There's Always Lipstick

I am a 33 year old professional therapist seeking to break through the negative beliefs and barriers surrounding therapy and therapists. I am passionate about vulnerability and the courageous act of being open with insecurities and fears. However, like many of my clients I too am terrified to let others in to the deep parts of my soul. My home is my heart and I love to create spaces that act as sanctuaries for those in need of safety, love, and protection. My greatest fear is being seen as unworthy; therefore, my greatest challenge is believing my worth is not in what I do, but in who I am. As a counselor I journey with men and women every day as they engage in the process of vulnerability as a path to transformation. I am engaged in this same journey to be transformed and to deeply know where I've been does not have to be where I'm going.

[theresalwayslipstick]

A New Year: Resolve to Stop People-Pleasing.

“Dear God, my prayer for 2014 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.”  ~Anonymous

 I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions, but I love the idea of living intentionally. So, during several sessions this week I asked clients about their goals for the coming year.

One client stated: “ I want to be okay with myself.”

I asked her to break this down. What would it really look like to be “okay” with herself?  How can we be accepting of who we are as women in a culture that constantly tells us we’re not enough? I’m not pointing fingers (only because I don’t know who is really to blame), but we see it in ads, movies, magazines, social media. The message consistently challenges the belief of “I’m okay” and leads us to believe that we’re not pretty enough; not thin enough; not successful or rich enough. It seems that there will always be someone who wants to point out all the ways you aren’t quite enough. In fact, sometimes that “someone” is closer to home than the media. It might be a friend. A significant other. A parent. A church.  It may even be your own inner critic.

 The message seems to come down to one thing: You are only enough if you are pleasing others and satisfying the expectations that they have of you. The expectations may vary, but they are always present. You begin to feel like bending over backward to make others happy is the only way you will get the love, attention and respect that you desire. We begin to think, “Maybe if I bend over a little further, THEN they will… (fill in the blank here).”

  (See! People pleasing (AKA bending over backwards for others) looks HOT!! Right?...)

My own inner critic is often the loudest voice in my own head and it often tells me that I could work harder. As a small business owner I set my own hours. For the past year I have had the privilege of determining how much I work. I came out of a work situation in which I worked 50-60 hours/week. There was often little thanks and it often felt that the expectation was that I should work harder and longer. I began to lose myself in this job. Literally. Whoever I was when I started was not who I was when I finally left. In my efforts to please others and to prove that I was the “best” (AKA-enough) I gave and gave and gave until I had nothing left. And then I gave some more. I started to find myself looking at life with a cynical, angry lens. I saw most people as perpetrators looking to take something from me. I grew angry with the requests made by others, but kept saying yes because I believed saying “no” made me selfish, mean, or in some cases “un-Christian”. Slowly, because I did not know how to express these feelings of anger and resentment, I turned them inward upon myself. I became depressed, withdrawn, and at times, full of rage. I found myself sinking into dark places and thoughts on a regular basis.

 Bending over backward for others began to make me look and feel more like this:

It was in one of my own therapy sessions that I realized that the only way I would find happiness and joy again was to admit that I was the source of my own problem. It wasn’t others that were harming me. It was my own inability to set limits, say no, and respect what was healthy for myself. In trying to please and care for others I had completely neglected myself. I had a dream that brought this concept to life for me:

 In the dream I was with my (at the time) husband. He had forced me to kill someone and stuff the body in a box. He then asked me to carry this box around until I could find a way to get rid it. I agreed to carry the box around and struggled to find a place to dispose of the body. The dream ended with me standing in a small room, holding the box and not being sure of what to do next.

