There's this guy who I don't know if I fell in love with or what. I'm from a long-term relationship and I met this guy on social media we hang out, we exchanged i love yous but there's no us. It's just so hard for me as a woman. Hahahaha. We don't talk about each other's past relationships. Hays :( What should i do to put a label about us. P.s. We have different religions. Thanks
Honestly anon, I don’t know what to tell you. There’s a lot of weird things going on here. Firstly, you have no business going around saying “i love you” to somebody you just said you’re not even sure of whether or not you are in love with.Personally I don’t believe in not knowing somebody personally and starting a relationship with them. There are certain vibes and cues you can only pick up face to face. Skype/Facetime does not qualify here.Finally, the religion thing: that’s highly personal and I’m not gonna comment or recommend anything on that. Figure out for yourself how important it is to you and go from there.
Love's a beautiful thing. Until it's not anymore. Like when it transforms into codependency. Some of you will ask: "What does that mean and how will I recognize it?" Others will ask: "What's the difference?" That's very cynical of you. For the first group: read on.
The first thing you need to know is that codependency isn't restricted to romantic relationships. The term was originally coined to describe spouses of alcoholics, but has since been used as a more inclusive term for all sorts of codependent relationships.
SYMPTOMS
There's a handful of symptoms which indicate codependency. You don't need to have all of them to be codependent. Take a deep breath, here we go:
Shame / Low self-esteem: the real eyeopener here is that shame and low self-esteem are often related to perfectionism. And that, in turn, is often rooted in a fear of being unlovable or inadequate.
People pleasing: the well-known problem of not being able to say 'No' to someone.
Poor boundaries: this needs to be taken in the broadest sense of the word. Boundaries means limits in terms of your body, money and belongings, but also your needs, feelings and thoughts. If someone tries to blame you for how they feel or if you readily accept blame for someone else's feelings, you're already there.
Reactivity: this one's a little tricky. It basically means you respond to everything. You either get defensive or internalize what was said to you.
Caretaking: this is the one. This is the one you may recognize. Caretaking is great. But for some this at some point means that you're so concerned with caring for someone else, you give up yourself in the process. And if the person you're trying to help doesn't want or need your help, you feel hurt and rejected.
Control: everybody needs to be in some level of control of their lives. In codependency this can show itself through boundaries being crossed, manipulation, and addictions.
Dysfunctional communication: you're unable to communicate your boundaries, your thoughts, your feelings.
Obsessions: this has a lot to do with over analyzing and anxieties about not being "enough".
Dependency: basically, the inability to be alone. You might function, but you need other people to feel OK about yourself.
Denial: you refuse to face your problem(s). You refuse to ask for help. The usual kind of denial.
Problems with intimacy: not that kind of intimacy, you onetrackminded perv. OK sometimes that kind of intimacy. This however has to do mostly with someone's inability to open up to someone. This could be for fear of rejection and/or abandonment, or even fear of losing your autonomy by being close to someone else.
Painful emotions: all of this can lead to stress (obviously) and feed into feelings of anxiety, anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. And all of that can lead to numbness.
I'm pretty sure you can come up with some examples in your circles where you can recognize one or more of these symptoms. From the outside you can see how dysfunctional some relationships are, but it's not always as easy to notice when you're in one.
A little bit of codependency isn't necessarily bad, mind you. Although I think I'd sooner call that empathy or consideration. Just stay diligent and loyal to yourself, first and foremost. Make sure you don't lose yourself in the process of loving someone else. Love isn't about finding somebody who "makes you a complete person" or any of that other Hugh Grant-movie crap. It's about finding someone who enriches your life, who adds value so to speak, even though you're perfectly happy with your life as is.
Here's the thing. Everybody likes to feel needed at some level. But if it gets to the point where your SO can't seem to function without you or the other way around, there might be a bigger problem at play. Personally, I prefer appreciation over adoration. I'm a practical person. I'd rather know that this person chose me like I chose them, rather than being THAT big of a deal in someone's life. Why? Because you want to be someone's choice, not somebody's default option.
