A New Year: Resolve to Stop People-Pleasing.
“Dear God, my prayer for 2014 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.” ~Anonymous
I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions, but I love the idea of living intentionally. So, during several sessions this week I asked clients about their goals for the coming year.
One client stated: “ I want to be okay with myself.”
I asked her to break this down. What would it really look like to be “okay” with herself? How can we be accepting of who we are as women in a culture that constantly tells us we’re not enough? I’m not pointing fingers (only because I don’t know who is really to blame), but we see it in ads, movies, magazines, social media. The message consistently challenges the belief of “I’m okay” and leads us to believe that we’re not pretty enough; not thin enough; not successful or rich enough. It seems that there will always be someone who wants to point out all the ways you aren’t quite enough. In fact, sometimes that “someone” is closer to home than the media. It might be a friend. A significant other. A parent. A church. It may even be your own inner critic.
The message seems to come down to one thing: You are only enough if you are pleasing others and satisfying the expectations that they have of you. The expectations may vary, but they are always present. You begin to feel like bending over backward to make others happy is the only way you will get the love, attention and respect that you desire. We begin to think, “Maybe if I bend over a little further, THEN they will… (fill in the blank here).”
(See! People pleasing (AKA bending over backwards for others) looks HOT!! Right?...)
My own inner critic is often the loudest voice in my own head and it often tells me that I could work harder. As a small business owner I set my own hours. For the past year I have had the privilege of determining how much I work. I came out of a work situation in which I worked 50-60 hours/week. There was often little thanks and it often felt that the expectation was that I should work harder and longer. I began to lose myself in this job. Literally. Whoever I was when I started was not who I was when I finally left. In my efforts to please others and to prove that I was the “best” (AKA-enough) I gave and gave and gave until I had nothing left. And then I gave some more. I started to find myself looking at life with a cynical, angry lens. I saw most people as perpetrators looking to take something from me. I grew angry with the requests made by others, but kept saying yes because I believed saying “no” made me selfish, mean, or in some cases “un-Christian”. Slowly, because I did not know how to express these feelings of anger and resentment, I turned them inward upon myself. I became depressed, withdrawn, and at times, full of rage. I found myself sinking into dark places and thoughts on a regular basis.
Bending over backward for others began to make me look and feel more like this:
It was in one of my own therapy sessions that I realized that the only way I would find happiness and joy again was to admit that I was the source of my own problem. It wasn’t others that were harming me. It was my own inability to set limits, say no, and respect what was healthy for myself. In trying to please and care for others I had completely neglected myself. I had a dream that brought this concept to life for me:
In the dream I was with my (at the time) husband. He had forced me to kill someone and stuff the body in a box. He then asked me to carry this box around until I could find a way to get rid it. I agreed to carry the box around and struggled to find a place to dispose of the body. The dream ended with me standing in a small room, holding the box and not being sure of what to do next.
When I awoke the dream really stuck with me. In dreams different characters can often reflect different aspects of ourselves. As I thought about this, I realized that I had allowed many parts of my personality to be “killed” and stuffed in a box. Throughout much of my life I had come to believe that I was “too much” and that I needed to find ways to make myself “smaller” so that others could tolerate me relationally. I had come to believe that I needed to limit my emotional expression, quiet my own needs and wants, and swallow my voice and opinions so that others would not abandon me. In high school this tendency led to a battle with anorexia as I virtually tried to shrink myself and become smaller. This dream was the first step toward finding a greater sense of freedom in my life. I didn’t want to look back on my life and realize that I had never reached my full potential because I was too busy trying to be what others wanted or what society said I “should” be. In my preoccupation with pleasing everyone else, I had completely lost and neglected myself.
There are several things I’ve learned as I have worked to stop ‘people-pleasing’. There is a biblical verse that says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The reality is, if I do not love myself well, I cannot love others well. The love I pour out has to come from a place of inner fullness, not from a place of emptiness. If our well is empty, then rather than life-giving water, we are giving rocks, mud, and dirt. In real terms-rather than feeling love when we give we experience anger, resentment and a sense that we are being taken advantage of.
Here are a few tips I’ve picked up along my own journey that you may find helpful as you work to stop being a people pleaser:
1) Check your motivations. Are you seeking to bless others and make them feel loved? Or, are you seeking to gain approval, affirmation, or respect because internally you feel a lack of this from yourself? People-pleasing isn’t really about others—it’s about you and your own insecurities. For example, you might say “I haven’t heard from you for a while, I have been worried about you” when what is really going on is “I am not really worried about you, I just want to make sure you still like me”. We don’t say these things, but other people pick up on them anyway.
2) Check your schedule. Because I’m often inclined to say “sure, I’d love to!” I have begun to tell people who are asking me to do something/come to something, “ That sounds great/fun/interesting. Let me check my schedule and I’ll get back to you.” This little phrase allows you some time to think about whether you really can commit and it is something that you really want to commit to. When we choose something, we want to choose from a place of love, joy and a desire to be present in the action/activity.
3) Be honest with yourself and listen to your feelings. If you don’t want to do whatever you’ve been asked to do, that’s okay. It is okay to say no. It is okay to honor yourself, your needs and your own limits. We have a tendency to minimize our own feelings, but at times this can become a form of self-sabotage. Take a minute, listen, and evaluate.
4) Be assertive and use your voice. Once you have been honest with yourself, be honest with others. If people really love you, they won’t care. They just want you to take care of yourself and to be available if this is something that will bring you life. Good friends and family don’t want to see you hurting yourself to make them feel better. If they do—that’s bullshit and you should tell them so. (maybe in a nicer way…unless you feel like telling them it’s bullshit-then do that. Because remember—you’re your own boss now, right?)
5) Learn to be OK with upsetting people. Feelings are just that-feelings. It is okay if others feel disappointed or sad. We have to learn to trust that they will be adults and work through their own feelings, just like we are required to work through out own. You don’t have to be a jerk, but you do need to remain authentic and true to yourself.
All this said I realize that, at times, I can easily fall back into the old pattern of neglecting myself to be what others want or need. While I may portray myself as a picture of strength and empowerment, my true self is longing to be loved and wants to avoid abandonment and rejection from others. I want others to tell me that I’m enough.
My current challenge is to believe that I am already enough. Today, who I am, no matter what I do, I. AM. ENOUGH. I want to give from a place of love and abundance rather than a place of fear and shame. In my journey to really love and accept myself, I am finding that I have to understand my own limits, assert my needs respectfully, and when I do give to others, to do so as an active choice motivated by love. I believe that whatever I’m doing should honor the goals that I have set for myself:
Health.
Balance.
Love.
In this New Year, how will you work to love yourself well and affirm that who you are, not what you do, is enough?
Please feel free to share your thoughts, comments, or own experiences! I'd love to hear what you have to add!







