This year has been interesting, difficult, liberating, and at times utterly devastating. I had a lot of personal things happen, one of which was my marriage ending. Without getting into specifics, suffice it to say I am now on my own and making it in the big bad world. As a thirty-one year old. I need to update my blog description...
I ran with friends.
I ran the Legendary Half Marathon Trail Run in Sleepy Hollow State Park with Matt and Megan.
I ran in the South of France at Le Dramont.
No races picked out just yet, but I’m going to continue running. It makes me feel good, it gives me confidence, and it’s a great way to test my limits. I recently picked up the book The Incomplete Book of Running by Peter Sagal and it’s given me a boatload of motivation.
My goals now are to figure out what my goals are for my foreseeable future. That probably sounds silly and somewhat circular, but it’s really true. I thought I had a trajectory and I’ve had to recalibrate. I’m getting my bearings, finding stability. Now I need to figure out which direction to go and begin building my momentum again.
Today was a bit of a crap shoot, to be honest. I was riding the struggle bus in the back seat hitting all the pot holes. However, running saved the day (as is almost always the case) and I’m proud of what I was able to accomplish.
I’ve been really bad about getting up early enough in the morning and this morning was no exception. I shut my alarm off, closed my eyes, and before I knew it my prep time before needing to leave for work was about 25 minutes. The result is inevitably that I feel rushed and when I feel rushed I begin to get anxious and overwhelmed and when that happens, well... the thought spirals commence. Self-deprecating and defeating thought spirals that I could not for the life of me seem to shake.
And so my narrative continued throughout the day while I was working. I had a productive morning, but once there was a lull, the spiral would rear its ugly head and remind me how bad I was at doing everything ever.
This resulted in leaving work early to get home and try to feel better but what ended up happening was I continued to fall down that nasty rabbit hole of self-hatred and doubt, just on a comfy couch with no work to occupy me. Eventually I fell asleep browsing Reddit but my animals were being annoying and made me feel overstimulated.
Ever feel like your skin is a latex suit that doesn’t fit right but you can’t get out of it? Like your brain itches inside your skull? It’s awful and it doesn’t happen often but it’s so ungodly uncomfortable when it does.
ANYway... it took everything in me to get up and get my running clothes on. I had to get 5 miles in today and I knew deep down it would be beneficial. Lo and behold, I was right.
Running has really done so much for me in terms of quieting my anxiety, giving me an outlet for my anger/frustration/worry/sadness, etc. Making me feel good about myself because I’m accomplishing something and pushing my physical limits, not to mention the ever-so-helpful runner’s high. It’s been a while since I ran 5 miles in one go and doing that tonight was a triumph.
I also listened to a podcast by Tara Brach called “Namaste: Seeing the Truth of Who We Are” that was absolutely perfect for my state of mind (the amount of times this is true is beyond coincidental). It dealt a lot with what I’d been struggling with throughout the day: the “doing” self, not living up to perceived standards, feeling inadequate, wearing masks. It was a good, therapeutic 48 minutes. I also helped an old lady take out her trash which put a lump in my throat and a glow in my heart. Bad for my breathing while running but good for my soul.
Holy wall of text. Oh well. This is a journal for me so I’m not going to apologize. Instead I’ll thank you, whoever you are, for reading my waffling.
For the second time, I went and ran myself into dehydration resulting in a weird cold-but-sweaty feeling. It’s like a step above clammy in that I feel cold all over but my back is drenched in sweat. The first time this happened was terrifying. I honestly thought I’d need to get my ass to the hospital but I drank a lot of water with electrolyte mix and it eventually evened out. Today wasn’t as bad, but it was still a solemn reminder that I need to drink much more water, especially before a long run. Especially before a 9 mile run on a 90+ degree day in the middle of the damn day because I opted to sleep in and missed my fair weather window.
Anyway, so I’ve been running here and there but only recently have I gotten into a “training program” for my half on August 4th. I’m running The Legend half marathon at Sleepy Hollow State Park with my friends Matt and Megan; we’re also camping that weekend so I’m super excited!
It’s been a very long while, so I feel I should do an update:
Lord of the Rings Distance Update:
I was amazed to find out that I have actually run 819.7 miles since January of 2016. This puts me as far as the mines of Moria, having just let Bill the horse go and venturing further in with great anxiety and trepidation. Frodo has just begun hearing the pitter patter of Gollum’s footsteps...
