♡ Texts From Last Night ♡
[text:] I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
[text:] He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
[text:] If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
[text:] I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
[text:] Last night was a bad idea. I’m hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
[text:] Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
[text:] Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
[text:] “Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button” drunk. Thats how drunk.
[text:] I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
[text:] He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
[text:] That’s the second time my extensive knowledge of Taylor Swift has gotten me laid
[text:] He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He’s a keeper.
[text:] Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
[text:] Two words: nipple clamps
[text:] Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
[text:] BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
[text:] your horoscope this morning…very interesting…good luck today
[text:] I’m not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
[text:] I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
[text:] They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
[text:] If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn’t make me feel better, then I don’t know what will.
[text:] You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
[text:] I always hoped that one day I’d have a sex position named in my honor.
[text:] Want to come over? I’m getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
[text:] We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
[text:] It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
[text:] I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
[text:] He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
[text:] So for future reference…. it’s a little unnerving when I can’t get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, “Oh fuck… It’s tequila”
[text:] I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame….are you there god? It’s tequila Tuesday’s hangover
[text:] He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
[text:] I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
[text:] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
[text:] At McDonald’s last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, “YOU MCFUCKED UP.”
[text:] This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
