Hot Sauce and Coffee

Being spicy since 1984.

[theredhairedhipster]

I’m easily the most toxic person I know.

The end

[theredhairedhipster]

[theredhairedhipster]

I hate everyone. I hate this time in my life. Hovering between getting short term fun but missing the constant friendship of something more permanent.

I hate everyone. I hate that my life was imploded by a narcissist who had no reason to be one.

I hate everyone because he keeps trying to get back into my life, the one person I don’t want to care and he wants to tell me he cares?! YOU MESSED UP. YOU LOST the best thing you’ll ever have in your life. EXIT STAGE LEFT. Don’t keep popping up to check in on me, you broke my heart and didn’t flinch.

.

[theredhairedhipster]

A tear just rolled down my cheek.

This is the fourth day I’ve had without any human interaction.

I call my mom and that frustrates me.

I watch the news and that scares me.

I play with my cat for a bit and I think this isn’t that bad.

I go on Facebook and I see my friends, quarantined with their little nuclear families.

I walk around my house naked in my robe glad I don’t have kids.

I have a glass of wine and cry because reality is I’m alone.

Reality is that guy I met on a dating app isn’t someone I’m going to be with ten years from now or ever.

Reality is I’m more alone than I’ve ever been.

Reality right now sucks. Not because I’m bored or because I’m scared but because IT SUCKS.

I’M SO ALONE I just want to scream.

There’s no one.

I have my family, but they’re all at least 2000+ miles away. My closest family member is in Texas. I’m in Massachusetts.

No one cares about the 35 year old single girl complaining about being stuck at home alone wondering how she’s going to pay for her life.

That’s not of importance.

I guarantee you if I fell ill tomorrow, they’d say she’s got no kids, had cancer, is an organ donor, why save her?

And that’s what my life has come to, that me dying could save more people than me being alive.

But I’m being morbid.

[theredhairedhipster]

Please do me a favor, if you do not have to fly, DON’T. Flight attendants are not granted proper PPE protections the way nurses and doctors and first responders are. We come to work unaided by the companies we work for. We put ourselves on the line to get you to where you hopefully ABSOLUTELY NEED TO BE. Just because it’s cheap to fly DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD. Tomorrow I’m scheduled to work a flight to Saint Thomas and back, hopefully these people are trying to get home. If I see a family going on or coming home from vacation I’m going to cry. #crewlife #flightattendantsneedppetoo #stopflying

[theredhairedhipster]

This time is going to be extremely hard for me.

The day after the super bowl I I broke up with and kicked my boyfriend of 6 1/2 years out of our apartment.

We had just gone to Cancun on what I thought was a romantic vacation to start over after what had been an extremely difficult year where we almost broke up about 5 times. In my head I thought we were on a path to rebuilding our relationship and leaving the hurdles in the past. Yet for some reason I still had an exit strategy planned in the back of my head knowing he had a tendency to not follow through with things we discussed about our relationship. Which after finding out he had been cheating on me for years and was into a 16 year old made my decision to leave so much easier than putting myself through more pain of trying to make things work with him.

But now with all this going on and having to sit at home by myself alone, or go on walks alone, or go to work and get looked at funny because I’m at the highest risk of getting it because my employer doesn’t provide the things I need to keep myself safe. I’m going crazy.

There’s a lot of quiet time to get angry about how he treated me. A lot of quiet time to imagine how this could have been if he were here (not that I want him here but having someone, ANYONE, to play Monopoly with would be nice)

I need this to be over for my emotional well being and it’s not got an end in sight.

[theredhairedhipster]

Hi from the front line of AAALLLL THE SICKNESS,

Take your vitamin C, Wash your hands.

I’ll post more seriously about my thoughts on infectious diseases later but for now don’t panic, your favorite flight attendant is still here.

[theredhairedhipster]

Way to go Amy at @stitchfix!!!! You totally nailed it this time! Best fix ever! All the colors are neutral! All the pieces go together! Look at me in these three pieces! I LOVE THESE JEANS!! 🥰🥰You got me to give a dorky thumbs up 👍🏻 and you get a virtual high five!!! 🖐🏻 #THESEJEANS #mycolorlesswardrobe #laundrydayhair #nomakeup #stitchfix

[theredhairedhipster]

To help me sleep and ward off whatever is floating around that y'all got. #cantgetsick #wontgetsick #oilylifeforme #thieves #bergamot #cedarwood #yleo

[theredhairedhipster]

Sad about having to work four flights tomorrow so I diffused this for a #pickmeup. And now my house smells happy. I just love it. And the fact that I can smell this in my bedroom and the diffuser is in the living room is some sort of #miracle

[theredhairedhipster]

Since last I was here

So, you know it’s been a while since I've let my mouth run here.

