The Runaway

The equalivant of diary entrys

[therunaway-posts]

In modern day society wanting to be loved is to much to ask for...what are we doing?

[therunaway-posts]

Let's Wait For Love To Destroy Us...

[therunaway-posts]

Worrying about something you said until 3am when you become to tired to function and just shut down is the only reason I sleep any more

[therunaway-posts]

My mind is filled with words and memories that I can never talk about

[therunaway-posts]

I feel like I can't even think anymore

[therunaway-posts]

She may be fire but I am water, when she burns you I'm the first person you run to to help fix you. But everytime I fix you you run back to her because you're not hurt anymore. I am water whether I am warm or cold you will run to fire because I do not dance like she does, I am not loud and proud like she is, I don't have that "there's something about her" factor, I am water. But she will burn out and you will finally come back and realise that all you were was thirsty.

[therunaway-posts]

I Miss Him.

[therunaway-posts]

How do I make someone who is broken rebuild themselves?

[chari0ts-of-fire-deactivated201]

I’m just waiting for my heart to feel alive again.

(via chari0ts-of-fire)

[asperwolf]

When I say I want to kill myself I don’t mean I want to kill me.

I want to kill the sickness destroying my brain, I want to kill the foreign emotions causing my actions. I want to kill the memories of my mistakes, And kill the possibility of me making more. I want to kill the doubts that my future won’t be bright, I want to kill the nostalgia stopping me progressing. I want to kill the hand clenching my stomach, I want to kill the noise that stops me sleep. I want to kill the thoughts in my head that aren’t mine, I want to kill the disorder taking control. I want to kill the thing that’s sapping my energy, I want to kill the sadness that’s deep in my bones. I want to kill the shackles around my wrists, I want to kill what’s stopping me live.

I don’t want to kill me, I’m just a casualty in the war against the shadows inside my head.

[therunaway-posts]

Don't get me wrong its not just dreary days filled with missed opportunities and regret. its also the pride caused from completing a task that once terrified me. The exhilarating feeling of achieving early sleep and thinking “i did good today.” The feeling of realising how far you've come, that you can do it, that you have done it and you will do it again will only ever come second to the realisation that you are getting better. I don't think anyone can truly understand; unless they are like me. There will always be a difference between being alive and living. Some people like me will only ever say that they are alive, but i refuse to be like them. I refuse to stand by while this war in my mind tries to level me. I am living, i want to be a warrior not a worrier, a doer not a thinker, a lover not a fearer; and although i cannot control the chemicals in my brain, i  chose to be more than just alive, so that war in my head… I've already won it.

[therunaway-posts]

“Why did i do that” five words that are etched into my brain like a tattoo that no amount of lasering can remove. Staying up for hours reliving every second of your day and hating yourself for not staying quiet. The way your blood runs cold and your pulse seems to break the speed of light after you mispronounced a word. Walking through halls that were built on the very grounds of comparison and judgement has never been easy. I cannot maintain eye contact, not because i am disinterested but because i fear that if i look into someone's eyes i with hear myself how they do. The cracks in my voice, the hesitation as i babble on about thing i don't mean to say.

[therunaway-posts]

I don't think they'll ever understand that i am not a miscreant, i do not deny knowing something to rebel, i am not refusing to answer out of defiance, i am not trying to annoy anyone. But when all attention is turned towards me i panic, my IQ seems to drop so fast i forget what it feels  to breath. It's drowning while everyone else just stares at you, no matter how much you fight and kick and scream no one will notice, no one will hear you. It is pure torture.

[therunaway-posts]

It is believed that if you cannot see it, it must not exist. As if i am only hurt if i'm bleeding, broken or bruised. As if any pain i feel should be visible to the world that engulfs me. I don't think anyone can truly understand; its more than a fear, it's more than a mentality, more than a physical sign, more than emotional damage, more than any one person should have to endure. The way my stomach sinks for no reason forcing me into a spiraling panic with no prevailing cause will never help my sanity because i will always search for a reason even if there isn't one. A war in my mind. It is a broken white noise machine playing every sound at once until my eardrums ring. When your mind is your worst enemy and the things it tells you are far less than savory so you try to block it out but you still listen, because you have to listen.