I’ve been fighting to find motivation here and there, only to come to the realization that it’s really not about motivation but rather discipline.
Since my last post a lot has changed both externally and internally. I’ve been going through some personal stuff which has in some ways accelerated my personal growth in some areas and stunted it in others. I realize this is all very cryptic but suffice it to say I’m hopefully on the up and up for the foreseeable future.
Running has been on and off, but I revel in the fact that I can still bust out a good amount of miles when necessary. I have gotten a bit too complacent, however and I need to start committing more to getting in those miles every week.
I ran the St. Patrick’s Day Double again with my friends Matt, Megan, and Skyler which was fantastic! I was pleasantly surprised at my times and I think this is what lead to my hubris.
Complete with a corned beef and cabbage meal afterward!
I’ll do more of an update later; I have gone and wined myself too much.
I feel like a lazy bum not running today but considering we got about 4-6″ of snow (so far) I’m not terribly upset with myself. Definitely going to make an effort to at least do some kind of work out tomorrow. Yesterday however...
Ran with my dear friend Megan through snowy, slushy, and icy terrain because, well, we just did. She’s training for an ultra because she’s super hardcore. It was slow going and we had to stop at the local library to blow our noses and get a drink of water (her camelback straw froze), but dang it, it was super fun!
I had just bought some new thermal pants at the Under Armour outlet and they were definitely effective, but I still couldn’t really feel my thighs by the 2 mile point. Picked up some off-brand traks to put on the bottoms of my shoes which should help next time.
Confession: My diet has been total crap lately. Some days I’m on point, tracking in MyFitnessPal, making sure I’m under my calorie count for the day, making good choices, etc. Other days... well... other days I’m justifying sweets and not caring much about what I eat or how much I eat. It’s not a huge problem, but that’s the slippery slope, right? That’s how I got to the weight I was at in the first place. I don’t want to go back to that. I just can’t seem to find the drive lately to do anything about it. Hopefully I figure it out soon.
I usually apologize to some unseen audience for not having posted more, but I think I’ll skip that. It is what it is. I’m trying to get back into good habits, especially with my running, and I need to hold myself accountable so I’m hoping looking back on some achievements in the last several months helps me find some motivation.
I ran the St. Patrick’s Day Irish Double. I remember running the 5K the previous year and thinking, “How could anyone ever run the double?! Surely these people are insane!” Well, after running a half marathon the insanity is no longer up for debate so I signed up and about two weeks beforehand developed a sinus infection. I was just getting over it and, I think, had just finished the round of antibiotics when I had to run this damn thing. The 8K went surprisingly well considering it had been a while since I’d gotten a good run in. However, immediately after crossing the finish line and stopping, I coughed so hard it felt like my bronchial tubes were trying to come out of my throat. I wasn’t so hot on the 5K and had trouble breathing. My goal this year (2018) is to not do that and also not get sick. We’ll see if it pans out. Stats:
Race Results:
8K Finish Time: 49:46; 5K Finish Time: 32:07
8K Overall Standing: 700th of 1,134; 5K OS: 1,518 of 3,095
8K Place in Gender: 322 of 656; 5K Gender: 659 of 1,804
8K Place in Age Group: 51 of 87; 5K Age: 82 of 208
I ran here and there throughout the summer, no actual goals in mind. At one point I had devised a training schedule based on the Hal Higdon model, but I fell out of it a little quickly. I think I had burnt myself out the previous year and just couldn’t muster the energy. Now that I’m 5 lbs up from what I weighed in November of this year I’m hoping that fire will kick back into life!
Later in the year, as agreed upon by my coworker/friend, we ran the Wine 5K. I had gone to a CrossFit class with her (that’s a story on its own) and as retribution I convinced her to run a race with me. It turned out to be the best 5K race I’ve ever run and I felt really, really damn proud of myself. I even won First Place for my gender/age group!
Race Results:
Finish time: 26:34
Overall Standing: 24th of 147
Place in Gender: 9th of 114
Place in Age Group: 1st of 17
FIRST! I couldn’t believe it! However I did look at the next age bracket (which is the one I’m in now, 30-34, Happy Birthday to Me...) and wow. I’m not even on the map with those people. Not yet, anyway.