I've avoided this topic for a while. Partly because I know a handful of my coworkers read this blog (heeeeey guys!) and I don't need rumors flying around the office. But oh well, people keep asking for an exploration of this topic, and who am I to refuse to give the people what they want?
Dating people you work with. Good idea or nah?
I asked around and got the following responses:
Where else are you supposed to meet anyone?
I'm not gonna let d*ck come between me and my money.
As long as the company's big enough so you don't run into them, it should be fine.
It really depends on the power structure.
Don't f*ck the help.
You should be grown enough to still be able to work with someone if it doesn't work out.
So, as I do, I thought about allllll of these responses and came to the following (personal) conclusion: I'm not in favor of this whole dating coworkers business. At all. I can tell you why. And I will.
Let's first tackle one of the arguments used in my response group. We should be able to deal with rejection or things not working out or even just a bad date, right? We're all adults here. Absolutely true. I'm actually more concerned with if it DOES work out. Apart from all the reasons I'm about to list underneath, people make assumptions. It's very easy to get accused of nepotism-like practices if your coworkers know about your situation. And sometimes you'll try to counter it and actually make it worse and be unreasonably harsh on each other.
Then there's the most obvious reason: I want to leave my job at the office. I don't wanna come home and still be dealing with work and the people related to it. Sure, in any other relationship you're gonna come home and talk about work as well. But in those cases you don't actually know the people your SO is complaining about, or you at least don't have to work with them the next day.
Of course this works both ways. I've been told I have an expressive face. A natural inability to keep a straight face. Complete lack of a pokerface, if you will. So imagine this: your SO, who's also your coworker, refuses to pick up their dirty socks. In the morning rush at your home, you slip on a stray sock and try to grab onto anything to save your life. Your favorite silk shirt gets stuck on the banister and rips. Now you're going to be late for work because you have to change AND your fancy shirt is ruined. All because of your lazy SO. Yeah. Try and not let people notice you're mad at them while sitting on opposite desks and refusing to have lunch together. This is not a true story or anything though.
Still wanna take a crack at it despite my warnings? Fine. I found you a helpful step by step guide. God be with you.
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You know when you first get to know someone and everything's all fun and exciting and you can't wait to see where it leads? Or you know when you've been friends with somebody for the longest time, but suddenly you start to wonder if there could be more to it? Here's how you can tell if it has potential. I give you: the Tingles Theory ™.
The Tingles Theory ™ came into existence when I was discussing with a friend on whether or not she liked a guy enough to pursue a possible relationship. It's very easy to fall into the trap of over analyzing a situation, I know I'm guilty of it myself. In order to keep the analyzing and consequential nerves to a minimum, we developed the following theory. It's all very scientific.
There's three types of tingles, and you're gonna want at least 2 out of 3 when you're still in the dating phase.
Mind Tingles
The first type of tingles is actually often underrated. Does this person tickle your interests mentally? Can they hold a decent conversation? Or in the best case, can you spend hours with this person talking about any- and everything while being completely at ease? Does this person challenge you to think a little deeper on things? Do you actually look forward to talking to them again, rather than just seeing them (or whatever else it is y'all do)? Congratulations, you just scored 1 out of 3 tingles!
Soul Tingles
The second type of tingles is of an emotional nature. Do you care about this person? Could it maybe even be love? Whether this comes from a place of friendship or is the kind of affection that slowly develops for a new love interest doesn't really matter. As long as there are some genuine feelings. Do you feel something along those lines? That makes 2 out of 3 tingles!
Body Tingles
The last kind of tingles is again not to be underrated, but could very well be stimulated by tingles #1 and #2. They could also show up before any other kind of tingles, to be honest. They are the physical tingles. You know, the ones that make your ladyparts (or guy parts) tingle. This is all very personal, since what works for me might not work for you, so I won't go into any specifics. But you'll definitely know when you have these tingles. So congratulations, that makes 3 out of 3!
So basically it's the mind/body/soul connection that all those old songs refer to. So what do these combo's mean?
