Rachel

mostly an online journal to vent 

[therachelstcyr]

7:10am

I can’t help but wonder if I shouldn’t have said those things to you. What would have happened if I didn’t read the signs all wrong? Would we still be friends? Lovers? Or would things be as they are now? I can’t help but let my thoughts linger at all the possibilities. Analyzing every little detail in our words, our touch, it feels like an endless loop of pleasure and misery shared between us.

I’m unhappy, but you aren’t to blame for my sadness, at least I don’t want to put that blame on you. You and I were honest from the start and I was the one who ruined it. I don’t want to sad over you or be sad for me, but it’s the only emotion my brain will let me feel. I try to be happy, I try to ease the sadness little by little, but when I see you, hear you, I can’t stop the urge to cry. Gosh, when did I become so weak, so vulnerable to the pain?

I don’t understand your actions nor can I put the blame on you. Everyone reacts differently, everyone has their reasons. I don’t blame you; I won’t blame you. I’ll try to stop the sadness I feel, the need to try and fix us, but I need you to also stop being there for me. I don’t want to see you sad; I don’t want to see you deprive yourself for others, but at the same time, it’s not my place to care anymore. Maybe I do want you to be sad, to feel the pain I feel, to know what it’s like when you care about someone so much, but they can’t even give a small percentage of reciprocation. I don’t want to care for your happiness and if you’ll ever be happy again. I wish you heartbreak and sorrow for breaking me down, for making me cry every night since you left, for making me feel like I was worthless.

In another life, I wish for our souls to be happy, to never cross paths again. That is my final wish for us.