When I awoke the dream really stuck with me. In dreams different characters can often reflect different aspects of ourselves. As I thought about this, I realized that I had allowed many parts of my personality to be “killed” and stuffed in a box. Throughout much of my life I had come to believe that I was “too much” and that I needed to find ways to make myself “smaller” so that others could tolerate me relationally. I had come to believe that I needed to limit my emotional expression, quiet my own needs and wants, and swallow my voice and opinions so that others would not abandon me. In high school this tendency led to a battle with anorexia as I virtually tried to shrink myself and become smaller. This dream was the first step toward finding a greater sense of freedom in my life. I didn’t want to look back on my life and realize that I had never reached my full potential because I was too busy trying to be what others wanted or what society said I “should” be. In my preoccupation with pleasing everyone else, I had completely lost and neglected myself.

There are several things I’ve learned as I have worked to stop ‘people-pleasing’. There is a biblical verse that says,  “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The reality is, if I do not love myself well, I cannot love others well. The love I pour out has to come from a place of inner fullness, not from a place of emptiness. If our well is empty, then rather than life-giving water, we are giving rocks, mud, and dirt. In real terms-rather than feeling love when we give we experience anger, resentment and a sense that we are being taken advantage of.

 Here are a few tips I’ve picked up along my own journey that you may find helpful as you work to stop being a people pleaser:

1)   Check your motivations. Are you seeking to bless others and make them feel loved? Or, are you seeking to gain approval, affirmation, or respect because internally you feel a lack of this from yourself? People-pleasing isn’t really about others—it’s about you and your own insecurities. For example, you might say “I haven’t heard from you for a while, I have been worried about you” when what is really going on is “I am not really worried about you, I just want to make sure you still like me”. We don’t say these things, but other people pick up on them anyway.

2)   Check your schedule. Because I’m often inclined to say “sure, I’d love to!” I have begun to tell people who are asking me to do something/come to something, “ That sounds great/fun/interesting. Let me check my schedule and I’ll get back to you.” This little phrase allows you some time to think about whether you really can commit and it is something that you really want to commit to. When we choose something, we want to choose from a place of love, joy and a desire to be present in the action/activity.

3)   Be honest with yourself and listen to your feelings. If you don’t want to do whatever you’ve been asked to do, that’s okay. It is okay to say no. It is okay to honor yourself, your needs and your own limits. We have a tendency to minimize our own feelings, but at times this can become a form of self-sabotage. Take a minute, listen, and evaluate.

4)   Be assertive and use your voice.  Once you have been honest with yourself, be honest with others. If people really love you, they won’t care. They just want you to take care of yourself and to be available if this is something that will bring you life. Good friends and family don’t want to see you hurting yourself to make them feel better. If they do—that’s bullshit and you should tell them so. (maybe in a nicer way…unless you feel like telling them it’s bullshit-then do that. Because remember—you’re your own boss now, right?)

5)   Learn to be OK with upsetting people. Feelings are just that-feelings. It is okay if others feel disappointed or sad. We have to learn to trust that they will be adults and work through their own feelings, just like we are required to work through out own.  You don’t have to be a jerk, but you do need to remain authentic and true to yourself.

 All this said I realize that, at times, I can easily fall back into the old pattern of neglecting myself to be what others want or need. While I may portray myself as a picture of strength and empowerment, my true self is longing to be loved and wants to avoid abandonment and rejection from others. I want others to tell me that I’m enough.

 My current challenge is to believe that I am already enough. Today, who I am, no matter what I do, I. AM. ENOUGH. I want to give from a place of love and abundance rather than a place of fear and shame. In my journey to really love and accept myself, I am finding that I have to understand my own limits, assert my needs respectfully, and when I do give to others, to do so as an active choice motivated by love. I believe that whatever I’m doing should honor the goals that I have set for myself:

 Health.

                          Balance.

                                                        Love.

In this New Year, how will you work to love yourself well and affirm that who you are, not what you do, is enough?

Please feel free to share your thoughts, comments, or own experiences! I'd love to hear what you have to add!

[theresalwayslipstick]

Poison Ivy: A villain in need of grace?

So I’ve had this rash. TMI-I know, but bear with me. It’s a good story.