MIND/BODY
This can happen a lot in the early stages of dating. You connected with someone, there seems to be plenty of chemistry, but you just can't/won't fall in love. It happens. It can be fun for a while. Just make sure you don't miss out on the kind that gives you feels. If that's what you want, of course.
BODY/SOUL
You know how it goes. You get along great, both outside and behind closed doors. You genuinely care about each other. But then they start talking. Or you have nothing in common. Or your opinions vary on some very important topics. Or you don't agree on what important topics are. Generally these connections are fun for a while, but at some point you're going to want to be able to hold a decent conversation with a love interest, right? Or is that just me?
MIND/SOUL
These are the people that, at first, may seem like a good match. They'll probably end up being your friend though (assuming that the third connection isn't there for either one of you. Although that's rare, I think...). Those who fail to realize this lack of a connection on that level would refer to this as being friendzoned. Whatevs. The point is, this could turn into a perfectly functioning friendship. Although be warned, the physical attraction may kick in later. There, you've been warned, so don't act surprised when you have your first inappropriate dream about them.
MIND/BODY/SOUL
You did it, you hit the trifecta! Now go forth and enjoy thyself!
Now you know what the Tingles Theory entails and you can hopefully apply it to your own life, to help you simplify your dating life.
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Well, this was a topic that had to be discussed at some point. Cheating, unfortunately, happens to a lot of us, whether you’re the cheater or the cheatee. The topic has been explored at length, with people trying to analyze the reasons someone could have for cheating, who’s to blame, the effects it has on the person who was cheated on, etc. etc.
I’m here to break it down to a few very simple principles, that are, in my eyes, always valid. Read on and you’ll see what I mean.
First things first, let’s make something very clear. Cheating is a choice. A deliberate choice. It doesn't just happen. Especially when it comes to the actual physical act of cheating, there’s no such thing as an “accident”. Falling off a bike is an accident. You don’t trip, fall and land on someone’s d*ck. Just like you don’t trip and stumble into someone’s p*ssy. Are we clear on this? At some point you decided to take your drawers off, knowing full well you got somebody waiting for you at home.
“But what if the other person drove you to cheat?” No such thing. Your S.O. might make it so that you start to look around, at which point you should already be asking yourself if you should still be together. But again, the actual act is something that requires action on your part. It never just happens.
So we’ve covered the physical act of cheating, but we all know it doesn’t even take all of that to betray someone’s trust. Now this has a lot to do with your personal perception of things. There is another kind of cheating that doesn't necessarily involve actual nookie. Cosmo tells me it's called micro-cheating. It's basically flirting with people who you're not with. Or "keeping in touch" with someone you used to do a lot more than text with. Or keeping a backup plan around.
So how do you know if you’re micro-cheating? Simple. If you feel like you have to hide it from your S.O, you’re already there. The easiest thing to say would be to tell you to imagine if it were the other way around, but chances are: you see things differently because you don’t see the harm in what you’re doing. But they do. Their frame of reference is not the same as yours.
Lastly: can you move on with the same person after one of you (or maybe both of you) cheated? It can be done, I’ve seen it in my vicinity. I’ve tried it. Of course I can only speak for myself, but the only way it would have worked out for me is if absolutely everything else would have been perfect from that moment forward. Which of course it wasn’t. So my trust in him never fully restored, and lack of trust will destroy your relationship and your state of mind. The people I know that have moved on together seem happy now. I’ve talked to both parties separately, and the formerly-cheater indicated that after seeing the harm that was caused, they would never ever put themselves or their partner in that position again, because they came to realize how much they really loved their S.O. When I asked them if they thought their S.O. trusted them again, they told me they thought so. It had been a couple of years and they never gave their S.O. reason to doubt them again.
The person that got cheated on told me they stayed because of love. It’s hard to leave someone after you’ve gotten a glimpse of your future together. This person, however, still doesn’t trust their S.O. not to stray again, and still grows suspicious often. I recognized what they were saying and although I admire their determination to make it work, I decided that I couldn’t live my life like that, so I left my situation.
