The Real Crossover

TRANS BLOG for thrash/hardcore kids

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And my hair grew back. But there were definitely moments when I was worried that I was gonna be stuck in this, like, somewhere-in-between boy-girl. I found myself feeling hopeless at times and very lonely and sad. People couldn‘t figure out what I was and if they couldn’t fit me into their stereotypical definition of a boy or girl, they didn’t want anything to do with me. Sometimes I‘d go home and just cry the whole day because I‘d realize that I was just an actress, but for people living out there like this, what a sad place

Hilary Swank (Boy’s Don’t Cry)

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But you can only lie about who you are for so long without going crazy.”

Ellen Wittlinger

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“To those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual,or transgender-let me say- you are not alone. You're struggle, for the end to violence and discrimination, is a shared struggle. Today, I stand with you. And I call upon all countries and people, to stand with you too. A historic shift is underway. We must tackle the violence, decriminalize consensual same sex relationships and end discrimination. We must educate the public. I call on this council and people of conscience to make this happen. The time has come.”

Ban Ki-Moon

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In an age where we consider gender to be a spectrum, it’s very interesting when, as a female, you do not comply with many of the standards associated with being female, and are often made fun, harassed, or just harmlessly made the token tomboy. People will say things like “Have you tried straightening your hair?” “Have you ever worn a dress?” “You are such a guy in a girl’s body!!” “You’re just like one of the boys!” “Have you ever worn make-up??”. However, if we then turn around and say “I’m not comfortable in my own body” or “I don’t feel like a girl”… and actually proclaim that we have difficulty associating with the conformities of our gender, despite the prior comments, we are met with “But you’re so feminine!!” “You such a girl!” “You can only be one or the other” “I’m sure you’ll grow out of it and feel more feminine as you mature”. It leaves many of us in this state of in-between where we are made to feel different for our masculinity, and then when we embrace our masculinity, denied it on account of our physical femininity. There’s my 2 cents.

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Keeping up with everything is hard. The expectations of what you’re supposed to achieve by a particular age despite any trauma, difficulty or socio-enomic struggle you’ve encountered growing up can be monumentally crushing. Add to the the pressure of being trans. The sense of worthlessness and lack of “self” can be unbearable. We spend so much time wishing people would understand what we’ve been through and who we are, and wanting them to treat us with the basic standards with which would so heavily fulfill our dignity as whatever gender we are. Constantly trying to behave and look in a way that would make us “one of the girls” or “one of the boys”…yet at the end of the day our unique struggles and inner strife get in the way of them truly being able to relate to us, to accept us. I for one know that my childhood, in not just the experience of abuse, but also the experience of being trans/queer, has been marred by sorrow so much to the point that any nostalgic discussion with mates so quickly turns into painful memories. Things that remind people of the “good old days” often remind us of what we’re trying to forget or get away from. We’ll never be quite the same as people who’ve had happy healthy childhoods…but I hope one day society makes it easier for both victims of trauma, adversity and LGBTI youth to have a better quality of life, better memories, and less of a feeling of isolation.

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In many ways, the struggle of being constantly preoccupied with the everyday dilemmas of being trans or queer, can distract us, and others around us, from fully realizing the whole of our identity. People may see us a confused, or odd person instead of say, “that artist guy”, or we may spend hours perfecting our breast-binding when we could have been practicing our bass solo for next week. It’s not far that we pass off these emotionally challenging inhibitions as being vain or a waste of time. They aren’t meaningless time-wasters equated with accidentally watching to much game of thrones, or day dreaming about the week-end. It’s a constant quandary and it’s hard to sit back and commit to those things, those hobbies and interests we so much enjoy when we have so much to think about. In the end though, these are the things that make us a full, rounded person that is so much more than our gender, or the way we look. I introduce myself as a bassist or artist first. The trans part comes later…even if that’s whats on my mind today.

