20 Steps to Winning the Corporate Game - Machiavellian Style
#1. Be prepared to sell your soul. If you’re gonna dwell on crap like “integrity” and “honesty,” then you might as well check out early and save yourself the heartache. “Cutthroat politics” is the only way to the top and you need to know that up front.
#2. Mark everyone as a potential enemy. It sounds cruel, yes, but you gotta know that your peers are taking the same approach. They will slash and burn and slice and dice if they see you eyeing the left over muffin much less that new position that’s just opened up.
#3. Suck up, suck up and suck up – to individuals of political clout that is. Unless you’re looking to sit at the Executive level, your perceived “loyalty” alone will get you everywhere. Talent is only 10% of the game, if any.
#4. Lie, lie, lie. Never admit to a mistake. Even if they’ve got proof on ya - deny, deny, deny. Try to pin it on someone else, double talk your way out if it, burn documents, pull dirt on ‘em – do what you gotta do, but don’t even think of coming clean. That would be the work of an amateur.
#5. Try to avoid written discussions/promises on politically sensitive matters at all costs. It goes without saying that oral exchange is always easier to deny than some damning email.
#6. Trust NO ONE – if they’re smiling at ya, chances are they’re slicing ya. Not your manager, not your passive colleague, your perceived friend or even your hamster is to be trusted. Always look twice before crossing the hallway.
#7. Only befriend those who can advance your career – it pays no dividend to latch on to people beneath you. I REPEAT: it pays no dividend to latch on to people beneath you. They are nothing more than worms to step over and are to be ignored at all costs. Use and discard should be your guiding motto.
#8. Always talk and walk like you are a few steps higher than your current job – you need to guide your equally scheming superiors into your next big role.
#9. Talk in BIG circles – the more direct you are, the more it will work against you. With circle talking, you can change your position at will. “Blue murder” they’ll cry, but will they have anything to pin on you?
#10. When possible, seize other peoples work and sell it as yours – if they’re not smart or quick enough to present what’s rightfully theirs, hey, it’s not your fault. The corporate world ain't for dummies and they need to know what’s up.
#11. Forge alliances, not friendships. It’s so much easier to backstab and betray an “associate,” although betraying a so-called friend is still possible and completely acceptable. Remember, you’re in it to “win” it not to get caught up on the useless aspects of human existence which man has curiously called “feelings.” Let covert megalomaniacs Oprah and Phil worry about that sort of stuff, which incidentally pays them millions annually.
#12. Embrace duplicity. Just because you tell your boss that your colleague is unworthy of a promotion it doesn’t mean that you can’t tell your colleague he's a star caliber performer who just can't be passed up for a promotion.
#13. Learn the fine art of manipulation. It’ll keep bitches off your back (note: bitches is used interchangeably here), frightened, loyal, fearful and thankful. Study the strengths and weaknesses of your colleagues carefully and exploit them at every opportunity. Keep ‘em guessing and keep ‘em defensive.
#14. Character assassination – it's your key to squashing those moralizing dissidents. If you launch your campaign early enough, you can rally up enough troops to silence any grievance that might be directed at you. The best defense, indeed, is offence.
#15. Divide and conquer – it’s the oldest strategy in the game and one guaranteed to work!
#16. Master the art of phoniness, “nuance” talk or “diplomacy” as it is known in political circles.
#17. Pretend to be everything to everyone without giving so much as an inch.
#18. Fake, fake, fake – that’ s what you’ll need to be rain or shine. Your true feelings must be concealed at all times.
#19. Image is everything, never mind sprite’s audacious "it’s nothing” declaration. You wanna look important, intriguing and inscrutable. “I've been running behind all day” should be your entrance into every meeting; always look at your watch, walk fast when approached in hallways; leave parties early and even miss one or two occasionally.
#20. Self-preservation – it's the first law of nature and don’t you forget it!
You follow these steps to precision, you’ll be balking orders in no time, raking in some serious dough and sitting pretty at the top, doing absolutely $h&t! To the victor go the spoils, you'll be singing, as you and your 500 closest friends celebrate your arrival in style. A P. Diddy soiree no less, you'll be shaking your ass on the beautiful island of Crete, dressed like a Roman God, popping Cristal and Dom Perignon. And when the $2MM bill arrives on your front steps, you just bill it straight to the company as you have earned every bit of it.
You have mastered the game.
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