You often hear “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I don’t necessarily believe that to be true. People learn, they grow. Of course there are those people who just can’t really deal with monogamy, so if that’s what you’re after, these people are to be avoided.
If you decide to stay though, don’t allow other people to shame you for it. If you believe that it’s the right choice for you and your partner, then that’s what you should do. I’ve told you before, there’s nothing worse than living with “What ifs”.
Anyway I hope you get some basic principles out of my sharing these experiences with you. To summarize:
Cheating is a choice;
Cheating doesn’t always mean sex: micro-cheating is a (subjective) thing;
You can get over being cheated on and move on together, that is YOUR choice to make;
People can and do change.
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I’m in the middle of a family visit abroad and, while I love my family, sometimes it’s difficult to stay friendly when they ask you about your (lack of a) love life for the gazillionth time.
First thing you have to know is that my cultural background is one in which marriage in and of itself is a life goal. And then once you have that: kids. Plural. Sure, their concern comes from a good place; they just want you to be happy and taken care of. So when someone expresses not being in a hurry to get married or *gasp* not wanting to get married at all, it’s generally met with one of two responses:
“Why would you even say that? What are you doing to me? I just want you to be happy! I’ll die of worry!”
“You’ll change your mind once you meet the right person / the older you get.”
The closer you get to 30, the more responses like #1 you’ll get.
So anyway, on my very first day of this trip, when greeting cousins who have toddlers, an aunt came up to me and said: “Hopefully we’ll be able to enjoy having your kids around soon.” Day one.
On day two I was asked: “Don’t you get lonely?” I live alone, which something unheard of for a single person in these circles. “Don’t you wish you had somebody there next to you?”
So I figured I’m not the only one who gets these questions and comments, and I felt the urge to make a comprehensive list of go-to responses, ranging from polite and changing the issue to responses with high shock value. Because sometimes people need to understand that it’s not their business. You know, like those nosy neighbors of aunts who always get in your business. These responses are a compilation of my own and responses from my panel of usual suspects.
To direct relatives, close family friends:
“All in due time.”
“I’m getting my own affairs in order first; I’m building my career.”
These are perfectly acceptable answers that will usually be very effective in ending the discussion or changing the subject.
To cousins, other people you’re close to but need to be put in their place every now and then:
“Don’t worry, I’m getting plenty of practice until then!”
To (very) distant relatives, people you don’t really know but feel like they should have authority over you by association:
“Yes aunty, but first I want to experiment with girls.”
“Marriage isn’t for me, I change my men like I change socks.” Or shirts, depending on the climate you’re in.
What are your favorite responses? Sound off in the comments!
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A funny thing happens when you're in your 20s and you unexpectedly become single. As soon as they sense a window of opportunity, the oddest characters come crawling out of the woodworks. Sharks, I like to call them (actually, there's another word for it but I'm trying to keep this accessible to everybody).
When I discussed this with a friend, she alerted me to the window of opportunity. Everybody knows there's a limited time in which a person who is interested in you will remain interested, so you should make your move accordingly. And now we can define it. And we will. Little disclaimer: as always, this is my experience, yours might be different. I'm just sharing this for informative and amusement purposes.
So step 1 is to make sure you get somebody's contact info. Whether that's a phone number or friending them on Facebook, make sure you have a means of communicating. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT wait too long contacting them. I told you before, if you feel the need to wait 3-4 days that's cool, but I'll probably have forgotten who you are by the time you reach out.
OK so texting and the occasional phone call (yes, phone call) is fun, but don't wait too long on actually setting up a real meetup either. I don't really care who does the asking, just get it done. So how do you do this? Day, time, place, activity. Without one or more of those, it's not a plan but a vague idea. And vague ideas get ignored. Opportunity gone. You've been warned. If at all possible, don't let weeks pass between setting the date and the actual date.
