thescepticalpoet.com

News: As True As Lies Can Be

[thescepticalpoet]

Happy Christmas !

[thescepticalpoet]

Bar Humbug

[thescepticalpoet]

Bad Christmas Presents…

[thescepticalpoet]

Donald Trump Taps Father Christmas for Foreign Secretary 

Father Christmas has been appointed to Foreign Secretary in the upcoming Trump administration. The bearded globetrotter was considered the ideal choice to export Trump’s version of America across the world. Donald Trump explained his choice at a media conference by tweeting via his mobile to the journalists standing right in front of him: “Nic is the best ambassador. A true internationalist. He…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

Tories to Continue Mistreating Real Immigrants in Honour of Andrew Sachs Now that the actor who played their favourite immigrant has died, cabinet MPs have promised to continue oppressing real immigrants as a tribute to the long-suffering Spanish waiter Manuel.

[thescepticalpoet]

Doctors and Nurses to be Required to Show Passports Before Treating Patients 

Leading Tories have revealed government plans to make doctors and nurses show their passport before treating patients. Philip Hogman, Earl of Dumbagshire, told us: “We need to stop health tourism. By making doctors and nurses show their passports we can weed out foreigners who are coming here and providing our healthcare and being paid for it in British money.” Hogman preempted criticism by…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

We Just Want all your Money Without Interacting With Any of You, May Tells Europe 

In a clear statement that is in no way contradictory or unworkable, PM Theresa May has outlined her party’s stance on what they want from Brexit. In a speech at Westminster that no-one in Europe got to hear, Theresa May said: “All we want from the EU when we leave is to continue recieving all the money and trade deals that we currently do, whilst having no interaction at all with anyone who lives…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

The Pound feeling a bit low lately

The Pound feeling a bit low lately

International currency Pound Sterling has complained of feeling a little ‘low’ recently. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” said the concrete form of abstract promise. “I usually feel so strong, ready to go up against any other currency in the market, but lately I just feel… diminished.” Friends of the currency have noted a change in Pound over the last few weeks. “He’s not been the same since…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

Fake News Writer Solemnly Deletes Unfinished Stories that Aren't Topical Anymore 

Fake News Writer Solemnly Deletes Unfinished Stories that Aren’t Topical Anymore 

A writer of fake news stories has solemnly deleted several unfinished stories after it emerged that they were no longer topical and he was too fucking slow/busy to finish them. “I was quite proud of some of them,” the careerless wannabe writer told us. “The most recent was Richard Branson’s Bike Unoccupies Him. Neatly encapsulated the Virgin/Corbyn stuff in the news, along with Branson’s bike…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

Donald Trump Sadly Still Perfectly Well

Donald Trump Sadly Still Perfectly Well

The US has been hit by revelations that presidential hopeful Donald Trump is perfectly healthy. Footage has been released on several occasions that show Trump speaking unintelligibly into a microphone with a look of confusion on his face, a common symptom of Alzheimer’s. He is also known to exhibit random exclamations of an extreme racist and/or sexist nature, as if he is still living in the…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

Woman Emerges from Four-Year Clickbait Coma 

A 37-year-old woman has started on the long road to recovery after emerging from a four-year clickbait induced coma. Since 2012, Clara James has been kept in a private room at Nottingham’s Queen’s Hospital, where she was permanently sat in front of a laptop that was always plugged in to ensure the chain of clickbait never stopped. “We had to ensure no break in the flow of clickbait,” said Clara’s…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

Hipster Trunks Manufacturers Still Waiting for Increase in Sales Manufacturers of men's hipster trunks are still waiting for the current increase in hipsters to lead to an increase of sales of their ridiculous underwear.

[thescepticalpoet]

Labour No Longer Even Backed by D:Ream 

Labour have been left disappointed after it was revealed that their former cheerleaders, pop band D:Ream, no longer support Labour. The band’s song Things Can Only Get Better became the official anthem for Labour’s 1994 election campaign, helping them into power despite the general message being really fucking cynical if you think about it. D:Ream said vaguely positive things about Tony Blair’s…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

Political Scientists Flummoxed by Schrodinger's Train Phenomenon

Political Scientists Flummoxed by Schrodinger’s Train Phenomenon

Political scientists up and down the country have become flummoxed by a rare phenomenon known as Schrödinger’s Train Syndrome. The recently observed phenomenon occurs on Virgin trains and involves observation of train seats by people from the Labour party. People with no emotional stake in the Labour party merely see a train. If viewed by members of Team Corbyn, the train seats appear to be…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

New T-shirts for Sale!

New T-shirts for Sale!

Not content with hating sport silently? Why not alienate your sporty friends by insulting them with a passive-aggressive t-shirt? Tell them what they know to be true deep inside by putting it in words across your chest, where they can read it and be enlightened while simultaneously admiring/laughing at your body. The t-shirts come in football and rugby versions (if you want to insult any other…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

The Sceptical Poet Shop Now Open!

The Sceptical Poet Shop Now Open!

The next phase of our shameless money-grabbing exercise has begun! You can now buy Sceptical Poet themed t-shirts, mugs and other products at our new shop, which can be found here: https://shop.spreadshirt.co.uk/thescepticalpoet Or alternatively, click the Shop menu option above. The range of products is currently small, but we are working on many designs which will be appearing over the next few…

View On WordPress

[thescepticalpoet]

Corbyn Kidnapped by Labour MPs after Hunting Rare Pokémon

Corbyn Kidnapped by Labour MPs after Hunting Rare Pokémon

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has been kidnapped after being lured into an alley in the belief that he was chasing a rare Electachu pokémon. Once in the alley, Mr Corbyn was so distracted by his phone screen that he was easily subdued by a group of Labour MPs, who bundled him into a van and then fled the scene. Labour leadership candidate Angela Eagle released a statement saying that Mr Corbyn will…

View On WordPress