him. “I..I’ve never been in love..before…”

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff had always had a very open heart. He always tried his best to let any and all people into his life. He wanted to be a good friend for people. That's all he ever wanted. He fell in love so quickly, and he just let it happen. It wasn't a question in his mind. He didn't think about it. He figured love was a good thing. It had always been a good thing, something people said you'd dream of having. And every time Nick said he loved him, Jeff would feel like he was finally getting that thing everyone spoke about. And then it went wrong. And suddenly he was guarding his heart as much as he could. He was scared. He didn't want to love again when he knew how badly it could end. Jesse hadn't exactly given him much choice, though. It happened without him even realising it.

Jeff smiled softly as Jesse's thumb brushed against his hand, "I have...and it was nice, until it went wrong." He took a shaky breath, looking into Jesse's eyes, "But I feel like it won't go wrong with you. I feel like I can trust you not to hurt me like I have been."

[sexmeupcalliope-deactivated2013]

good. if he hurts you, i’m getting that bowling ball.

i’m okay. bored.

you got me looking up pictures of cats sigh.

lol. but really i’m better. not as stressed.

which is good i guess.

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

If you hurt him, I'll never give you candy again.

I'm glad things are better there. I really miss you, though.

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

You Gotta Have Faith // Jesse & Jeff

[jesseismoretalentedthanyou-deac]

He forced himself to meet Jeff’s eye. Jesse didn’t understand want he was feeling. He could pinpoint relief, from the blond acceptance of his weakness and words, but he why did his heart feel like it had grown wings, like any moment it might take flight from his chest. He reached up, taking Jeff’s hand and pressed it against his chest. He felt like a down-right idiot for asking, but he didn’t know and Jeff, sweet, honest Jeff who ate far too much candy and suffered from self-doubt, had never judged him for the shortcomings Jesse refused to see in himself. “It flutters every time I get to be around you… And I don’t have the urge to look in the mirror when I’m with you… Why? What is this?”

[theoriginalanxiousagentsix-blog]

Jeff looked back into Jesse's eyes, trying to figure out what he was thinking. He seemed so deep in thought, and Jeff wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. When Jesse pressed his hand to his chest, Jeff's breath hitched for a moment, leaning closer. He just listened to Jesse's words, his heart fluttering and he bit down hard on his lip. He didn't know what to say. He knew what he wanted to think that meant, but he was scared. Terrified. Jeff gripped Jesse's shirt beneath his fingertips, resting their heads together and taking a shaky breath, "It's...it's love. I-I think it is, anyway. For me it's like...like my heart skips a beat when I see you. And when you smile...there aren't words for how it makes me feel." Taking a deep breath, he took Jesse's hands, lacing their fingers together, "I think I love you. I know I shouldn't, because last time I loved someone I got so badly hurt and I'm scared it's going to happen again...but I do. I love you."