Cool, so you've met up with your person of choice and I'm just going to assume it went well, yes? OK. Pay close attention because people forget about this: say out loud that it was fun, and at the end of the night (or day, afternoon, whatever it is you're doing) express interest in a followup and try to set it then and there. At least pick a day. People are busy these days and you're gonna want a spot in their calendar (and they should want you in theirs).
Lastly and probably most importantly: do not be afraid. Sure, they might say no. That will probably be no fun for a couple of days (at most). But: regrets are stupid. At least now you know. Don't let fear hold you back. Fear is not sexy.
Tadaaaa. This is how you lock yourself in before the window closes on all these sharks. Go get 'em.
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You know how so many comedians crack jokes about women not liking each other? They say there's truth to every good joke. I spent a long time thinking about this. Years, even. Solidarity among women a strange, rare, elusive phenomenon.
There are so many different aspects to this. Back in high school I noticed girls always competing for boys' attention, often in harmful and damaging ways. Some would dumb themselves down, some would actually look for physical confirmation and do things they weren't ready to do at all. And then of course turn around and project that on the other girls not being mature or whatever enough.
Fast forward a couple of years. College and university. Actual dating starts. A friend of mine had something interesting happen to her. She was on and off with a guy for a while, until they decided to stay friends (which is another topic for another blogpost). A little while later he meets somebody, gets serious and all, but still talks about how he misses her. So what did he want? A side chick. Whatever justification came after really doesn't matter. The fact that she considered it just goes to show how far we're sometimes willing to go with a complete disregard for other women. And for what? A guy.
Now I'm not saying that women should always give way to someone else. Hell, that's what we've been taught to do since we were kids, in some cultures much more so than others. What I am saying though is examine your motives. Are you competing for a job, based on your skills and accomplishments? Sorry sis, but if I can and will win, best believe you're going down. But as you can tell from the above examples, what I'm talking about is when women diminish who they are, what they can do and what they want to fit into some image that is expected of them by society (read: patriarchy), stepping on other women in the process.
I wanna end on a happy note though. As with other things in life, nothing unites like a common enemy. There are some great stories out there of women standing up for each other, protecting each other. I picked this off of Tumblr and it really made me smile, while at the same time of course it's sad that this is even necessary and that harassment is so prevalent.
Little sidenote: another reason this thread struck a nerve is because we're always so quick to tell girls and women to be careful, to avoid assault, violation or worse. "Don't wear that." "Don't drink too much." Apart from the fact that this puts the responsibility on women instead of on the ones responsible, it's basically telling these girls and women: "Make sure they rape the other girl." There will always be somebody with a shorter skirt, who had more to drink, etc. And this reasoning is heartbreaking, really. I applaud the women mentioned in this thread for taking back their power.
So what about you? Have you ever experienced this solidarity among women? Or have you witnessed the complete opposite? Sound off in the comments!
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"Begin with the end in mind." One of the top philosophies at work. And I like to apply it to all other aspects of my life as well. I try to ask myself at every turn: "what's your endgame?" And for good reason.
It's so easy to get caught up in people's messes and completely lose sight of why you started something. This goes both for professional as well as personal relationships. Let me tell you about this recent encounter I had at a work situation.
The foundation of the problems between this particular committee and myself started a long time ago. Differences in how I should run my team, basically. Anyway, this past week it all kind of came to a boiling point and I realized: we should have the same goals, which is to get this team to finish their project the best way possible. And in that same vein I entered our last meeting. Of course it all boiled down to miscommunication. Here's what happens in a situation like that.
If there's friction from the jump, whether personally or professionally, pretty soon any- and everything you do or say will come off as hostile, and will elicit a defensive reaction and set more bad blood, whether there's genuine reason to or not. So that's exactly what happened in my situation. But after I took a beat to reconsider my own endgame as well as asking them about theirs, and finding a way to work towards that endgame together, things have been relatively good. Although we'll never be besties.
Now sometimes a similar situation can require you swallowing your pride a little bit. Just a lil' bit. And in some cases it's OK to not want to do that, as long as you're willing to live with the consequences. For me, seeing my team accomplish what they set out to do was more important than being right.
