see the universe in my eyes

The Great Manifesto: The urge to be, to count for something, and if death must come, to die valiantly, with acclamation -- in short, to remain a memory. note: some of the pictures used in this blog are not from the blogger, but everything is edited by him.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

They said the end is coming. Everyone's up to something. I find myself running home to your sweet nothings.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

03-09 to 13-2024.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

03-09 to 13-2024.

My friends and I went to Singapore for the Eras Tour (Night 6). We took advantage of the chance to also explore the city/country.

It was my second time here, but the first one was not much as I was not able to explore it a lot.

For my second time, my friends did not hesitate to make an itinerary that ensured we would not go back here anymore (haha). It’s not that we didn’t enjoy it here, it’s just that, outside its attractions, Singapore was not it.

As the type of people who like to hang out and party around, the energy it gave us was kind of not within our vibe.

While roaming around, we had a discussion about what is Singapore. Because in other countries — or even the Philippines — when you get there, you’ll see a rich culture and heritage from the get-go, but in Singapore, you only see a rich country with no identity (I guess??). It’s just a place with diverse people, but has no culture(???).

I’m not sure about this anymore (haha).

Anyway, it was fun nonetheless. We were able to explore everything during our whole trip. Took the “walkable” city too literally, as we walked a lot — glad I was born and raised in Makati (if you know what I mean).

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

11-01-2023.

1989-themed party with friends

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

Recently bought a new mirrorless camera. What’s other best way to practice on than my now boyfriend? Hahaha

Loving this oldie vibe I was able to create through Adobe Lightroom. I can definitely tell that there’s a huge difference when you edit an image from phone and from a camera.

I’m so happy on what was I able to create as a beginner.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

Past Lives (2023) dir. Celine Song

i don't know where to begin my thoughts, i have been holding myself from watching this as i know it could easily free those repressed emotions.

however, i'm glad i did and i'm glad i get to feel those while watching this. because i get to embrace them and feel them wholeheartedly.

enough of those what could have beens.

what i really loved about this film was the usage of the film camera colors when they were together in new york, as it elicited the mood that they were in fact reliving their past lives, and making up for 'what could have beens'.

no matter if we are already living in the past life and we don't know what's going on in the future, what's important is we are happy to where we are today.

you dream in a language i can’t understand

that scene where nora and arthur were talking about what happened that day was so precious to me.

i’d probably write a better review of this once i have gathered all my thoughts about it — i look forward to rewatching it soon.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

As a big Greta Gerwig fan, the minute I knew she was directing the Barbie movie, I knew it would be a massive hit.

I did not expect that the Barbenheimer schtick they were doing in Letterboxd a few months (or a year?) back was THAT SERIOUS. Because that was literally a cultural reset in the film industry. I do not think they did this intentionally.

Anyway, onto the movie. I actually loved it. Not the strongest or best Gerwig film, but it was something. The feminist message was so outright you just really have to watch and understand what was being said.

I am also kind of neutral if I liked that monologue uttered by America, but we know it has to be there for the movie. But as some who knows Gerwig, I think this monologue is my least favorite. Of course, the one I liked most was the one from Lady Bird.

I am also very amazed when I figured that the set of Barbie Land was not CGI. I know that we should not be too mesmerized seeing movies made this way since they ALWAYS do this before, but the industry is swamped with Marvel movies that rely on heavy CGI, which is why it is refreshing to see that they still do this.

Overall, I really loved Barbie. I enjoyed it. It definitely lived up to my expectations. And it is the first movie I watched with Dave in the cinema which made it more enjoyable for me. Well, it was not just the two of us since we were with my former workmates, but the thought was there (haha).

But I will definitely rewatch this together with my best friends. If you have time, watch this too. Do not listen to that one beauty queen who thinks it was mehhh and felt like a school project (as if it's an insult?).

---

One thing I also enjoyed about this Barbie phenomenon is that it makes dressing up a requirement. Like if you did not plan what to wear when you watch this, what are you even doing? One person from Twitter even said that let's make this a regular thing -- to which I very much agree since it was so fun dressing up.

Anyway, just a little backstory on what I wore. I know it did not look appropriate since 1.) IT'S NOT PINK 2.) It looks too cold. But to tell you the truth, it was not THAT cold in the cinema, I'm not sure why, but it is not hot either. It is just mid.