My CrossFit coworker talked me into going with her again since it was “Bring a Coworker Free” week, so I obliged (and maybe dropped a suggestion that she run at least a 10K with me). It was no. Freaking. Joke. I thought the first time I’d gone was a hell of a ride, but going an entire week?!?! I felt sore in places I didn’t even know existed on my body! I went again and actually paid for it after Thanksgiving as payment for eating as much as I did and, much to my surprise, I hit my second goal weight: 135.8 lbs.
It was super intense, I honestly enjoyed getting the absolute shit beat out of me, but I think I’ll use it as an occasional cross-training/ass-kicking every few months. I can’t afford the membership and I don’t know that I could handle it 3 times/week. CrossFit coworker is hard core and I love her for it.
I did basically next to nothing for the following months and allowed myself to indulge without thinking about consequence. Sure, I’m a little upset with myself for allowing my goal weight to slide once more out of my sights, but I’ve hit it once so I know I can do it again. One of my biggest issues last year was beating myself up for straying even a little or skipping a workout. I most certainly need to get my ass moving, but I’ll try to be a little kinder so as to avoid a burn out like last year.
Which brings us to now...
It doesn’t say it, unfortunately, but I did hit 3.1 in 29:58... I promise.
I've run several times this month and tonight was the first time it actually felt good. Shaking the cobwebs out, greasing up the joints, knocking off the rust, etc. I didn’t feel like I was gasping for air and I made pretty good time so I’m feeling a lot better on the whole. This is my first 5K of the year and hopefully it’s a sign of good things to come (like a sub-freaking-thirty 5K at the Double ohmygod that annoyed me so much).
And finally,
Lord of the Rings Distance Update:
Honestly, not much happens between leaving Rivendell and getting to Moria. Mostly walking, camping, eating, sleeping, and walking more. At this point, 688.82 miles in after starting January of 2016, the Fellowship are making their way along the Misty Mountains to the Redhorn Pass. Keep your eyes on the sky in case any crebain decide to drop in...
Went for a morning run for the first time in a long time. I forgot how great it feels to a) know it’s already done and not have to do it later, b) not be sweating and dying under the blazing sun, and c) not have to shower twice in one day!
I couldn’t honestly say why I stopped posting. I probably just kept putting it off day after day and pretty soon too much time had passed and I lost the habit. New year, more running, I’ll just catch up from where I left off!
I kept up with my training and, despite much anxiety and stress, I ran and finished the Freep International Half-Marathon.
It was a long, arduous, painful 13.1 miles, but I did it.
Race Results:
Finish time: 2:15:08
Overall Standing: 3,463rd of 11,236
Place in Gender: 1,517th of 6,975
Place in Age Group: 279th of 974
My goal was to finish in 2 hours and 30 minutes so my time really makes me happy. After the Freep Half I did a bit of running here and there but really dropped the ball during the holidays. Also gained some weight which isn’t too surprising, but I’m on my way back down and starting up the running again! I’ll do a separate post later about the Irish Double that my running buddy and I ran just last weekend.
Lord of the Rings Distance Update:
On March 16th, 2017 I ran the final few miles that took me from a terrifying chase with the Black Riders to the safety of Rivendell. I was hoping to reach that goal within the year but it kind of blows my mind to have reached it now, not to mention the fact that I’ve run over 450 miles in the last year! Actually, on that day I got up to a total of 459.23 which has me leaving Rivendell toward Lothlorien; 462 miles. Let’s see if I can make it to Lothlorien by the end of this year!
My running buddy and I ran 5.1 miles in a torrential tempest and it was as invigorating as it was terrifying. We ran through huge puddles, the uphill sidewalks were streams and we ran against the current. No lightning, thank goodness. My everything was drenched! I wish I’d gotten a picture of us as drowned rats, but I was worried for my phone!
The bottom picture is this morning. Super gorgeous sunrise with an ethereal mist on the grass. I’m tired as hell, but hey. It beats the sun beating down and I don’t have to find the energy after work.
And new Under Armour shoes! I got new shoes! Two, pairs, actually. I’ve only run 4.4 miles in the first pair so I feel ill equipped to review them, but so far so good.
Lord of the Rings Distance Update:
At 233 miles I’m almost to Weathertop! We’ve been walking the path toward the dell and paused to listen to a bit of the Fall of Gil-galad as recited by Sam.
Three young runners' recent murders have hit women runners especially hard, but safety precautions have always been a burden.