You can pretty much apply this in any other type of relationship, too. Next time you're arguing with your mom about the way you're spending your money, or even if in a brand new situation like when you first meet somebody. Ask yourself: what do I want to accomplish here and how should I go about that? What would their endgame be? Start with end in mind and all that good stuff.
Has this approach ever worked for you? Or do you have different ways? Let me know in the comments!
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Have you ever been called "intimidating"? I have. First I thought it was funny. Then I started to think about it, I didn't like it. And the more I think about it, the more it bothers me that this as seen as a flaw in women.
A little background information on me: I'm very much career-oriented in my daily life, and also have a clear idea of what I expect from the guys I date. I got my shit in order so I expect the same from a man. And now a friend of mine told me that all of this makes me intimidating to men.
You know what's funny? Men are never called these things. At least not as a character flaw. Men are expected to be dominant, focused on their career, and setting high standards for the women they choose. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. So why can't women do the same? I have a theory (don't I always?).
Women are always expected to be "less" than the man they're with. Think about it: people get so uncomfortable seeing a taller woman with a shorter guy, a darkskinned woman with a lightskinned guy, or a woman who weighs more than the guy she's with, or even if she makes more money than he does. I've gotten that a lot. I'm 1m80 / 5'11". I like my 4 inch heels. And that often gets me commentary from both men and women. It's usually something along the lines that I can't/shouldn't wear those shoes when I'm out with a guy or whatever. And don't even get me started about the double standards when it comes to sex, where women shouldn't have "too much experience" but for men the higher the body count, the better. You know what I said when a guy asked me if I cared about it? "Body count doesn't matter. The last time you got tested does." But I digress.
Girl, you make that money, you wear those heels, you rock that dress, you put that deposit on the house you want, you drive that BMW 5 series. If it makes anybody uncomfortable, that's really their problem, isn't it? And honestly, I don't really care if a man finds me "intimidating". I have no patience to deal with someone's fragile masculinity anyway.
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The urge to instant gratification has always been around. However, it seems to be getting more and more prominent. Probably because everything you want is at your fingertips, a few screen taps away. So is that a good or a bad thing?
Think about it. When’s the last time you raced home with the excitement of having your favorite artist’s new album in your bag, not being able to wait until you can listen to it for the first time? Now you open up your Spotify or Tidal or whatever app on your phone and click on it. Same with food. You can have any- and everything delivered to your door, whether you prefer takeout or cooking it yourself. So of course the dating world didn’t stay far behind. Actually I’m pretty sure it lead the pack.
So you got your dating apps. Or hookup apps, because let’s call it what it is. The entire premise is based on instant gratification. Not judging, just as I always tell you guys: do what you gotta do as long as no one gets hurt. I tried the whole app thing. Didn’t work for me. I had it for a couple of days, but the whole idea of judging somebody based on a profile picture and some random corny lines in a bio seemed too alien to me. I got a few notifications, didn’t know how to respond, and deleted the app. That solved it.
On the other end of the spectrum you have delayed gratification. I have a friend who deploys a 90-day rule whenever meeting someone new. Their argument? It’s supposed to help you get to know the person on a personal level first, and also make sure the entire relationship isn’t based on sex. There’s some truth to that, if that works for you of course.
At the end of the day I really don’t think there’s much wrong with instant gratification if you think you can deal with the consequences. For myself, I’ll probably remain my impatient self when it comes to situations that really won’t matter in 10 years, like if I want to get another pair of shoes without waiting for the sale (haha, kidding, I refuse to pay full price) or ordering an extra large plate of nachos. But when it comes to matters of the heart, or even way before that when still in the dating phase, I tread a bit more carefully. And that’s what works best for me.
Read more at http://carefreecontessa.com/situationship-chronicles-age-instant-gratification/#jTkBu72MBXbfCEyI.99
Russell Wilson recently stated: “If you’re dating a woman that’s way out of your league, ask her to marry you.” This got me thinking. I’ve always said that there’s no such thing as leagues, but there definitely are barriers to dating. They might just be standards. And there’s a difference.