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In many ways, the struggle of being constantly preoccupied with the everyday dilemmas of being trans or queer, can distract us, and others around us, from fully realizing the whole of our identity. People may see us a confused, or odd person instead of say, “that artist guy”, or we may spend hours perfecting our breast-binding when we could have been practicing our bass solo for next week. It’s not far that we pass off these emotionally challenging inhibitions as being vain or a waste of time. They aren’t meaningless time-wasters equated with accidentally watching to much game of thrones, or day dreaming about the week-end. It’s a constant quandary and it’s hard to sit back and commit to those things, those hobbies and interests we so much enjoy when we have so much to think about. In the end though, these are the things that make us a full, rounded person that is so much more than our gender, or the way we look. I introduce myself as a bassist or artist first. The trans part comes later...even if that’s whats on my mind today. (Picture, Death Metal band Derketa)

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If you refer to my prior post about the expectations of adverse youth to succeed, you’ll see why I like this Crytpic Slaughter graphic and slogan so much. Set your own pace. As DRI says “You can always catch up in the end”. 

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Keeping up with everything is hard. The expectations of what you’re supposed to achieve by a particular age despite any trauma, difficulty or socio-enomic struggle you’ve encountered growing up can be monumentally crushing. Add to the the pressure of being trans. The sense of worthlessness and lack of “self” can be unbearable. We spend so much time wishing people would understand what we’ve been through and who we are, and wanting them to treat us with the basic standards with which would so heavily fulfill our dignity as whatever gender we are. Constantly trying to behave and look in a way that would make us “one of the girls” or “one of the boys”...yet at the end of the day our unique struggles and inner strife get in the way of them truly being able to relate to us, to accept us. I for one know that my childhood, in not just the experience of abuse, but also the experience of being trans/queer, has been marred by sorrow so much to the point that any nostalgic discussion with mates so quickly turns into painful memories. Things that remind people of the “good old days” often remind us of what we’re trying to forget or get away from. We’ll never be quite the same as people who’ve had happy healthy childhoods...but I hope one day society makes it easier for both victims of trauma, adversity and LGBTI youth to have a better quality of life, better memories, and less of a feeling of isolation. 

[therealcrossover-blog]

In an age where we consider gender to be a spectrum, it's very interesting when, as a female, you do not comply with many of the standards associated with being female, and are often made fun, harassed, or just harmlessly made the token tomboy. People will say things like "Have you tried straightening your hair?" "Have you ever worn a dress?" "You are such a guy in a girl's body!!" "You're just like one of the boys!" "Have you ever worn make-up??". However, if we then turn around and say "I'm not comfortable in my own body" or "I don't feel like a girl"... and actually proclaim that we have difficulty associating with the conformities of our gender, despite the prior comments, we are met with "But you're so feminine!!" "You such a girl!" "You can only be one or the other" "I'm sure you'll grow out of it and feel more feminine as you mature". It leaves many of us in this state of in-between where we are made to feel different for our masculinity, and then when we embrace our masculinity, denied it on account of our physical femininity. There's my 2 cents.

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The masculine female, or tomboy, has a legacy. One that I like to immerse myself in to make myself feel better about my gender. It speaks of the underdog, or the outcast, the little kid trying to fit in. Something about the tomboy instantly reminds me of childhood, interestingly enough, being that as trans people, our childhood, or adolescence, isn’t filled with the care-free happiness we see in the images of skating or base-ball playing little tomboys. Our narrative is filled with suffering. We evolve with suffering, and each time we make a break through in building our self, we get hit with another blow. It’s an arduous journey. So we have to reclaim our lost childhood through embracing playfulness and contentment in our adult life. The rough adult stuff everyone else is experiencing is no new thing to us. Adulthood means we have more decisions, and I make the decision to act like a big fucking kid. 

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If you’re here, you already know that gender is a vast spectrum. Most of us find out the hard way, in our teen/early adult years, when everyone else is already acne ridden and uncomfortable with their body. It’s no easy going to school every day wearing the boy’s school uniform with giant F cup titties underneath, acne ridden and with mates few and far between. Having no clue where you’ll end up or how. What’s lost somewhere in all the suffering, dysphoria and bullying is a sense of dignity. Of sexual confidence, of feeling attractive. Because society says we’re not. Having traits of both genders is deemed ugly. I try to remind myself everyday that it’s not, and what way more important is what you’re actually doing with your life. Looking at pictures of androgynous supermodels (though I will admit the skinny-centrism, which I do not vouch for), and happy smiling women doing men’s things makes me feel better. I hope that it also makes you feel better. Because whenever I see the odd one out, that little chick that’s in the big group of blokes who are all taller than her, I always think of myself as they desperate struggle to simultaneous do what they love, and be accepted at the same time.