i was looking through my fb pictures and i had a sudden realization so this is a long reflection post, i guess
2012 was an odd time.
but first, here's context to this photo: leadership (student council) camp in the summer of 2012. pictured is me (front center) and, coincidentally, my first love (back center). we weren't together at the time and i actually thought he was a little peculiar.
i remember he had to leave camp early due to family obligations and i think it actually irritated me. "why even come if you're going to leave before we even get to the good part?" i thought. what i didn't realize then (and have only realized now) is that that was just the kind of person he was. he made two commitments that summer and intended to commit to both, even if it meant leaving before things got good at camp and having to rush to be with his family. maybe that's why i loved him.
we ended up falling fast for each other 3 months later and he stuck with me until the summer of 2016. things got messy the christmas prior when i went to visit him and his family. i had been struggling with my mental health and gave him an out before he went to study abroad but he didn't want to take it. he insisted we stay together and wanted to ride it out until we both graduated and could finally get married and explore the world together.
he ghosted me four months later.
when he decided to come around again we decided to break up. it was less than amicable, to say the least.
although i see him differently now, it took looking at this photo for me to realize that the love we shared during those years were pure, no matter how it ended.
in my teen years i'd look at this photo and think about how much weight i needed to lose. i hated seeing this photo because it reminded me of the body i was living in. the body that i hated. the body that i thought everyone thought was disgusting.
but he didn't think that.
for nearly four and a half years he loved me madly and deeply and constantly reminded me how much he adored me. despite the hell we put each other through, he loved me. he loved me when i hated myself and i loved him for loving me unconditionally.
i thank him for loving me and—most importantly—forgive myself for everything i put younger me through. i so wish i had been kinder to her and had loved her the way he loved her.