Now leagues were originally mostly about social status, right? A guy’s gotta have a degree from a certain university, come from a such-and-such family, drive this brand car, etc. Same with women, plus some Eurocentric beauty standards for good measure. Those were leagues and those are difficult to navigate between. In some circles these leagues are still very much in place, mind you. You might have some experience with them, either directly or indirectly. I know I do.
From where I’m sitting, leagues are a thing of the past. Just because people still try to uphold this archaic system doesn’t make it OK. Now of course you can have standards. Even material ones. The difference is that these things can (usually) be achieved or changed, while leagues are something that you’re either in or not.
Anyway, I asked my usual suspects about their thoughts on the matter. And I got some very interesting, but honest answers. There were some who really do still hang on to the idea of leagues (although not in the traditional sense of the word). They defined is as follows: for a woman, her “league” is mostly determined by her looks and conformity to traditional beauty standards. For men it’s really mostly about whether or not he can talk a good game and has the confidence to step to somebody.
Then there were the ones who didn’t necessarily believe in leagues, but still have some material standards. The ones who are after someone with ambition and will support them in their ambition. Basically, if a guy is either not interested in making money or supporting her in making money, keep it moving. I gotta say I appreciated the brutal honesty in this answer.
For me, like I said, I don’t really believe in leagues. Most of it has to do with confidence and the good thing about that: it can be faked as long as you need it to convince yourself that do in fact possess this confidence. And honestly, if a guy thinks he’s outta my league, I’m automatically no longer interested.
So what do you think? Are leagues a thing? Does it even matter to you?
Read more at http://carefreecontessa.com/situationship-chronicles-leagues-are-irrelevant/#G631EJvX7G8SgyTt.99
In last week's blog post I mentioned how indecision is a choice. But in all honesty, for those of us who can be very indecisive, it certainly doesn't always feel that way.
Indecision can appear at a bunch of different aspects in life. It can range from big things (should I move across country for another job?) to the seemingly trivial things (what should I wear to tonight's party?). Opinions on what causes indecision vary, but most people can agree on some of the underlying emotions. And I've seen this in my circles as well.
The most common thing you hear is that people are mostly afraid of making the wrong choice and failing. But from what I've noticed, a lot of people who are chronically indecisive, or even passive, are much more afraid of succeeding. Makes no sense, huh? Some people have become so used to the idea that things don't work out the way they want them to (which is a whole other discussion for another time), that they're actually comfortable in the position in life they're in. Succeeding at something would mean changing their whole routine, their attitude, their everything. And this makes a lot of folks uncomfortable.
Mind you, indecision isn't always a bad thing. For example: some people with certain personality types like to do a lot of research before making any kind of decision. The big risk here is that with most things, you can always research more, or think more, or discuss more. If that happens, you get stuck in your indecision. That way nothing ever gets done. What's worse: people might start making decisions for you. Sometimes this can be nice, but it's bordering very close on giving up your autonomy, so don't let it happen too often.
Defeating indecision is difficult, but you can certainly do things to lessen it. As with anything, the first step is acknowledging it. Then take a long, hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you're so afraid to make up your mind. If that doesn't work or is too confrontational, ask yourself: "Will this matter in 10 years?" Trust me, nobody's going to care whether you had the tuna or chicken salad for lunch 10 years from now.
The most helpful advice about big life decisions I've ever gotten is: "When in doubt, don't". My mom told me this once when she was talking to me about marriage, but I think it applies in other areas of life as well. But I'll tell you all about that in a future blog post.
What's also good to keep in mind is that most decisions are reversible. If you really hate that color of your couch after a couple of months, you can upholster it or sell it. Also, and this might be the biggest reason I can get over indecision: I never, ever, ever want to be left wondering "What if..?" What if I had chosen the option that seemed scary (read: exciting) at the time but I was too intimidated by it? What if I had taken that chance to study abroad like I always said I wanted? What if I would have had the guts to speak up for myself at work?
See? Terrible. Don't let indecision rule your life.
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