  About two weeks ago I found these small patches of inflamed skin on my pelvis and my upper thigh. I thought maybe it was heat rash and decided to ignore it believing it would go away. Avoidance always works, right? Wrong. Slowly, over a week it got bigger and bigger. And then it began to spread and jumped to my chest. And not only was it spreading, it began to itch like crazy-I mean like I have bruises up and down my body from the intensity of the itching kind of itch.

 I began to get really worried when the rash started to develop what looked like hives and became the size of Texas. Literally. Begrudgingly, I called my doctor and made an appointment. After looking me over she said she thought I had a fungal infection. I was grossed out. For those of you who know me—I am an extremely clean, organized and probably overly-hygienic person. Somehow “fungal infection” made me feel “dirty”. However, she said this was “normal” in the summer due to the heat/sweat/etc. She gave me a cream and sent me on my way with hopes of it showing improvement in 24-72 hours. 72 hours later I was back in her office. I had bumps on my arms, hands, legs, armpits, and back. The itching continued to terrorize me, I wasn’t sleeping and, at this point, I was beginning to think that I might be dying of cancer or Loopis (thank you WedMD). She took another look at me and said, “You probably aren’t going to like this, but it might be scabies.” I didn’t know what scabies were, but I soon found out. (Thanks again WebMD for the horrifying images and overload of information). I was thoroughly grossed out. I thought “where in the hell did I get that?!” The tanning bed? (Yes, moment of shame for those of you who are anti-tanning bed). Camping? I had gone recently…could I have gotten it in the woods? Who the hell knows. I just know that I had to wash everything I own, vacuum my furniture and rugs thoroughly, and rub what is basically an insecticide all over my body, all in the hopes that the itching and now burning would soon subside. I did this twice in two days.

  But it kept getting worse. I decided to go to the dermatologist. I got undressed and put on the drape. They quickly inspected all my infected areas, looked me in the eye and said they had NO idea. They did say that they didn’t think it was a fungal infection or scabies. What? I mean I guess I was relieved that there wasn’t an 8-legged bug crawling through the upper layers of my epidermis but not knowing somehow felt worse. So we did a biopsy. Turns out, I have poison ivy. My dog Maggie likely got into it on one of our hikes while camping, and we cuddled (because cuddling your dog while camping and sleeping in your tent is cute and I’m in to doing cute things), and bam---3 days later I’m infected. $300 later I have a diagnosis and my third medication with warnings from the doctor that it might make me jittery. I’m telling you, I’ll take jittery over insane itch fest any day of the week!

So where am I going with this? I guess it’s this:

As I went through this process I felt multiple levels of shame. I felt embarrassed and worried about what others might think of me if I told them the truth of what was going on with my body as I discovered each possible diagnosis. I felt like a disgusting cesspool of nauseating diagnoses and couldn’t stand the thought of others seeing me as “disgusting” or watching their faces shift to a look of judgment. I also began to worry about the scars that were forming on my body. They aren’t pretty and I’m not sure whether they will ever go away.

  Then I began to think about the different people I work with and how often we talk about this very thing. Many clients have sat on my couch and confessed to having moments in their lives that have left them layered with shame and fear of judgment. They express a belief that their scars will keep others from loving them and so they choose to keep parts of their story hidden and push others away or hold them at a distance. Many believe that they are too broken or too wounded; that their story is too much or too strange for others to handle. They fear rejection, abandonment, and ridicule. I have felt all of these very same things about pieces of my own story. 

 There are many times during a session when someone begins to cry and says, “I didn’t think I was going to cry. I thought I was stronger and more put together than this.”  My response is always the same: “It’s okay. You are safe here. It is healing to cry and to grieve. It is courageous, not weak, to tell our stories and to own the way that they have shaped us. This room is one of grace and acceptance.” My perspective on life is that while parts of our stories have left scars (and sometimes open gaping wounds), I believe those scars or wounds can teach us things; they can help mold our identities; they have the power to make us stronger, wiser, and more gracious in the way we approach ourselves and others.

