This is What Ripping Off the Bandaid Feels Like...
“Life” happens, right?… sometimes you see it coming and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you make life happen, and that’s the beauty in it.
Well, in the past year I’ve had no shortage of “Life” happening. From the incredible high of executing my work team’s most successful event in the books and being positively overwhelmed with the feeling that finally, after years of philanthropic work my efforts had finally paid off in making a difference, raising almost a million dollars for cancer research – the culmination of it all brought me to tears. But only a few days later after returning home from the IRONMAN Lake Placid event my husband literally ran out on me, in the middle of the night. Life happened at 4:15AM on August 7th, 2015; I stood there lost as I battled between feelings of infuriation that he left, half-wasted, driving off into the dark with no explanation why, verses concern and confusion about why all of this was happening and if the boy I had been in love with for almost 7 and half years was okay… in all senses of the word.
He eventually returned but the holes in our foundation were now concreted into the infrastructure of our marriage, glaring at us. Disturbing conversations were uncovered and dissected, I was dissected, by myself and by my significant other. All the while, as I dug my feet into the dirt to try to resurrect our love, his life was indeed happening… but with someone else, an easy three hours north. What had happened to our life? My life? How do I continue in this life?...
You don’t. It was that simple I realized… quickly. Life happens. Get your ass up off your bathroom floor, mop up that puddle of tears you’ve been soaking in and take care of what you can (yourself!), and know what and who is completely out of your control. It was now time to rebuild my life. Brick by brick I’m piecing my little shattered life back together – bricks made of strength, honesty, validation, love, and peace. Each one building a new life, not fixing the one I’ve inevitably left behind and look back on less and less with each bright day I’ve drawn in since it came to a screeching halt.
Strength – 1 Day. That’s what I gave myself. He and I drove back from an event in Ohio in November where he (and our marriage) ultimately met his booze-soaked demise, in the longest 8 hour drive of our lives as I pulled and pried every disgusting and disrespectful detail about his affair out of him. I reeled it all in, not wanting to ever wake up in the future and have a single question about who, what, when, where, and HOW. ...How on earth, after all I had put up with, could this boy have done this to me? Sometimes things just don’t make sense, and I find SO MUCH strength and comfort in the fact that I have no idea how anyone could ever do what he/they did to me and our marriage. I am proud that I “don’t get it.”
One of my best friends, Brittany, met me at my house upon my return; in the dark we packed up the pictures, our jointly monogrammed wedding gifts, that weren’t even old enough to have dust or fade. Eventually at 3am I cried my stubborn eyes out after they had seemingly been locked up all day out of shock that the truth was all finally coming out. The next day I took off from work to gather myself, talk to lawyers, etc., but that was it, life had to go on. So off to work, the gym, to my friend’s apartment I went on that all-too-demanding Tuesday. Brittany had me at the gym or coaching basketball with her as much as possible and as my body got stronger my mind and soul did as well. I shed 17 pounds and years of anguish, resentment, and sorrow. There’s no place for that in the body. Replace it with Strength.
Honesty – There’s the obvious… and then there’s the most important gift I’ve given myself – learning to be honest with myself about who I am, what I can do, and what I simply cannot change has rewarded me over and over again in the past 6 months.
Validation – Life happens… validate it. If I woke up and couldn’t get a feeling out of my head and heart, I learned how to validate it. Ignoring feelings – good, bad, ugly, miserable, and indifference – don’t get you anywhere fast …or good, for that matter. How could I ever move forward if I didn’t deal with whatever each day threw at me? This was a part of my new life I had to build, so I had to accept it and process, and then I could carry on.
Love – For the first time in my life, when I felt like Love had ultimately failed me, I learned to redirect my thoughts and realized that I had to turn to love and believe in it in order to get through this. I have never let my family and my closest friends into my heart as much as I did back in November and the months since, but I needed their love, and damn, did they bring it! I have never felt more loved in my life. I am truly surrounded by the most amazing people.
Peace – I lost, tossed, and cut out a lot of the pieces of my life to finally find peace, a concept exceptionally foreign to me, Miss Sociable, Miss Always-Too-Busy, the clotheshorse of the family, and borderline hoarder of trinkets because I filled everything with some sort of darling importance. It was impressive to me how much I could throw away in order to find peace, and what’s been even more impressive is as of lately I’ve pulled back almost completely from my normal social scene. Having your entire intimate life filleted open for all to see in the most embarrassing and selfish way possible will teach you a lesson or two about just how important it is to keep some things to yourself, certain relationships, whereabouts, etc. all private. I know everyone’s looking, most I hope out of care & concern, but it’s not comfortable being in this type of spotlight – I didn’t work for such a public acknowledgement and the droves of onlookers, this was never in my life’s plan. Peace has become my playmate, reminding me to keep it light, stay positive, and keep what’s truly important to yourself and those extremely close to you. So you can imagine how shaky my hands are writing about this, but if it’s peace I’m looking for and inquiring minds I wish to quiet down, here it is.
That’s my blueprint, those are my bricks. As I continue to rebuild it’s all getting that much easier. I’ve learned to say ‘Yes!’ instead of ‘Maybe..’ or ‘I can’t..’ Yes to new friendships, yes to new love, yes to new adventures, habits, and experiences. For God’s sakes I am even trying new foods – something unbelievable to those who know how annoyingly picky I am. ‘Yes’ has led to a lot of great new things with plenty more to come. Today I decided that in celebration of the mountain I’ve climbed this past year, that it’s time to do something really audacious and rewarding, so I’ve committed to climb a different kind of mountain. I officially joined the Mt. Kilimanjaro Trek team I manage through work. I’m taking on the highest free-standing mountain in the world next February with my organization – The Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation - MMRF. Because I can, because I should, and because this organization, my colleagues, and the caretakers/athletes and cancer patients I work every day have brought me so much joy and light during what could’ve been undoubtedly the darkest time of my life.
A patient, Gary, whom I’ve known since the early moments of his journey with this blood cancer is climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro with the MMRF this year and Gary has this saying he always signs off all of his updates and emails with, “Never Quit. Never Stop. Not Today. Not Ever.” This mantra has enlightened so many, and I learned to use it myself all the time. Because Life Happens. Life will absolutely knock you to your knees one day, whether it’s your health, your marriage, or something else life-altering... but all you have to do is get back up and have faith in yourself every day, own your life! Yes, some days I feel like I have such a long way to go to lose the pain that brews inside me, but most of the time, if I can be honest, I feel like I’ve been given the greatest second chance at happiness and a great life that I could have ever asked for. I am so thankful for everyone that is a part of my life and for everything lying ahead of me. It’s been a long but glorious 6 months, and I am ready for more…
Life happens. We each have our own mountains to climb, but Gary and I (and 13 other amazing people!) are going to take on Kilimanjaro together :) For more about my climb or to donate, visit:
http://support.themmrf.org/goto/KelleyDoesKili
Thanks all for listening and for your patience and for giving me privacy the last few months. Look for more positive updates to come about this next step in my journey to the top! I promise they’ll be shorter :)
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