I’m sorry for the barrage of pictures without words, thoughts,or feelings.  I miss writing.

So here I am.

Last year was really rough on me and I didn’t tell a lot of people about it because I didn’t want people to think that I was just looking for the sympathy. The people who needed to know, knew. That was all that mattered to me, but then I internalized a lot of the rest of the stuff that I thought and went through... probably not a great idea.

So lets talk about what happened to me last year...

On January 2, my grandpa died. It hurt, A LOT. I was on my way to CA to visit him for the first time in 6 months, and 10 hours before I was scheduled to land, he passed.  In the middle of the night, quietly. He was 90 so I knew what was coming, but that 10 hours hurt.

In March, I was thrown into the overhead bins at work, and tweaked my back so bad that I woke up two days later unable to walk.

Three days after that happened I got the phone call from my dermatologist saying that my biopsy had come back, and I had melanoma. MELANOMA. Not the normal skin cancer that I thought I would likely have, but the most deadly form of cancer you could possibly get on your skin.

In April I had surgery, which left me with two scars that I’m hoping heal so I don’t continue to contemplate getting a tattoo over, because I hate needles.

Summer came with it’s carefree days, and I started to feel like maybe the last half of the year would be good. That there would be something good during the last half, and then 12 days before the end of the month my roommate told me that she was moving out, and that since we had paid first and last month’s rent when we moved in, she wasn’t going to pay for the next month. Which was just the start of my fixating on money, because I now had none and was living paycheck to paycheck even more than I was before.

Here’s the thing, I KNOW things could have been a lot worse.  I know that.

I just hope to grow from them by remembering them.

My goal for 2017 is to take life by the horns and turn my life around.  I don’t want to live from paycheck to paycheck any longer and I don’t want to bury myself under a mountain of debt ever again.

I have a chance to do this by sharing what has turned into an “accidental second job,” my friend dared me to sell something that I’d been using to a friend, and of course I took the dare (I didn’t sell the to the friend she dared me to, but I did sell a kit.. which was money in my pocket)

So here goes nothing.

[theredhairedhipster]

20 years ago my dad married this awesome lady. I got a sister cuz she had a daughter. We became a family. It was like a smaller version of the Brady Bunch without the maid. We have had ups and downs and through it all, we grew together and loved each other and I couldn't ask for a better step-mom! (Or sister) I couldn't have a better dad to begin with, and that he found the most amazing woman to love and cherish forever and the example of love they have shown me over the years, the work that they put into making each other's dreams happen, the way they support each other, has set an example for Nicole and I that I cherish forever and hope to replicate in my relationships. Dad and Terri, I love you both so much! May God continue to bless your marriage for many more years to come! All my love from the Right Coast!

[theredhairedhipster]

Sometimes I look out the window from my office and I try to capture some amazing sights. But then I take a picture and I realize that no image I take will ever do what I'm looking at right this minute any sort of justice. Sunsets happen in a moments time and then that moment is gone and all you're left with is a memory. Hopefully it's a good one, but maybe it's a sad one. If last year taught me anything it's to cherish tiny moments that mean nothing but can mean everything. Fight for things you love and things you believe in. Fight for WHO you love, and make the itty bitty teeny tiny insignificant moments you have with those people matter. It could always be better or worse, but live for now because tomorrow isn't promised to you. I struggle to remember that a lot. I'm working on it.

[theredhairedhipster]

Having a lazy day off. Reading @lindsayteague ‘s book. Drinking coffee, and questioning whether this is a day off or not. 2017, me and my dreams are coming for you. This is the year I stop living paycheck to paycheck.

[theredhairedhipster]

I used to blog...

I haven't written in anything for a very long time.

How to start again?? 

Maybe this is the year... 

[theredhairedhipster]

My kitchen smells AMAZING right now. Whipped coconut oil (hoping mixing in some jojoba helps me not react badly) with lemongrass, Melrose, Elemi, Lavender, and Ylang Ylang!!! My hands won't know what hit them. #fightingeczema #yleo #altheoils #happynewyear

[theredhairedhipster]

Meanwhile in Massachusetts... #waterban #snow