honey, i'm home
09112018 || 1218a
Years later and I find myself craving the openness and self-expression that Tumblr and this platform has always provided me. I strayed from this page not long after my high school graduation and tried to pick up different modes of emotional outlet and keeping track of thoughts. I picked up pen and paper - only lasting a day or two. I made a WordPress because it was trendy. I kept my thoughts in the notes of my phone.
Since my last post/reblog/like on this platform, I’ve seen then graduated undergrad with a degree and taking a gap year before enter another four years of school yet somehow I feel even more overwhelmed than ever. Between working and studying for yet //another// admissions test for school, I find time to binge new shows and watch the latest Netflix rom-coms but somehow still feel like my time is fleeting. Is it because I am wasting my time watching shows and movies or spending time with the few available friends I can? But don’t I deserve to take a break after committing 17 years of my life to academia? Or is this me making up excuses so I can continue to procrastinate. Am I procrastinating my long term goals by taking this gap year? Or would I have burned out.
Who really knows..... besides me, of course.
Here I sit in bed at 12:18am, knowing I probably won’t be sleeping any time soon. Knowing I probably want to commit to this - expressing my feelings to //anyone// listening or *reading* rather - but probably won’t in the long run. But fuck it, let’s talk.
As I sit and listen to Alina Baraz, I can’t help but feel so //alone//. I don’t feel the love I used to feel when listening to music like this. I MISS the feelings I used to have. I love the idea of love and the idea of being in love -- who doesn’t? And I know life isn’t about being in love and finding a human to love you because love comes in all different forms. But there’s something about this kind of music that doesn’t make me miss a person, but rather it makes me miss being in love. Is that strange? Does that make me.. weird? Have I been watching too many rom-coms with Noah Centineo? Yeah, probably, honestly.
I’ve never thought of myself as hopeless romantic, but Urban Dictionary kind of makes me think differently -- (n.) These people have larger hearts than the rest of us. They tend to get hurt more than the regular person. It's sad to say that now and a days the romantics hide or they just lose their touch with being a Hopeless Romantic. We live in a time where everyone is hurting each other and everyone is scared to give their 100%. [...] They get hurt because of this but they remain hopeful. Hopeful that one day they find someone for them.
Am I a hopeless romantic or am I just hopeless? //shrug//