  Because of some of my own experiences I find myself more filled with grace for others and thankfully, for myself. In the past two years as I have done my own therapeutic work, I have genuinely started to like myself and I continue to work toward deeply loving myself. I try to share my life story and experiences openly in the hopes that others will feel safe to do the same. That doesn’t mean I’m not scared. Oftentimes I have moments of mild panic when I begin to share the darker or more shameful moments of my life. But then I remind myself that God is bigger than anything I’ve done and that His grace is sufficient for me. If I am honest about my story and willing to share my scars and wounds I am given the opportunity to receive grace from others. I am also reminded again and again that I’m not alone in my brokenness as others share their own stories of hurt, loss, confusion, and pain.

We’re all a scarred, wounded, and broken in different areas. We’re also all capable of receiving healing and grace as we take the steps to be vulnerable with those that we love and trust.  We need to begin to see being vulnerable as a sign of courage-not as a sign of weakness (thank you Brene Brown). I always advise my clients to pick safe people that they’ve have grown to trust and invite them into their story. I had a sweet young girl recently tell me that she was afraid I would be frustrated with her if she didn’t talk about her “issues” right away because that’s what her last therapist did. She said that it’s hard to trust someone you don’t really know. I felt so sad that she had been pushed to dive in before she was ready. So I told her that she could ask me whatever she wanted and I would answer honestly so she could get to know me and trust me. I told her that she is in charge of her story and when and how she shares it. I will never be upset and she has all the time she needs. Taking the step to be courageous may take time. You may need to build trust first. I get that. But by sharing parts of my own story, she began to trust me and open up. You have the power to do the same. Share a story. Hear someone else’s. I promise—it’ll be worth it. And remember, you are not alone. You have done the best you can with what you have had at any given moment. Where you have been does not have to be where you are going. Grace and love are waiting for you.

[theresalwayslipstick]

Cracks in the Veneer (AKA: Depression)

If you are a knick-knack lover I apologize in advance. You might even want to skip the next few lines (fair warning given).

I HATE knick knacks. They are small, often-breakable items that collect dust and make my life feel cluttered and overwhelming. That said, it was during a trip to Haiti that I began to collect statues. Not just ANY statues though—these are special statues (i.e.-NOT knick knacks)! While visiting a market there, I came across a statue in which there was no beginning and no end to the two carved figures. I loved it immediately. To me, it communicated the powerful connection that two human beings can experience when they reach out to one another with open arms. I suppose I loved this because truthfully, I suck at the whole ‘open arms’ thing. I grew up on the East Coast where you ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ and figure shit out on your own. I think the motto was something like: Look strong. Be strong. And if you are starting to crack, fill the cracks in so the shit doesn’t pour out and contaminate the rest of us.  However, I often find myself failing to fill in the cracks adequately. It seems when I fill in one crack another shows up. I’ve been told I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and let me tell you, that's a real bummer when you have lots of emotions and you’re an introvert and you are supposed to be a professional therapist. But I digress…

When I was trying to develop a logo for my business, my mind wandered back to these statues. I wanted to communicate my passion to help others not only connect with partners, family members and friends, but I also wanted to help them connect to themselves. I wanted to emphasize the importance of interconnectedness with others and within. Both require vulnerability and honesty and I know at times it seems easier to hide the struggle under the veneer of "I'm fine". But eventually the pressure of holding it all in will be too much and the veneer will crack...then what?

 Last week I was meeting with a client and she was discussing a recent encounter with depression that had left her feeling alone, scared, and ashamed. The veneer had cracked. We discussed the necessity of reaching out and connecting with others when experiencing a dark moment/day/week/month. We processed the importance of connecting to others and opening our souls to the healing power of human connection. I encouraged her to not pull away or isolate.