So I have been planning what to wear for this occasion a week prior since I am very much waiting for this. I have prepared in my head that I will wear this ONLY pink polo I have and this pair of pants. Then, Thursday night came, and I was packing up what to bring to the place I booked with Dave for the weekend, I realized that the pants I was planning to wear were not in my closet yet (or had not been ironed yet). So I had to think of what to wear last minute (haha).

This is the look I decided to have since it is the one I had when we went to OBar last month. I realized that I have no pictures from that night, which is why I should take this opportunity to pull it off again and take a few good pictures (haha).

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

Dating in my late 20s

It’s probably one of the best decisions I made in my life. I know it sounds boring not having to date in my teenage years or even in my early 20s -- and I swear, I have been there; wanting to pursue someone I like or feeling this kind of hurt when someone I fell in love with did not reciprocate the same love I gave -- but there’s some sort of security that dating in my late 20s has made me feel; like I’m glad I did not commit myself to anyone in the past 25 years of my life.

I knew in my younger years that I could not handle a romantic relationship yet. I felt very unstable. And I do not think I am one to heal someone else’s trauma as well. When we were young and full of uncertainties in life, we tend to depend many things on other people -- maybe it’s human nature. And that’s fine.

And maybe it’s also the effect of what we see in movies and television shows, or what we hear in love songs or read in books -- that’s why we crave that kind of affection from someone else. And it’s completely fine to want that when you’re young because it’s happy and you learn many things about yourself in every people you choose to love and be with.

I remember always having to install and uninstall several dating applications in my phone because there is this recurring feeling of wanting to connect with someone else and then later on losing that feeling, which ends to me ghosting that person. And sometimes, I’m the one who got ghosted. 

There are moments when I feel vulnerable to some people I talk with or I knew online, and there are moments when I feel like I just want to talk dirty with them or exchange nudes. There are also moments when I just want to feel some validation by collecting matches.

And when those feelings pass, I would just uninstall the apps, archive chat boxes, and continue living the life of not wanting to be in a relationship (haha). I even branded myself as undateable because I do not think I am for this dating scene -- and I accepted the fact that I am going to grow old alone, and I am at peace with that thought.

But then late last year, I started to explore more after freeing myself from this feeling I have imprisoned myself with. I know it’s also my fault why I did not get to date with other people in the past few years, but it was also a choice I made. It has come to end when I decided to open myself.

As you all know, I am currently dating someone, and I feel like I made a few posts about him here. His name is Dave. Since meeting him, I felt like my life has changed already -- positively. But also because I feel like I am ready to be there with someone already.

You know this wonderful quote from Flipped by Van Draanen:

Some of us get dipped in flat, some in satin, some in gloss, but every once in a while you find someone who's iridescent, and once you do, nothing will ever compare.

That’s who Dave is to me. He is someone iridescent who came to my life, and is not necessarily unexpected, but I guess it’s the right time. Because I am ready. 

If he came to my life a month or a few months back since the first day we met, I have probably ghosted him too before even meeting him.

There are many things that happened since we started dating, and I feel like I have matured in this relationship. I never knew I can handle this kind of commitment -- that fear is not there anymore. 

And what’s good about this, is after almost a year, we never fought about anything petty or small things that I knew I’d be arguing with if I ever dated in my younger years. 

Maybe because it comes with the knowledge I do not want to fight over something that can be easily discussed or communicated with, and he has that same mind-set. I actually learned that thing from him as well, because in the early days of our dating life, I used to worry when he has this tone that he’s arguing with me on something. But then he often said that we’re not fighting, we’re just discussing about it.

That’s a life-changing perspective. To not treat or think every discussion as if you are being argued or fought with. I never knew I could be with someone who can appease my fear of always making a mistake and being scolded from it. 

With Dave, I get this assurance that it’s fine if I made this mistake, we will just talk about it and learn from it. Afterward, no issues about it will ever come up anymore.

Anyway, I guess my point is, I am glad that I decided to start dating in my late 20s -- or at least, to seriously date. Because I am confident that I am mature to handle a relationship because I do not need them to help me heal my inner child. I am done healing my inner child by myself.

