[thesmittendinosaur]

i haven’t posted her in forever because i am busy with:

a) cooking elaborate meals for myself. resounding success has been observed on this front. M recently gifted me a fancy saucepan that i had been meaning to buy. it’s been a game changer. when all else fails, i like to remind myself that the only thing i wanted from this year is to make more things that i am excited to eat. cooking for myself has also been a gateway to realizing, against my will, that i have had an eating disorder this whole time. i have put on a little weight in the last few months. i was chalking it upto lack of exercise (courtesy of The Hole) but i actually think it’s because of the SSRIs. i remember putting on weight a few years ago when i was on a higher than my usual dose of SSRIs (courtesy of The Hole), and history is repeating itself. none of my clothes fit me anymore and that’s….a thing that i dwell on an appropriate amount. but! i make a concerted effort to not see this as a bad thing. putting on weight is v important for recovery - from the eating disorder and The Hole, so i have to find ways to be okay with it, to accept it, and to celebrate it. aging is a gift, and i tell myself that all the time. i celebrated my thirty fifth birthday recently. my body is changing, and i cannot, will not, fight it. i will feed it against all odds!

b) falling back into a small routines: not sleeping at six in the morning, showering as soon as a wake up, going for my daily evening walk, making friends with neighbourhood dogs and birds, taking my meds on time, speaking to my therapist every week, being gentle with myself. the process is arduous, the struggle is real, and I fail often. but i find respite in not being in The Hole anymore (and being, like, two steps away from it instead, lol).

c) trying to figure out next steps (re: career/study) without freaking out. so far, this has involved bookmarking jobs that I don’t apply to, assuming a fetal position after browsing programs at universities abroad, and talking to friends who are studying/working abroad about the horrors of the current scholarships/funding scenes. it’s all very discouraging, demoralising, and demotivating. but i must persevere! how, we don’t know and are yet to figure.

[thesmittendinosaur]

lorde released green light nine years ago.

on one hand, it’s my emotional-support song.

on the other hand, i cannot listen to it without thinking about the deeply unhinged lena dunham-jack antanoff-lorde presentation deck from reddit.

[thesmittendinosaur]

lena dunham with her new book.

big week for people who remember the presentation in question (me).

[thesmittendinosaur]

day one of periods. lordt. i consider myself lucky when uterine drama can be managed with one (1) painkiller. but every once in a while, the whole thing comes with the added bonus of emotional upheaval and i’m not a fan. i do not wish to dream about the ex from ten years ago, missing exams, and also, for some reason, my dead mother. like, must we really invite the three horseman of anguish and despair to the party?

[thesmittendinosaur]

[milfmaekar]

starting some kind of collection

[ahotknife]

in my head i do everything right

[thesmittendinosaur]

booked a session with my talk therapist. finally! everybody, pls clap.

i love crawling out of the Hole. i will be in the Hole again. and it will feel like i will never be able to leave the Hole, this Hole. and then i will. like i always have. brain is a mysterious yet predictable organ.

[thesmittendinosaur]

i need frank ocean to get back into the studio

[thesmittendinosaur]

SINNERS

[thesmittendinosaur]

watched bugonia, which i had been meaning to for a while. jesse plemons is always so good in everything.

and train dreams, which i just watched on a whim. they will probably ignore this one at the oscars or whatever, but, i really do love a movie that feels lived in. every once in a while i come across an old-timey picture of people standing in front of a recently-logged, centuries-old tree and am taken aback by the big-ness of it all. it’s so haunting—the sheer magnitude of ecological devastastion that happened in the wake of industrialization in the early 1900s.