But you know-- the shame of depression wants us to do the exact opposite. In my own struggle with depression I find myself avoiding calls and texts. I make up excuses for being unable to attend gatherings with friends. I don’t want people to know the darkness that looms in my world. I don’t want to be a burden and I certainly don’t want to be the person whining about my “first world problems”.  I worry about the judgment others might throw my way when I feel sad and yet can’t identify the source of my sadness. I mean, my life is good, right? I have a great job and successful business; an awesome place to live with great roommates; supportive friends and a loving family. So what’s my problem? Why do I sometimes feel so alone, lost, and overwhelmed? Why do I want to pull the covers over my head and disappear into endless episodes of my newest Netflix obsession or lose myself in the pages of some melodramatic novel? Why do I avoid doing the very things I know will make me feel better? Like going to the gym. Organizing something. Creating something beautiful. Calling a friend and finding connection. I guess it comes down to the fact that during these times of darkness, I feel ashamed and weak and broken. 

As I looked at my client, crying and frustrated with her own struggle, I felt a deep sense of understanding, compassion, and knowing. I know the darkness. I know that it can swallow you whole if you let it. I also know that sometimes you have to embrace it and ask it, “What do you need from me?” “What grief, loss, or hurt am I avoiding or refusing to engage?”

A bi-product of depression can be isolation and loneliness. We are inclined to pull away from the world and from those that we love due to the immense shame and guilt we feel about not “having it together”. However, in my journey I found that if I reach out and give voice to my darkness—if I open the door and allow others to enter in—I am met with understanding and connection. You know what else pours in when you open the door to a dark room? Light. We were not created to live in places of darkness. “The one who walks in darkness does not know where he is going.” If you feel lost, I encourage you to break off the locks and open the door. Light pours in when we open the doors of our hearts and allow others in to our vulnerable spaces. Being vulnerable pushes back shame as we find that others have had similar experiences. Trusted friends, family members, or counselors can offer support, unconditional love, and the belief that we will overcome, even when we don’t believe it ourselves.

While I encourage self-care (i.e.-doing whatever makes you feel awesome) to battle depression, I also encourage embracing the depression. Ask it what it needs from you. What are you avoiding, burying or pushing away? What might you need to actively acknowledge and grieve? Are you experiencing transitions that make you feel ungrounded and disconnected? Do you have untended wounds that are festering and causing pain? Have you failed to grieve a lost relationship? Invite others into your process. Allow them to walk beside you as you figure it out. God made Eve as a companion to Adam so that he would “not be alone”. He sent the disciples out “two by two” because “two are better than one”. Three chords tied together are stronger than two. Community is essential to healing because the human experience escapes no one. While we all might make attempts to look like “we have it all together”-- no one does. Allow yourself to reach out, be vulnerable and be reminded that you are not alone. We all struggle. So why don’t we struggle together?

*It is important to note that depression is a very real and serious thing. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression I encourage you to not only find support through counseling and friends/family, but to also set up an appointment with a doctor to examine the possibility of medication. This is nothing to be ashamed of and can offer great relief for those who are struggling.

*Naturopaths are also helpful for those who prefer a more natural approach. If you are in need of a good referral, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

[theresalwayslipstick]

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Modern Day War Paint: What's your color?

I decided to start this blog after reading Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown. If you haven’t heard of her, she’s brilliant. Check her out on YOUtube. She talks about the importance of challenging shame messages and seeing vulnerability as a sign of courage, rather than seeing it as a sign of weakness. I was considering titles for my blog and asked a friend what she thought about ‘There’s Always Lipstick’. I had seen this quote on some website that said “On a bad day, there’s always lipstick.” I told her the purpose of the blog was to challenge shame messages through stories of vulnerability. She said she wondered if lipstick weren’t a symbol of covering something up which is the opposite of pursuing vulnerability. So I looked into it and here’s what I found:

 In World War II when women shipped off, they took cosmetics with them into battle. Lipstick became modern-day war paint for American women. The government encouraged women to wear lipstick and they took this as an opportunity to participate in war support and boost morale, as well as to explore personal expression of the “taboo topic” of the female body. Red lipstick was one of the ways women defined themselves; to them it signaled femininity and strength. Women were able to use it as a form of empowerment and they began to take on roles that had traditionally been filled by men. It empowered them to discover and embrace their sexuality. Red stands for many things: charity, martyrdom, hell, love, youth, fervor, boasting, sin, atonement. The contradictory nature of the color made it both “intimidating and inviting”.