Now that we are near the first year of getting to know each other, I just want Dave to know that I am so thankful to have him in my life. And I want to spend the coming years of my life with him.

To grow with someone else when you are younger is something and should be treasured (definitely!), but to be someone grown with someone is something special I am glad I got.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

My pride celebration for this year is different. I won’t be attending the march, but I have been to OBar last night with some of my work friends.

I’ve been wanting to see a live drag show ever since I started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race to experience the scene in the Philippines.

This is definitely one of the best times I ever had coming to a bar. I feel like crying everytime a new queen comes out of the stage to perform to a song I know — from the artists I adore. My god I longed to hear these gay anthems in the bars I have been to in Poblacion.

I didn’t expect to feel this euphoria — and haven’t felt this kind of euphoria in years (I guess). I just missed the feeling of being in a place with the people of my kind to celebrate who we are. Without the fear being judged or discriminated.

Anyway, happy pride to all of us today. 🏳️‍🌈I fucking love being gay.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

i’m loving how my body looks right now. it feels like it’s in its best — and i’m loving myself better.

i feel like fitness is a great way to build a better relationship with yourself. well, it doesn’t always mean you have to be buff or muscle-y, it just means you look and feel good when you look at yourself in the mirror and at the same time you feel healthy.

anyway, here’s a quick life update. haha i know it has been months since i wrote a thing, but it guess here’s a better normal on my writing.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

08-01-2022.

"Time does not heal the wound, it only lets you learn how to live with it -- how to tolerate the wound."

It's a non-verbatim quote that I got from my therapist earlier. So, finally, after almost two months of not scheduling a session with him, we have finally met again.

He asked me how was I because he noticed that my mood tracker was filled with red around June, and then there were more around mid-July. I actually thought he stopped checking it out, but turned out he was seeing it once every two weeks.

Anyway, I told him about Marvin and how I was trying to move on from the situation to which he discussed about the famous five stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). I knew about this already, but what I learned from him was that, these stages or cycle were not linear. There are days that when you may feel like you are both in the denial and anger stages, or they may be days that you may be in the anger and depression stages. And it made sense because I realized that there were days when I feel like I was in the bargaining stage, and then days where I go back to feeling angry.

This was where I realized that a few weeks back, I was in the anger stage and I made the wrong decision to express that anger to another person. This was the time when I established that I am not really getting near the healing -- and it's okay because our healing process is unique with each other.

My therapist also advised to name my feelings or emotions because through that, I will be able to know how to handle or tolerate them better.

I liked it that I was able to push through with this session again because I have been needing this since June. I learned a lot from this session.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

Last July 5 marked the first month of my fitness journey. And by fitness journey, I meant the time I randomly subscribed to a gym membership because they were offering a promo.

I used to hate working out because I despise sweating. And I perspire a lot. I do not want to engage myself in extensive activities that will easily tire me, but then again, I was so insecure about my belly. No matter how much I try to shoo away the image of me looking like pregnant man in his second quarter, I always hated how it looks whenever I look in the mirror.

That is why it was a milestone. Your local homebuddy survived a month of going outside his room to work his ass out. I did not know that paying two thousand a month was the only motivation I needed.

I usually do not trust myself in keeping things consistent. And I owe it to my friends -- who also became my accountability buddies -- for pushing me to keep it up.

A month-long routine of going to the gym is such a huge-ass responsibility that I feel I owe myself with. Even though we always advocate for body positivity, I feel like this mindset has also caused me to settle for less when I can be more than that. We can love our body, but we can always love it more by taking good care of it.

The benefits did not just manifest physically. My mental health improved a lot. I believe this is more important to me than anything else. Going through a heartbreak was tough, and if was just stuck inside my room the whole time, best believe you would see me next in ashes.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

On July 1st, I finally earned the guts to meet someone up for a "brief encounter" (lol). Rushed myself to finish my routine in the gym, and I waited for him for about an hour since he got stuck in traffic (he was from QC). I told him if we can just meet halfway since he lives too far from where I am, but he insisted to meet me in Makati.

It had been years since I last met someone for a hook up, and I was not sure how to interact with strangers -- as someone who stutters every fucking time. I do not know either where I got the energy to do this, but I think it was an unhealthy way to cope and self-destruct from a heartbreak (Fuck you, Marv). I do not plan to keeping it consistent.