[thesmittendinosaur]

every time I watch a couple of good movies, i think to myself, “i should go back to watching a couple of good movies.”

and then i get trapped in the vortex of multi-season television shows from the 2010s. recently finished true detective. hate to inform everyone that the Internet was right insofar that the first season is truly some of the greatest television ever made, and the subsequent seasons never catch up in quality despite being okay-ish. DESPITE JODIE FOSTER EVEN.

also watched: what we do in the shadows (dropped after season three, season four was a drastic tone-shift, ugh, and i just could not continue), travellers (so good and I have never heard anyone talk about it?), big little lies (10/10 season one, season two was a touch drop in quality but good regardless), sharp objects (10/10, kept putting this off because i am very attached to the book, but rarely does an adaptation deliver the way this one does), adolescence (that child was acting his ass off), the perfect couple (part of the nicole kidman phase i went through in the middle, cannot review in good faith because i have never watched a kidman performance i didn’t like), the undoing (same as the perfect couple lol), sirens (really enjoyed, but then again, much like kidman, i will watch julianne moore in anything), and task (v good despite my obvious mark ruffallo bias).

ticked off a bunch of movies on my watchlist too: sinners (10/10, the hype is real), the lost daughter (so so so good, i love a character study, and i will watch olivia coleman do whatever she wants), the roses (enjoyable, coleman and cumberbatch just out here being unhinged), tàr (jessica chastain my beloved, incapable of not doing the absolute most), companion (this is “AI good” propaganda lol but otherwise fun), nosferatu (did not know that lily rose depp could do this, v v good), echo valley (watched this for julianne moore, extremely forgettable), all of us strangers (lordt i truly went in blind with this one and WEEPED during the whole 30 mins towards the end, i will never rewatch, so devastating, so poignant, so beautiful, one thing andrew scott will do is emotionally terrorise you every time), rye lane (cute!), mickey 17 (didn’t like as much as i wanted to but i support rob and his quirky little post-twilight projects), wake up dead man (daniel craig embodies benoit blanc in ways that just work, i will watch him play this character three hundred more times), his three daughters (crie, i will always show up for dysfunctional family dramas, also why august osage county continues to be my top five), eileen (anne hathaway character study???? what is not to love), bodies bodies bodies (so fucking funny, i’d love to join the rachel senott hate train except i am yet to see one thing in which she’s not objectively good in), and opus (now why would they get ayo edibiri and john malkovich to do this nothingburger).

stuff that i’m watching in parallel: veep, the sopranos, broad city. and A LOT of trixya as god intended.

[thesmittendinosaur]

beach nap with dawgies // march’25

[thesmittendinosaur]

watched bugonia, which i had been meaning to for a while. jesse plemons is always so good in everything.

and train dreams, which i just watched on a whim. they will probably ignore this one at the oscars or whatever, but, i really do love a movie that feels lived in. every once in a while i come across an old-timey picture of people standing in front of a recently-logged, centuries-old tree and am taken aback by the big-ness of it all. it’s so haunting—the sheer magnitude of ecological devastastion that happened in the wake of industrialization in the early 1900s.

[thesmittendinosaur]

lorde released green light nine years ago.

on one hand, it’s my emotional-support song.

on the other hand, i cannot listen to it without thinking about the deeply unhinged lena dunham-jack antanoff-lorde presentation deck from reddit.

[thesmittendinosaur]

every time someone i know has to write toefl to study/work in the US i think of this one tweet that used “obscure” in a sentence and the replies were full of white people accusing OP of being performative for using “big words that not every one understands”

[thesmittendinosaur]

for the “let women take men’s last names after they marry. feminism is about her right to choose” discourse i see every five days.

not in my world laura dern.gif

choice feminism is liberal propaganda that makes patriarchal norms more palatable by packaging them as cool and quirky and current.

is oppression really oppression if the oppressed “choose” to be oppressed? does the sun rise from the west? is bella hadid my friend?

do not piss me off. 🙃

[thesmittendinosaur]

made some chicken broth today afternoon and then used it to make the most delicious lemon butter sauce spaghetti for dinner. truly my most favorite thing i’ve ever made. i took no pictures. i simply ate the whole thing in one go. that’s how good it was. i want to cry.

[thesmittendinosaur]

went on my one date a year yesterday. we realized it was valentine’s halfway through. good night. i had a clove mix after almost a year and then some of not smoking. i miss smoking. we walked a lot.

i stayed over, and after i left, he sent me a picture he took of me. it was rather beautiful. except, a part of brain that’s not dealing well with putting on weight in the last few months, tried to convince me i looked fat. i decided to not dwell on it too much.

it was a good picture. i didn’t know he took it. i can tell that it was taken with love. and care. and it would be a great disservice to project my own insecurities on it.

how hard we are on ourselves. how unkind.