I think we, as women, struggle with contradictory messages every day. Personally, I find these contradictory messages are often more intimidating than they are inviting. I feel anxiety about whether I’m doing “it” right (“it” being any role or expectation) because the definition of "right" depends upon whom you're trying to please. When I fail at some role or another (which happens often), I find myself filled with worry, fear, shame, embarrassment or guilt. Sometimes it's all of the above. Obviously (note the sarcasm) “failed” is defined as someone being disappointed, hurt, let down, or unfulfilled. I believe that it is because of our fear of "causing" these feelings in others, we women often censor our thoughts and feelings, sacrificing our voices or opinions because we don’t believe what we have to say is worth hearing; or perhaps we hold back because we don’t believe it’s worth the conflict it might create.  I know for me the message I came to believe was “What you have to say is too much for me to handle. Please change what you have to say so that I am not overwhelmed. If you can't change it, suffer in silence.” For years I have believed that I was too much. Too emotional. Too controlling. Too needy. Too much.

 I think at a young age we are sent messages that as women, our job is to please everyone else, even if it means sacrificing ourselves. I’ve sacrificed myself a lot over the years saying “yes” to a million requests when I really wanted to say “no”. I have denied the existence of my feelings because I didn’t want to hurt, overwhelm or disappoint someone. Even more, I didn’t want others to stop loving me or find me unworthy.

 A few years ago my brother did a series of portraits for some of us. He assigned each of us one word that he felt embodied who we were. He gave me the word ‘LISTEN’. I thought, "of course…because I’m a counselor." He said, “No. It’s because you’ve spent your whole life trying to get others to listen to you and you never seem to feel that you are heard.” His insight both moved and challenged me. I did want to be heard, but I had been betraying myself because I wasn’t really speaking up. I had disempowered myself by listening to shame messages that had taken root and become belief systems. I still struggle with speaking up because if I'm honest—I don’t want anyone to abandon me for being ‘too much’.

 I see this in the counseling room. People take the courageous step to walk in the door, but then they spend session after session hiding moments of their lives that fill them with shame, fearing judgment not only from me, but from within themselves. When clients finally tell me their darkest “secrets” I often see a look of fear or worry in their eyes. But the truth is, I have felt that same fear. It begs the listener not to judge. It says, “Please don’t reject me or find me unworthy. Please don’t say I’m too broken to be repaired or redeemed.”  I have thought these very things. As I walked through a divorce I wondered “Who wants to see a divorced counselor? Who wants a relational reject for a therapist?” Oh and what about the fact that I finally had to concede and start taking anti-depressants? Now I’m a depressed divorcee trying to guide people into healthy living. What a mess, right?

 Wrong. I’m not a mess. I’m human. And every day I’m doing the best I can with what I have to make decisions that honor who I am and who I am becoming. As Brene would say: Today I am enough. I believe that where I’ve been does NOT have to be where I’m going. I believe in new beginnings and second chances and seeing all things redeemed for something good.

It’s time to uproot our faulty belief systems and replace them with truths. When I think about the women of World War II, I realize that red lipstick nudged them toward new frontiers in which they became empowered. They held onto their femininity while demonstrating their strength and fulfilled "masculine roles". They beat down the lies that they were only enough if they fulfilled traditional roles or expectations of women. They began to use their voices (and their lips) to redefine what it means to be a woman. I long to do the same. So really, the only question is, which shade of red will you be wearing?