A Prayer for Changing Everything
Five years ago this time it was only a couple of months following the death of my grandmother, my favorite person in the world. I then moved to an entirely new city. Started in some ways a new life. Started a new career. Became a softer, lonelier, hidden version of myself.
Three years ago everything changed again. I met a cat, my first best friend in this new place, and another man. I fell in love with all of them. I totally unraveled everything I had been for the prior two years and began again. I went to grad school. I decided to be active and loud and unrelenting in my desire to live according to the winds of change with the hope of revolution. In this place I found a family and a community and they continue to challenge and support me in ways I feel impossibly undeserving of.
I feel something stirring again. School is wrapping up. There’s a ring on my finger. I am missing the trees, and the wind, and the way the cicadas sing to me in the summer. I know that my life is about to change again. I wonder who I will be. I have so many ways I want to be. I want to be a mother. I want to be with nature. I want to be able to prioritize my family and my loved ones. I want to be honest, and have difficult conversations in love. I want to feel embodied. I want to finish this reckoning with myself and turn toward the reckoning of the world.
The next six months will be hard. Metamorphosis always is, and come spring I know I’m coming out a new person. Not just with a new degree. With a new yearning. A new environment. I am already mourning this life, but I shouldn’t. There is so much love in my life now. So much love. It has brought me to this point of beautiful transformation and I am blessed. I pray that I will always be able to return the favor.
