The Rowan Files..

[therowanfiles]

Where my words exist

I knew this feeling would come

The one where I convince myself I’m the problem.

The voice in my head starts building its case:

“You’re hiding something.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“You know better.”

“You’re twisting everything.”

“Maybe it was you all along.”

My chest gets tight, guilt settles in, and suddenly I’m digging through every good memory, every moment of kindness, trying to use them as evidence that I imagined everything else.

It’s an exhausting cycle.

That’s why I write here.

Not because I’m looking for advice.

Not because I want strangers to tell me what to do.

I write because these are the words I swallowed for years. The thoughts I buried to keep the peace. The screams that never made it past my lips.

This page is where they finally get to exist.

And if you’ve ever questioned your own reality, minimized your own pain, or apologized for feelings you were never allowed to have…

You’re not alone.

I see you.

[therowanfiles]

What do we need?

“What do we need from the store?” We NEED laundry soap and milk. Other than that, get food for the week

Comes home from the store with cans of speghetti (ready for the microwave. Quick simple lunch meals while kids are on the go. I get it. Kids love them!) and ground beef, speghetti noodles and speghetti sauce

🤔Do you expect them to have speghetti for lunch and dinner all week?

“I don’t know what they like and you didn’t tell me! It’s your fault. You should have been specific”

Well, they are of talking age. You could have simply asked him what him and his siblings would eat while you took them out with you.

You know what they eat and like on weekends when you are home. So how do you not know what they would eat when you are not home?

Or do you simply think we just don’t eat at all…

Now everyday I make sure they eat their dinner before he is home as his schedule is unpredictable so maybe it’s my job and I should do the shopping..

But you would still think you would know what your children will and will not eat.

You are not gone for weeks or months at a time. You are home every single evening. Every single weekend and occasional days off and you’re telling me you have no idea what food the house will be happy with?

It was never about the spaghetti. It was about realizing that I carry so much of the invisible work of knowing what everyone needs, and sometimes I wonder if anyone notices how much thought goes into keeping this house running.

[therowanfiles]

Let them??

Sometimes I will sit here and think..that shows their character, not yours. Be who you are, treat others how you want to be treated, live and let live and the ever so famous LET THEM

But how do you…

Let them disrespect you

Let them undo what you built

Let them teach your own children to stand for everything you are completely against

I think I am one of the kindest people. I have a big heart

And how do I be ok with it. I could teach and scream and fight but what do I do next..I can’t just let them and more so let my kids learn to be disrespectful

Many things weren’t an issue before kids were even in the picture. How do you navigate parenting when you and the other parent have completely different values? How do you teach your children kindness and acceptance while also respecting that you can’t control another person’s beliefs?

Why now?

For separated couples, how do we do it

I can’t tell them they have no rights to their opinions

They are learning what they are taught but I’m not teaching them this

There are adults this way who have rights to there opinions and beliefs..but what do you do for children when the parents aren’t on the same page? Just let them? Ignore them?

[therowanfiles]

One more day

I’ll give it one more day to see how things are…

The cycle stays the same. The blow outs, the arguments, the name calling, the blame…then night time comes around..the sucking up, the apologies, the “I love you”

I know some would appreciate that, but honestly it just makes me sick. I know it’s because you have to work in the morning and you are afraid I’ll leave if we are still arguing and you are not here to stop it..that I will just be gone..

“You can order something if you want” and of course I will because it feels like a peace offering and it’s rare we can just get something. We have a big family. “I love you beautiful.” “How are you feeling?”

So sweet and caring, and then the time ticks for you to come home again. Walking into the door, slamming it, the silent treatment. Another repeat.

Always an excuse. Too hot, too tired, you hate your job. I know..I’m a stay home mom who gets to spend everyday home with our kids. My days aren’t as easy as you think they are. The only time they listen and fall in line is when you walk through the door.

It’s my fault. I make things too peaceful for them I guess. To express and be silly and loud but I don’t think you realize your own children have entirely different personality’s that you have never seen.

“You should be dragging them by their shirt to help you” well no, I’m not going to do that even if you are being sarcastic. I’m not going to threaten them. There actions have consequences and of course they aren’t threatened by them..because you come home, you scream, you make them scared and worried, take all there things away and then turn around and suck up, give it back, and buy them candy..

I cleaned the house spotless. Top to bottom for 13 hours straight you could lick off the floor. You came home and noticed everything that I didn’t do and throwing a fit about it or better yet..I’m up to something or hiding something or I’m stressed about something and I’m using that to cover it up. The same as when I’m sick or I have a headache. “You must be hiding something” yes because no one gets a headache for no reason. But the days I do the minimum normal everyday cleaning..I’m depressed, I was on my phone all day, I sit on my ass lazy

Damned if I do..damned if I don’t

#mentalhealth #diaryentry #momandwife