Anyway, so he said he was in the basement parking of Glorietta 5. And for the first time in my life, I got lost in a mall I grew up in. I could not find him (haha). I think, it took me 10 minutes before I located his black SUV.

At first, I was not sure if I should do it. He kept asking me if I was okay and if the location was convenient for me. We did not plan checking in. He said he just wanted to do it in his car. I told him I did not think it was safe that we do it in the basement parking of Glorietta because a lot of people were walking past us. And sometimes, headlights were literally lighting us up (haha).

So, we transferred somewhere in Mandaluyong. Coincidentally, my first encounter was also in Mandaluyong (haha). And there it happened. I am not going into details, but that was satisfying as fuck. Compared to my previous encounter, this brought me to heaven (sorry, Jesus).

He was pretty intimate before, during, and after. We talked about stuff as we let the time flew by. We did not even notice it was late already.

I realized these were the things I did not let myself experience. I closed my doors to other possibilities because of falling in love with someone for too fucking long whom I know would lead me nowhere (Alexa play Chasing Pavements by Adele).

I used the picture of a blooming flower for this short story to signify a blooming gay boy trying to explore the world he did not let himself in. It is about damn time we put this dick to good use (haha).

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

07-16 to 17-2022.

Spent my weekend with someone who I have been talking with for the past two weeks. I was not really looking forward to this at first since we were both busy with work and our schedules literally could not meet. He is working night shift so when I am awake, he is already asleep.

Anyway, the excitement arose when he finally booked our Airbnb and nothing could stop it anymore. I was also kind of feeling nervous, of course, since I do not know him for too long yet.

---

Saturday went pretty slow. He spent 25 minutes cleaning himself in the shower while I watch this Tiny Desk concert of Harry Styles (haha). Later on, he said he was tired and wanted to sleep so I let him. I let the time pass by taking a short nap and watching Breath of the Wild gameplays on Youtube.

The rain was pouring hard last night, but I was not really not aware of its intensity until I saw videos on Tiktok earlier.

Anyway, when we woke up, we ordered dinner but he did not eat much. Afterward, we cleaned up and then 👉👌💦 happened.

---

What was truly remarkable about this experience was not really the sex part. Although it was really exciting and new experience, I really enjoyed the company, intimacy, and how we were able to connect in those moments when we were doing nothing. We watched drag race or talk about random stuff.

From this, I remember one of my favorite queer films, Weekend (2011) dir. Andrew Haigh. It was about two gay men who also spent a weekend together and how they were able to connect with one another.

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"I want to know your body, I want to know how you feel, I want to know you, and through you, me." - André Aciman, Call Me By Your Name

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

PRIDE 2022

My friends and I went to the Pride event last Saturday in Pasay. I was not actually planning to go there because I was not feeling okay, but my friends insisted.

I just wanted to note too that these friends of mine are all straight, and it was very touching that they were the ones who keep on pushing me that we go here. They even said, "wala naman kaming pake kung [broken-hearted] ka ee, di naman tayo pupunta dun para lang sa'yo."

It makes sense, the event would still push through even if I was not feeling it. And my friends will still want to go there. However, we did not stay long since we have to go somewhere else after.

This is a different Pride experience, and I am not sure if I still want to go there again.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

So, it's been a week since my friends and I went to Iloilo-Guimaras, and it's actually kind of a bittersweet experience going there.

A month ago, as we were making our plans / itinerary, we thought we would go there with Leni winning the elections. But that didn't happen. And it was a sad and very depressing moment in our lives. We weren't feeling celebratory. We didn't have the motivation to finish our itinerary.

We flew to Iloilo without any concrete itinerary, we just listed down the possible places we can go to. Going here gave us a cup of comfort because Iloilo-Guimaras are both Pink provinces. To be in a place where you know people supported one of the best presidential candidates was such a comforting experience.

Even though we weren't able to tour on a lot of places in Iloilo, it was still a magical place to be in. Anyway, Guimaras offers a quick tour around the province so were able to enjoy it more (+ we stayed there for a day for the beach and island hopping).

Hay. I miss Iloilo & Guimaras.

[thereasonwhyihavetoexistuniverse]

MITING DE AVANCE. the last day of the campaign. we fought a good fight. i hope we win.