I think a great deal about this - every time I go out running. When we were in Portland, I would not have entered the river front trail had I not seen many other runners and cyclists. I don’t run in the dark. I don’t run in the fog.
A wonderful human recently ran every single ward in the City of Chicago. He wrote about those experiences, what he saw, how he engaged with this city. I read the first half of those posts…. and then I stopped.
Because I got angry (not at him - never that), that I could never do that. I could never run alone in every single ward in the City of Chicago.
I don’t think too much about safety when I run. That said, I’m also not running at night or in places that I would consider unsafe. Sometimes it’s country roads in Maine! I live in the ‘burbs…sidewalks and main roads. I’m always aware of my surroundings. If someone looks sketchy, I steer clear. I’ve had male runners come up behind me and hang…so I pull over and tie my shoe so they’ll run along and put distance between us. It’s not happening often…but it’s happened at least twice. I’ve been beeped at, yelled at and stared at. Stared at is the worst because you’re not sure if they’re in their car staring at you your boobs as you run…of if they’re tracking your route and plotting to come back later to kidnap you.
Once, in high school or college, I was riding my bike home at night after my summer job when I had a car follow me. It turned around and came back slowly. I thought it might turn around again so I took my bike and myself into the woods. I could see the road, but they couldn’t see me. Sure enough, the car went by again…very slowly. I hid out in the woods with my bike for about 20 minutes. The car went away and I booked it home.
So yeah. Up until a few days ago I never really worried about safety when I ran. But when they found that girl murdered, sexually assaulted and burned? Yeah…I’m a little more on edge, even if it’s only a half an hour out there. It sucks because running is my outlet a lot of the time…and when I let my mind wander and think whatever and sort life out. And now it’s more complicated. It’s not so simple. Fucking fuckers.
I agree. It’s not something I think about all the time, every run. But at some point, on maybe every other run, I have that thought of what if… how loud can I yell… can I out run them if I need to?
Leave me alone while I do my thing.
I’ve been honked at a couple times and my route tends to be pretty consistent (there are really only so many places you can run in my town) but this is definitely something that is in the back of my mind. I always make sure to tell my husband how far I’m going and how long it should take just in case I don’t come back in time. It’s sad we have to do that.
My GPS keeps fudging up, so we either ran slightly less than 5 miles or slightly more… I’m hoping it’s the latter. The Freep Half is only 2.5 months away and it’s getting real.
Lord of the Rings Distance Update:
It’s been a while, but this part of the journey is not particularly exciting. I’m at 211.3 miles, we’ve gotten past the Midgewater Marshes and getting much closer to Weathertop.
Weight Loss Progress:
I hit 142.8! I’ve been at a plateau for the last month and a half or so. I was beginning to get a bit upset that I had made no progress whatsoever. I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t gaining, which is good.
That was a longer hiatus than anticipated. I had a gut illness that took me out of the running scene for about 2 weeks (I’m fine now) and losing that progress just kind of put me in a downer mood. I wasn’t getting the endorphins I’d been getting, I could feel my muscles going into atrophy, and every day my phone would be like, “You have a run today! You need to run! WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING.”
So I’m finally getting back to where I was, but it’s been rough. The humidity doesn’t help either. I did this shortly before my brief downfall:
Super Hero Run Results:
Finish time: 28:11
Overall Standing: 19th
Place in Gender: 9th
Place in Age Group: 2nd
I smashed my PR! And got a medal that actually meant something besides participating!
I wasn’t dead, just recharging. Onward and upward!
I still can’t believe I’m getting up at 6am or earlier just to run. ME! The queen of the snooze! She who sleeps in! It’s ridiculous and I’m just anticipating the day my body/brain just shuts the whole thing down.
Until then, I’m actually still quite enjoying it. The majority of the town asleep, the sun just rising over the edge of the world, not torturing me with its unrelenting, fiery heat...
My running buddy even joins me!
Lord of the Rings Distance Update:
Got to Bree and met up with Strider. We’ve just left the Prancing Pony, heading out of Bree and into the Chetwood to shake off anyone following us... It is now Day 8!
In checking the results it looks like most of the people opted for either the Half Marathon or the 5k. It was so ridiculously hot and I’m hoping that my Half in October is 55 and overcast. That would be amazing but I’m not holding my breath.
